All By Myself

Wow, coming back here is like peering into another dimension. It’s been so long since I‘ve blogged that my ironicism, a skill once honed and crafted to perfection, has become lackadaisical and flaccid. (I love that word. I think I will try and use the word “flaccid” no less than three times a day this week. The King may be pissed by tomorrow afternoon BUT what’s a girl to do.)

Nothing extraordinary has taken place since 2001 so I’ll skip the update since last I was here. I figure that all of the other bloggers I came to know and love have flown the coup and moved on to bigger and better things so from here on out – I’ll pretty much be writing for myself. Good thing I crack my ass up!

I won’t be here every day because I don’t have the time and effort it takes to come up with something as creative as I expect of myself. I’ll be rambling about nonsensical things that only a mind as warped as my own will be able to understand AND if you’re lucky post a picture here and there.

So there it is folks, let’s se how long I can keep this up. Wish me luck, cross your fingers, and make a wish on a star.

Sláinte!!!!

Sometimes It's Good To Be Queen

I know…..I’m a bad girl for being gone so long but it has been a crazy couple of weeks. As you all know, King Dork has finally and “officially” moved from Ohio down to the armpit of Florida. He’s not as close to his kids as he would like BUT there is year-round golf so he’s adjusting. Speaking of his kids, his youngest son leaves Saturday for a year-long tour in Iraq so keep him and all of the soldiers over there in your prayers.

So we brought The King’s stuff back to the homestead the weekend of Thanksgiving. As we didn’t get in until very late that night due to holiday traffic, we waited until Monday morning to unload the U-Haul trailer and the SUV. The two combined held a lot.

I’m talking so much that the garage is overflowing onto the back porch and there are additional boxes in the Florida room and dining room.

STILL.

packing it up to bring to Florida

stuff that didn't make it to Florida but instead got "stored" at the farm


I’m freaking out because I don’t know where to put all of this stuff, my Christmas decorations did not make it up, I have no tree, and this is my favorite season on the year as far a decorating. UGH!!! Big cry jig Sunday and onto the “fuck it” stage. This is the stage in the game where I pretty much don’t give one or two shits whether or not I put up a tree, hang a stocking or two, or string my flying light-up flamingos from the pines in the front yard.

yes this is really my house.....

This is a quiet stage, a stage of acceptance, a stage that reminds me there will be no week-long packing up of decorations after the holiday season is over. A stage of many a beer and contemplation of many more beers.

And now onto THIS weekend. As most of you know, my son plays high school football. He plays on a 1A team that has made it through the playoffs and is headed to the Citrus Bowl for the State Championship game tomorrow night. This is the teams’ third year in a row making it to State Champs; we’re hoping for a win this year. My son is a junior but has started in all three State Championship games and is finally hopeful they will go all the way.

This is MY “Z”

coming in for the kill

The fun part will be staying at my sister’s for the weekend. I see in my future quite a few toddies consumed as I sit on the floor admiring HER Christmas tree.

Admiring her tree…..sounds like I need a beer this evening to prepare for the beer tomorrow that I will be drinking as I sit under a tree that is shedding needles on someone else’s floor, that someone else is forgetting to water, and that someone else knows before this holiday is over the dog is going to run through the house and slam into the tree knocking it down and leaving shards of broken glass all over the floor that the kids will step right through or over because they don’t have it in them to grab the broom and sweep it up themselves.

Ya know.....sometimes it’s good to be Queen.

Missed Me, Missed Me, Now Ya Gotta Kiss Me!

So I bet the past two weeks with no word from the Marnster has driven all of my regular readers away in disgust. Bitch ain’t got’s the time fer us we outta here. Well let’s see, things to get you guys caught up on:

· Workin’ the Storms

· Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Bootie’s Surgery

· Sister Sister in Town to Cover My Ass

· Reconciliation With My Man

· Spawn’s Football

· Insurance Coverage for Teenage Boy

· I Love Football

Okay, that about covers the first ten days since I was last here; get the picture of how hectic my life was sans the football? Because come on, everyone has to have a vise or thirteen.

Workin’ the Storms

It sucked. I worked anywhere from twelve to fifteen hours a day. And remember, State Emergency Response covers the entire State of Florida. They get a thunderstorm over Key West and yes, it’s us to the rescue. And can you say it’s been Africa Hot? She’s been spittin’ out storms like a toothless old man with over active mucous membranes standing on the front porch hockin’ loogies at the neighborhood hoodlums. We also offer assistance to neighboring states should they be impacted as well. Guess what? Next big storm they’re gonna deploy me to a staging area instead of “The War Room”. Okay, so that would be cool; I’m not complaining about that.

Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Bootie’s Surgery

Yes folks, I got pictures. If my mother sees this she will be SOOOOO pissed but then again, she has no internet and the only people I can think of that would tell her I posted a post-op picture of her in all of her glory would be my brother or my sister.

(Judy-Judy doing her impersonation of a morphine addict as my brother, Finnie, provides her with a chaser of vodka. Okay, okay, she'd just awakened from surgery and was thirsty. Note the snicker on my brother's face? Yeah, he spilled a bit of water onto Judy-Judy's boobies but she was still doped up so we didn't tell her.)

Judy-Judy’s surgery went well. She’s up and hobbling around with just a cane. However, for those of you that have never been a caregiver of any kind whatsoever, it’s a tough job. My mom wasn’t even sick and she drove me nuts. She’s lucky I love her as much as I do….and I love her BUNCHES…..but washing her hair for her while she was unable to take a shower proved that Shampoo Girl is not an optional career choice for me should I ever decide to get a new job. I soaked myself, my mother, and her friend Pat The Telephone Junkie in three minutes flat. Thank goodness she finally got her stitches out and can bathe herself.

I won’t tell you about her sponge bath; it even scared me.

Sister-Sister in Town to Cover My Ass

My sister arrived Monday night of this week to take over the care of my mother.

I. Love. My. Sister.



(Remarkable how much she resembles Angelina Jolie, isn’t it?)

Reconciliation With My Man

Way back in June, King Dork and I had a bit of a tiff and after three years of long distance relationship struggles, he called it quits. Nine hundred miles DOES tend to put a strain on a romantic relationship and no being able to see each other as often as we liked, irrational insecurities on both sides attacked our over-active imaginations and BAM…..disaster struck.

BUT, I really, really missed my snuggie-wugg’ms.

I caved.

I contacted him, told him I missed him, he missed me too, we talked about what goobers we both were and SHAZZAM….he showed up at my door for Labor Day weekend. Next week we’re meeting in Denver for the WVU/Colorado game. YEA!!!! Sex, football, beer, and no kids. Can you say “YESSSSSS”?

I’m so glad I called this big, bald, tattooed, lovable guy…..



....besides, he’s a Steelers fan so I have to keep him.

Spawn’s Football

Friday August 29th was my son’s first football game of the season. He is the starting left guard and guess what!

Hold on a minute, I’m a bit emotional and my eyes are tearing up; I can’t see to type.

Okay, thanks for being patient with my sentimental ass.

Spawn received his very first personal foul.

I KNOW!!!! He makes a mother proud. A kid from the opposing team said something derogatory so Spawn lifted him up by the front of his jersey and threw him to the ground. I’m in the stands hold up this sign:



I jump up yelling into the face of the guy sitting next to me DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!? THAT’S MY BOY!!! (Pointing proudly at my offspring)

Then I remembered he plays for a Christian school so I quickly sat back down.

I’d like to think the kid said something ugly about me so Spawn felt the need to kick his ass. He neither confirmed nor denied so leave me with my dream, will ya?

Insurance Coverage for Teenaged Spawn

Speaking of Spawn, I contacted my insurance guy to see how much my insurance would increase by allowing Spawn to finally get his regular driver’s license.

I would increase by 400%.

Spawn’s not getting his license any time soon.

I Love Football

Did anyone else cry at the beginning of football season because they were so glad to see it again? None of my family has ESPN because they’re all a bunch of cheap bastards so party at my house on any given game day.

I am a football whore. I really don’t have much to report on here and don’t ask me to recite stats or tell you where any given player is from (that’s Spawn’s job), just leave me alone if there’s a game on TV because I. Love. Football.

Just remember….if you’re coming over to watch a game, bring beer.


There you have it folks, a busy time was had by all. Sister Sister goes home on Sunday, I leave for Denver on Wednesday BUT I will do my best to come a visit all of my long lost friends this weekend and get caught up.

And by the way, I missed you guys, too!