This is my life.......so be it!

I had no idea....

2011-09-14T10:04:00.001-04:00

they had yet to delete my blog. Maybe I should rethink and start writing again.

Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano!

2010-03-25T08:59:00.009-04:00

I love the pizza dough tosser in the Visa “Hey Mambo” commercial. I thought to myself how cool it would be to find out who this guy is and where he makes pizza so that maybe one day soon I could hope in the car and take a road trip just to watch him toss back a few…..pizza crusts. The search didn’t take long and I discovered way more than I thought I would. His name is Juan Hermosillo and he is currently the captain of the United States Pizza Team.

WHAT?!?!??? Did you know there was a United States Pizza Team?

No really, these guys (and gals) travel the world competing in freestyle throwing receiving points for difficulty, creativity, etc. And get this….the team is from ALL OVER!! Brooklyn, Orlando, Columbus, Chattanooga! How cool is that? When not competing you can visit these guys where they work. I say we pick a day and all go out to a restaurant in a city close to us and compare notes. Anyone game?

Soft-Core Porn and Primetime Television

2010-03-23T10:33:00.008-04:00

For those that know me and know me well, it comes as no surprise when I tell you I am a reality TV addict. I love everything horrible and wrong about reality TV. Is it staged? Of course. Is it invasive and destructive? Have no doubt. Does it open doors to public humiliation like no other television genre? You bet your sweet padoobies it does. But really, can you honestly say that when you stubble across Patti Stanger while channel surfing the 4,381 channels you undoubtedly overpay your cable company for, you don’t become mesmerized not only by her forthrightness (that was me being polite) but by the incredibly brave souls that bare themselves hoping for a highlight clip on E! or TMZ.

Last night was the kick off to the new season of Dancing With The Stars. I’ve never watched this series before unless my mother was over for dinner and politely suggested we turn the TV on so that she could “watch her show”. I realized last night while an 80 year old Buzz Aldrin moon-walked his way onto the dance floor and showed us how unattractively we will dance as we not-so-gracefully grow old I don’t want that much reality, thank you very much. This man is an American Icon. A legend. Come hell or high water the man better make it through at least one elimination. THIS tribe has spoken!

But alas, the pièce de résistance was the one and only Pamela Anderson sexing up prime time television with her version of the Cha-Cha. Really? That’s what professional dancers wear when dancing the Cha-Cha? Bet it didn’t take that child illegally working in a third world country to sew on those 16 sequins ya got there, Sugar. The adjustment of her breastages while the hostess was interviewing her was the highlight of MY evening. I’m looking forward to her wardrobe choice for next week. Maybe, if we’re lucky, it will look something like this:

And so I post this one for you, guys, because through lottery winnings I’ve yet to attain and a sugar daddy I’ve never really put the time and effort into acquiring I will look and dance….just….like….this:

For other reality TV junkies, there’s a new show coming down the pike….CHECK!

All By Myself

2010-03-22T10:03:00.001-04:00

Wow, coming back here is like peering into another dimension. It’s been so long since I‘ve blogged that my ironicism, a skill once honed and crafted to perfection, has become lackadaisical and flaccid. (I love that word. I think I will try and use the word “flaccid” no less than three times a day this week. The King may be pissed by tomorrow afternoon BUT what’s a girl to do.)

Nothing extraordinary has taken place since 2001 so I’ll skip the update since last I was here. I figure that all of the other bloggers I came to know and love have flown the coup and moved on to bigger and better things so from here on out – I’ll pretty much be writing for myself. Good thing I crack my ass up!

I won’t be here every day because I don’t have the time and effort it takes to come up with something as creative as I expect of myself. I’ll be rambling about nonsensical things that only a mind as warped as my own will be able to understand AND if you’re lucky post a picture here and there.

So there it is folks, let’s se how long I can keep this up. Wish me luck, cross your fingers, and make a wish on a star.

Sláinte!!!!

Just Sayin'

2010-01-12T15:44:00.002-05:00

Yes...I suck...I know.

Publix ROCKS!

2009-05-27T16:10:00.002-04:00

Sitting around with some girls this afternoon taking a break from the real world and somehow the subject of commercials came up. Wish I had posted this for Mother's Day....

Hallmark got even higher marks but I couldn't find the one with the retiring teacher....anyone remember that one?

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

The Power of The Wolf

2009-05-19T10:57:00.003-04:00

Man, there are some funny, funny people out there. Click on the shirt and read the reviews....who needs blogs when we have Amazon?

That Time of Year Again......Oh Darn.

2009-05-14T11:42:00.010-04:00

As the Highland Games draw near yet again, I though to myself what better way to celebrate my heritage than to bask in the glory of man. And boy will this girl be baskin'! With the hopes of sharing such joy, I bring to you my list of reasons why I love the native dress of my people.

Thirteen Reasons Queen Goob Loves A Kilt

1. A kilt looks good on anyone.

2. A kilt looks even better on a man.

3. Men with work boots and heavy socks bunched up.

4. I LIKE wearing mirrors on my shoes.

5. A kilt is probably the most masculine article of clothing a man could wear.

6. You don’t have to worry about tearing out the knees or the bum.

7. You can dress them up or go casual, we really don’t care.

8. They come in any color you could possibly conceive.

9. I quote Mel Gibson as William Wallace in Braveheart when I yell …"Freedom!"

10. Who doesn’t like their man going commando?

11. Going commando and everyone knowing it.

12. A kilt provides free air conditioning on those hot summer days.

13. Women LOVE a man in a kilt.

....crap, that makes fourteen, doesn't it?

Our Town Is Famous For....

2009-04-30T13:43:00.008-04:00

This guy:

As The King was driving us home from work yesterday he rudely interrupted my phone call to Magillicutty when we happened upon this juic-i-licious specimen of a man at the intersection of St. Augustine and Magnolia. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this beautiful stranger’s lusciousness but each and every time one has the pleasure to gaze upon his splendific physique all rational thought just flies out the window.

At this point I could no longer respond to Magill (which was most likely not a problem as she had taken a couple Valium for a minor surgical procedure and was slurring her words like she’s just had fourteen fillings done and the Novocain hadn’t yet worn off), I could no longer grasp a coherent thought, I could no longer breathe or swallow for fear of taking down that little, tiny bit of vomit that had taken refuge in my mouth.

My mind drew a blank……where was my camera? Could I just hang up on Magill and use my phone to take pictures? What would my mother think if I invited him over for a Fourth of July picnic? SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH…... SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH......what would SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH do?!?!?!? I’ll tell you what SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH would have done, she would have so hug up on Magill, swung an illegal right-hand turn from the left-hand turn lane crossing in front of three car-filled lanes of traffic to boldly follow this dumpling of a guy and asking him to pose so her picture would most assuredly turn out perfect.

My - God - She’s - Good!

Me?

I just stayed on the phone and mocked my best friend by making shit up and her believing it because she was two sheets to the wind and high as a kite….besides, I knew I could share a video or two without having to utilize the warranty on my camera due to an exploding lens when it focused upon his ass’s gravitational force.

A Fiendly Game of Kickball

2009-04-29T14:13:00.008-04:00

Yes, I'm still alive....lots going on; will get you caught up soon.

So we're currently planning another game of kickball to be played by family, friends, and loved ones. Our last game was such fun we've decided to try and make this a semi-regular gathering. Last game we had approximaitely 20 -25 people, one dog, and lots of beer.

Word has gotten out (Thanks to SIL!) and it looks like this game will be jam-packed with moms, dads, kids, dogs, friends, neighbors, and office cronies. In trying to determine exactly what to wear to such a prestigious gathering of individuals, I ran across THIS:

Dude, who wouldn't want to play a game of ZOMBIE KICKBALL?!?!?

Life's Still Busy

2009-03-10T17:27:00.003-04:00

So busy that I started a post three days ago and have yet to finish. The King and I went on a roadtrip and spent the weekend with STSLLAJBSDBIDHTNTTH and I - got - pictures. Look for it soon.

In the mean time, you'll find me........

Under Construction

2009-03-03T08:49:00.003-05:00

Busy life, busy kids, busy man......just BUSY!!!

I think of you guys often but life's been - well - it's been busy! I'll post ASAP but for now my brain is currently under construction.

JEEZ-MO-NINNIES…What Begins With “J”?

2009-02-18T15:24:00.014-05:00

I was tagged!!

Okay, not really, I actually volunteered for this because believe it or not I’ve been having brain-farts lately and having difficulties coming up with shit to write about. Because basically that’s what I write about; life’s big, bowl-filling dumps.

Giggle Pixie previously known as

posted her list of ten things she likes that began with the letter “G”. She indicated that anyone interested could let her know and she would assign a letter.

I volunteered – which I’ve been doing a lot lately. What’s wrong with me? I’ve volunteered for this, I’ve volunteered to help this weekend with the Extreme Make-Over here in town (and not because Ty looks good in jeans, either), I volunteered to work the concession stand at my daughter’s softball games AND I volunteered to work the Special Olympics next month.

LIKE I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH SHIT ON MY PLATE ALREADY?!?!?!

I digress….as usual.

So I left a little note for G.P. telling her I would love to join in the fun and she assigns me the letter “J”.

“J”????

“J” sucks! Besides, Cowguy just did “J” and he stole all the good “J” stuff!

But I promised G.P. so I gave this whole letter thing a shot. It took all morning with my office door shut to come up with this list so I hope ya’ll appreciate it. AND…..in true Cowguy style I’ve included a picture to enhance my list of crap.

Queen Goob's List Of Ten Things She Likes That Begin With The Letter "J"......

1. JAVA
I – LOVE – COFFEE!!!! I love the smell of freshly ground beans, I love the sound of the gurgling pot indicating the coffee is almost done brewing, I love the first sip of the morning, the sip that closes your eyes in ecstasy regardless of the fact it’s only a Tuesday morning and not the weekend. I – LOVE – COFFEE.

2. Jokes
Jokes are awesome. I love things that make me laugh especially when you’re enjoying a beer with a friend just hangin’ out on the back porch and bantering back and forth to see who has the best blonde joke even though the both of you are truly and legally blonde.

3. Juvenile Delinquents
I love things that make me laugh…..wait that was my previous item. Or was it? Juvies are idiots and idiots are fun to make fun of and making fun of stupid people makes me laugh. YUP, I love juvies.

4. Jewelry
Ladies, need I say more?

5. Jamoca Ice Cream Served with Cookie Wafers
I needed to take a moment for myself when I thought of this one. Do you guys have Baskins Robbins Ice Cream? Is it a national company or is it just on the East Coast? If you don’t have it someone should be shot for not sharing. Available since 1956, Jamoca is a specially blended coffee ice cream. Even better is when you have a scoop of chocolate to enhance the Java-ee flavor.

6. Jury Duty
No, I’m not crazy, I really want to serve on a jury but see here’s the thing. Most of my college education is in Law Enforcement with a specialty in Crime Scene Investigation (strike one) that and the fact that many of my instructors are old school, good old boys here in my great southern town (strike two) and a number of friends are within the law enforcement community (strike three) I’ve been called to jury duty but never been chosen to serve.

Bastards!

7. Junk Food

Honey, if I could bathe in Cheezie Poofs, I would.

8. Jumpin' Jehosaphat
Not only is this a great word to randomly yell out while perusing the junk food aisle at Wal-Mart at 2;30 in the morning, but this is the first word that flies from my lips every time I see Dwayne Johnson.

JOHNSON……ANOTHER “J”! YAY ME!!!

9. Jeans
They do a body good. Jeans are my favorite piece of clothing AND they make rock hard abs and a tight tush look – well, look H-O-T HOT! Throw a little Jamoca on that and I could eat for a week.

10. Jaguars
The 1963 Jaguar E-Type Convertible in British Racing Green OR the 1959 Jaguar XK150 Roadster in Black. Ya’ll can have your Italian sports cars, I’ll stick with the Brits. Just look at those lines, girls. A figure one can be proud of. I know I wouldn’t complain about my vastly budding and expanding ass if it was sitting in one of those!

So there you have my list of thing I enjoy that begin with the letter “J”. Jesus would have been right up there but that was one Cowguy stole along with a MOST fabulous picture that I knew I couldn’t top. I’m not taggin anyone but if you’ve run outta stuff to blog about the same way I have, drop a note in your comment and I’ll ass-ign a letter to ya. Hey G.P., is there a certain rule I need to follow if anyone actually asks to do this?

Jeez-mo-ninnies!

Holy Crap, I’m A Mother…..AND A HOUSEWIFE!!!

2009-02-17T15:46:00.003-05:00

As many of you know, The King came down to Florida last November and moved in with myself and The Offspring. There have been many adjustments, changes, and fine-tuning of our living arrangements since that time. One of the things I found myself daydreaming about on a regular basis was organization. I shared with you the “purging” of the bedroom, and now I bring you the “reorganization” of the kitchen cabinets.

I know, you guys think I’m crazy…and I probably am…but here’s the thing. I have been in my house between nineteen and twenty years give or take a nightmare or two and I think in all of those years I have cleaned out those cabinets once.

ONCE.

In twenty years.

I don’t know about you but can you imagine how much shit has accumulated and been piled, shoved, pushed, and stacked in the extremely few cabinets I have in my kitchen? You guys know I love football but did I have to bring an average of 2.67 plastics cups home from every – single – football game I attended? And did I have to have a coordinating koozie for every outfit that used to hang in my closet? Okay, maybe I did but I’m over that phase in my life. Did I have to save every single baby plate, spoon, and sippy cup from when my children were but babes? No really, my son drives a redneck four-wheel drive truck; do you think he’s going to go muddin’ drinking from a Playtex spill-proof juice cup? I don’t think so either, even if it DOES have cute widdle ducks all over it.

So for the past two weeks I have been a tad busy. Between getting over a sham of an illness, I have been attending three softball games a week, taking and picking up Spawnette from softball practices, getting two hundred people here at work ready for a two week COOP exercise in the middle of nowhere with nothing to eat but MRE’s thank goodness I’m not going and organizing kitchen cabinets in any spare time I can find. Here is just a sampling of some of the reorganization results.

An example of "before" that I haven't yet cleaned out:

An example of "after" that is one of the few completed:

Don’t roll your eyes and wonder why the hell I posted pictures of my kitchen cabinets, those there are pictures of my blood, sweat, and tears. That shit took HOURS and I’m still not done. Hell, I’m not even half way through and I truly don’t have that many cabinets in my kitchen!

I need a beer….anyone have a koozie to match my black and white Hawaiian sundress? If not, I’ll take one of these:

This Is Me With Short Hair and A Penis

2009-02-10T15:51:00.003-05:00

Would you believe I got sick on Friday and spent the weekend on my ass or wollerin’ on the couch……..or both if you want to get technical.

We did not go to Tampa, we did not pillage the city, and we did not grab some booty (much to The King's chagrin.)

Still recouping and will most likely spend the evening whoring myself over HGTV’s fabulous ideas for remodeling my home.

ARRRRRR You Ready For The Weekend?

2009-02-05T15:08:00.002-05:00

I had the weather channel on this morning because…well…I like to see the weather not only here but all over the country. It makes me happy when it’s 14º here and I’m miserable to witness two feet of snow somewhere else. Knowing the sun will eventually be shining brings a tear of joy to my eye….which froze to my lashes when I kicked the dog out the back door at 6:00 a.m. so that he can go pee. For the record, the dog stuck his head out the doggie door, stood there for about seven seconds, pulled his head back into the house, looked at me like I was a total and complete moron then went back to bed.

I digress.

As ususal.

This morning, while looking at the snow covered hills of everywhere else (South Dakota, Montana, Minnesota, North Carolina, Indiana, etc.) I saw an advertisement for the Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa. If my sister, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTT, would answer her phone already, we’d know if we could invite ourselves to crash at her place.

Cause we’re slackers like that.

It looks like it’s going to be really crowded and I’m not one to allow strangers into my personal space BUT beer and Captain Morgan’s will be available at each and every corner so I’m thinking I may be okay. If I’m able to hijack my mother’s walker to keep the drunkards at bay I may actually enjoy myself. Can you imagine the photo ops there will be in the masses of persistently inebriated individuals clothed in tri-cornered hats and fake peg-legs? Can you? It will be like going back in time and landing upon the shores of Port Royal, Jamaica when John Rackham was plundering other vessels upon the high seas with the hopes of amassing booty. Or would that be am-assing booty? Either way, old Calico Jack boarded one too many sloops and was introduced to the gibbet.

I digress.

As ususal.

So…..after I speaking with SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTT to see if they will be in residence this weekend, I’ll let you know if I will be AWOL this weekend. AWOL and ARRRRRR’ing my ass off.

I look hot, don't I?

Anyone Ever Been To Orfglimt?

2009-02-04T11:25:00.001-05:00

Sorry I’ve been AWOL here lately, lots going on but nothing interesting or funny to write about. Or it could be that there were many things to write about I just didn’t feel like writing. Yea, that’s probably it. Let’s see, how about a quick recap of my weekend.

Friday:

Spawn and his girlfriend represented the eleventh grade at the basketball game as Sweetheart couple for their class – they didn’t win, the seniors did – Spawn pretended he was crying out on the basketball court – mom was giggling. He spent the night at a friend’s after the game to go hog hunting early the next morning.

Spawnette had a friend spend the night as they were partners for the history fair project –they planned out and prepared to finish up the following day – they stayed up late, ate a lot of junk food, and watched scary movies.

Saturday:

Spawnette due at softball field by 8:15 a.m. for pictures and field clean up. Friend stayed at our house to finish writing history project while Spawnette suffered in the cold. Took both to the mall that afternoon because that’s what teenaged girls want to do.

Spawn was home by 10:00 a.m. after “bagging” four hogs. He mowed grass, cleaned room, and then took off for girlfriend’s house.

Both offspring went to Sweetheart Dance and I got to play taxi for Spawnette and friends. YES. I LOVE THAT PART…. At least we ate at a decent restaurant before the dance but the dang thing didn’t end until after 11:00!

Sunday:

I cleaned house and got ready for Super Bowl Party while Spawnette “worked on her history fair board” and cleaned her room. Spawn hung around and offered to help but didn’t want to scrub toilets or clean kitchen. I guess he watched TV and played Wii and Playstation. The King went to the grocery store; my mom came and helped us prepare food for the guests prior to them coming over around 5:00. We ate, watched a FANTASTIC football game (that’s what a Super Bowl Game should be like!!) and after the game and everyone had left I stayed up with Spawnette to make sure the board actually got done. Went to bed around 1:00 a.m. The board looked good……FINALLY!!!

Nope, boring weekend after all, nothing funny or too exciting yet I didn’t have a free minute to come on and visit with friends. I’m going to try and get caught up as quickly as I can but I actually have work to tend to this week so I won’t be able to sneak peeks here, DANG IT! Look for me lurking around your blogs with a comment here or there and know that I wish I were there instead of here.

Do lurkers tell people when they’re lurking or should I have kept the whole lurking thing a secret so that the lurking was done properly?

Sorry I was gone so long, I Googled “lurking” and got sidetracked on “filksinging”. FYI – for any of you filksingers, I’d like a song dedicated to me to include some kind of ninja assassin from the land of Orfglimt, please.

Here We Go Steelers...HERE WE GO!!!

2009-02-01T17:49:00.002-05:00

CLAP CLAP

Hell Hath Frozeth Over

2009-01-30T14:05:00.006-05:00

Wow, two posts in one day? What, has the world come to? Has hell frozeth over? Has the sky fallen and Henny Penny died before she could let us all know?

Nah, but I saw this video today and laughed so hard; I just knew my friends would enjoy it, too.

By the way, I'm the guy in the light blue shirt....

Since I'm Already Going To Hell.... Why Not Get A Good Spot

2009-01-30T10:18:00.006-05:00

Jesus is a Steelers Fan!!!!!

Dial Zero For The Operator

2009-01-29T10:14:00.006-05:00

For those of you that know me, I’m a fairly anal-retentive person that has little rituals, habits, and schedules that I follow on a daily basis. For example, every morning I wake up to my alarm clock SCREAMING for me to hit the snooze button. After an additional nine minutes of sleep I crawl out of bed, drag myself to the coffee pot, and hook up my morning IV. I then make a cup of coffee for Spawnette and head to the other side of the house. I awaken Spawn, who fixes his own breakfast, then creep into Spawnette’s room to leave her cup of coffee and awaken the dead….there’s more BUT you get the idea that this is a habit that I follow each and every day.

Last night I forgot to set the alarm clock. I can’t remember the last time I forgot to set the alarm clock. Sometimes I even set the alarm clock on my days off. WHO DOES THAT???

Me.

So this morning as I rolled over to see how many more nanoseconds of sleep I had left I read the clock and shot straight up realizing it was already 40 minutes past the time I should have arisen. I knew I wasn’t going to make it to work on time so I grabbed my phone so that I can call a co-worker and inform her I wasn’t going to be sitting prettily in my ergonomic office chair at 7:30 a.m. and ask that she please indicate on the dry-erase board I was going to be a few minutes late.

Now before I continue with my story, grab your cell phone, okay?

Got it?

Cool. Here’s my phone pictured below:

I love my phone, it TOTALLY kicks ass!

I proceed to dial the main number to the office and wait for the electronic message indicating I could dial my party’s extension or press “1” to dial by name. I don’t call my co-workers on the phone. When I need to speak to someone in the office I either holler out the door or I walk to their office for a little chit-chat. I don’t know “my party’s extension” so I hit “1” so that I may start dialing by name.

Here’s is where my dilemma came to fruition; answer me this, what’s your last name? Look at your phone and pretend you were prompted to dial an extension by typing your last name. I’ll use my last name as an example…..glace at the picture above and dial the name “FLANIGAN”.

People, the last name I was dialing did NOT correspond with the telephonic number keypad!!!! I couldn’t remember what letter coincided with what number! I’m frantically running around the house trying to find the landline telephone so that I can look at it while I try and dial my party’s last name. I’m typing letters and numbers until the face of my phone screen is totally and completely full. All of the sudden I hear a voice.

It’s calling out to me.

It’s faint but I hear it.

It’s asking……if it can help me.

Where the hell is this voice coming from?!?!?

I lift the phone to my ear and there she is – the “0” operator.

“OhmygoshI’msosorryIwasdialinginyourearmyphonehasakeyboardinsteadofjustnumbersandIcouldn’trememberwhichnumberwentwithwhatletterandIpanicedandjuststartedpressinglettersandnumbersandI’msosorryIwasdialingsolonginyourear.” I exclaim into the phone.

“Can I help you?”

“Yes please, will be kind enough to connect me to ‘the lady in my office that has the same birthday as me?’” I humbly ask.

“Her extension is 3812; please hold while I connect you.”

……as soon as I got to the office this morning I walk to the other side of the building so that I could apologize to the very nice young lady that had the misfortune of being the first operator in the office today.

She was very understanding – as soon as she saw how blonde and old I am.

Hey There Buddy....Whatcha Packin'?

2009-01-28T14:55:00.003-05:00

Does your significant other do the same thing mine does? When you ask a simple question, for example “How was your day?”, you get the typical “Fine,” thrown back in your face. I know, I hate that too. I would even love for him to make up a story every once in a while just to bring some excitement into my day.

King Dork returned home on Monday after a long weekend spent in Ohio with family and friends. I asked how his trip was and he responded “I almost missed my flight but you already know that.” Why yes I do considering you called and woke me up at 5:30 a.m. He called to ask me to look on his itinerary to see what airline he was flying. He had gone to the Delta counter but they couldn’t find him. Same thing at the Northwest, Continental, and Southwest airline counters as well. I booted up the handy-dandy laptop, pulled up the e-mailed itinerary, and promptly informed him of his airline, flight time, and flight number.

“Thanks Honey!! Can’t wait to see you!!”

Yesterday King Dork cc’d me on an e-mail he sent to his mom in which he told her about his trials and tribulations of his travel home to Florida from Ohio. He didn’t include all the good stuff when he told me he “almost missed his flight”.…I’ve left most of his message intact:

“Brother” sent a birthday present for you. I wish he would have mailed it since it really caused issues at the security check at the airport. It was ok; I had one heck of an ordeal getting to my plane to come home, though.

First of all I woke up a little late, not real late though, just late. I showered and dressed, got out on the road a little later than I wanted but still had plenty of time. I went to the gas station to fill the rental with gas.

It wouldn't fill.

The darn nozzle kept cutting out anytime a good flow of gas started. I tried multiple positions of the dispenser but nothing worked. So, after literally squeeze squeeze squeeze, I was able to get about 6 gallons into it and then it dawned on me, why don't I try another pump. I went to another pump and sure enough same thing however, this time after fooling with it some, I was able to get a small stream to continuously flow through it. Less than a gallon into it, it started spewing out of the hole you fill. So I turned it off and said the heck with it, it’s full enough... even though I know the tank wasn't full.

I drove to the airport and of course at 5:20 in the morning there’s no one to check the rental car in. So, I turned the keys in at a drop box with the hope they won't overcharge me. I then move on to the airport and arrive at the Delta counter. The auto check-in cannot find my itinerary. I ask about a flight and inadvertently give a wrong departure time, my bad, and of course he replies telling me nothing goes to Atlanta at 6:22. My flight was at 6:10.

So I got to Northwest to see if I am on that flight. NOPE.

Go to Continental, NOPE.

Go to US Air, NOPE.

Did I mention that I never printed out my itinerary? So, I call Marnie and wake her up pleading for help. She boots her computer and finds out it is a Delta flight that I am on... So now its 5:45 and I have a 6:10 flight. YIKES they should be boarding RIGHT NOW!!!!

I run back, ok fast walk for me, to the Delta counter and luckily get one of the ladies to help me. Within minutes I have my boarding pass then ask her if I have enough time to make the flight, she responds with “Yes, you should.” I hurry like a herd of turtles to the security gate and ask the guy there validating your ID to your itinerary if I can go through the VIP line as my flight leaves shortly and I want to make sure I don’t miss it. He said yes since my time was so close so I go through the VIP line, get my bag, laptop, and all of the other stuff I have on the conveyor. I get through and the guy is holding my bag up, “Whose bag is this?”

CRAP!!

I respond stating it’s mine.

“I need to look at something in it,” he says. I don't want to give your present away, but let’s just say what you are getting resembles C-4 explosives, Howitzer casings, large projectiles, rifle grenades and/or anti-tank mines when viewed in the security x-ray machine.

GREAT!!

So the guy asks if he can examine the bag….uhm, can I really say NO? SURE! Go ahead look in there; take a look-see at my dirty underwear and clothing! Go for it!

He finds your birthday present in the box it came in and took it out. Since the box is taped, he hunts for something to open it with....HUNT HUNT HUNT…and I’m thinking “Hey man, I’m in a hurry here, can you speed it up???” I look for my keys but cannot find them. I look for anything to assist but can find nothing because oh wait, I’m in line at security and they have everything I own INCLUDING my dirty underwear. Finally the security guy finds scissors. He opens the box up and proceeds to swab your gift down. “Oh, I need to run this and your carry-on bag through the scanner again.”

GOOD BYE PLANE!!!

So the guy runs everything through the scanner one last time and guess what? Yup, it all checks out now. “Do you want me to wrap your present back up?” he asks.

UHM NO!!! I’ll take care of it, THANKS I think as I politely tell him “No, thank you.”

I quickly throw everything back into the bags and turtle herd it down six gates, three newsstands, and two restaurants to where my gate is. I come around the corner and SAINTS BE PRAISED, the door is still open. SWEET!! So winded I step up and ask if I may board. The lady responded, “Of course you can.” I get on the plane, find my seat, put my stuff away, and say a lucky prayer as I wasn't the last one on the plane. One other guy followed me. So no one can blame me for the plane departing late.

Oh, I forgot to mention that it had snowed most of Sunday and part of Monday so guess what had to be done before we could take off - we had to de-ice the plane!

AWESOME!!

However, once we got into the air the rest of my trip improved. Had enough time to make the connector and was delayed a bit due to fog in Atlanta but we were able to take off and get home just 16 minutes later than scheduled. :) Ok, that got a lot longer than I had anticipated, but I think you will find humor out of it.

Wow…..did you see how much he wrote his mom? No really, did you SEE HOW MUCH HE WROTE HIS MOM?!?!? I think next time I ask him about his day I’ll request the turtle herd version.

Bee’s Bizarre/Weird WTF-Was-I-Thinking Picture Day

2009-01-26T16:00:00.029-05:00

Bee over at Bee’s Musings had a fun little activity she invited her readers to join in on. Post a photo you took that you wanted to blog about but never did.

HA!!!

First I would like to share with you just how many photos I have in my picture folder:

Click on the picture if you can’t read the small writing. Yes folks, I have 19,697 files to chose from. WHAT?!?!? Yea, I usually have two to three cameras in my purse on any given day SO this makes for a more difficult activity than I’m thinking Bee was planning.

How to choose what picture from so many…..I have a photo blog that I used to post pictures on on a regular basis but as not many people were visiting I stopped posting so often. Do I post a funny picture? A pretty one? A nature photo? One of my kids? Obviously the list goes on and on and on and…well, you get “the picture.”

So in an effort to keep this current post as short as possible I initially narrowed it down to fifteen. As I’m sure you don’t want to see all of those photos, I had to take a moment, drink a cup of coffee and narrow it down again. Below are photos I took – may have even posted on the photo blog – but never wrote anything about them:

This one was taken of “Polamalu Roethlisberger.” That’s not her real name BUT as I was her mother’s birthing partner and she was due Superbowl Sunday three years ago, the name kinda stuck. Aren’t kids great? This is a perfect shot of how funny they think they are which in turns ALWAYS makes the grown-ups laugh. But alas, this picture’s not weird or strange enough so I had to search some more.

Kids….so they’re not always funny. These are a couple of shots I took of my kids for my Crime Scene Photography class a few years ago. This was a fun activity for all three of us; I got to pretend I was killing off my kids and they got to pose as dead people. This is also a great way to live the fantasy of “offing” your kids when they become teenagers and smart mouth you when all you asked them to do was take out the garbage. My professor had kids; I got an “A” in his class.

Since most of the photos I keep are kinda “artsy”, I dug around until I found one that was a bit more spontaneous than the others. I love my dog. I’m usually the only one in the family that feeds him, bathes him, brushes him, the works. This one was taken in an effort to remind my kids to make sure he has fresh water every morning before they leave for school. I printed it out and hung it for them to see and remind them how to fill his water bowl because he likes it fresh and cold.

Here we have a picture of my cell phone next to a hamburger. Why??? I think it was to illustrate just how big this friggin’ hamburger is. But really, who gives a crap about how big my lunch was? Do I really want all of you to see what a total and complete pig I am? Why not include the French fries and gravy off to the side that I know was sitting there as well. Yes people, dip your fries in a white gravy and you’ll SMACK your momma it’s so good!

Ya’ll know I live in the south but come on, what did I think I was gonna do, have this picture as my desktop? EEWWWWW! This is a close up of pig’s feet. “Ya’ll wunt sum?”

Why did I take a close up picture of pig’s feet? Well, I most likely wanted to illustrate what my brother was head down, face first in here:

He came in second place at the annual Redneck Games ONLY because his bucket sprung a leak and they wouldn't disqualify the first place winner for not having enough teeth.

Well folks, there you have it. I know they weren’t as funny as Bee’s BUT I promise to take some more in the hopes she does this again real soon. Heck, I could do this for the next (hold on let me grab my calculator…..) I could do this for the next 54+ years and not run out of pictures!

Can’t wait to see yours!

I May Not Be Able To Stomp The Yard But I Can Stomp A Roach

2009-01-25T22:12:00.003-05:00

Spawnette and I have taken up a new type of entertainment. As a single mom, cheap entertainment is always the best kind; she and I are reality TV junkies. WAIT; don’t stop reading just because we have lowered ourselves to the very depths of Dante’s sixth circle where those of us are strongly at variance with the accepted opinion that she and I are not the coolest of cool.

Because we are.

This nightmare I speak of….well it would have been if you were there….all started when Spawnette was flipping through the channels and stumbled across Mario Lopez hosting “Randy Jackson Presents: America’s Best Dance Crew!” (Don’t forget the exclamation point!) I’m not much of a dance show connoisseur, I don’t do that whole “Dancing With The Stars” thing, but when a girl like me catches a glimpse of a man/boy like this all hell breaks loose in Cougar World.

So there I am, chopping away at onions and garlic for my noodles Florentine in a light cream sauce when it hits me from behind. The thomping. The stomping. I can’t keep my feet still. There are men all over the television screen gyrating and moving making the most hypnotic beat I’ve ever heard.

Spawnette and I immediately began to duel in the middle of the kitchen floor and if I don’t say so myself I R-O-C-K. Throw in a little hambone and we were ready for the next crew:

By the time I was through showing Spawnette who da boss was she was sweating up a storm and I was looking for my first place trophy.

Hey, you wanna throw down? Cause I be flippin’!

I Need A Catnap

2009-01-23T09:47:00.007-05:00

That's my Joshua sleeping

Crazy busy at work.

Crazy busy at home.

Haven't had a free minute to myself in quite a few days.

Leah posted some very good blogging rules; one of which I am breaking right now. Why is it our children wait until the very last minute to do their homework assignments. Homework assignments given to them WEEKS in advance. When I go home at night I like to relax, read a book, speand time surfing the web, go to bed early; any number of things other than running to Walgreens to get index cards because you "have to have them tonight because this is due tomorrow...." Next up is a history project due in two weeks that was assigned before the holidays. Has anything been done? According to her it has but to me the accumulation of three resources is not enough to count towards a history project that has to look like this:

Only twice as tall, like this:

Good thing for me the kids will be with their dad this weekend so that HE can be in charge of making sure things get done.

Oh wait, he won't do that because "that's not fun."

Guess I'll be busy next week as well.

Hospital Decorum

2009-01-20T14:41:00.028-05:00

I received a call from my sister, “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her”, letting me know that Mom’s surgery went well and that they were in a recovery room awaiting to be moved to a hospital room for the duration of Mom’s stay. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH was bored and was wondering how soon it would be before I went to the hospital to sit with her in utter and total boredom because come on, who wants to be bored alone?

I changed out of my flamingo pajamas and into more appropriate clothing, grabbed my current Kylar Stern book, threw some snacks into my duffle bag posing as a purse, and headed out to the hospital just moments from my home. When I arrived I found that they had already moved Mom to her room so I wound my way up to the fifth floor and found where they had dumped her. As I walked in the room, I noticed the blank stare upon my sister’s face.

“DUDE!!!! What is up?” I whispered.

She swings around to face me and groans, “Oh. My. Lord….I am so glad you’re here! You have no idea how bored I am!”

I gently reminded her that I had been in that same pair of shoes just three months earlier so yes, I DID know how bored she was. The only difference, and it was a big one, was that I had to do it alone so SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH must owe me a six pack for my suffering. She relented because, well, because she’s nicer than I am.

As Mom was still asleep we thought it best to remain as quiet as we possibly could. This is not an easy thing when the two of us get together but we did our very best…for Mom. We pulled out our books and tried to read for about four minutes. We rearranged Mom’s bedside table for maximum usage so that she could grab what she needed after we left. We read for another three and a half minutes, twiddle our thumbs, squirmed in our seats, and finally realized this whole quiet thing was more difficult than anticipated. We looked around for things to amuse us and then there…right before our eyes…we – saw – this!

There it was, sitting prettily in my purse, my camera. I looked at SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she looked at me and both of us started to giggle. Now the two of us giggling in itself can cause a great deal of ruckus because I snort when I laugh really hard and her laugh is the antithesis of subtle.

First we had to make sure our giggling didn’t awaken Mom.

Whew cause quite frankly we were loud.

First I made her pose.

Then she made me pose.

(Anyone else notice that the hospital hung the picture above the bed upside down?)

I’m snorking, she’s sniggering, both of us making WAY too much noise.

“CRAP, did we wake her up?” I desperately try to whisper.

“OMG…….do you think she’s dead? Go poke her and see if she wakes up.”

“I’m not poking her YOU poke her.”

“No YOU poke her!”

“No YOU poke her!”

“I’m not poking her but I see her breathing so we’re still good….WHEW!” we both sigh in relief.

“HEY! I see you got a pedicure recently, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, that looks good? Who does your toes?”

“Leilie over at Joe’s place, didn’t she do a good job?”

“Wait, that one’s blurry, show me again,” I ask of her.

“Hooker red looks good on you!”

“I know,” she replies

More snickering and giggling….. and then she shh’s me! SHE SHH’S ME!

“SSHHHHH, you’re gonna wake her up!” She insists.

“SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she hasn’t moved in like forty-five minutes, I think we’re safe,” I grumble.

“Hey SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, you know how our teenaged daughters take pictures of themselves for Facebook? I’m gonna do a self portrait just for you, ‘kay?”

“SHIT!!! The flash is still on! I blinded myself! Holy Toledo, I really need to pluck my brows.”

SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH grabs the camera and tells me I’m a reject and that she can do better.

LOL – the flash is still on…..and she calls me a reject!

“Do it again! Do it again!” I appeal in the quietest voice I can manage.

SNAP

CLICK

“OOHHHHH, you’re good!” I tell her. “Here, let me! Let Me!” I insist.

“I turned the flash off! Crap!”

BAD

WORSE

“I’m not doing it right.”

By now we’re laughing so hard the nurses passing the room outside in the hallway are looking in to see what’s going on. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH and I are holding our noses while laughing so as not to make too much noise. This makes us spray spittle all over the place which makes us laugh harder.

“SSHHHHH!!!! She’s gonna wake up!!!” I inform my sister.

Not while she’s on morphine we won’t!

With stomachs hurting from laughing too hard we quietly….or NOT so quietly…put away the camera with the hopes of recovering our decorum.

But not for long!

"I Must Be Crazy To Be In A Loony Bin Like This." *

2009-01-16T08:50:00.007-05:00

Heading to my mom's this afternoon to finish my last shift as Nurse Ratched. Plan on finishing up the photo compilation as promised so long as Mommy Dearest doesn't have a four page list of things for me to do.

I'm kinda pissed off though, my brother stepped up to the plate and split the nursing doodies with me so I can't rag on him or be mean for like a day or two. I haven't talked to him yet this morning, wondering how "Bath Time With Mom" went last night.

He probably has a hangover from too much beer.....

FYI - It's actually colder in Florida than it is in Alaska right at this very moment - is that crazy or WHAT?!?!?

* Quote from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

It’s Like A Scene Out Of Silent Hill and I’m The Nurse

2009-01-15T09:23:00.004-05:00

My mother has been keeping me more busy that anticipated. Between errands to the bank, library, grocery store, and rehabilitation appointments I have been doing laundry, cooking meals, cleaning house, and other sundry tasks. She told me I was mean yesterday because I made her get up and help prepare dinner and help fold laundry….while standing. Hey lady!!! I don’t want to be here for a month or two, this weekend looks like you’ll be on your own SO get up and get moving Missy-Moo!

Today is my brother’s turn to spend the day with our mother while I get caught up at work; I’m thinking his nerves will be fried by the time I take over late this afternoon. Of course he IS the favorite child so she may be easier on him than she is on me or The Ancient One….my older sister.

I haven’t yet had a chance to put together that long awaited photo composition but I did begin the outline so thank you for your patience….the nurse will be with you soon.

And The Verdict IS.....

2009-01-13T12:40:00.002-05:00

con·fir·ma·tion
Pronunciation: \kän-fer-`mā-shun\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1: an act or process of confirming: as
a(1): a Christian rite conferring the gift of the Holy Spirit and among Protestants full church membership

(2): a ceremony especially of Reform Judaism confirming youths in their faith
b: the ratification of an executive act by a legislative body
2: a: confirming proof : corroboration
b: the process of supporting a statement by evidence

I finally received confirmation from my brother, "I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” that he won’t rat me out to our mom should I post the long promised photo montage of The Sisters demurely sitting in the hospital room while waiting for our mother to awaken after hip-replacement surgery. Okay, he didn’t exactly say he wouldn’t tell on me but I’m taking the following statement to mean he’s going to remain silent no matter how bad The Sisters were. Here’s what he said:

“With all the hype those pictures better be good!”

That’s it. After all of the threats, blog posts, hints, and waiting, this is all I got outta him? All I have to say is how could the pictures not be good????

This evening, as I stay with my mother, I plan on putting together the long-promised picture montage of The Sisters as we sat in the hospital room awaiting our mother to awaken from that morphine induced sleep coma. Hope it will be everything you’re expecting - if not it's all my brother's fault.

Word Of The Day - Again

2009-01-12T13:24:00.009-05:00

indecision
Pronunciation: \in-di-`si-zhen\
Function: noun
Etymology: French indécision, from indécis undecided, from Late Latin indecisus, from Latin in- + decisus, past participle of decidere to decide
Date: circa 1763
: a wavering between two or more possible courses of action.

irresolute
Pronunciation: \i-`re-ze-lüt, i(r)-, -let\
Function: adjective
Date: 1579
: uncertain how to act or proceed.

vacillate
Pronunciation: \`va-se-lāt\
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form(s): vac·il·lat·ed; vac·il·lat·ing
Etymology: Latin vacillatus, past participle of vacillare to sway, waver — more at
Date: 1597
1 a: to sway through lack of equilibrium
b: fluctuate , oscillate
2: to waver in mind, will, or feeling : hesitate in choice of opinions or courses

I still haven’t heard anything from my brother, "I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” as to whether or not he would rat me out if I posted a picture montage of the day my sister, “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” and I spent at the hospital awaiting our mom to awaken after surgery. I wish he’d hurry and either post a comment and let us all know what he’s thinking or hell, just give me a call and let me if he’s going to be a poo-poo-doo-doo-head and tell mom. I’d like to know before I go spend the night with her her first evening out of rehab. I figure I’ll need a little something to keep me busy while hanging out at her house (she has basic cable and no ESPN or Hallmark channel……) and what better way to amuse myself than sit on the couch with my laptop and post horrible pictures of her as sits beside me dictating what “helpful little things around the house” I can do for her like re-caulk the bathrooms, scrub clean grout with a toothbrush, or if I’m lucky, re-roof the house.

I know he’s reading the blog because he’s already threatened me with the posting of old photographs from the eighties. As one of 32, 472, 879 people that would like to wipe those years from my memory, I’m dreading the fact that all of humanity will have access to pictures showing off my horrible perms and parachute pants. Thank goodness I never stooped so low as to own zebra stripped leggings!

HEY BRO…….WHAT’S IT GONNA BE?

Making A List and Checking It Twice

2009-01-11T13:16:00.007-05:00

Yes I know, Christmas is over and Santa is vacationing in the Abaco’s but the fun isn’t over yet, my friends so grab your list and let’s make sure we have everything we need.

Beer

Chips

Dip

Beer

Sausage Dogs

Big Fat Steak Fries

Terrible Towel

Number 43 Jersey

Number 86 Jersey

Cowbells and Other Noise Makers

Beer

We’re ready and waiting for the kick off this afternoon so grab your towel and wave it high we’re “steeling” some thunder from California!

I Suck

2009-01-10T20:14:00.004-05:00

Things to do today...

Make these:

Look like this:

What they look like right at this very moment:

All together now……Queen Goob SUCKS!

In a pissy mood because we got these shelving units to organize the garage but the instructions were long gone on how to get the damn things together. Now I know, it doesn't look difficult but in order for the damn things to be seven feet tall you have to put two shorter legs together and the little doobie hickies that are supposed to go into the little holes aren't long enough to hook together. Did you guys get that? I have deficient knobbie thingies.....UGH!!! Think if I pound the dad-gum things with my really big rubber mallet it would work?

It sucks trying to be self-sufficient, ya know? I'm off to find The King to get him to help me with this project as well as the twenty-six page Honey Do list I gave him when he move down two months ago.

I love my man.......

Our Own Bowl Game…..And It Wasn’t In The Toilet

2009-01-09T13:13:00.011-05:00

A group of us got together last night to watch the Florida Gators win over the Oklahoma Sooners. I, of course, was wearing my Pittsburgh Steelers sweatshirt so I got a bit of shit over that BUT I’m already preparing for MY game on Sunday. But that’s another story.

Our evening started of with a nice meal which included rolls from Just Bob’s favorite grocery store. This is one of the many reasons we love Publix:

The group congregated at Magillacutty’s house and soon there after the excitement began:

The gangs all here

Ron Cherry SUCKS

MORE COW BELL!!!

Stop farting in my house.....

Oh Yeah!

The Fan Club

All in all it was a fun night for everyone except for King and Bro who are not Gator fans…..they were there for the beer.

Okay, too many beers…

DAMMIT MARNIE DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE!!!

FYI - That was me throwing the gauntlet at my brother - because I posted a picture of him peeing outside he will not only be pissed about the "inappropriate" picture on my blog but he will now be posting really bad 80's pictures of me with HUGE glasses and a REALLY bad perm. I hope you guys appreciate this!

Word Of The Day

2009-01-08T15:01:00.003-05:00

Quandary quan·da·ry
Pronunciation: \`kwän-d-rē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural quan·da·ries
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1579

: a state of perplexity or doubt

Dilemma di·lem·ma
Pronunciation: \da-`le-ma also dī-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Late Latin, from Late Greek dilēmmat-, dilēmma, probably back-formation from Greek dilēmmatos involving two assumptions, from di- + lēmmat-, lēmma assumption — more at lemma
Date: 1523

: a problem involving a difficult choice

My sister and I spent an afternoon together last week while my mother was recovering post-op. We had quite a boring time of it as we didn’t want to disturb Mom by turning on the television or talking too loudly. When “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” and I get together we tend to laugh, giggle, snort, and disrupt those around us without even trying. She and I both gave a shot at reading but had a difficult time concentrating on our stories. We put our heads together and wondered what we could do to pass the time. Then lo and behold what did mine eyes reveal? My camera….in my purse….calling out to us to release it from eternal darkness.

So there we are holding this camera and looking evilly into each others eyes. I smirk…..she smirks…..and we start snapping away.

So here’s my dilemma/quandary. Do I post a photo montage of the pictures we took while waiting for Mom to awaken from her anesthetic or morphine induced coma? If I post them will OUR SWEET, PRECIOUS BABY BROTHER, THE PRODIGAL SON, THE FAVORED ONE, THE BANE OF OUR EXSISTANCE tell Mom there are pictures posted of her that make it look as if we were attending her wake? Hmmm? Will he tattle on me? I know “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” won’t nark but will “I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” let our kind, loving, patient, tolerant mother know what I have done?

I shall wait with bated breath to see if “I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” posts a comment letting us know if I should go ahead with the blog post honoring the successful hip replacement surgery of our mother...... or not.

Paybacks....

2009-01-07T16:26:00.005-05:00

My neighbor and good friend was going out of town for the holidays to visit with her family in the frozen tundra of New Jersey. She and I both hate boarding our animals and as I was staying home for the holidays I told her not to worry, former vet-tech Moi would be more than happy to take care of her critters while she was away. “Neighbor Lady” has two dogs, Spencer the terrier mix and Lyrica the Hurricane Katrina rescued Doberman, two Rosey Bourkes (Australian Parakeets), a yellow canary, and a fantail goldfish. Not much of a hassle as she is literally right next door.

Unless you count in the fact that the Doberman is crated all day because the small dog is very old and vulnerable and I am half Jewish……or should be due to the size of my guilt gene. This means for me to feel like Lyrica (the Dobie) is getting enough exercise and love I need to let her out to run and chase squirrels at least four to five times a day.

Lyrica has a nervous stomach.

Lyrica was missing her mommy.

Lyrica was pooping or vomiting in her crate four to five times a day.

Queen Goob was not happy.

Queen Goob was doing laundry four to five times a day and this is NOT one of her favorite chores.

But Lyrica is a most fabulous dog so I lovingly cleaned up her messes of vomit and poo, let her out into the yard to chase squirrels, so all was happy and good in my favorite Doberman’s world.

Until, that is, the day her mommy was due to come home. That morning I walked next door in my big fluffy bathrobe with my first cup o’joe of the day and the first book in the Kylar Stern trilogy. I walk through the house and as I drew close to the room in which Lyrica is kenneled the stench of poo got stronger and stronger. Great, more poo to shovel and clean up and I haven’t even finished my first cup of coffee. I switch on the light as the sun has not yet risen and there in the bottom of the kennel I see a buckle and some dog tags. But wait.....where was the collar??? There wasn’t a collar on the floor of the kennel; oh no, Lyrica had somehow removed her nylon collar and eaten every – single – little – tiny – thread possible. Nothing but buckle and tags.

And to top of an already fabulous morning there is shit EVERYWHERE. It’s coating the kennel floor, the kennel wire bars, the lamb’s wool pad she sleeps on. It’s coating the walls, the floor surrounding the kennel, and the TV and wires running along side of the kennel as well. If there was a square inch devoid of poo in the surround vicinity I didn’t see it and believe you me I looked.

So here I am, cup of coffee in hand, poo flung from one side of the room to the other, and a dog that has eaten her collar. And then it hits me…..there is not one piece of that collar pooped out anywhere in all the sludge that is spattered from floor to ceiling.

Crap! Shit! And every other profane word I can think of that involves excrement. What if the collar gets blocked in the dog’s intestines, all her food and poop get backed up in her system AND SHE DIES!!!

ON MY SHIFT!!!

CRAP!!! SHIT!!! My neighbor was due home THAT DAY!

Boy can I tell you I was no longer worried about getting poop stains on my fluffy white bathrobe from that moment on.

Long story short……okay not so short story long……or long story even longer because I don’t know how to explain I’m cutting this long story short…..the dog lived to eventually poop out her fabulous brand new holiday collar and my neighbor wasn’t even upset.

She says that pay backs are hell. This was payback for the time she watched Cooper and when she went to let him out there was a string hanging from his mouth and when she went to remove it from his teeth it kept coming and coming and coming and coming until a HUGE wad of yard was yanked from his throat reeking of stomach acid juice.

Hmmm, maybe she's right, maybe paybacks ARE a bitch!

I’m Back In The Saddle Again

2009-01-06T12:03:00.007-05:00

Okay maybe not TOTALLY back in the saddle because I’ve been on “vacation” since the 24th of December. It was a busy holiday what with family in town for ten days, my mother having a hip replaced, kids at home demanding time and taxi service, a neighbor who was out of town and needed me to take care of her animals (there’s a funny story there, folks, don’t let me forget to tell you all about it), a man whom I dearly love that didn’t really want to spend each and every single day with my sister and her family but did because he loves me (I so owe him sexual favors for suffering through those tumultuous times), and a trilogy of books I just happened across at Borders and haven’t been able to put down (I’ll pimp this new and exciting author in just a moment.)

Can you say “WOW”?

No – really – can you say “WOW”?

Now that you know I still love each and every one of you, I’m going to print out this Word formatted document prior to posting on my blog so that I remember to tell you about all of the exciting events that took place these past two weeks. I just need a moment or four hundred and seventy-one to get caught up here at work so I still have a job to come to.

Hmmmm, do I really WANT this job that I come to?

REMINDER TO SELF: Ponder whether or not it would be a good thing if I got fired from my job. Or maybe I could quit and be a stay at home mom. Do stay at home moms get paid? If so, by whom?

Back to the books I’ve been loath to part company with (I currently have the third book in my purse just in case I get to run away from work and read for a moment.) While browsing Borders here in the lovely Florida Panhandle, I stumbled on absolutely nothing while meandering by the “New Releases” display. As I straightened myself up with the hopes that no one saw me (it was two days before Christmas; what the hell was I thinking, of COURSE people saw my clumsy ass….) I glanced to the left and saw this:

How cool is that?!?!?!? This is actually the third in a trilogy about “an assassin’s journey into legend”.

Assassins?

Legend?

Dudes, I am SO ninja so I had to buy all three books for myself for Christmas and haven’t been able to put them down since I started reading them last week. I took them with me when I pottied, I took them with me when I was hangin’ with my sister, I took them with me when I went shopping with the kids at the mall.

“Hi, my name’s Marnie and I’m a Kylar Stern addict.”

“Hi Marnie!”

If you love to read and enjoy escaping reality every once in awhile, I highly recommend picking up these books and blocking off your calendar for a few days….they are WELL worth the time.

AND….they make you dream really cool ninja dreams in which you totally and completely kick ass in order to save the sheep and children wearing highlander clothing…..other story there folks.

Off to get some work done or at least LOOK like I’m working because my boss is due back soon.
For additional information on Marnie’s addiction, go here: KYLAR STERN ROCKS AND I WANT TO BE VI WHEN I GROW UP!!!!

p.s. Yes, I know he's "more than merely ninja" but no one knows but us.

We Are Santa's Elves

2008-12-24T14:18:00.009-05:00

We are Santa's elves
Building Santa's shelves
With a toy for each girl and boy
Oh, We are Santa's elves!

We work hard all day
But our work is play
Dolls we try out see if they cry out
We are Santa's elves!

We've a special job each year
We don't like to brag
Christmas Eve we always fill Santa's bag

Santa knows who's good
Do the things you should
And we bet you, he won't forget you
We are Santa's elves!

We've a special job each year
We don't like to brag
Christmas Eve we always fill Santa's bag

Santa knows who's good
Do the things you should
And we bet you, he won't forget you
We are Santa's elves!

Ho Ho Ho, Ho Ho Ho
We are Santa's elves!

Ho HO!

Holiday Eating Tips

2008-12-22T16:37:00.002-05:00

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello!?!?!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

I didn't write this; my SIL e-mailed this to me and had to share. I'm sure most of you have seen it but come on, it's just as funny the first time you read as it is the twenty-first time you read it.

It's All About Me

2008-12-20T11:03:00.005-05:00

I was going to clean house today as everyone is gone and won't be returning until tomorrow afternoon but you know what? Today is for me and I feel like......

I shall walk by the laundry, glance at the dishes, ignore the clutter and pretend it doesn't exist, leave the lights off when I need to use the facilities, walk over the dog-hair encrusted rug, blow the dust away so I can set down my coffee while I lounge on the couch reading a perfectly horrid novel, and think about MAYBE getting out of my pajamas.

Tis The Season Of Giving

2008-12-19T09:55:00.006-05:00

Dr. Zibbs tagged me after seeing how much fun I had with the Secret Santa Can Suck It gift exchange. In a heart-warming act of kindness, our Dr. Z. has started “The That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts for Sick People Stockpile.” He proposed that we make a list of gifts that MIGHT be given to some sick people and we just send that list to a place where sick people are with the hopes that “some rich dude will see the list and buy all of the presents for the sick people.” But to make this exchange a little more challenging he feels that we really shouldn’t waste our time, efforts, or money on sick people as they will most likely just cough on it anyway or something but hey….isn’t it the thought that counts?

So here’s what we were to do:

1) Pick a crappy gift for the That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts For Sick People Stockpile and post it on your site.

2) Pick 5 bloggers that you think might want to open their hearts and pick a crappy gift.

3) Link back to this post.

4) And if you really want to get into heaven, write, "I POSTED A CRAPPY GIFT" in the comments section of this post so we can see the crappy gifts you picked.

After much thought, soul searching, and two sushi rolls I decided upon the following to be added to the crappy gift stockpile exchange:

A pair of hand-made maxi-pad slippers. Not only will this fabulous gift fit snuggly to our invalid’s foot (because these are adjustable to just about any size) they provide warmth, comfort, and the ability to pick up hazardous waste material dropped on the floor by those uncaring and thoughtless nurses. I tried to find a holiday pair but was unsuccessful so first thing this morning…….okay third thing this morning (I needed coffee and a cigarette) a made this fabulous pair myself. Note the holiday garland and berries make a perfectly ordinary pair of maxi-pads a festive holiday treat.

I didn't tag anyone because knowing the few that will read this, some of you guys will take it upon yourselves to just do it for the fun of it. So go ahead, take a walk on the wild side and visit That Blue Yak for some more exciting holiday gift ideas!

p.s. I really did make the slippers.....think Spawnette will wear them?

It's Practically Christmas!

2008-12-17T16:09:00.010-05:00

Bee over at Bee’s Musings has opened her heart and started a Christmas tradition to end all traditions. This fun-filled and magical gift exchange brings enchantment back into this dreary and dismal season. No money leaving your pocket, no last minute shopping for that gift you totally forgot you were required to bring to the office holiday party, no wracking of your brain as to what to purchase for your mother because she’s one of those people that goes out and buys everything on her Christmas list before Thanksgiving dinner has fully digested. No my friends, this is a gift exchange that will bring a tear to your eye.

If you were lucky enough to join in the fun, all you had to do was “post a picture of what you would have gotten that person if you had money and you know, cared.” The first round of secret Santas looked like they had lots of fun. I missed that round but was so excited I peed my pants a little when I saw she was hosting a second round. After popping off and e-mail, Lovely Bee sent me the name of the recipient of my Secret Santa gift.

I was frenzied and filled with excitement when I saw that I was Secret Santa to Practically Joe. Amazingly enough I “know” Joe. Joe is a funny guy that adores his wife and family and having read most of his blogs I grabbed my imagination and went on a shopping spree.

Joe is anal retentive. He hangs his clothing in OCD order. Joe uses wire hangers and in this day and age, these are unacceptable. However, even though those wire hangers DRIVE ME NUTS I understand why he uses them so instead of insisting upon the use of plastic hangers, I though of getting this for Joe:

Not only is this a great conversation piece, but it’s completely made up of white plastic hangers. Unfortunately, this piece was purchased before I could grab my checkbook and scream in agony at the price as David Mach is a highly sought after artist.

I then thought of a Garmin for those road trips he and his wife take so he doesn’t have to draw and follow his own maps anymore.

Example of what a Garmin can do:

Example of a map Joe drew:

With the Garmin, Joe can even teach Mrs. Joe how to program in the location of coffee shops around town so that all it takes for directions to the closest coffee shop is a press of a button. (You’re in like Flint with THAT one, Joe.)

But wait…..even better……Mrs. Joe likes to frequently stop for coffee while she and Joe are out and about running errands so why not have an in-car coffee maker installed in his car so that Joe doesn’t ever have to stop for coffee again! (Joe, this gift will SO get you laid.)

But alas, that’s more of a gift for Mrs. Joe so on to the next idea.

I thought about the Screaming Chicken but if he were to play with this in the car while Mrs. Joe was making a cup of coffee, it would be a disaster in the making.

I then thought about getting Practically Joe a Yip Yip because come on people, Yip Yips are practically funny!

Sold out……..oh well.

I don’t know if Joe has a cat, but if he does I thought about getting him one of these. If he doesn’t have a cat I think this would look great on one of the grandkids, don’t you?

Then I remembered…Joe is still recovering from an unfortunate accident. Our conqueror of boredom, our slayer of apathy, our illustrious hero fell off a ladder. Poor guy….broken ribs, broken spirit, the works.

So with much love and wishes for a less painful year I pre-registered Joe for an OSHA training class which covers “ladder safety". No really, click on the link I’ve provided and test away!

CLICK ON THIS LINK TO TAKE YOUR SAFETY CLASS, JOE

I’ve also reformatted the follow safety poster so that all Joe needs to do is click on the picture for a “printer friendly” copy to hang in his garage for future reference.

Last but not least, I went out on a limb and did a little research because hey, I’m cool like that. For Joe we have the ComforTech 3-D Full Body Harness. This harness attaches to a ladder and provides you with:

Three D-rings (Fall Arrest and Positioning).
5-Point Adjustability.
Quick-Connect Buckle Leg Straps.
Padded Shoulder Yoke.
Twin Butt Pads.
Waist Pad/Positioning Assembly with Lumbar Support.
Extreme Duty, Removable Work belt.
2 Lanyard Keepers.
Polyester Webbing holds up to 7,300 pounds.

Gotta get the rope, too, or what good would the harness do?

I think this will look FAB and as an added bonus, once donned it will fit snuggly across the chest and grasp your upper thighs gently lifting your groin area enhancing the size of your “sacagawea” making you look comparable in size to John Holmes.

Look Joe……NO HANDS!

So there you have it Joe, with lots of love and many a hug Queen Goob wishes you a happy and MOST healthy holiday!

Head on over to Bee's to take a looksee at other gift exchanges!

Where’d The Merry Go?

2008-12-17T11:08:00.003-05:00

I want to know if ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? But alas, if I’m not happy, no one is happy. Must be the Irish temper thing plaguing my home; my fiery nature; may all the miscreations that misunderstand me just burn in the flaming pits of……

Sorry, what I meant to say there is Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukkah!

No, that’s not true either. At Publix yesterday I greeted the bagboy with a cheerful “Christmas!” He looked at me oddly (go figure) and I responded with a blistering “Well it ain’t merry at MY house, buster!” Funny enough, he didn’t offer to take my cart to my car and unload the grocery bags for me and King slinked off into the sunset.

King Dork’s daughter arrives this afternoon for a week-long visit. “Orlagh” is a beautiful girl with a heart of gold. I can’t wait to see her and spend time with her here in the unusually warm weather we’re having. (Sorry Gig, it was cold last week.)

My only issue is the fact my house is trashed. When I say trashed I mean really trashed. I am one of those people that must have a clean house whenever visitors are coming to stay. WHAT?!?!? My house isn’t clean? No it’s not. For the past week I’ve been trying to explain to the rest of the members of the household that this is something important to me – a clean house. They don’t understand the importance when there are Wii and role-playing games to be played. “Don’t worry, she won’t care” is a comment I have heard often these past seven days. She may not but I will. Is it just me or is your home a reflection of you? It is? Great, I’m trailer trash. AWESOME!!!

This is what my home would normally look like sans the Christmas decorations that at this time of the year should be up:

This is what is currently resembles:

See my dilemma here? No? Well you guys don’t count because I know you don’t understand but ladies? Could you help me out here while I try to explain?????

I came home last night with a “fuck it” attitude, made jambalaya for dinner (it was really, really good by the way), washed up afterwards and proceeded to clean The King and I’s bathroom. That’s it, just the bathroom. I told King that Orlagh was to use our bathroom and not the room of Spawn. He said “No, she can use the kids’ bathroom.” I informed him I was fresh outta HAZMAT suits and he said, “yes, dear.” I love it when he says that, it just brings a tear of joy to my eye.

So here I sit, an hour before Orlagh arrives with a dirty house, no Christmas decorations except for the yard things the boys put out in an attempt to escape my bad mood, and no idea where the sweet princess will sleep as the previously thought out scenario included the cleaning off of the couch in the Florida Room.

Oops…..you forgot about THAT one guys, didn’t ya?

Awwwww fuck it and CHRISTMAS to all!

Ya'll Can Kiss My Christmassy Ass

2008-12-16T14:26:00.005-05:00

I am so not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I have yet to decorate the house, purchase a tree, or even buy the first gift. "Bah, humbug!" doesn’t really express my current enthusiasm this year. I’m more along the lines of “Fuck you, you little bastard, I can't believe you finished decorating and shopping before the 24th.....fucker!”

Yea, that kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

Last year we had a pretty paathetic tree but once decorated it didn’t look too bad. This year I’d settle for anything…..even this:

Here’s how I’m feeling about the holidays right about now:

Doesn't this guy look pleased?

How about him, are ya feelin’ the love from THIS guy?

Doesn’t this make you wanna don a Santa hat and sing carols to your neighbors?

How about these three; which one do you think is gonna pee in the eggnog….huh?

I bet this guy left one hell of a Christmas gift for you, buddy!

Hope you guys are have a fabulous season despite the “love” I’m sending your way. Or better yet, any fun stories you’d like to bitch about yourself? Bring them on let's celebrate together....I'll bring the eggnog!

WEEEEEEEEE Are The Champions!

2008-12-15T11:56:00.006-05:00

FINALLY!!! The boys came away Friday night with a Championship win. The final score was 17 – 7 and both the pre-game and post-game celebrations were AWESOME!

(Z is middle right)

(Isn't he handsome? Cougars need not apply.)

We arrived at the stadium a couple of hours early to tailgate before the game. There was great food and much laughter in preparation of a challenging game. Here we have my brother and my daughter hamming it up for the camera. Actually, in the second shot I was just trying to get a photo of the sun setting on the stadium BUT Spawnette had to get into the act.

(His ears aren't REALLY that big, he just pulled his hat low for a "special Kodak moment....man, he'll be pissed when he sees I posted this picture. LOVE YOU FINNIE!!!!)

(Scary shot of her mouth.)

After the boys pulled of a much deserved victory I hoofed it down to the field. Looking around I also noticed that no other parents (other than Satan himself who happened to jump the wall) were down on the field. I am such a hoodlum, I know.

(Come on guys, it was a long day; you were expecting me to look sexy???)

Spent Saturday with my sister and family. Here I am with my niece "Legs"…..she just turned fifteen....she’s kinda tall.

(Hellooooo??? Can you see me???)

Hope you all had a MOST fabulous weekend as well!

Sometimes It's Good To Be Queen

2008-12-11T13:47:00.003-05:00

I know…..I’m a bad girl for being gone so long but it has been a crazy couple of weeks. As you all know, King Dork has finally and “officially” moved from Ohio down to the armpit of Florida. He’s not as close to his kids as he would like BUT there is year-round golf so he’s adjusting. Speaking of his kids, his youngest son leaves Saturday for a year-long tour in Iraq so keep him and all of the soldiers over there in your prayers.

So we brought The King’s stuff back to the homestead the weekend of Thanksgiving. As we didn’t get in until very late that night due to holiday traffic, we waited until Monday morning to unload the U-Haul trailer and the SUV. The two combined held a lot.

I’m talking so much that the garage is overflowing onto the back porch and there are additional boxes in the Florida room and dining room.

STILL.

packing it up to bring to Florida

stuff that didn't make it to Florida but instead got "stored" at the farm

I’m freaking out because I don’t know where to put all of this stuff, my Christmas decorations did not make it up, I have no tree, and this is my favorite season on the year as far a decorating. UGH!!! Big cry jig Sunday and onto the “fuck it” stage. This is the stage in the game where I pretty much don’t give one or two shits whether or not I put up a tree, hang a stocking or two, or string my flying light-up flamingos from the pines in the front yard.

yes this is really my house.....

This is a quiet stage, a stage of acceptance, a stage that reminds me there will be no week-long packing up of decorations after the holiday season is over. A stage of many a beer and contemplation of many more beers.

And now onto THIS weekend. As most of you know, my son plays high school football. He plays on a 1A team that has made it through the playoffs and is headed to the Citrus Bowl for the State Championship game tomorrow night. This is the teams’ third year in a row making it to State Champs; we’re hoping for a win this year. My son is a junior but has started in all three State Championship games and is finally hopeful they will go all the way.

This is MY “Z”

coming in for the kill

The fun part will be staying at my sister’s for the weekend. I see in my future quite a few toddies consumed as I sit on the floor admiring HER Christmas tree.

Admiring her tree…..sounds like I need a beer this evening to prepare for the beer tomorrow that I will be drinking as I sit under a tree that is shedding needles on someone else’s floor, that someone else is forgetting to water, and that someone else knows before this holiday is over the dog is going to run through the house and slam into the tree knocking it down and leaving shards of broken glass all over the floor that the kids will step right through or over because they don’t have it in them to grab the broom and sweep it up themselves.

Ya know.....sometimes it’s good to be Queen.

Holiday Traffic Is The BOMB!

2008-12-02T11:51:00.004-05:00

Well we made the trip to and from Columbus; what should have been a thirteen hour drive (with potty breaks) turned into seventeen hours each way. SEVENTEEN HOURS!!! Why did it take so long? Well, because I love you guys and think of you often I took my camera along just so I could share with you a photo or two of holiday traffic.

In February of this year Atlanta was deemed having the worst traffic in the country; here is why:

This is our trip up to Columbus. Between Macon and Atlanta this is what the traffic looked like. This is a 95 mile distance that took between three and four hours. It usually only takes me just over an hour. Not this past weekend:

This is one of the reasons for the hold ups:

This is our trip back:

We finally got off just south of Atlanta (you can see the split highways here) and took the back roads home. It may have taken a bit longer but at least we were moving!

Any road trip horror stories you’d like to share?

UPDATE.....

This is what I am used to driving on:

Thanksgiving Day Cooking Tips While We're Away

2008-11-25T15:56:00.005-05:00

My brother is always looking for new ways to cook a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Living in the south it is now “understood” that the holiday bird will be deep fried, not baked like woosie people do. Through trial and error he has discovered the need to fully thaw and remove any and all moisture from the turkey before submerging the carcass into a vat of hot, boiling oil.

He has also discovered that it’s best not to fry a turkey in the carport as the flames can flash in a nanosecond reaching heights of ten feet or more.

Lastly, it has been determined that when frying a turkey, proper footwear is a must.

Hiking Shoes = NO
Steel-toed boots = YES

This year I found a recipe for the Finster to tryout; jars of jalapeno peppers will fill the cavity of the bird instead of plain, old stuffing. Once stuffed the well-thawed and well-dried off turkey will be submerged into the hot vat of boiling oil and cooked to perfection. Unfortunately I will not be here to enjoy this tradition in the making as King and I will be enroute to Ohio to bring back his worldly possessions.

Happy Turkey Day To One And All!

We'll be back next week - stay safe and eat too much.....errr, don't, yea DON'T eat too much.

Does Anyone Have A Dance Hall Girl Outfit I Can Borrow?

2008-11-20T15:33:00.004-05:00

The season of big meals and long naps are finally upon us. The King and I are leaving next week to travel north unto the snow and icy encrusted tundra for to bringeth his life’s possessions unto our kingdom. Yeah, we’re driving the gas-guzzling SUV to his former homestead and bringing the rest of his belongs down to Florida. Or should I have said “all” of his belongings considering he arrive with a suitcase, two small duffle bags, and his laptops. He has a house in Ohio out in the country…..no really, it’s in rural farm country…..but we both feel that any “big ticket” items should not be stored out there for numerous reasons. Therefore, we are renting a big trailer to hitch the behemoth “Gawain” (that’s what I named my Expedition) in order to fill it with The King’s bountiful property and transport it back home. Or what he is now calling home until he decides he can’t take the tedious life here in our small southern town and runs kicking and screaming back to Ohio.

So I bet you guys are asking what kind of “big ticket” items does The King have in Ohio that we don’t want to store in an empty house. Well, as almost all of his antique furnishings were lost in a flood, he is left with the following:

An extensive movie collection (to add to my extensive movie collection which I am very excited about)

An extensive music collection

The rest of his clothing

A desk

A chair

A pool table

Two video arcade games

Lots of Christmas decorations

Now I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but here we have The Queen’s dilemma. I have lived in the same house for roughly eighteen years. I have brought with me, added, taken in, adopted, whatever you want to call it……enough shit to fill two houses and a barn. We live in Florida where the houses do not have basements and rarely have an attic. I have neither. Here is my house:

I am not an architect, interior designer, or decorator so the picture above is the best I can do under those futile circumstances. What I wanted you to notice, however, is that I HAVE NO ROOM!!!!! I have no room for “big ticket” items. So here’s the problem: I need assistance in figuring out where the hell to put a game room. You guys have probably guessed that each room has more than enough furniture (ignore the picture it's not perfectly accurate; there’s plenty in each of the rooms.) If I turn the Florida room into a game room where in the house is it quiet enough for an office and a fold-out couch should we have over-night visitors? The back porch is not closed-in so I don’t want furniture or electrical items out in the humidity or I’ll get electrocuted as I drink my morning coffee and I really do like my straight hair. That weird rectangle to the left of what is suppose to be the bed in the master bedroom is actually a closet so that won’t work. UUGH!

I know we’ll figure it out and it’s important that The King have his own personal space so that he feels at home but…….do you understand where I’m coming from? He’s such a wonderful guy and I want him to feel at home but the only thing I can think of is turning the pool table into a dining room table when not in use and I’m just not really cool with that unless I were able to hang a flashing Budweiser sign from the dining room ceiling. DAMN, I should have bought that one I saw at a garage sale a couple of weeks ago.

Yea, the first thing you see when you walk into the house is the pool hall. Who needs a dining room – we eat in the kitchen! I already have a piano in there for musical entertainment and the party ball may be gone but I have a refillable keg in the garage. Whatcha think? Pool room in the middle of the house? Feel free to make a suggestion or two if you want; I will gladly take any and all under consideration at this point.

"Oid" Words Suck

2008-11-19T10:08:00.004-05:00

Oh my goiter, I am such a goob. Yesterday morning I awoke to a bit of a pain in my back due to sleeping kinda wacky-wacky all over King Dork (we’re both cuddlers). To escape the blinding, excruciating pain in the “twist and sit up” move it takes each morning to get out of bed, I rolled around and sat up stiff backed to compensate for the back ache.

Oh my goiter, I am such a goob. In performing the breath-taking stiff-backed avoid the back pain body-lift, I wretched a muscle in my neck. An inch or two behind my ear, down the left side of my neck and not stopping until that muscle runs into the clavicle. That mother f***ing muscle called the sternocleidomastoid.

Sternocleidomastoid. Let’s take a look at this word and break it down to see exactly what type of pain I’m talking about.

STERNO = fire
CLEIDOMAST = large horse stomping en “mas” which directly controls the weight bearing down on said muscle.
OID = Do I need to explain that every word I could come up with that ended in “oid” truly, TRULY sucks. i.e. hemorrhoid, humanoid, rhomboid (I hated geometry), android (they’re really spooky, like stuffed clown spooky), factoid – wait, I like that word so scratch it from the list – you get my drift, “oid” words suck.

So here I sit in my ergonomically designed office chair with my keyboard at a 90º angle for maximum comfort and still I suffer in silence.

Okay, so maybe not total and complete silence but I’m trying.

I brought with me today copious provisions in an attempt to keep the “owies” at bay. Here we have Myoflex, Dolgit Crème, IcyHot, a store brand equivalent of extra strength Tylenol, Aleve, and a “heat it in the microwave” lavender rice bag. For all of my suggestions to blogosphere friends, I do not take a lot of prescription drugs. I have no pain killers, no muscle relaxers, no pills, shots, or snake oils of any kind. May I take this moment to let you know this morning, my second morning of dealing with the pulled-muscle-it-really-hurts-neck pain, I would have had no problems whatsoever of turning in to a prescription drug addict? I would have gladly horked back a few Vicodin and chased them with a shot of tequila followed closely by a couple of Percocet, Skelaxin, Darvocet, and for a good night’s sleep a small dose of Amobarbital.

Oh my goiter, I am such a douche bag…if it weren’t for the horrendously frightening side effects and reactions I have had to any and every prescription pain killer I ever allowed past my lips I think I would at this moment be laying prone on the floor of my office, my head resting comfortably upon the hideously ugly carpeting and drooling out of the right side of my mouth.

Let’s hope that damn lavender rice bag works.

UPDATE:

Neck doing MUCH better thanks for your thoughts and well wishes!

A Holly Jolly Good Time

2008-11-18T15:16:00.003-05:00

While catching up on my friends I stopped by to see what Bee was doing. I was breathless with excitement when I saw that I was not the only person to get a jump start on decorating for the holidays. Bee does the same thing. Actually that’s not true; Bee got a jump start even on me! As I will be heading up north into the path of snow and ice over the Thanksgiving holiday, I’m dusting off my Christmas decorations a week early. Sunday will be spent taking the thirty-seven boxes out of my mother’s attic that contain my holiday garlands, wall hangings, nativity scenes, ginormous Christmas village, tree ornaments, yard decorations, and a vast array of strings of lights. If there is a space, nook, cranny, spot, corner, niche, or spot there is going to be some kind of goo-ga placed “just so”. It’s a long and tedious process but every year I gear up by popping in a holiday CD (maybe an Ella Fitzgerald or a Harry Connick, Jr.), pouring a beer into a green or red goblet to prepare myself and my family for an entire week of decorating and destruction. Destruction? Yeah, I have so much crap that I have to pack up bookcases and tchotchkes in order to properly display my collection of…well…holiday crap.

I hate taking down my fall decorations because fall is probably my favorite season of the year. I love the colors, the smells, and the turtleneck sweaters I get to unpack from their summer hiding place in the back of my closet.

But by bringing out the sparkles, shimmers, and colors of Christmas my sadness is short lived.

Anyone else a Christmas Decoration Addict that would like to start participating in our weekly CDA Meetings? Free membership!

I Had No Idea

2008-11-17T11:06:00.003-05:00

The King and I spent the weekend running errands and just shopping around. He wants to get a grill now that he can cook outside year round so Saturday morning we went to PetSmart, Home Depot, and Lowe's. I know, PetSmart doesn’t have grills but it was right beside Home Depot and I needed a few things for the fish tanks. I was almost a very bad girl at PetSmart but the King helped me refrain from getting a puppy......even though it was a really, really, cute and sweet puppy that was abandoned at a cabin when he was very small and almost died BUT I was a good girl none-the-less because the rescue group is a “no kill” organization so I knew the not-so-little guy was safe from harm. As we left the store we began our excursion "window shopping" for grills.

I had no idea…

Grill shopping for guys is a totally different experience than it is for girls. Don’t get me wrong, I L.O.V.E. cooking on a grill but I can get the same result from this:

as I can with this:

King wanted this:

Not only was his choice a tad expensive and include a mini refrigerator, but it was a bit cumbersome as well. I had no idea how we would have gotten it home in the SUV….even if we had had a trailer to load it on.

As I watch King position himself in front of this behemoth of a monster-grill, I swear I heard angels singing as he stood dead center of the mammoth component, caressing the surface like that of a young, nubile, virgin sacrifice. He struck a Jesus pose and prayed to the grill-gods of Valhalla. It was a beautiful thing to behold. It brought a tear to my eye just imagining him in nothing but a chef's hat and apron cooking one inch thick porterhouse steaks off the back porch.

Yes siree, it was a beautiful thing!

Mr. Interpretation

2008-11-13T13:06:00.001-05:00

Driving back to work after a lunch hour spent together, the King and I noticed a car to our right that had this decal in the back window:

The King asked what the decal symbolized and I stated that the driver was a “girl hunter”.

“Oh, she’s a lesbian,” he stated.

I giggled and said “No….she is a Girl. Hunter.”

“That’s what I said.”

“No,” I repeated “she is a girl that hunts; that’s the logo for Browning.”

“Oh.”

Welcome again, to the world of Redneckaucracy…..

A Sad Day For Carnies Everywhere

2008-11-12T13:16:00.007-05:00

Wow…..what a let down. After all of my hoopla and excitement about the fair being in town I was sorely disappointed by the lack of photo opportunities. I got....

The carnies were actually fairly well groomed and had obviously received dental insurance upon the legislative requirement that all carnival ride operators become licensed and insured. What’s up with THAT?!?!? How are we to tolerate attending the most feared and hated celebration of redneckaucracy? We all know that nothing outdoes fair food as far as our supercilious palates go but to suffer through the mediocrity of the Ferris wheel operator was just plain unacceptable. Let me give you a couple examples:

Here we have my brother and sister-in-law posing for a photo so that I could hone in on the woman with the neck tattoo.

That’s it, a neck tattoo. No gaping holes in her oral cavity where her central or lateral incisors should have been……nothin’!

Here we have “The Man of Thick Glasses.” Again, no missing teeth but he DID have that “Hi my name is Cletus and I’m a pedophile” look about him.

Take a close look at the picture below; the carnie is nothing special as far as freakishness goes but I’d like to point out the shoulders the man’s face falls between; this is my brother and sister-in-law again posing for the sake of my blog. Are they the bomb or WHAT!!!

This one we’ll call “Checkin’ Out The Underage Girl’s Ass”. Isn’t he just a cheek’s pinch away from Sunday dinner with the family?

There were quite a few fabulous examples of what not to wear in public but after I got caught taking this first picture, I was afraid of getting my ass kicked in an attempt to add additional photographs to my portfolio. The lady in red was not pleased with my attempt at humor; she didn’t think there was anything wrong at all with her fashion ensemble.

I think the best time we had all night was eating the “if it ain’t deep fried, it ain’t good enough” food. Here’s my brother contemplating where to begin.

After a little bit of this and a whole lot of that….

high on the hog (literally) and we headed home.

check out the photo blog for additional pictures of our trip to the fair

Freaks and Geeks

2008-11-10T11:06:00.006-05:00

I’m so excited…..guess what’s in town this week! The FAIR! I love the fair. King Dork and I don’t go for the rides; we go for the food, the freaks, and the photo opportunities. This evening’s entertainment will begin with a bit of fair food followed by the freak shows. I. Love. The. Fair.

I, Queen Goob, do solemnly swear to my best in bringing back to you a photo montage of all the food we partake in and all the freaks we come across or….pay to see!

Don’t hate me because I’m petty like that…..

it’s the FAIR!

Some Things Never Change

2008-11-07T09:20:00.001-05:00

Many of my blogger friends talk of their kids and I realize that I’m older than I think because most of the kids I read about are in elementary school. Not mine; I have the dreaded beast of terror, destruction, and destitution that we call teenagers. Funny, though, no matter how well we try to train them day after day, week after week, they revert to their toddlerism days and do things that just plain crack me up.

Spawnette was just recently working on a project required of her speech class. They were to “invent” a product, design advertising and marketing materials, and present it to the class. She came up with some kind of walking, talking, breathing, and don’t forget to do the dishes and laundry telephone. The phone would have been a tad large and wouldn’t have fit in my pocket but that’s the price you pay for maid service.

A package of poster board and a box of markers later I present to you her first attempt at marketing.

It says: I ♥ U

Some things never change, do they? At least it was the dog and not the furniture or living room walls.

Help Desk Ticket

2008-11-05T11:28:00.006-05:00

I went to the cable company’s home office last Thursday to pick up a modem so that I could hook up high-speed internet at the house. It’s a twenty-three minute drive from work so I figured I could haul butt there and back during my lunch break with a couple of minutes to spare due to the fact my middle name is “Racer X”. No such luck; the DMV here is fabulous, not so much the cable company.

After receiving my modem and all required insert technical terms here for cables and stuff, I raced back to the office prepared to hook up the internet at home over the weekend. Thinking ahead and due to the fact I’m a blonde, I called my brother over to assist and guide in the connection of the box to the computer.

He got nothin’.

We drank a couple of beers, tried again, and still got nothin’. At this point I offered my assistance.

Bro went home, grabbed his modem and came back to the homestead; lo and behold thru his box we had high-speed connectivity and proceeded to surf the web. He left, took his box with him with the understanding that I would go BACK to the home office and trade out boxes because obviously I had a defective modem.

Monday I again took my lunch break to turn in the “defective” modem and traded it in on a “working” modem.

Went home last night, hooked it up and guess what!! You got it…

I got nothin’.

After two modems, three phone calls to tech support, and three IT professionals, I called and made an appointment for a cable technician to come to the house and “hook it up properly”. I have a feeling that Cletus may run into difficulties, too.

Should I have King Dork and Brother there for good measure? Yeah, I think so, too.

Mergers and Acquisitions

2008-11-04T10:38:00.003-05:00

The merge is complete. Okay, the merge has begun but the move in is complete. The merge will be the easy part. This is what King Dork brought with him when he arrived in Tallahassee. Think I have room in my 1900+ square foot home?

I don’t know; it looks like the merging of our “stuff” may be a tough one. We’re heading to Ohio over the Thanksgiving holiday to bring back the rest of his stuff. He says it should all fit in my SUV. Sounds like we may have to add onto the house to accommodate everything.

And I spent TWO WEEKS CLEANING CRAP OUT OF MY HOUSE FOR THIS?!?!?!?

Looks like I may rake in at the yard sale next weekend!

AARRRRR Ye Ready Fer Halloween?

2008-10-30T08:37:00.008-04:00

The Spawn and I especially love the holidays. Halloween is a time for us to get out there and annoy those we love with lots of tricks now that we no longer go house to house for treats. There are many a thing you can do to “show your love” this evening as we celebrate Mischief Night. (For those living in Detroit, grab a pack of matches and hit the streets.) There’s toilet papering, soaping, and corning to name but a few. Weird enough, though, the local-yokels down here have never heard of such a thing. WWHHAAAAATT???? Never heard of Mischief Night? Well come along, friends, and let us introduce you to a tradition that will surely be marked on next year’s calendar.

There’s soaping. This is the rubbing of bars of soap on people’s windows making them opaque. Ivory is great but shaving cream is fun, too. However, we reserve the shaving cream for those neighbors that allow their dogs to poop in our yards because it’s a little more difficult to clean up.

Then we have “corning”. This is where you get field corn and shuck it into little brown lunch bags so that you can hurl it at passing cars or neighbor’s windows. It makes a TREMENDOUS noise when it hits a big bay window. I won’t allow the spawn to throw corn at cars like I did as a kid because way back when I didn’t realize the danger, Will Robinson, that this could cause.

And finally we have the much-loved…. toilet papering. No explanation needed because why? It’s cheap, it’s fun, and it’s a picture perfect moment.

Many a mischief maker throw eggs, however, I have not incorporated this into the family night of fun. If you’ve ever had to clean dried egg from your car you will remind your offspring that eggs are for eating, not for throwing.

This year’s fun will begin with the initiation of the spawns' first attempt at TPing. I figure we’ll hit an unsuspecting victim outside of our neighborhood then take some pictures to show my blogging family. Call me kookie but I have this fear my vehicle will be recognized if we hit a good friend.

Any suggestions who to toilet paper? It can’t be my brother because he reads my blog AND he and his wife would get P-I-S-S-E-D PISSED!

Just Breathe

2008-10-29T15:58:00.003-04:00

I'm too damn freaked out and panicky to think of anything funny right now because cleaning ones house out in a matter of days IS NOT FUNNY PEOPLE!!!!

(art by Gottfried Helnwein)

Enough About The Purge....For Now

2008-10-28T09:41:00.003-04:00

I know you guys are tired of hearing me complain about the purging of my household items so I thought I would share with you an e-mail response to King Dork's sister. I received a note from The Beanster this weekend wishing me luck and asking if I was truly ready to have her brother move in with me; this is what I told her:

After much consideration and a few moments of dread, my mind and heart have been set. Yes, I'm ready for this. At first a bit of trepidation arose as I have not lived with a man in fourteen years (I don't think my kids remember living with their dad.) But the fear and anxiety were easily nullified by the fact that my chosen path of study in college has prepared me for this better than life itself. Chapter 8, page 209, of the very first text book I purchased toward a "proper education" covers the removal of bloodstains so that they may not be traced. In addition, Chapter 7 covers all trace evidence and how it is collected and Chapter 16 discusses all aspects of a homicide investigation. I highly recommend Barry A. J. Fisher's Techniques of Crime Scene Investigation for any wife or girlfriend that foresees complications or disagreements in their romantic relationships. (You can find the book used on-line, if need be.) Mr. Fisher has kindly covered all areas of crime scenes and what a technician looks for in order to "catch the bad guy." What we can take from this is to learn what NOT to do when eliminating those things from our lives that trouble us.

That being said, the only thing I’m dealing with right now is panic. I’ve lived in the same house for almost nineteen years. Do you KNOW how much stuff a woman can collect in a nineteen year period? Where in heaven’s name am I going to put all that stuff? I asked Bill if he thought he would need more than a drawer for his clothes. He said if he did I could purchase him a cardboard dresser. What a guy, huh?

My sugar-plum, candy-coated, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate bar dreams were shattered long ago. I, too, have a brother. LOL Nah, just kidding, my brother is actually one of my favorite people. Speaking of family, the only thing I see changing in your future are more trips to Florida. Our home is your home; my family is your family……really, they’re yours, take ‘em. I look forward to you and your clan heading down south to thaw out once or twice this winter so we look forward to seeing you guys soon.

I promise to take care of King Dork so don’t worry……Chapter 16 covers a lot. As for the Luck O’ The Irish, let us bow our heads and pray I can hold my liquor.

Love you guys and hope to see ALL of you soon,
Marn

p.s. We’ll have to compare stories of our childhood one of these days and see which ones are worse.

Think she got the picture?

Reality Mode

2008-10-22T11:00:00.001-04:00

If you stopped by yesterday you found me in “panic mode”.

This is why…..

Explains a lot, doesn’t it? I told you I had too much shit to go through in a two week period. Purge my ass; more like “just bulldoze the house and start over” mode should have been considered.

This does not include the eight large yard bags that I'd already "disposed" of. I have many happy friends that have inherited all of my shit who will be moaning and complaining about me this weekend when they try and find room to put all of their "new" stuff.

Panic Mode

2008-10-21T16:25:00.006-04:00

As most of you may already know, my man and I have been dating for three and a half years. We had a “brief sabbatical” for two months earlier this year but through good communication a key in any relationship we were able to determine our differences were a cumulation of my stubbornness and his temper tantrums. Those days have been exorcised from our lives…..at least for the rest of this year.

For those three and a half years we have lived in the same city for the grand total of thirty five days. Yup, for three and a half years we have lived eight hundred and fifty miles apart. Now for some of you this would be a good distance to keep between you and your loved one. For us, not so much. It puts wear and tear on the car, and wear and tear on our old and decrepit bodies: too much travel.

Yesterday, The Emperor, “King Dork”, turned in his resignation as he found a new job. A new job here in The Armpit of Florida. A job in the same town I live.

Simple mathematics results in the following equation: subtract one emperor from Cow-lubus, add one integration broker to The Armpit, multiply that by a single mom and her teenaged spawn with the sporadic introduction of the multivariable of three older offspring and you get the equivalency of one house full of people at my address.

Enter panic.

I have lived in the same house for almost nineteen years. Fifteen of these years with just the kids. Do you people UNDERSTAND how much SHIT I have accumulated over the past nineteen years?!?!? My house was built in the early fifties. There is no closet or storage space. I have shit stuff, crammed, shoved, and poked into every available crevice and hole. There is absolutely no room for his stuff. HOLY SHIT….I have two weeks to clean out a drawer or two for him to throw his underwear and socks when he MOVES IN WITH US.

IN TWO WEEKS!!!!!

UGH!!!!!!

Needless to say I have been a bit busy purging all of the useless and meaningless crap that I have pilfered, saved, accumulated, or inherited over the last few years.

Few……huh, whatever!

I thought I’d share in my humiliating experience of the twelve-step program called “Packrats Anonymous”.

Step thirteen: RELAX!

Chew On This…..

2008-10-15T15:39:00.003-04:00

My best buddy, Leelabelle Magillicutty, was sitting at her sewing machine putting the finishing touches on a quirky little throw pillow for her daughter when all of the sudden her son, Seraphim, came into the room and just stood there. She glanced towards him and noticed that his eyes were a bit puffy and watery and his nose looked swollen and red.

She swung her chair around and asked “You okay buddy? What happened?”

“You’re gonna be mad,” he replied while staring at his feet.

“Honey, what happened? Mommy won’t get mad if you tell the truth.”

“Welllllll, I had this reeeeally awesome piece of gum and and it tasted really, reeeeeally good and and I wanted to smell it because it tasted so good and so I took it out of my mouth and I smelled it and and now I can’t get reach it,” he frantically rambled while shuffling his feet.

“Tell Mommy where it is and I’ll get it for you.”

He glanced up and pointed to his left nostril. “I can’t reach it.”

She gently pulled her son to her lap and to take a look-see up Seraphin’s nose.

No gum.

She set off for the laundry room to grab her handy-dandy flashlight, shined it up Seraphim’s nose and saw a T-I-N-Y little corner of a chewed piece of gum lodged so far up the kid’s nose that she was afraid not even a pair of surgical gloves, a chisel, a suction cup and tweezers would be able to retrieve the damn thing.

A panic attack, visions of a bill from the ambulance service that had to come pick the two of them up because the tweezers became lodged in Seriphim’s brain, a bloody nose, and an hour later….success. Look how BIG that piece of gum was!

God I love that kid!

Just One Of The Guys

2008-10-14T08:07:00.003-04:00

I know you've heard me tell you that many of my buddies are guys. Due to the fact I love football, beer, and raunchy jokes that's just the way the wind blows. So for my birthday, Mr. Hottie and Mr. Psycho-Scary-Tattooed-Guy showed up at the house with a MOST fabulous birthday gift.

Yes folks, that's two cases of beer and a party ball. Are these guys the bomb or WHAT?

Apologies for the blurry picture; as you can see, one of those cases is opened.

Any suggestions on how to best keep the party ball chilled until it's empty? It doesn't fit in my refrigerator and the whole "big tub filled with ice in the middle of my kitchen floor" is going to be old by Thursday.

Football party at my house all weekend, come on over!

The Best Birthday Gift

2008-10-13T13:29:00.003-04:00

I just hung up the phone and had to share this little tid-bit.

While eating lunch at Jimmy John’s a message was left on my phone. As I don’t like to be interrupted while partaking in a Big John sandwich, I left the phone in my car for a peaceful and enjoyable meal. As my lunch buddy, Will-I-Am, and I jumped back into my gas-guzzling SUV “Gawaine”, I see my phone blinking and realize I have a voicemail message. Flipping open the bane of my existence I see that Spawnette has called…..or so I think. I figured that she called to wish me a Happy Birthday because she failed to do so over our morning cup of coffee and the hour it takes for her to get ready for school each morning.

Nope, not a call from Spawnette.

It’s a message from her history teacher.

From Spawnette’s phone.

History is currently her lowest GPA so this solidifies my thoughts and visions of Spawnette sitting in class texting instead of paying attention to the rise and fall of Sparta.

Again…..I am wrong.

I return the call as requested and this is what I am told.

“Hi Ally’s Mom, This is Mrs. World History Teacher.”

“What’d she do? Is she in trouble?” I quickly ask with the hopes of getting the humiliation over as fast as possible.

“Oh no, no, no, she’s not in trouble at all. In fact I wanted to thank you.” She responds.

lift of the right eyebrow “Thank me?”

“Yes”, she continues, “I had to leave the room for a moment to use the lady’s room and right before I left I put on he overhead what I thought were questions for the class to copy down and answer. Instead, I had unknowingly put the answers up and then left the room. Everyone noticed however, Spawnette was the only student to do anything. She went up to the front of the class and removed the answers from the overhead and replaced them with the questions. The other students proceeded to give her quite a bit of slack but she reminded them that they were there to learn, not cheat. I just wanted to take a moment thank you for instilling the integrity and honesty in your daughter that I am constantly preaching about in class. I wish I were able to make twenty more of these calls but I can’t. So thank you.”

Wow…..is that a cool call to get from a teacher or what.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

(That’s a meat cake, YUM!)

When Angels Weep

2008-10-10T11:33:00.004-04:00

Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak,
Whispers the o’er fraught heart and bids it break.
~ William Shakespeare

There are no words of comfort.

A dear friend lost her eldest son two weeks ago today in a horrible car accident that was a genuine accident.

This morning, on his way to work, her husband died of a heart attack.

What can I say to this beautiful woman who has lost so much?

I Work With A Bunch of Clowns

2008-10-09T12:41:00.006-04:00

Meetings, meetings, meetings. If they’d just let us go do our work without having to discuss it with a room full of clowns I bet we could get our work done on time!

So the boss walks in loaded for bear

followed by the lead developer who OBVIOUSLY knows how to program the only way known to man.

Also included are the business analyst,

her protégé,

and two guys from applications and development.

Sitting across from me I’m thrilled to see the office jokester

until a young gun walks into the meeting room and states……“I hear ya got an Appalachian you need to kill.”

“No, Funny Man, but could you kill the application?” I sweetly reply.

Black Dog Syndrome

2008-10-08T16:09:00.006-04:00

WAIT! Before you guys start pounding and slamming me about not blogging here in the past month or two, I need to speak up on my own behalf…..because no one else will. Work has been a total and complete nightmare. Okay, not as bad as IV but bad nonetheless. That dude’s work life S-U-C-K-S!

I work in a government IT department and we are currently preparing for three….count them three new applications that will be going live in two and a half months. What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, no one up until now has decided how they want these systems to work. No big deal you think? Imagine yourself going to, say, a website and every time you need to click on a button for more information or a link or a picture or an order form or whatever, imagine that link not working. You click and nothing happens. Each one of these pages has a gazillion options available to you and no one…NO ONE has decided how they are going to work. Not only that, the current systems (of which there are three) have to be “killed off”. That means they will no longer will be available for use. This means training employees to use the new systems. This means informing employees they will receive training for the new systems. OH WAIT! This means the development of training for employee training. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GUYS HAVEN’T GOTTEN STARTED ON THIS YET!!!

So, needless to say I have had early mornings and late nights FILLED with idiots and morons.

I love government work! YES!

I feel like one of those black dogs people have been talking about lately. This leads to my intro into…

The kids and I have been discussing the adoption of another dog to keep our “Pooper” company.

Of course none of us agree on what breed of dog we want; I want an Irish Wolfhound, Spawn wants a boxer, and Spawnette wants something she can carry around and bling-out (that is SO not happenin’.)

Anywho, in doing a bit of research because that what we mommies do, I ran across information about a phenomenon called “Black Dog Syndrome”. Has anyone ever heard of this? My brother mentioned it years ago but I had totally forgotten about it. It’s so prevalent that some local animal shelters even advertise it in order to inform the public.

I’m not one to stand on a really talk soapbox but one less “dead dog walking” is awesome in my book.

I think the effort to educate the public is great. So great, in fact, that I’ve included not only stories from reliable sources but links for those of you that have recently considered bringing into their homes a new member of the family.

Articles of Interest:
Time
MSNBC

Resource for available dogs near you!

Thanks for listening, I'll get down off my cardboard box now and get back to work.

Back From Vacation

2008-09-22T09:42:00.004-04:00

Just back from a vacation in the Rockies with my man; will update as soon as my work is caught up.....and no one is in my office looking over my damn shoulder! Geez, you'd think I had better things to do than get caught up in my blogosphere!

p.s. If I have to spend one more minute listening to our receptionist gag and throw up as she sits at her desk I'm heading up there to bitchslap her and send her ass home. Come on, do you REALLY think that's what I want to hear as I drink my morning coffee?

Welcome back, Marn, welcome back!

Missed Me, Missed Me, Now Ya Gotta Kiss Me!

2008-09-12T14:29:00.005-04:00

So I bet the past two weeks with no word from the Marnster has driven all of my regular readers away in disgust. Bitch ain’t got’s the time fer us we outta here. Well let’s see, things to get you guys caught up on:

· Workin’ the Storms

· Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Bootie’s Surgery

· Sister Sister in Town to Cover My Ass

· Reconciliation With My Man

· Spawn’s Football

· Insurance Coverage for Teenage Boy

· I Love Football

Okay, that about covers the first ten days since I was last here; get the picture of how hectic my life was sans the football? Because come on, everyone has to have a vise or thirteen.

Workin’ the Storms

It sucked. I worked anywhere from twelve to fifteen hours a day. And remember, State Emergency Response covers the entire State of Florida. They get a thunderstorm over Key West and yes, it’s us to the rescue. And can you say it’s been Africa Hot? She’s been spittin’ out storms like a toothless old man with over active mucous membranes standing on the front porch hockin’ loogies at the neighborhood hoodlums. We also offer assistance to neighboring states should they be impacted as well. Guess what? Next big storm they’re gonna deploy me to a staging area instead of “The War Room”. Okay, so that would be cool; I’m not complaining about that.

Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Bootie’s Surgery

Yes folks, I got pictures. If my mother sees this she will be SOOOOO pissed but then again, she has no internet and the only people I can think of that would tell her I posted a post-op picture of her in all of her glory would be my brother or my sister.

(Judy-Judy doing her impersonation of a morphine addict as my brother, Finnie, provides her with a chaser of vodka. Okay, okay, she'd just awakened from surgery and was thirsty. Note the snicker on my brother's face? Yeah, he spilled a bit of water onto Judy-Judy's boobies but she was still doped up so we didn't tell her.)

Judy-Judy’s surgery went well. She’s up and hobbling around with just a cane. However, for those of you that have never been a caregiver of any kind whatsoever, it’s a tough job. My mom wasn’t even sick and she drove me nuts. She’s lucky I love her as much as I do….and I love her BUNCHES…..but washing her hair for her while she was unable to take a shower proved that Shampoo Girl is not an optional career choice for me should I ever decide to get a new job. I soaked myself, my mother, and her friend Pat The Telephone Junkie in three minutes flat. Thank goodness she finally got her stitches out and can bathe herself.

I won’t tell you about her sponge bath; it even scared me.

Sister-Sister in Town to Cover My Ass

My sister arrived Monday night of this week to take over the care of my mother.

I. Love. My. Sister.

(Remarkable how much she resembles Angelina Jolie, isn’t it?)

Reconciliation With My Man

Way back in June, King Dork and I had a bit of a tiff and after three years of long distance relationship struggles, he called it quits. Nine hundred miles DOES tend to put a strain on a romantic relationship and no being able to see each other as often as we liked, irrational insecurities on both sides attacked our over-active imaginations and BAM…..disaster struck.

BUT, I really, really missed my snuggie-wugg’ms.

I caved.

I contacted him, told him I missed him, he missed me too, we talked about what goobers we both were and SHAZZAM….he showed up at my door for Labor Day weekend. Next week we’re meeting in Denver for the WVU/Colorado game. YEA!!!! Sex, football, beer, and no kids. Can you say “YESSSSSS”?

I’m so glad I called this big, bald, tattooed, lovable guy…..

....besides, he’s a Steelers fan so I have to keep him.

Spawn’s Football

Friday August 29th was my son’s first football game of the season. He is the starting left guard and guess what!

Hold on a minute, I’m a bit emotional and my eyes are tearing up; I can’t see to type.

Okay, thanks for being patient with my sentimental ass.

Spawn received his very first personal foul.

I KNOW!!!! He makes a mother proud. A kid from the opposing team said something derogatory so Spawn lifted him up by the front of his jersey and threw him to the ground. I’m in the stands hold up this sign:

I jump up yelling into the face of the guy sitting next to me DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!? THAT’S MY BOY!!! (Pointing proudly at my offspring)

Then I remembered he plays for a Christian school so I quickly sat back down.

I’d like to think the kid said something ugly about me so Spawn felt the need to kick his ass. He neither confirmed nor denied so leave me with my dream, will ya?

Insurance Coverage for Teenaged Spawn

Speaking of Spawn, I contacted my insurance guy to see how much my insurance would increase by allowing Spawn to finally get his regular driver’s license.

I would increase by 400%.

Spawn’s not getting his license any time soon.

I Love Football

Did anyone else cry at the beginning of football season because they were so glad to see it again? None of my family has ESPN because they’re all a bunch of cheap bastards so party at my house on any given game day.

I am a football whore. I really don’t have much to report on here and don’t ask me to recite stats or tell you where any given player is from (that’s Spawn’s job), just leave me alone if there’s a game on TV because I. Love. Football.

Just remember….if you’re coming over to watch a game, bring beer.

There you have it folks, a busy time was had by all. Sister Sister goes home on Sunday, I leave for Denver on Wednesday BUT I will do my best to come a visit all of my long lost friends this weekend and get caught up.

And by the way, I missed you guys, too!

I Got Gas

2008-09-12T12:11:00.003-04:00

Thank goodness a friend called and warned me gas prices were hitting the roof; as I stood in line to pay, the lady behind the countered answer the ringing phone and screamed $5.49?!?!?!

Yup, go fill up now if you're low because the lines are long and once a station runs out and is required to get a new shipment, the price could go up as high as $6.00 a gallon.

Ike......you're a dick!

Come ON Fay, Get A Move On Already……….

2008-08-25T09:44:00.003-04:00

This blog post was written early Saturday morning on my laptop with very little battery juice. The power was knocked out at my house in the middle of the night Friday and it has yet to be restored. A tree fell on the line that leads to my house and blew a hole in the meter joint. (Pictures to be downloaded tonight.) I had an electrician come by yesterday late afternoon to tell me there was nothing he could do until this morning. But that wasn’t the bad news. Due to the age of my home, none of the wiring is up to code. So….my mom is having knee replacement surgery tomorrow morning and will be in extended care for a week to ten days. The spawn and I will be crashing at her place until the wiring is done at our house.

Fay……you’re a bitch!

So this is what I woke up to this morning.

But weirder still, half of my house has electricity and half of my house does not. I had electricity throughout the house when I woke up this morning a little before 7:00. But as I sat here downloading pictures to share with you guys, the lights flickered, I heard a that well know BOOM of a breaker box blowing up in the distance and BAM, no electricity for the master bath, bedroom, and half of my kitchen. Half of my kitchen??? What the hell is up with that? At least the half of the kitchen that has electricity is the half that my coffee pot and TV are on.

So now I sit and wait for Mr. Electricity Man to show up at my house and cut the tree away from the line so that he can reattach the wires to the house. I’m thinking maybe Mr. Man should hurry as branches are falling from the trees into my yard and crashing onto the roof. It’s kinda freaking me out a tad.

Hope he’s hot; maybe I’ll tell him he has a nice ass if he is.

Pulling the night shift tonight and tomorrow night so I still won’t be around much. You’d think people that live in Florida would prepare themselves for hurricane season. THIS IS FLORIDA PEOPLE – DO YOUR HOMEWORK BEFORE MOVING DOWN HERE!

Holy Crap

2008-08-20T21:26:00.004-04:00

It's 9:30 p.m. I'm home, hungry, and ready to drop. Gonna grab a cajun turkey sam'ich, strip off my clothes, crawl into bed and crash. Have a meeting and need to be at the office ready to go no later than 5:30 tomorrow morning.

Think I got enough time for one lil beer? Sure could use one.

I'm sleepy.........

Tropical Storm Update

2008-08-18T20:19:00.003-04:00

If you read yesterday's post you're one of thirteen that know I was activated last night and on the job by 06:00 this morning. Activated for what? Good question as we were asking the same thing.

There was worry of a hurricane hitting The Keys and heading straight up the state of Florida. Monroe County (where The Keys are) had some evacuations, shelters were assembled for those that had nowhere else to go, and logistic staging areas were set up to assist in getting things where they needed to be (water, ice, meds, oxygen, etc.) Too bad they didn't ship me out to one of the LSA's as that's where the military guys are. HOOYAH!

So as I had meteorizationalized yesterday, we didn't have a hurricane, we had a thunderstorm. Yes the weather is still bad over the lower-half of the state but the peninsula called Florida is not going to fall into the depths of the Atlantic or the Gulf of Mexico. We may have a flood or two but no one will be washed away never to be heard from again....we hope.

I know one or two of you are wondering what exactly it is I do. Well, to put it in layman’s terms I sit in a big room, receive missions that have been assigned to our group (which is responsible for “health stuff” i.e. water, ice, oxygen, portable toilets, sanitation stations, special needs shelters for displaced hospitals, etc.) telling us who needs what, when, where, and why. I then get on the horn, order “stuff”, and finally make sure the “stuff” gets delivered.

Look, there’s me helping to supervise the minions:

Wow, how exciting is that, folks??? BUT, I can also have the ability to tell my family and friends where it’s safe to be in the event of a disaster, how to get there via roads that have not been closed, and where to go in the event of an evacuation. Yeah, that’s kinda cool.

So it boils down to no deployment for me this storm; I’ll be staying right here in good old Tallahassee. Tomorrow will be another twelve hour day BUT I’ll be saving all the old people and telling them where to go.

And in my own special way, too.

I'll be catching up with all of my blogging friends as soon as I'm back to normal hours. Stay safe!

Where Are The Fairies And Elves When I Need Them?

2008-08-17T12:23:00.004-04:00

fay (f ) - noun - fairy or an elf. [Middle English faie, enchanted person or place, from Old French fae.]

I the world of Webster’s, “fay” may mean fairy or elf but not in the world of Marnie. Nope, today this is Fay:

(The Weather Channel)

This graphic shows the projected path of tropical storm-force wind speeds from Fay over the next 72 hours. (NOAA)

I have been activated as of 10:00 this morning. A tropical storm warning with the potential landfall of a cat 1 or even a cat 2 storm validated the Governor issuing a State of Emergency which means that I, as a logistics supervisor, have been called upon to assist the people of the State of Florida in preparation of a possible disaster. Now remember, it doesn’t take much for an excess of damage to take place; in 2005, Wilma broke records when she strengthen from a 70-mph tropical storm to a 170-mph category 5 hurricane in just twenty-four hours.

(NOAA)

Now what, you ask, do I see in my future for this activation as far as disaster relief and such? I see a really big thunder storm hitting the keys and heading up the west coast of Florida. I see a bunch of guys just WAITING for a storm to hit so that they can go forth and “save the world”. I see more time away from my kids and less time spent at home. I see some storm surge and a bit of flooding but nothing that will bring people’s every day lives to a screeching halt.

But then again I’m not a meteorologist; I just play one in my mind.

Don’t know how long I’m going to be gone but I am to in at 17:00 hrs and start preparing for the worst.

Stay safe, stay cool, stay tuned.

It's Pink Saturday...

2008-08-16T14:44:00.001-04:00

...go check it out!

Don’t Look In The Mirror

2008-08-15T21:41:00.003-04:00

Spawnette called around four o’clock this afternoon asking me to chaperone her and her friend, “Visigoth”, to see an “R” rated movie. Nothing sexually explicit or raunchy. No, they wanted to see a scary movie.

I love scary movies.

I got the movie time, location, and cash and was ready to go. As this is a weekend with FAPOS (i.e. dad) I told Spawnette I would meet them at the theatre and take the two of them home afterward.

Five o’clock the call comes.

They cancelled on me.

Well damn, those were the only plans I had for the weekend. I have nothing else to do but wash clothes, dust the house, scrub toilets, and bathe the dog and they had the balls to cancel on me?? Well piss on it, I went by myself.

I went to see the early show of the new Keefer Sutherland movie. He’s not one of my favorites but the girls had psyched me up for a scary movie so I purchased my ticket, got my snack (you cannot go to the movies without popcorn; it’s sacrilege) and grabbed a seat right in the middle – halfway up and halfway in…..the perfect spot.

It was the 5:40 show so I wasn’t expecting too many others in the audience. There were eleven others besides myself and one really creepy guy that had his hands behind his back while walking the rows the full ten minutes before the show started.

I failed to mention that I have this irrational fear. Okay, one of many but let’s not go there today because I’ve been in a pensive mood for the past two days.

I don’t look into mirrors in a dark room. I don’t want to lift my eyes and see someone looking back at me. Someone from the other-side, dead, no longer living, with milky white eyes and a death pallor to their skin. You know that lost, malevolent soul is going to reach through that mirror, grab you by the throat, and slither over the edge to finish you off.

Mirrors in dark rooms are scary.

I went to see Mirrors.

I rushed home before the sun set, turned on lots of lights, and am now sitting at the kitchen table with the hallway door closed and the dog by my side.

Cooper weighs a hundred pounds.

Cooper is a pussy.

I’m not going to the bathroom until my bladder is ready to bust so I guess I should slow down on the beer. Only one problem; the movie has now made me apprehensive of all reflective surfaces. Jeez-mo-ninnies, there are a LOT of windows in my house.

Great, I’m a pussy, too.

SHIT…..my backdoor isn’t locked and with my luck that scary guy from the theatre will come bursting through the storm door, grab me by the throat and slither over the table to finish me off.

I. Love. Scary. Movies.

A \lur-nid\ Language

2008-08-14T11:37:00.005-04:00

I was perusing some of the blogs I read on a regular basis and finally got around to Let The Dog In! She doesn’t do “Wordless Wednesday” oh, no, no, no, not this classy chick. She does “Learn A Word Wednesday”. I actually love learning new words so I await her new word every Wednesday in order to further my already copious vocabulary with yet another component. My favorite word up until today had been “claque”. (I want my claque to consist of a group of hard bodies with six-pack abs, thank you very much.)

Yesterday’s word for the day was “persiflage”. It’s like chocolate melting on your tongue. Say it with me; “persiflage”. I copied this directly from her blog but I’m sure she won’t mind. (If she does we’ll battle it out later.)

\PUR-suh-flahzh\ noun:

Frivolous or bantering talk; a frivolous manner of treating any subject, whether serious or otherwise; light raillery.

Persiflage comes from French, from persifler, “to banter,” from per-, “thoroughly” (from Latin) + siffler, “to hiss, to whistle,” ultimately from Latin sibilare, “to hiss (at), to whistle.”

She had a short yet entertaining post about hissing in blogs then posed the question of whether or not we were hissers ourselves. Moi? A hisser? Not me, I tend to be more of a sarcastic kinda gal. So in my infamous style I wiki’d “sarcasm” to see from whence this delectable word hailed.

I was shocked. I had no idea. No really, it’s worse than I thought and not even mildly funny.

\SAHR-kaz-uh m\ noun:
A harsh or bitter derision or irony; a sharply ironical taunt; a sneering or cutting remark.

“Sarcasm” appeared in English in 1579, from Late Latin "sarcasmos," in turn from Hellenistic or Medieval Greek "sarkasmos," and ancient Greek σαρκάζω (sarkazo, meaning 'to tear flesh').

To tear flesh.

Okay, it’s more than mildly funny but I thought I’d try my hand at “compassion” just this once.

\kuh m-PASH-uh n\ noun:
a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

Well I guess that was as good as me telling a baby not to fart, not gonna happen. This confirms what we already know; sarcasm is my language of choice, thank you very much.

Anyone need a Band-Aid?

What The Hell Kind of Southern Family Reunion Was That?

2008-08-12T10:00:00.009-04:00

The day before the spawn and I left for our end of the summer hoorah family vacation, we spent the day at Wakulla Springs attending a family reunion. As I mentioned before, many of these family members traveled from AlaBAMa, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Georgia. I was so excited about the photo opportunities and stories this gathering would provide that I peed my pants just thinking about it a couple of days before the event.

It was not what I was expecting.

No missing teeth, protruding ears, lopsided eyes, or clubbed feet. Oh no indeed. Instead, we had three carat diamond rings living in four thousand square foot homes. We had Cadillac and BMW’s; Prada and Coach, Manolo Blahnik and Via Spiga. Where were the overalls and suspenders, the lower lip full of dip, and the inbred children of Uncle Cletus and Aunt Pearl? People, this was NOT the South we see in the MGM featured horror movie of the week. This was not Wrong Turn or its sequel. This was a party for a group of Southern Antebellum women minus the hooped skirts and parasols. My nephew is currently ranked thirteenth in the nation for pre-calculus so I didn’t even get a taste of slow-wittedness from cousin Earl.

I was so disappointed.

All I got was this; a picture of a picture of a man and wife no one knew or remembered. But what a great picture, huh?

Where WERE you guys?!?!?!?

________________________________________

On a side note, I took a bunch of pictures of the Springs. It’s a beautiful place of raw beauty bursting with wildlife. I’ll be posting some of the pictures on my photo blog but thought you guys would get a kick outta this.

This is a picture from the pier within the swimming area (note the floating cone in the lower right-hand corner.) But wait! What do mine eyes behold?

Let’s focus in a bit closer, shall we?

You got it, that’s an eight foot alligator gliding through the waters just beyond the swimming hole.

Reason #2 why I don’t go swimming in Wakulla Springs.

Queen Goob Needs......

2008-08-11T15:30:00.008-04:00

I know - you're waiting for stories from my vacation because I was gone so long; still drafting them out so please be patient.

While on vacation I was tagged by Random Chick with a meme. The rules are simple: Google "Your name needs" and describe the first ten results. (I didn’t include anything that referenced my blog or comments made on someone else’s blog where I signed my name as this would have really limited the results – it referenced the following blogs: mine more than once, Random Chick, whatigotsofar, catscratchdiva, and memarielane. Considering I only got about 5,600 total links in my search, this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.)

Just about anything you want – for FREE! Lots of stuff if you’re wanting to become a drag queen.

A memo on safety first at work from Diagnostic Laboratories Services, Inc. Crap, they found out about my HAZMAT suit, didn’t they?

A review of the Grateful Dead concert that took place at the Laguna Seca Raceway in Monterey California in July of 1988. Did you know that a couple of Deadheads camped out on the grounds of a U.S. Army rifle range resulting in the Dead being banned from playing there ever again? Me neither! Go figure!

Lyrics to the songs from the Magical Mystery Tour album first released in 1967. Too bad I’m not a Beatles fan…..not even a little, tiny bit.

An “unofficial” DisneyWiki site referencing Michael Yagoobina, AKA, the Bowler Hat Guy from the feature film Meet The Robinsons. Meet the Robinsons is a computer-animated film and the 46th animated feature produced by Walt Disney Pictures. It is based on the children's book, A Day with Wilbur Robinson by William Joyce. Okee-dokee, then.

This is my personal favorite…a review of Elizabeth LaPrelle’s music from her Rain and Snow album. It seems “Elizabeth sounds like she descended straight from the Blue Ridge circa 1920.” Gosh, and I don’t yet have that CD in my collection; gonna run right out and buy THAT one cause Lord knows I love me some banjo pickin’ mountain music!

Take a moment and listen to Elizabeth’s song “Darlin’ Corey”

The “bebo” profile of a nineteen year old girl from Dublin who was recently accepted into NCAD! You go Abigail! (NCAD is the The National Collegeof Art & Design located in Dublin.)

Guardian’s Ancient Egypt Discussion Board in which someone is in dire need of pictures of Hatshepsut. Who was Hatshepsut? Well, she was the chief queen of Tuthmosis II, who declared herself King of Egypt. That bitch!

It seems the NHRA may not be returning to E-Town in 2009 due to the death of racer Scott Kalitta who died from injuries suffered during a qualifying accident and there are some pissed off people discussing it.

And finally – an article about a curvaceous Miss Surrey hopeful of her outcome in the Miss England competition that took place in July. Hold on, let me see who won….nope, but she placed second.

Thanks RC, that was a hoot. I'm not officially tagging anyone but if you need to steal something on one of those days you just don't have a thing to bitch about, this was a fun.

Update From The Road

2008-08-03T12:04:00.002-04:00

(I tried posting this morning but lost connection just outside of Macon. We arrive safe and sound to a big party going on so this is the first chance I’ve had to get the rest of the post up.)

We left a few minutes early this morning. However, when the EX (FAPOS for those of you that know and love him) dropped off the kids last night he provided an alternate route for us to take rather than driving all the way on interstate highways. SOOOOO, we started off taking canopy roads and two-lane highways which take us through small towns where the goats are tied to stakes in fronts yards right next to the ever-present plastic fake geese.

So far we’ve only taken two wrong turns.

Here we are passing through Macon. There are lots of homeless people roaming the street. This one looks like he’s had a long morning already and it was only 11:00 a.m. EST.

Here’s Spawnette surfing the web while on the road; isn’t she cute?

We’re back on a main highway headed toward Interstate 20 which we will take the rest of the way into Charlotte.

Hope you guys are having as exciting a day as we are!

p.s. Sampson….you’re watermelon is not yet ready to be taken off the vine; we’ll check it when we get there….see you soon!

Count Down

2008-08-01T15:25:00.003-04:00

As some of you know, I will be on vacation as of 4:30 EST today. I have a family reunion on my ex “mother-in-law’s” side of the family Saturday at Wakulla Spring State Park, but first thing Sunday morning the spawn and I are climbing into the gas-guzzling SUV and hitting the road for Charlotte, North Carolina.

Lots to do on only three minutes spare time so look for me later.

The family reunion includes family coming from Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida; can you say “photo op.”?

All I Need Are Some Tasty Waves, A Cool Buzz, And I'm Fine.

2008-07-31T08:41:00.005-04:00

Most mornings I arrive at work promptly at 7:30; this morning was an exception. I arose as usual at 5:45 to the persistent buzzing of my alarm clock. I soared out of bed, slapped the alarm clock to activate the snooze, crawled back under the covers and proceeded to dream about that really cool traffic map in the right-hand column of my blog (please don’t ask; I have no idea.) The following conversation took place this morning at approximately 7:21:

*ring*

*ring*

Boss: Good Morning, this is (insert boss’s name here), how can I help you?

Me: Hey it’s Marn. I’m running late, I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Boss: What’s wrong with the bus? (Isn’t he a funny guy…..)

Me: Dude, I totally slept through my alarm.

Boss: *hardy laughter* ‘Kay, see you soon.

Dude????

Totally????

What am I, the reincarnate of Spacoli? My boss is now Mr. Hand? What the hell came out of my mouth?!?!?

Thank goodness they deliver pizza to my complex; it looks like it’s gonna be one of those days.

Dude?

*sheesh*

Believe it or not, I pulled into the parking lot at 8:01. My hair may have been wet but I made it in record time.

What's A Little Poo In The Big Scheme Of Things?

2008-07-30T11:17:00.007-04:00

This is not a recent story but every time I think of it I laugh out loud. It is also the prologue of another story that happened earlier this week.

Picha dis (did anyone see My Cousin Vinny?)

One day not too terribly long ago my best friend Magillicutty was mindlessly folding laundry in her family room while watching reruns of Trauma: Life in the E.R. Her son, Seraphim, walks into the family room and announces, “Mom? I got poop on my hands.”

Magill turns to him, sees poop all over his hands with a smear here and there on his clothing and says, “Honey, mommy has told you that if you have a messy poo to call her so that she can come help you wipe your bottom.”

They walk through the kitchen, down the hall, and into the bathroom. Magill is greeted with poop on the toilet seat, poop on the hand towel, poop streaks in the sink, on the faucet handles, and along the wall by the toilet paper holder.

With horror straining her vocal cords knowing that she will be cleaning this horrific mess, she squeaks out “What happened? Why didn’t you call mommy to help?????”

He shrugs and give her that I don’t know look.

After disinfecting her son, she grabs her HAZMAT suit and gets to work on cleaning up the rectal explosion that has coated most every surface of the bathroom.

The subject was forgotten.

The next afternoon Magill and Seraphim are riding down the road in the proverbial soccer van when out of the blue, Boy-child states, “Ya know mom…..sometimes poop’s messy.”

“I know Honey, that’s why you call mommy next time you have a messy poo so that she can come and help you clean up. So tell me, what happened in there, Buddy?”

“Well ya see, mom, it’s like this; I was sitting on the toilet takin’ a poop and I could tell it was gonna be a reeeeeealy BIG poop so when I was done I jump down and I turned around so’s I could look in the toilet and see how big the poop was and then I saw it and it was really, really, really big and I looked at it and went WWOOOOOOOWW really loud………and my gum fell in the toilet.”

Gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turn white, she exclaimed (quit loudly) “Do NOT put ANYTHING from the TOILET into your MOUTH!”

I got yelled at.

I gave him the gum.

Like I knew he was gonna try and dig his gum out of a colossal poo he took in the potty.

Morning Boredom and Mindless Crap

2008-07-30T08:14:00.016-04:00

I was visiting Megan's site and ran across a quiz to determine which Star Trek character you are. As just about everyone in the office is on vacation this week, I had a free moment to "fill in the blanks". Go on, have fun, see if you're the red shirt of the day.

Here's mine:

Your results: You are Jean-Luc Picard
A lover of Shakespeare and other fine literature. You have a decisive mind and a firm hand in dealing with others.

I know, y'all could've gone all day without knowing I was destined to be your captain but what the hell.

I'll be back later - after I've caught up on my real work - to post something you actually don't mind wasting your time reading. Off you go now, grab a seat and prepare for warp speed.

Which Star Trek Character Are You?

Post Scriptum

(Not only do I look hot bald, but it seems I’m a bit of a dominatrix.)

Secret Boyfriend Number 43

2008-07-29T14:07:00.005-04:00

I’m bringing these to my office as they’re taking up too much room at the house.

Any suggestions where I should put them or do you need pictures of my office?

Toora, Loora, Loora

2008-07-28T11:21:00.007-04:00

I think the Florida State University College of Engineering has combined forces with their School of Chemistry and released into the air an experimental biological warhead containing spores which induce narcoleptic-like symptoms in all living forms.

This weekend was spent fighting the need, no the physical necessity for sleep not only by me but almost every human being I spoke with. I took a nap Saturday morning….MORNING…before lunchtime for crying out loud. When I spoke to my mother, my ex-MIL, and my best friend all three of them had napped Saturday as well. It affected the young and old alike.

Even Spawnette, who usually slithers to her Moravian sarcophagus just as dawn is breaking, had succumbed to a comatose slumber by seven thirty last night; the dog right there at her side.

If the trend continues, I’ve considered purchasing the new and improved SGE 400 complete with the Drager 40mm NBC Filter. I have five days to get my work at the office caught up with nothing sitting on my desk. The Spawn and I are leaving for a weeks vacation and I want nothing…..you hear me NOTHING standing in the way of a totally and completely irrelevant and meaningless vacation. A vacation spent drinking beer by the poolside and reminiscing with my girl Kat about all of the trouble she caused during our years in high school.

Crap, you already read yesterday’s post, didn’t you? I like to pretend I was a sweet, kind, and caring young lady back in my teen years. Can you guys play along with me, please?

I haven’t yet figured out what has been causing the need to sleep. I have hypotheses other than airborne pathogens expelled into the air with malicious intent to infect the good people of Tallahassee with experimental bioweaponry but I’m going with my first suggested explanation for now.

Sleep well, my Brethren, and dream of peace.

Sibling Harmony

2008-07-27T13:09:00.011-04:00

I’ve been quite busy this past week so I am hoping to spend the day catching up on blogs I haven’t been able to read lately. I didn’t have a chance to write anything this morning but with a stroke of luck, a shortage of never-ending thunderstorms, and no unexpected trips the ER, I’ll get some free time later to actually write a story and not just copy what I posted on my photo blog.

I haven’t really taken the time to introduce you to either of my siblings. Let me take a moment to present my little brother. In our younger years, older sister and I would take turns tormenting him by convincing him the things we asked him to do were actually cool, not gross or dangerous. There was the naked run around the block right as the garden club was leaving the church, the trip down the laundry shoot to determine the strength of the clothes “cage” at the bottom, and the drinking of pee to establish his chance of survival should he ever become ship wrecked on a deserted island.

I don’t think it was our treatment of him left too many lasting scars on his perception of life as we know it, just a little one here and there. (Okay, my sister will burst a vein when she reads this and I don’t admit that…maybe….most of these things were my idea)

This is Finnie:

Isn’t he handsome?

This is Finnie enjoying a day of family fun:

Isn’t he athletic?

This is some of the equipment used to measure his athleticism:

Isn’t that nice?

I swear it's ALL my sister's fault he turned out this way - she's a cruel, cruel, soul.

Okay, so maybe not but she's far enough away that I can blame it all on her.

Love ya!
Mean it!

Nocturnal Hydrosis And Vasomotor Symptoms

2008-07-25T13:20:00.007-04:00

I don’t know but I think I had my very first hot flash. I can’t figure out if it was an “official” hot flash as I have no one in the family to ask. Neither my mother nor my grandmother ever went through menopause; they just kinda got old. My sister is two years older than me but she has yet to experience the joys of the “normal” symptoms involved. I’m okay with menopause. I don’t need my ovaries any more. No really, I’m well past the need to reproduce and if I feel the need to hold a babe in my arms, I’ll get another puppy. (Wonder if “Tiger” will be a PETCO again this Saturday.) I guess at my age a hot flash would qualify as early menopause but hey….no more periods? I’m cool with that, too!

Has anyone ever experienced a hot flash? Was it because of menopause? Here’s how my flash went down: Merlee Odell, Spawnette, and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie last weekend. All of the sudden this wave of extreme heat washed over my body. I began to sweat profusely from beneath my boobs and under my ass. I jumped off the couch and knocked the air conditioning down to 62º below zero and turned a box fan on to circulate the snowflakes gently falling from the ceiling vents. Merlee and Spawnette both grabbed blankets and thermal socks while I shoved each to the furthest ends of the couch. It didn’t come on quickly and diminish after a brief time; this lasted all night long. I didn’t sweat like an anabolically enhanced female Russian body builder,

I just got hot.

By the morning - *poof* - all was better. I can’t figure out if it was result of an actual hot flash or if it was due to the fact I had squeezed myself into the 4.73 inch spot left on the couch. The spot nobody ever wants because you’re sandwiched between two 98 degree bodies with no wiggle room. I don’t know what it was but let me tell you people, for once in my life, I was HOT!

Merlee Odell Goes Shopping

2008-07-24T13:23:00.008-04:00

This past weekend Merlee Odell had a date. Yup, my girl was venturing out into the scary world of dating after divorce. She hadn’t been on a date for probably twenty-five years so in order to best prepare herself for this frightening adventure she figured a bit of retail therapy was in order. She asked if I would be willing to assist her in shopping for a new outfit for the date. Me. ME!!! I’m like the WMD of fashion. A Waredrobe Malfunction Disaster waiting to happen. I shop in the boys section of Target because the cargo shorts not only fit better but they’re cheaper than those in the woman’s section. If I could, I would wear my navy blue Van’s or sandals with every outfit I own. I think a baseball cap with my hair pulled through the closure at the back is equivalent to an elegant chignon or French twist. And my girl wants me to go shopping with her. I do have an eye for color so what the hell, I said I'd go with her.

Friday night Merlee comes to the house with a twelve pack of beer, an over-night bag, and her best pair of pajamas. To set the mood for shopping, we had a girl’s night filled with beer, snacks, chick flicks, and lots of laughter. Merlee and I didn’t stay up as late as Spawnette because we knew we’d need our strength for the shopping excursion planned for the morning. After watching Under The Tuscan Sun, Merlee and I hit the sheets. I shared my bed with a cover-stealing cuddler. Okay…….I’m a cuddler too but for those that were going to ask, no, we didn’t take pictures.

I arose at 6:30 a.m., started a pot of coffee, walked through the house to Purgatory (that’s where Spawn and Spawnette reside) to awaken Spawnette and get her ready for a morning of golf with the guys. I reached down and gently brush her arm and she whips around, stares me unblinkingly in the eyes and says – I’m not kidding here – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?! I returned to the kitchen and made sure the coffee was ready because it seemed she was going to need a jumbo cup of Seattle’s Best.

After shoving her out the door and into her father’s care, Merlee and I refilled our cups, sat on the back porch and planned out our day. Kohl’s followed by Governor’s Square Mall, Marshall’s, and PETCO (Merlee was not looking for an outfit there; I was babysitting my neighbor’s pets and ran out of food for the moulting canary.)

For those that love shopping I’m sure it sounds like the perfect day for you. I’m not one of those individuals. Remember how I make it through holiday shopping?

Lucky for us, our first stop, though long, was a great success! Merlee found a lovely blouse, I found some great halter top dresses, and we got out of there before dark. Here's Merlee grabbing some things to try on at Kohl's:

OH!!! And this is the spider we saw crawling up the wall of the store right above the jewelry. That bastard was literally the size of my face!!! We decided to forgo the jewelry for shoes.

We hit Marshall’s “just in case” and I lucked across a fabulous coverlet for my bed. Hi, my name is Marnie and I’m a bedding whore; Hi Marnie! Crossing the street we parked at PETCO for a quick “run in and grab what you need” stop. This is where I ran into difficulties. As most of you have experienced, PETCO, PetSmart, and most retail pet supply stores have adoption booths set up on Saturdays. We, of course, were shopping on a Saturday. The booth at PETCO was set up RIGHT inside the front door so this is what I walked in to:

After sitting on the floor of the store for thirty minutes with that gorgeous guy named Tiger in my lap I quickly grabbed the bird food I originally came for and RAN from the store. I. Was. This. Close. To. Adopting. A. Puppy.

Merlee and I vaulted into the SUV and I drove us back to the house in twenty-seven seconds flat. She grabbed her duffle and headed for home so that she could nap and SSS before her date. I guess the date went well because the guy called her back and asked her out again.

She’s much braver than I. I’ve given up the dating scene but DAMN that guy “Tiger” from PETCO was cute; I may have to see if he’s still available and wants to come home with me.

I’m such a slut.

All They Found Was The Camera

2008-07-24T08:34:00.005-04:00

I know, I've been remiss, I'm hoping to post later this afternnon BUT to entertain you for a moment, I've left a cool video for your veiwing pleasure.

See you guys in two and two.

I Love It When A Hot Guy Knows CPR and I'm Choking To Death

2008-07-16T10:16:00.008-04:00

Sitting in my office this morning with a hot, young guy discussing an upcoming conference in Orlando for the State Medical Response Team we are both members of, I asked Mr. Hottie to hold tight before leaving as I wanted to introduce him to someone.

“Ben-Honey (I call him this because not only is he a cutie-patootie, he’s just so damn sweet, too), I’d like you to meet V.Ice. He’s been having an extremely exciting summer. He’s currently taking some much deserved R and R while deployed in the Middle East, but I know he won’t mind taking a minute to say ‘S’up?!?!’ Ben, this is V.Ice; V.Ice, this is Ben.”

I then proceeded to literally start choking as I inhaled the sip of coffee I had just taken at the same time I started to read.

Thank God Ben knows CPR.

Thank you sweet baby Jesus that Ben is hot.

Thank you moì-même for brushing your teeth.

But most of all, thank you Alice for the best laugh I’ve had all week.

This medal is presented to you for your bravery and fearlessness in this war against humanity. This war of ennui. For this I am eternally grateful.

A-men.

Dammit Big Daddy

2008-07-15T14:44:00.012-04:00

My neighbor is out of town for a couple of weeks. I get up at 5:30 every morning to go over and let her dogs out, feed them, let them get a bit of exercise and then go home for a either a shower or a cup of coffee and a little relaxation, depending on whether it’s a weekday or the weekend. Saturday morning after finishing off a pot of coffee and a book, I thought I’d head back over to my neighbor’s house to let the dogs run a bit more. As Spawn was up and waiting for his Big Daddy to come and pick him up, he graciously joined me on my excursion through the azalea bushes that line the property between myself and my neighbor. We let the dogs out and after quite a bit of prodding, were finally able to un-Velcro the Doberman from the left side of my son’s pants. (The neighbor’s Doberman thinks the sun rises and sets on Spawn.)

As the dogs frolicked around the live oak trees and barked at the chattering squirrels, I heard Big Daddy honk the horn of his truck. Spawn and I walked together through the neighbor’s house so that I could hug him goodbye and watch him leave to spend a day with is grandfather. As Big Daddy is pulled away from my house I noticed that he had pulled off of the street and into my yard a bit. Well, more than a bit, actually. In fact, he had pulled so far into my yard that as he slowly started to drive away I could see from the Florida room of the house next door that his truck had hit some sort of hole in the yard. A hole? I don’t have a hole in my yard. Then it hit me; mother ƒü¢k!!! The man had done it again! This is the third time he’d done it; two times in less than a year. Big Daddy had proceeded to drive over my water main and burst a pipe.

I quickly locked up the neighbor’s dogs, dashed from her house, exploded through the azaleas, and threw myself on the ground by the water meter. I grabbed the metal lid, tossed it to the side, and sunk my arm into the dark sludge that had gurgled to the surface around the shut-off valve. I quickly turned the water off destroying the mini-geyser that had sprung forth from a water pipe that had been severed in half. Sitting back on my haunches I wonder how long I am going to be without water as this is a small Southern town on a Saturday morning. Will I even be able to get in touch with the city utilities office to report an emergency? Thank you sweet baby Jesus I had already brewed another pot of coffee or people would have started disappearing off the face of the earth never to be heard from again.

I was lucky enough to get in touch with a live human being and would you believe that a representative of Tallahassee Utilities was at my house no more than twenty minutes later? He got out of his truck, looked into this,

and proceeded to tell me I needed to call a plumber because the pipe that was severed was 2.1678 mm past the shut off valve so it was my responsibility to pay to have it fixed, not the city. Who the hell issued THAT f’ing measuring tape?!?! Before he was even able to straighten up, get into his work truck and drive out of my life forever, a representative of Lance Maxwell Plumbing pull into my driveway. As the plumber got out of his work truck I hollered over to him, “Jim call you?”

“Yup,” he replied. “Told me to come on over without calling because he ran over your water main……..again.” He states with a laugh.

This is Will.

He was the plumber that showed up at my house courtesy of Big Daddy, the General Contractor. I know Will. I went to college with Will’s brother, Roger. Roger and I are friends. Can you tell Roger owns three tattoo shops around town? (I have a big thing for guys with ink.) Will is the BOMB!

Will had the severed pipe finished in next to no time BUT when he was through replacing that pipe, he points down into the depths of sludge and says. “See that drip? That’s from the base of the shut-off valve. You’ll need to call the city back and have them send another guy out here to fix that before you turn your water back on.”

“That’s awesome, Will, thanks.”

He giggled.

I went back into the house, called the city utilities office, and again requested an emergency service repair to my water shut-off valve.”

To make a long story short (or maybe not as I’ve already taken way too much time to tell you a crappy story) I had one plumber, two city water guys, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree spend the day with me Saturday.

At least I had my coffee.

Southern Hospitality

2008-07-11T08:24:00.007-04:00

So as many of you know I recently began taking public transportation to save a bit of money due to high gas costs (I drive a rather large SUV.) This morning I waited at the stop as usual, the bus was a few minutes late, and as I got on board Suavé Dave the driver told me to go ahead and sit down, the ride was on him. Thanks Dave, but I’m still not going out with you. Most of the riders are regulars and as Southerners we tend to chitchat with each other getting to know one another on a more personal basis than most public transportation patrons. Ms. Hilda has been riding the bus since the invention of the wheel so pretty much everyone knows her. She is a very kind woman who I help off the bus each morning as she uses a cane and needs her extra hand to disembark.

Today was a special day. When we arrived at the downtown terminal all transfers exited the bus as usual. Suddenly, another driver boarded the bus with a bouquet of flowers and a balloon. Why you ask? Today is Ms. Hilda’s birthday so in an off-key chorus of mismatched voices we all sang Happy Birthday to Ms. Hilda and wished her a most fabulous day.

I know, is this some crazy shit or what?!?! Flowers, balloons, birthday celebration, ON A CITY BUS! Knowing how skeptical of my silly stories a few of you can be, I had a picture taken with my phone to share this joyous occasion.

Happy Birthday Ms. Hilda!