Dial Zero For The Operator

For those of you that know me, I’m a fairly anal-retentive person that has little rituals, habits, and schedules that I follow on a daily basis. For example, every morning I wake up to my alarm clock SCREAMING for me to hit the snooze button. After an additional nine minutes of sleep I crawl out of bed, drag myself to the coffee pot, and hook up my morning IV. I then make a cup of coffee for Spawnette and head to the other side of the house. I awaken Spawn, who fixes his own breakfast, then creep into Spawnette’s room to leave her cup of coffee and awaken the dead….there’s more BUT you get the idea that this is a habit that I follow each and every day.

Last night I forgot to set the alarm clock. I can’t remember the last time I forgot to set the alarm clock. Sometimes I even set the alarm clock on my days off. WHO DOES THAT???

Me.

So this morning as I rolled over to see how many more nanoseconds of sleep I had left I read the clock and shot straight up realizing it was already 40 minutes past the time I should have arisen. I knew I wasn’t going to make it to work on time so I grabbed my phone so that I can call a co-worker and inform her I wasn’t going to be sitting prettily in my ergonomic office chair at 7:30 a.m. and ask that she please indicate on the dry-erase board I was going to be a few minutes late.

Now before I continue with my story, grab your cell phone, okay?

Got it?

Cool. Here’s my phone pictured below:

I love my phone, it TOTALLY kicks ass!

I proceed to dial the main number to the office and wait for the electronic message indicating I could dial my party’s extension or press “1” to dial by name. I don’t call my co-workers on the phone. When I need to speak to someone in the office I either holler out the door or I walk to their office for a little chit-chat. I don’t know “my party’s extension” so I hit “1” so that I may start dialing by name.

Here’s is where my dilemma came to fruition; answer me this, what’s your last name? Look at your phone and pretend you were prompted to dial an extension by typing your last name. I’ll use my last name as an example…..glace at the picture above and dial the name “FLANIGAN”.

People, the last name I was dialing did NOT correspond with the telephonic number keypad!!!! I couldn’t remember what letter coincided with what number! I’m frantically running around the house trying to find the landline telephone so that I can look at it while I try and dial my party’s last name. I’m typing letters and numbers until the face of my phone screen is totally and completely full. All of the sudden I hear a voice.

It’s calling out to me.

It’s faint but I hear it.

It’s asking……if it can help me.

Where the hell is this voice coming from?!?!?

I lift the phone to my ear and there she is – the “0” operator.

“OhmygoshI’msosorryIwasdialinginyourearmyphonehasakeyboardinsteadofjustnumbersandIcouldn’trememberwhichnumberwentwithwhatletterandIpanicedandjuststartedpressinglettersandnumbersandI’msosorryIwasdialingsolonginyourear.” I exclaim into the phone.

“Can I help you?”

“Yes please, will be kind enough to connect me to ‘the lady in my office that has the same birthday as me?’” I humbly ask.

“Her extension is 3812; please hold while I connect you.”




……as soon as I got to the office this morning I walk to the other side of the building so that I could apologize to the very nice young lady that had the misfortune of being the first operator in the office today.

She was very understanding – as soon as she saw how blonde and old I am.

I Suck

Things to do today...

Make these:


Look like this:



What they look like right at this very moment:





All together now……Queen Goob SUCKS!

In a pissy mood because we got these shelving units to organize the garage but the instructions were long gone on how to get the damn things together. Now I know, it doesn't look difficult but in order for the damn things to be seven feet tall you have to put two shorter legs together and the little doobie hickies that are supposed to go into the little holes aren't long enough to hook together. Did you guys get that? I have deficient knobbie thingies.....UGH!!! Think if I pound the dad-gum things with my really big rubber mallet it would work?

It sucks trying to be self-sufficient, ya know? I'm off to find The King to get him to help me with this project as well as the twenty-six page Honey Do list I gave him when he move down two months ago.

I love my man.......

I Work With A Bunch of Clowns

Meetings, meetings, meetings. If they’d just let us go do our work without having to discuss it with a room full of clowns I bet we could get our work done on time!

So the boss walks in loaded for bear

followed by the lead developer who OBVIOUSLY knows how to program the only way known to man.

Also included are the business analyst,

her protégé,

and two guys from applications and development.

Sitting across from me I’m thrilled to see the office jokester

until a young gun walks into the meeting room and states……“I hear ya got an Appalachian you need to kill.”

“No, Funny Man, but could you kill the application?” I sweetly reply.

Black Dog Syndrome

WAIT! Before you guys start pounding and slamming me about not blogging here in the past month or two, I need to speak up on my own behalf…..because no one else will. Work has been a total and complete nightmare. Okay, not as bad as IV but bad nonetheless. That dude’s work life S-U-C-K-S!

I work in a government IT department and we are currently preparing for three….count them three new applications that will be going live in two and a half months. What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, no one up until now has decided how they want these systems to work. No big deal you think? Imagine yourself going to, say, a website and every time you need to click on a button for more information or a link or a picture or an order form or whatever, imagine that link not working. You click and nothing happens. Each one of these pages has a gazillion options available to you and no one…NO ONE has decided how they are going to work. Not only that, the current systems (of which there are three) have to be “killed off”. That means they will no longer will be available for use. This means training employees to use the new systems. This means informing employees they will receive training for the new systems. OH WAIT! This means the development of training for employee training. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GUYS HAVEN’T GOTTEN STARTED ON THIS YET!!!

So, needless to say I have had early mornings and late nights FILLED with idiots and morons.

I love government work! YES!

I feel like one of those black dogs people have been talking about lately. This leads to my intro into…

The kids and I have been discussing the adoption of another dog to keep our “Pooper” company.

Of course none of us agree on what breed of dog we want; I want an Irish Wolfhound, Spawn wants a boxer, and Spawnette wants something she can carry around and bling-out (that is SO not happenin’.)

Anywho, in doing a bit of research because that what we mommies do, I ran across information about a phenomenon called “Black Dog Syndrome”. Has anyone ever heard of this? My brother mentioned it years ago but I had totally forgotten about it. It’s so prevalent that some local animal shelters even advertise it in order to inform the public.

I’m not one to stand on a really talk soapbox but one less “dead dog walking” is awesome in my book.

I think the effort to educate the public is great. So great, in fact, that I’ve included not only stories from reliable sources but links for those of you that have recently considered bringing into their homes a new member of the family.

Articles of Interest:
Time
MSNBC

Resource for available dogs near you!

Thanks for listening, I'll get down off my cardboard box now and get back to work.

All I Need Are Some Tasty Waves, A Cool Buzz, And I'm Fine.

Most mornings I arrive at work promptly at 7:30; this morning was an exception. I arose as usual at 5:45 to the persistent buzzing of my alarm clock. I soared out of bed, slapped the alarm clock to activate the snooze, crawled back under the covers and proceeded to dream about that really cool traffic map in the right-hand column of my blog (please don’t ask; I have no idea.) The following conversation took place this morning at approximately 7:21:

*ring*

*ring*

Boss: Good Morning, this is (insert boss’s name here), how can I help you?

Me: Hey it’s Marn. I’m running late, I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Boss: What’s wrong with the bus? (Isn’t he a funny guy…..)

Me: Dude, I totally slept through my alarm.

Boss: *hardy laughter* ‘Kay, see you soon.



Dude????

Totally????

What am I, the reincarnate of Spacoli? My boss is now Mr. Hand? What the hell came out of my mouth?!?!?


Thank goodness they deliver pizza to my complex; it looks like it’s gonna be one of those days.


Dude?

*sheesh*

Believe it or not, I pulled into the parking lot at 8:01. My hair may have been wet but I made it in record time.

Any Questions?

I was complaining, and none to quietly, about having to go to meetings where nothing is accomplished because everyone has their own idea of work-environment utopia. (My idea of a work-environment utopia does not involve, well, it doesn’t involve a whole lot of things at all, thank you very much. We’ll discuss Cocoa my pool boy at another time.) Have you notice that those tremendously mind-numbing meetings inevitably end with: “Are there any questions?” Well yes, Frank, you ball-bashing hypocritical hater of women smarter than your third-grade prodigal son, I DO have a question or two.

What exactly is the gestation period of the Tibetan Yak?

If I yell at my kids and neither one listens, did that bear shit in the woods?

How does one “knick knack patty wack” before giving a dog their bone?

Do you give your dog a bone, Frank?

Frank, when did you know your wife was entering menopause and does that bruise on the side of your face, the one that has the approximate circumference of a cast iron skillet, yeah that one? Does it hurt if I touch it like..this?

Has your boss found out you like to wear ladies clothing when you’re not here at the office?

What should I ask the Home Depot guy for when I go to purchase something to fix my mother’s kitchen floor? She wanted us to move her fridge so that she could clean under it before her new one arrived tomorrow so the delivery guy wouldn’t see how dirty it was underneath her old one. She told my kids to just “pull it out, there’s wheels on it” and they tore up her floor. What should I get to fix it?

Did you return that call to your doctor? He said your STD test results were back and he REALLY needed to talk to you.

Is that your wife leaving on the arm of the CIO? She looks good; she lose some weight? She seems happy!

When I hold up these three fingers and you read between the lines, what do you see?

Yes, Frank, I have a couple of questions.

You Wanna WHAT??? NOW?!?!?

CRAP!

I finally have things to talk about other than men in kilts and my dog and WHAT HAPPENS? Meetings! I hate meetings! They take up way too much of my time and for what? Nothing! Nothing ever gets accomplished in a room of people that all have their own opinions, their own idea of what should be done and how to do it. Heck, we all know when they get back to their office they’re gonna do whatever they want to anyway. Stop with the meetings, already; I got things to blog about and you’re wasting my time! I should be in my office with the door closed blogging up a storm but nooooooo, YOU SCHEDULED A MEETING!

A Hard Day's Work

Why is it, I frequently ask myself, that I complain about the attitudes of my children, the cantankerous moods of my mother, and the vast distance between myself and my man but I fail to see the treacherous nature of working on the outskirts of town here in Tallahassee, Florida. Treacherous??? You ask. Why yes, treacherous. Aside from the tornadoes, hurricanes, and wildfires we deal with on a regular basis, we have the local wildlife to deal with, as well. You all know I am slowly but surely killing myself through the imbibing of cigarettes. (I’m cutting back with the hopes of quitting but we’ll save that for another bitch session.) However, should I take the following examples as God’s way of saying “QUIT NOW OR ELSE!”?

Example One:

This is the door I enter and leave my office building.
This is the alligator that was blocking the door I enter and leave the office building.

I hear you God.

Example Two:

This is the door I enter and leave my office building. These are the geese across the street from the door I enter and leave the office building.

This is a different angle of the door I enter and leave my office building.
Those are geese across the street from the door I enter and leave my office building.
Those geese WERE here:

I hear you God.

After briefly contemplating the two examples, I’ve come to the conclusion the alligator wasn’t so bad.

Those geese are SCARY!!!!

Outside My Office Window

The weather is bad this afternoon so I won't be on long.
Here's what it looks like outside my office window: