Our Town Is Famous For....

This guy:

As The King was driving us home from work yesterday he rudely interrupted my phone call to Magillicutty when we happened upon this juic-i-licious specimen of a man at the intersection of St. Augustine and Magnolia. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this beautiful stranger’s lusciousness but each and every time one has the pleasure to gaze upon his splendific physique all rational thought just flies out the window.

At this point I could no longer respond to Magill (which was most likely not a problem as she had taken a couple Valium for a minor surgical procedure and was slurring her words like she’s just had fourteen fillings done and the Novocain hadn’t yet worn off), I could no longer grasp a coherent thought, I could no longer breathe or swallow for fear of taking down that little, tiny bit of vomit that had taken refuge in my mouth.

My mind drew a blank……where was my camera? Could I just hang up on Magill and use my phone to take pictures? What would my mother think if I invited him over for a Fourth of July picnic? SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH…... SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH......what would SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH do?!?!?!? I’ll tell you what SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH would have done, she would have so hug up on Magill, swung an illegal right-hand turn from the left-hand turn lane crossing in front of three car-filled lanes of traffic to boldly follow this dumpling of a guy and asking him to pose so her picture would most assuredly turn out perfect.

My - God - She’s - Good!

Me?

I just stayed on the phone and mocked my best friend by making shit up and her believing it because she was two sheets to the wind and high as a kite….besides, I knew I could share a video or two without having to utilize the warranty on my camera due to an exploding lens when it focused upon his ass’s gravitational force.

A Fiendly Game of Kickball

Yes, I'm still alive....lots going on; will get you caught up soon.

So we're currently planning another game of kickball to be played by family, friends, and loved ones. Our last game was such fun we've decided to try and make this a semi-regular gathering. Last game we had approximaitely 20 -25 people, one dog, and lots of beer.

Word has gotten out (Thanks to SIL!) and it looks like this game will be jam-packed with moms, dads, kids, dogs, friends, neighbors, and office cronies. In trying to determine exactly what to wear to such a prestigious gathering of individuals, I ran across THIS:

Dude, who wouldn't want to play a game of ZOMBIE KICKBALL?!?!?

Hospital Decorum

I received a call from my sister, “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her”, letting me know that Mom’s surgery went well and that they were in a recovery room awaiting to be moved to a hospital room for the duration of Mom’s stay. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH was bored and was wondering how soon it would be before I went to the hospital to sit with her in utter and total boredom because come on, who wants to be bored alone?

I changed out of my flamingo pajamas and into more appropriate clothing, grabbed my current Kylar Stern book, threw some snacks into my duffle bag posing as a purse, and headed out to the hospital just moments from my home. When I arrived I found that they had already moved Mom to her room so I wound my way up to the fifth floor and found where they had dumped her. As I walked in the room, I noticed the blank stare upon my sister’s face.

“DUDE!!!! What is up?” I whispered.

She swings around to face me and groans, “Oh. My. Lord….I am so glad you’re here! You have no idea how bored I am!”

I gently reminded her that I had been in that same pair of shoes just three months earlier so yes, I DID know how bored she was. The only difference, and it was a big one, was that I had to do it alone so SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH must owe me a six pack for my suffering. She relented because, well, because she’s nicer than I am.

As Mom was still asleep we thought it best to remain as quiet as we possibly could. This is not an easy thing when the two of us get together but we did our very best…for Mom. We pulled out our books and tried to read for about four minutes. We rearranged Mom’s bedside table for maximum usage so that she could grab what she needed after we left. We read for another three and a half minutes, twiddle our thumbs, squirmed in our seats, and finally realized this whole quiet thing was more difficult than anticipated. We looked around for things to amuse us and then there…right before our eyes…we – saw – this!

There it was, sitting prettily in my purse, my camera. I looked at SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she looked at me and both of us started to giggle. Now the two of us giggling in itself can cause a great deal of ruckus because I snort when I laugh really hard and her laugh is the antithesis of subtle.

First we had to make sure our giggling didn’t awaken Mom.

Whew cause quite frankly we were loud.

First I made her pose.

Then she made me pose.

(Anyone else notice that the hospital hung the picture above the bed upside down?)

I’m snorking, she’s sniggering, both of us making WAY too much noise.

“CRAP, did we wake her up?” I desperately try to whisper.

“OMG…….do you think she’s dead? Go poke her and see if she wakes up.”

“I’m not poking her YOU poke her.”

“No YOU poke her!”

“No YOU poke her!”

“I’m not poking her but I see her breathing so we’re still good….WHEW!” we both sigh in relief.

“HEY! I see you got a pedicure recently, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, that looks good? Who does your toes?”

“Leilie over at Joe’s place, didn’t she do a good job?”

“Wait, that one’s blurry, show me again,” I ask of her.

“Hooker red looks good on you!”

“I know,” she replies

More snickering and giggling….. and then she shh’s me! SHE SHH’S ME!

“SSHHHHH, you’re gonna wake her up!” She insists.

“SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she hasn’t moved in like forty-five minutes, I think we’re safe,” I grumble.

“Hey SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, you know how our teenaged daughters take pictures of themselves for Facebook? I’m gonna do a self portrait just for you, ‘kay?”

“SHIT!!! The flash is still on! I blinded myself! Holy Toledo, I really need to pluck my brows.”

SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH grabs the camera and tells me I’m a reject and that she can do better.

LOL – the flash is still on…..and she calls me a reject!

“Do it again! Do it again!” I appeal in the quietest voice I can manage.

SNAP

CLICK

“OOHHHHH, you’re good!” I tell her. “Here, let me! Let Me!” I insist.

“I turned the flash off! Crap!”

BAD

WORSE

“I’m not doing it right.”

By now we’re laughing so hard the nurses passing the room outside in the hallway are looking in to see what’s going on. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH and I are holding our noses while laughing so as not to make too much noise. This makes us spray spittle all over the place which makes us laugh harder.

“SSHHHHH!!!! She’s gonna wake up!!!” I inform my sister.

Not while she’s on morphine we won’t!

With stomachs hurting from laughing too hard we quietly….or NOT so quietly…put away the camera with the hopes of recovering our decorum.

But not for long!

"I Must Be Crazy To Be In A Loony Bin Like This." *

Heading to my mom's this afternoon to finish my last shift as Nurse Ratched. Plan on finishing up the photo compilation as promised so long as Mommy Dearest doesn't have a four page list of things for me to do.

I'm kinda pissed off though, my brother stepped up to the plate and split the nursing doodies with me so I can't rag on him or be mean for like a day or two. I haven't talked to him yet this morning, wondering how "Bath Time With Mom" went last night.

He probably has a hangover from too much beer.....


FYI - It's actually colder in Florida than it is in Alaska right at this very moment - is that crazy or WHAT?!?!?

* Quote from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

It’s Like A Scene Out Of Silent Hill and I’m The Nurse

My mother has been keeping me more busy that anticipated. Between errands to the bank, library, grocery store, and rehabilitation appointments I have been doing laundry, cooking meals, cleaning house, and other sundry tasks. She told me I was mean yesterday because I made her get up and help prepare dinner and help fold laundry….while standing. Hey lady!!! I don’t want to be here for a month or two, this weekend looks like you’ll be on your own SO get up and get moving Missy-Moo!

Today is my brother’s turn to spend the day with our mother while I get caught up at work; I’m thinking his nerves will be fried by the time I take over late this afternoon. Of course he IS the favorite child so she may be easier on him than she is on me or The Ancient One….my older sister.

I haven’t yet had a chance to put together that long awaited photo composition but I did begin the outline so thank you for your patience….the nurse will be with you soon.

And The Verdict IS.....

con·fir·ma·tion
Pronunciation: \kän-fer-`mā-shun\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1: an act or process of confirming: as
a(1): a Christian rite conferring the gift of the Holy Spirit and among Protestants full church membership

(2): a ceremony especially of Reform Judaism confirming youths in their faith
b: the ratification of an executive act by a legislative body
2: a: confirming proof : corroboration
b: the process of supporting a statement by evidence


I finally received confirmation from my brother, "I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” that he won’t rat me out to our mom should I post the long promised photo montage of The Sisters demurely sitting in the hospital room while waiting for our mother to awaken after hip-replacement surgery. Okay, he didn’t exactly say he wouldn’t tell on me but I’m taking the following statement to mean he’s going to remain silent no matter how bad The Sisters were. Here’s what he said:

“With all the hype those pictures better be good!”

That’s it. After all of the threats, blog posts, hints, and waiting, this is all I got outta him? All I have to say is how could the pictures not be good????

This evening, as I stay with my mother, I plan on putting together the long-promised picture montage of The Sisters as we sat in the hospital room awaiting our mother to awaken from that morphine induced sleep coma. Hope it will be everything you’re expecting - if not it's all my brother's fault.

Word Of The Day - Again

indecision
Pronunciation: \in-di-`si-zhen\
Function: noun
Etymology: French indécision, from indécis undecided, from Late Latin indecisus, from Latin in- + decisus, past participle of decidere to decide
Date: circa 1763
: a wavering between two or more possible courses of action.

irresolute
Pronunciation: \i-`re-ze-lüt, i(r)-, -let\
Function: adjective
Date: 1579
: uncertain how to act or proceed.

vacillate
Pronunciation: \`va-se-lāt\
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form(s): vac·il·lat·ed; vac·il·lat·ing
Etymology: Latin vacillatus, past participle of vacillare to sway, waver — more at
Date: 1597
1 a: to sway through lack of equilibrium
b: fluctuate , oscillate
2: to waver in mind, will, or feeling : hesitate in choice of opinions or courses

I still haven’t heard anything from my brother, "I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” as to whether or not he would rat me out if I posted a picture montage of the day my sister, “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” and I spent at the hospital awaiting our mom to awaken after surgery. I wish he’d hurry and either post a comment and let us all know what he’s thinking or hell, just give me a call and let me if he’s going to be a poo-poo-doo-doo-head and tell mom. I’d like to know before I go spend the night with her her first evening out of rehab. I figure I’ll need a little something to keep me busy while hanging out at her house (she has basic cable and no ESPN or Hallmark channel……) and what better way to amuse myself than sit on the couch with my laptop and post horrible pictures of her as sits beside me dictating what “helpful little things around the house” I can do for her like re-caulk the bathrooms, scrub clean grout with a toothbrush, or if I’m lucky, re-roof the house.

I know he’s reading the blog because he’s already threatened me with the posting of old photographs from the eighties. As one of 32, 472, 879 people that would like to wipe those years from my memory, I’m dreading the fact that all of humanity will have access to pictures showing off my horrible perms and parachute pants. Thank goodness I never stooped so low as to own zebra stripped leggings!

HEY BRO…….WHAT’S IT GONNA BE?

Making A List and Checking It Twice

Yes I know, Christmas is over and Santa is vacationing in the Abaco’s but the fun isn’t over yet, my friends so grab your list and let’s make sure we have everything we need.

Beer

Chips

Dip

Beer

Sausage Dogs

Big Fat Steak Fries

Terrible Towel

Number 43 Jersey

Number 86 Jersey

Cowbells and Other Noise Makers

Beer

We’re ready and waiting for the kick off this afternoon so grab your towel and wave it high we’re “steeling” some thunder from California!

Our Own Bowl Game…..And It Wasn’t In The Toilet

A group of us got together last night to watch the Florida Gators win over the Oklahoma Sooners. I, of course, was wearing my Pittsburgh Steelers sweatshirt so I got a bit of shit over that BUT I’m already preparing for MY game on Sunday. But that’s another story.

Our evening started of with a nice meal which included rolls from Just Bob’s favorite grocery store. This is one of the many reasons we love Publix:

The group congregated at Magillacutty’s house and soon there after the excitement began:

The gangs all here

Ron Cherry SUCKS


MORE COW BELL!!!


Stop farting in my house.....


Oh Yeah!


The Fan Club

All in all it was a fun night for everyone except for King and Bro who are not Gator fans…..they were there for the beer.

Okay, too many beers…


DAMMIT MARNIE DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE!!!

FYI - That was me throwing the gauntlet at my brother - because I posted a picture of him peeing outside he will not only be pissed about the "inappropriate" picture on my blog but he will now be posting really bad 80's pictures of me with HUGE glasses and a REALLY bad perm. I hope you guys appreciate this!

Word Of The Day

Quandary quan·da·ry
Pronunciation: \`kwän-d-rē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural quan·da·ries
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1579

: a state of perplexity or doubt

Dilemma di·lem·ma
Pronunciation: \da-`le-ma also dī-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Late Latin, from Late Greek dilēmmat-, dilēmma, probably back-formation from Greek dilēmmatos involving two assumptions, from di- + lēmmat-, lēmma assumption — more at lemma
Date: 1523

: a problem involving a difficult choice


My sister and I spent an afternoon together last week while my mother was recovering post-op. We had quite a boring time of it as we didn’t want to disturb Mom by turning on the television or talking too loudly. When “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” and I get together we tend to laugh, giggle, snort, and disrupt those around us without even trying. She and I both gave a shot at reading but had a difficult time concentrating on our stories. We put our heads together and wondered what we could do to pass the time. Then lo and behold what did mine eyes reveal? My camera….in my purse….calling out to us to release it from eternal darkness.

So there we are holding this camera and looking evilly into each others eyes. I smirk…..she smirks…..and we start snapping away.

So here’s my dilemma/quandary. Do I post a photo montage of the pictures we took while waiting for Mom to awaken from her anesthetic or morphine induced coma? If I post them will OUR SWEET, PRECIOUS BABY BROTHER, THE PRODIGAL SON, THE FAVORED ONE, THE BANE OF OUR EXSISTANCE tell Mom there are pictures posted of her that make it look as if we were attending her wake? Hmmm? Will he tattle on me? I know “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” won’t nark but will “I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” let our kind, loving, patient, tolerant mother know what I have done?

I shall wait with bated breath to see if “I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” posts a comment letting us know if I should go ahead with the blog post honoring the successful hip replacement surgery of our mother...... or not.

I’m Back In The Saddle Again

Okay maybe not TOTALLY back in the saddle because I’ve been on “vacation” since the 24th of December. It was a busy holiday what with family in town for ten days, my mother having a hip replaced, kids at home demanding time and taxi service, a neighbor who was out of town and needed me to take care of her animals (there’s a funny story there, folks, don’t let me forget to tell you all about it), a man whom I dearly love that didn’t really want to spend each and every single day with my sister and her family but did because he loves me (I so owe him sexual favors for suffering through those tumultuous times), and a trilogy of books I just happened across at Borders and haven’t been able to put down (I’ll pimp this new and exciting author in just a moment.)

Can you say “WOW”?

No – really – can you say “WOW”?

Now that you know I still love each and every one of you, I’m going to print out this Word formatted document prior to posting on my blog so that I remember to tell you about all of the exciting events that took place these past two weeks. I just need a moment or four hundred and seventy-one to get caught up here at work so I still have a job to come to.

Hmmmm, do I really WANT this job that I come to?

REMINDER TO SELF: Ponder whether or not it would be a good thing if I got fired from my job. Or maybe I could quit and be a stay at home mom. Do stay at home moms get paid? If so, by whom?

Back to the books I’ve been loath to part company with (I currently have the third book in my purse just in case I get to run away from work and read for a moment.) While browsing Borders here in the lovely Florida Panhandle, I stumbled on absolutely nothing while meandering by the “New Releases” display. As I straightened myself up with the hopes that no one saw me (it was two days before Christmas; what the hell was I thinking, of COURSE people saw my clumsy ass….) I glanced to the left and saw this:



How cool is that?!?!?!? This is actually the third in a trilogy about “an assassin’s journey into legend”.

Assassins?

Legend?

Dudes, I am SO ninja so I had to buy all three books for myself for Christmas and haven’t been able to put them down since I started reading them last week. I took them with me when I pottied, I took them with me when I was hangin’ with my sister, I took them with me when I went shopping with the kids at the mall.

“Hi, my name’s Marnie and I’m a Kylar Stern addict.”

“Hi Marnie!”

If you love to read and enjoy escaping reality every once in awhile, I highly recommend picking up these books and blocking off your calendar for a few days….they are WELL worth the time.

AND….they make you dream really cool ninja dreams in which you totally and completely kick ass in order to save the sheep and children wearing highlander clothing…..other story there folks.

Off to get some work done or at least LOOK like I’m working because my boss is due back soon.
For additional information on Marnie’s addiction, go here: KYLAR STERN ROCKS AND I WANT TO BE VI WHEN I GROW UP!!!!

p.s. Yes, I know he's "more than merely ninja" but no one knows but us.