This Is Me With Short Hair and A Penis

Would you believe I got sick on Friday and spent the weekend on my ass or wollerin’ on the couch……..or both if you want to get technical.

We did not go to Tampa, we did not pillage the city, and we did not grab some booty (much to The King's chagrin.)

Still recouping and will most likely spend the evening whoring myself over HGTV’s fabulous ideas for remodeling my home.

"Oid" Words Suck

Oh my goiter, I am such a goob. Yesterday morning I awoke to a bit of a pain in my back due to sleeping kinda wacky-wacky all over King Dork (we’re both cuddlers). To escape the blinding, excruciating pain in the “twist and sit up” move it takes each morning to get out of bed, I rolled around and sat up stiff backed to compensate for the back ache.

Oh my goiter, I am such a goob. In performing the breath-taking stiff-backed avoid the back pain body-lift, I wretched a muscle in my neck. An inch or two behind my ear, down the left side of my neck and not stopping until that muscle runs into the clavicle. That mother f***ing muscle called the sternocleidomastoid.

Sternocleidomastoid. Let’s take a look at this word and break it down to see exactly what type of pain I’m talking about.

STERNO = fire
CLEIDOMAST = large horse stomping en “mas” which directly controls the weight bearing down on said muscle.
OID = Do I need to explain that every word I could come up with that ended in “oid” truly, TRULY sucks. i.e. hemorrhoid, humanoid, rhomboid (I hated geometry), android (they’re really spooky, like stuffed clown spooky), factoid – wait, I like that word so scratch it from the list – you get my drift, “oid” words suck.

So here I sit in my ergonomically designed office chair with my keyboard at a 90º angle for maximum comfort and still I suffer in silence.

Okay, so maybe not total and complete silence but I’m trying.

I brought with me today copious provisions in an attempt to keep the “owies” at bay. Here we have Myoflex, Dolgit Crème, IcyHot, a store brand equivalent of extra strength Tylenol, Aleve, and a “heat it in the microwave” lavender rice bag. For all of my suggestions to blogosphere friends, I do not take a lot of prescription drugs. I have no pain killers, no muscle relaxers, no pills, shots, or snake oils of any kind. May I take this moment to let you know this morning, my second morning of dealing with the pulled-muscle-it-really-hurts-neck pain, I would have had no problems whatsoever of turning in to a prescription drug addict? I would have gladly horked back a few Vicodin and chased them with a shot of tequila followed closely by a couple of Percocet, Skelaxin, Darvocet, and for a good night’s sleep a small dose of Amobarbital.

Oh my goiter, I am such a douche bag…if it weren’t for the horrendously frightening side effects and reactions I have had to any and every prescription pain killer I ever allowed past my lips I think I would at this moment be laying prone on the floor of my office, my head resting comfortably upon the hideously ugly carpeting and drooling out of the right side of my mouth.

Let’s hope that damn lavender rice bag works.

UPDATE:

Neck doing MUCH better thanks for your thoughts and well wishes!

Tropical Storm Update

If you read yesterday's post you're one of thirteen that know I was activated last night and on the job by 06:00 this morning. Activated for what? Good question as we were asking the same thing.

There was worry of a hurricane hitting The Keys and heading straight up the state of Florida. Monroe County (where The Keys are) had some evacuations, shelters were assembled for those that had nowhere else to go, and logistic staging areas were set up to assist in getting things where they needed to be (water, ice, meds, oxygen, etc.) Too bad they didn't ship me out to one of the LSA's as that's where the military guys are. HOOYAH!

So as I had meteorizationalized yesterday, we didn't have a hurricane, we had a thunderstorm. Yes the weather is still bad over the lower-half of the state but the peninsula called Florida is not going to fall into the depths of the Atlantic or the Gulf of Mexico. We may have a flood or two but no one will be washed away never to be heard from again....we hope.

I know one or two of you are wondering what exactly it is I do. Well, to put it in layman’s terms I sit in a big room, receive missions that have been assigned to our group (which is responsible for “health stuff” i.e. water, ice, oxygen, portable toilets, sanitation stations, special needs shelters for displaced hospitals, etc.) telling us who needs what, when, where, and why. I then get on the horn, order “stuff”, and finally make sure the “stuff” gets delivered.

Look, there’s me helping to supervise the minions:

Wow, how exciting is that, folks??? BUT, I can also have the ability to tell my family and friends where it’s safe to be in the event of a disaster, how to get there via roads that have not been closed, and where to go in the event of an evacuation. Yeah, that’s kinda cool.

So it boils down to no deployment for me this storm; I’ll be staying right here in good old Tallahassee. Tomorrow will be another twelve hour day BUT I’ll be saving all the old people and telling them where to go.

And in my own special way, too.

I'll be catching up with all of my blogging friends as soon as I'm back to normal hours. Stay safe!

Nocturnal Hydrosis And Vasomotor Symptoms

I don’t know but I think I had my very first hot flash. I can’t figure out if it was an “official” hot flash as I have no one in the family to ask. Neither my mother nor my grandmother ever went through menopause; they just kinda got old. My sister is two years older than me but she has yet to experience the joys of the “normal” symptoms involved. I’m okay with menopause. I don’t need my ovaries any more. No really, I’m well past the need to reproduce and if I feel the need to hold a babe in my arms, I’ll get another puppy. (Wonder if “Tiger” will be a PETCO again this Saturday.) I guess at my age a hot flash would qualify as early menopause but hey….no more periods? I’m cool with that, too!

Has anyone ever experienced a hot flash? Was it because of menopause? Here’s how my flash went down: Merlee Odell, Spawnette, and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie last weekend. All of the sudden this wave of extreme heat washed over my body. I began to sweat profusely from beneath my boobs and under my ass. I jumped off the couch and knocked the air conditioning down to 62º below zero and turned a box fan on to circulate the snowflakes gently falling from the ceiling vents. Merlee and Spawnette both grabbed blankets and thermal socks while I shoved each to the furthest ends of the couch. It didn’t come on quickly and diminish after a brief time; this lasted all night long. I didn’t sweat like an anabolically enhanced female Russian body builder,

I just got hot.

By the morning - *poof* - all was better. I can’t figure out if it was result of an actual hot flash or if it was due to the fact I had squeezed myself into the 4.73 inch spot left on the couch. The spot nobody ever wants because you’re sandwiched between two 98 degree bodies with no wiggle room. I don’t know what it was but let me tell you people, for once in my life, I was HOT!