I’m Back In The Saddle Again

Okay maybe not TOTALLY back in the saddle because I’ve been on “vacation” since the 24th of December. It was a busy holiday what with family in town for ten days, my mother having a hip replaced, kids at home demanding time and taxi service, a neighbor who was out of town and needed me to take care of her animals (there’s a funny story there, folks, don’t let me forget to tell you all about it), a man whom I dearly love that didn’t really want to spend each and every single day with my sister and her family but did because he loves me (I so owe him sexual favors for suffering through those tumultuous times), and a trilogy of books I just happened across at Borders and haven’t been able to put down (I’ll pimp this new and exciting author in just a moment.)

Can you say “WOW”?

No – really – can you say “WOW”?

Now that you know I still love each and every one of you, I’m going to print out this Word formatted document prior to posting on my blog so that I remember to tell you about all of the exciting events that took place these past two weeks. I just need a moment or four hundred and seventy-one to get caught up here at work so I still have a job to come to.

Hmmmm, do I really WANT this job that I come to?

REMINDER TO SELF: Ponder whether or not it would be a good thing if I got fired from my job. Or maybe I could quit and be a stay at home mom. Do stay at home moms get paid? If so, by whom?

Back to the books I’ve been loath to part company with (I currently have the third book in my purse just in case I get to run away from work and read for a moment.) While browsing Borders here in the lovely Florida Panhandle, I stumbled on absolutely nothing while meandering by the “New Releases” display. As I straightened myself up with the hopes that no one saw me (it was two days before Christmas; what the hell was I thinking, of COURSE people saw my clumsy ass….) I glanced to the left and saw this:



How cool is that?!?!?!? This is actually the third in a trilogy about “an assassin’s journey into legend”.

Assassins?

Legend?

Dudes, I am SO ninja so I had to buy all three books for myself for Christmas and haven’t been able to put them down since I started reading them last week. I took them with me when I pottied, I took them with me when I was hangin’ with my sister, I took them with me when I went shopping with the kids at the mall.

“Hi, my name’s Marnie and I’m a Kylar Stern addict.”

“Hi Marnie!”

If you love to read and enjoy escaping reality every once in awhile, I highly recommend picking up these books and blocking off your calendar for a few days….they are WELL worth the time.

AND….they make you dream really cool ninja dreams in which you totally and completely kick ass in order to save the sheep and children wearing highlander clothing…..other story there folks.

Off to get some work done or at least LOOK like I’m working because my boss is due back soon.
For additional information on Marnie’s addiction, go here: KYLAR STERN ROCKS AND I WANT TO BE VI WHEN I GROW UP!!!!

p.s. Yes, I know he's "more than merely ninja" but no one knows but us.

We Are Santa's Elves

We are Santa's elves
Building Santa's shelves
With a toy for each girl and boy
Oh, We are Santa's elves!

We work hard all day
But our work is play
Dolls we try out see if they cry out
We are Santa's elves!

We've a special job each year
We don't like to brag
Christmas Eve we always fill Santa's bag

Santa knows who's good
Do the things you should
And we bet you, he won't forget you
We are Santa's elves!

We've a special job each year
We don't like to brag
Christmas Eve we always fill Santa's bag

Santa knows who's good
Do the things you should
And we bet you, he won't forget you
We are Santa's elves!

Ho Ho Ho, Ho Ho Ho
We are Santa's elves!


Ho HO!

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello!?!?!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

I didn't write this; my SIL e-mailed this to me and had to share. I'm sure most of you have seen it but come on, it's just as funny the first time you read as it is the twenty-first time you read it.

Tis The Season Of Giving

Dr. Zibbs tagged me after seeing how much fun I had with the Secret Santa Can Suck It gift exchange. In a heart-warming act of kindness, our Dr. Z. has started “The That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts for Sick People Stockpile.” He proposed that we make a list of gifts that MIGHT be given to some sick people and we just send that list to a place where sick people are with the hopes that “some rich dude will see the list and buy all of the presents for the sick people.” But to make this exchange a little more challenging he feels that we really shouldn’t waste our time, efforts, or money on sick people as they will most likely just cough on it anyway or something but hey….isn’t it the thought that counts?

So here’s what we were to do:

1) Pick a crappy gift for the That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts For Sick People Stockpile and post it on your site.

2) Pick 5 bloggers that you think might want to open their hearts and pick a crappy gift.

3) Link back to this post.

4) And if you really want to get into heaven, write, "I POSTED A CRAPPY GIFT" in the comments section of this post so we can see the crappy gifts you picked.

After much thought, soul searching, and two sushi rolls I decided upon the following to be added to the crappy gift stockpile exchange:

A pair of hand-made maxi-pad slippers. Not only will this fabulous gift fit snuggly to our invalid’s foot (because these are adjustable to just about any size) they provide warmth, comfort, and the ability to pick up hazardous waste material dropped on the floor by those uncaring and thoughtless nurses. I tried to find a holiday pair but was unsuccessful so first thing this morning…….okay third thing this morning (I needed coffee and a cigarette) a made this fabulous pair myself. Note the holiday garland and berries make a perfectly ordinary pair of maxi-pads a festive holiday treat.

I didn't tag anyone because knowing the few that will read this, some of you guys will take it upon yourselves to just do it for the fun of it. So go ahead, take a walk on the wild side and visit That Blue Yak for some more exciting holiday gift ideas!

p.s. I really did make the slippers.....think Spawnette will wear them?

It's Practically Christmas!

Bee over at Bee’s Musings has opened her heart and started a Christmas tradition to end all traditions. This fun-filled and magical gift exchange brings enchantment back into this dreary and dismal season. No money leaving your pocket, no last minute shopping for that gift you totally forgot you were required to bring to the office holiday party, no wracking of your brain as to what to purchase for your mother because she’s one of those people that goes out and buys everything on her Christmas list before Thanksgiving dinner has fully digested. No my friends, this is a gift exchange that will bring a tear to your eye.

If you were lucky enough to join in the fun, all you had to do was “post a picture of what you would have gotten that person if you had money and you know, cared.” The first round of secret Santas looked like they had lots of fun. I missed that round but was so excited I peed my pants a little when I saw she was hosting a second round. After popping off and e-mail, Lovely Bee sent me the name of the recipient of my Secret Santa gift.

I was frenzied and filled with excitement when I saw that I was Secret Santa to Practically Joe. Amazingly enough I “know” Joe. Joe is a funny guy that adores his wife and family and having read most of his blogs I grabbed my imagination and went on a shopping spree.

Joe is anal retentive. He hangs his clothing in OCD order. Joe uses wire hangers and in this day and age, these are unacceptable. However, even though those wire hangers DRIVE ME NUTS I understand why he uses them so instead of insisting upon the use of plastic hangers, I though of getting this for Joe:

Not only is this a great conversation piece, but it’s completely made up of white plastic hangers. Unfortunately, this piece was purchased before I could grab my checkbook and scream in agony at the price as David Mach is a highly sought after artist.

I then thought of a Garmin for those road trips he and his wife take so he doesn’t have to draw and follow his own maps anymore.

Example of what a Garmin can do:

Example of a map Joe drew:

With the Garmin, Joe can even teach Mrs. Joe how to program in the location of coffee shops around town so that all it takes for directions to the closest coffee shop is a press of a button. (You’re in like Flint with THAT one, Joe.)

But wait…..even better……Mrs. Joe likes to frequently stop for coffee while she and Joe are out and about running errands so why not have an in-car coffee maker installed in his car so that Joe doesn’t ever have to stop for coffee again! (Joe, this gift will SO get you laid.)

But alas, that’s more of a gift for Mrs. Joe so on to the next idea.

I thought about the Screaming Chicken but if he were to play with this in the car while Mrs. Joe was making a cup of coffee, it would be a disaster in the making.

I then thought about getting Practically Joe a Yip Yip because come on people, Yip Yips are practically funny!

Sold out……..oh well.

I don’t know if Joe has a cat, but if he does I thought about getting him one of these. If he doesn’t have a cat I think this would look great on one of the grandkids, don’t you?

Then I remembered…Joe is still recovering from an unfortunate accident. Our conqueror of boredom, our slayer of apathy, our illustrious hero fell off a ladder. Poor guy….broken ribs, broken spirit, the works.

So with much love and wishes for a less painful year I pre-registered Joe for an OSHA training class which covers “ladder safety". No really, click on the link I’ve provided and test away!

CLICK ON THIS LINK TO TAKE YOUR SAFETY CLASS, JOE

I’ve also reformatted the follow safety poster so that all Joe needs to do is click on the picture for a “printer friendly” copy to hang in his garage for future reference.

Last but not least, I went out on a limb and did a little research because hey, I’m cool like that. For Joe we have the ComforTech 3-D Full Body Harness. This harness attaches to a ladder and provides you with:

Three D-rings (Fall Arrest and Positioning).
5-Point Adjustability.
Quick-Connect Buckle Leg Straps.
Padded Shoulder Yoke.
Twin Butt Pads.
Waist Pad/Positioning Assembly with Lumbar Support.
Extreme Duty, Removable Work belt.
2 Lanyard Keepers.
Polyester Webbing holds up to 7,300 pounds.

Gotta get the rope, too, or what good would the harness do?

I think this will look FAB and as an added bonus, once donned it will fit snuggly across the chest and grasp your upper thighs gently lifting your groin area enhancing the size of your “sacagawea” making you look comparable in size to John Holmes.

Look Joe……NO HANDS!

So there you have it Joe, with lots of love and many a hug Queen Goob wishes you a happy and MOST healthy holiday!

Head on over to Bee's to take a looksee at other gift exchanges!

Where’d The Merry Go?

I want to know if ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? But alas, if I’m not happy, no one is happy. Must be the Irish temper thing plaguing my home; my fiery nature; may all the miscreations that misunderstand me just burn in the flaming pits of……

Sorry, what I meant to say there is Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukkah!

No, that’s not true either. At Publix yesterday I greeted the bagboy with a cheerful “Christmas!” He looked at me oddly (go figure) and I responded with a blistering “Well it ain’t merry at MY house, buster!” Funny enough, he didn’t offer to take my cart to my car and unload the grocery bags for me and King slinked off into the sunset.

King Dork’s daughter arrives this afternoon for a week-long visit. “Orlagh” is a beautiful girl with a heart of gold. I can’t wait to see her and spend time with her here in the unusually warm weather we’re having. (Sorry Gig, it was cold last week.)

My only issue is the fact my house is trashed. When I say trashed I mean really trashed. I am one of those people that must have a clean house whenever visitors are coming to stay. WHAT?!?!? My house isn’t clean? No it’s not. For the past week I’ve been trying to explain to the rest of the members of the household that this is something important to me – a clean house. They don’t understand the importance when there are Wii and role-playing games to be played. “Don’t worry, she won’t care” is a comment I have heard often these past seven days. She may not but I will. Is it just me or is your home a reflection of you? It is? Great, I’m trailer trash. AWESOME!!!

This is what my home would normally look like sans the Christmas decorations that at this time of the year should be up:

This is what is currently resembles:

See my dilemma here? No? Well you guys don’t count because I know you don’t understand but ladies? Could you help me out here while I try to explain?????

I came home last night with a “fuck it” attitude, made jambalaya for dinner (it was really, really good by the way), washed up afterwards and proceeded to clean The King and I’s bathroom. That’s it, just the bathroom. I told King that Orlagh was to use our bathroom and not the room of Spawn. He said “No, she can use the kids’ bathroom.” I informed him I was fresh outta HAZMAT suits and he said, “yes, dear.” I love it when he says that, it just brings a tear of joy to my eye.

So here I sit, an hour before Orlagh arrives with a dirty house, no Christmas decorations except for the yard things the boys put out in an attempt to escape my bad mood, and no idea where the sweet princess will sleep as the previously thought out scenario included the cleaning off of the couch in the Florida Room.

Oops…..you forgot about THAT one guys, didn’t ya?

Awwwww fuck it and CHRISTMAS to all!

Ya'll Can Kiss My Christmassy Ass

I am so not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I have yet to decorate the house, purchase a tree, or even buy the first gift. "Bah, humbug!" doesn’t really express my current enthusiasm this year. I’m more along the lines of “Fuck you, you little bastard, I can't believe you finished decorating and shopping before the 24th.....fucker!”

Yea, that kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

Last year we had a pretty paathetic tree but once decorated it didn’t look too bad. This year I’d settle for anything…..even this:

Here’s how I’m feeling about the holidays right about now:

Doesn't this guy look pleased?

How about him, are ya feelin’ the love from THIS guy?

Doesn’t this make you wanna don a Santa hat and sing carols to your neighbors?

How about these three; which one do you think is gonna pee in the eggnog….huh?

I bet this guy left one hell of a Christmas gift for you, buddy!

Hope you guys are have a fabulous season despite the “love” I’m sending your way. Or better yet, any fun stories you’d like to bitch about yourself? Bring them on let's celebrate together....I'll bring the eggnog!

A Holly Jolly Good Time

While catching up on my friends I stopped by to see what Bee was doing. I was breathless with excitement when I saw that I was not the only person to get a jump start on decorating for the holidays. Bee does the same thing. Actually that’s not true; Bee got a jump start even on me! As I will be heading up north into the path of snow and ice over the Thanksgiving holiday, I’m dusting off my Christmas decorations a week early. Sunday will be spent taking the thirty-seven boxes out of my mother’s attic that contain my holiday garlands, wall hangings, nativity scenes, ginormous Christmas village, tree ornaments, yard decorations, and a vast array of strings of lights. If there is a space, nook, cranny, spot, corner, niche, or spot there is going to be some kind of goo-ga placed “just so”. It’s a long and tedious process but every year I gear up by popping in a holiday CD (maybe an Ella Fitzgerald or a Harry Connick, Jr.), pouring a beer into a green or red goblet to prepare myself and my family for an entire week of decorating and destruction. Destruction? Yeah, I have so much crap that I have to pack up bookcases and tchotchkes in order to properly display my collection of…well…holiday crap.

I hate taking down my fall decorations because fall is probably my favorite season of the year. I love the colors, the smells, and the turtleneck sweaters I get to unpack from their summer hiding place in the back of my closet.

But by bringing out the sparkles, shimmers, and colors of Christmas my sadness is short lived.

Anyone else a Christmas Decoration Addict that would like to start participating in our weekly CDA Meetings? Free membership!