It's All About Me

I was going to clean house today as everyone is gone and won't be returning until tomorrow afternoon but you know what? Today is for me and I feel like......

I shall walk by the laundry, glance at the dishes, ignore the clutter and pretend it doesn't exist, leave the lights off when I need to use the facilities, walk over the dog-hair encrusted rug, blow the dust away so I can set down my coffee while I lounge on the couch reading a perfectly horrid novel, and think about MAYBE getting out of my pajamas.

Where’d The Merry Go?

I want to know if ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? But alas, if I’m not happy, no one is happy. Must be the Irish temper thing plaguing my home; my fiery nature; may all the miscreations that misunderstand me just burn in the flaming pits of……

Sorry, what I meant to say there is Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukkah!

No, that’s not true either. At Publix yesterday I greeted the bagboy with a cheerful “Christmas!” He looked at me oddly (go figure) and I responded with a blistering “Well it ain’t merry at MY house, buster!” Funny enough, he didn’t offer to take my cart to my car and unload the grocery bags for me and King slinked off into the sunset.

King Dork’s daughter arrives this afternoon for a week-long visit. “Orlagh” is a beautiful girl with a heart of gold. I can’t wait to see her and spend time with her here in the unusually warm weather we’re having. (Sorry Gig, it was cold last week.)

My only issue is the fact my house is trashed. When I say trashed I mean really trashed. I am one of those people that must have a clean house whenever visitors are coming to stay. WHAT?!?!? My house isn’t clean? No it’s not. For the past week I’ve been trying to explain to the rest of the members of the household that this is something important to me – a clean house. They don’t understand the importance when there are Wii and role-playing games to be played. “Don’t worry, she won’t care” is a comment I have heard often these past seven days. She may not but I will. Is it just me or is your home a reflection of you? It is? Great, I’m trailer trash. AWESOME!!!

This is what my home would normally look like sans the Christmas decorations that at this time of the year should be up:

This is what is currently resembles:

See my dilemma here? No? Well you guys don’t count because I know you don’t understand but ladies? Could you help me out here while I try to explain?????

I came home last night with a “fuck it” attitude, made jambalaya for dinner (it was really, really good by the way), washed up afterwards and proceeded to clean The King and I’s bathroom. That’s it, just the bathroom. I told King that Orlagh was to use our bathroom and not the room of Spawn. He said “No, she can use the kids’ bathroom.” I informed him I was fresh outta HAZMAT suits and he said, “yes, dear.” I love it when he says that, it just brings a tear of joy to my eye.

So here I sit, an hour before Orlagh arrives with a dirty house, no Christmas decorations except for the yard things the boys put out in an attempt to escape my bad mood, and no idea where the sweet princess will sleep as the previously thought out scenario included the cleaning off of the couch in the Florida Room.

Oops…..you forgot about THAT one guys, didn’t ya?

Awwwww fuck it and CHRISTMAS to all!

Mergers and Acquisitions

The merge is complete. Okay, the merge has begun but the move in is complete. The merge will be the easy part. This is what King Dork brought with him when he arrived in Tallahassee. Think I have room in my 1900+ square foot home?

I don’t know; it looks like the merging of our “stuff” may be a tough one. We’re heading to Ohio over the Thanksgiving holiday to bring back the rest of his stuff. He says it should all fit in my SUV. Sounds like we may have to add onto the house to accommodate everything.

And I spent TWO WEEKS CLEANING CRAP OUT OF MY HOUSE FOR THIS?!?!?!?

Looks like I may rake in at the yard sale next weekend!

Just Breathe

I'm too damn freaked out and panicky to think of anything funny right now because cleaning ones house out in a matter of days IS NOT FUNNY PEOPLE!!!!

(art by Gottfried Helnwein)

Reality Mode

If you stopped by yesterday you found me in “panic mode”.

This is why…..

Explains a lot, doesn’t it? I told you I had too much shit to go through in a two week period. Purge my ass; more like “just bulldoze the house and start over” mode should have been considered.

This does not include the eight large yard bags that I'd already "disposed" of. I have many happy friends that have inherited all of my shit who will be moaning and complaining about me this weekend when they try and find room to put all of their "new" stuff.

Panic Mode

As most of you may already know, my man and I have been dating for three and a half years. We had a “brief sabbatical” for two months earlier this year but through good communication a key in any relationship we were able to determine our differences were a cumulation of my stubbornness and his temper tantrums. Those days have been exorcised from our lives…..at least for the rest of this year.

For those three and a half years we have lived in the same city for the grand total of thirty five days. Yup, for three and a half years we have lived eight hundred and fifty miles apart. Now for some of you this would be a good distance to keep between you and your loved one. For us, not so much. It puts wear and tear on the car, and wear and tear on our old and decrepit bodies: too much travel.




Yesterday, The Emperor, “King Dork”, turned in his resignation as he found a new job. A new job here in The Armpit of Florida. A job in the same town I live.




Simple mathematics results in the following equation: subtract one emperor from Cow-lubus, add one integration broker to The Armpit, multiply that by a single mom and her teenaged spawn with the sporadic introduction of the multivariable of three older offspring and you get the equivalency of one house full of people at my address.




Enter panic.




I have lived in the same house for almost nineteen years. Fifteen of these years with just the kids. Do you people UNDERSTAND how much SHIT I have accumulated over the past nineteen years?!?!? My house was built in the early fifties. There is no closet or storage space. I have shit stuff, crammed, shoved, and poked into every available crevice and hole. There is absolutely no room for his stuff. HOLY SHIT….I have two weeks to clean out a drawer or two for him to throw his underwear and socks when he MOVES IN WITH US.




IN TWO WEEKS!!!!!



UGH!!!!!!



Needless to say I have been a bit busy purging all of the useless and meaningless crap that I have pilfered, saved, accumulated, or inherited over the last few years.



Few……huh, whatever!

I thought I’d share in my humiliating experience of the twelve-step program called “Packrats Anonymous”.

Step thirteen: RELAX!

Marnie Is A Slacker

Okay here’s the deal. I am a slacker. I have not done one thing around my house in the past week that could remotely be deemed constructive. In fact, the only thing I’ve done here at the house lately is read, sleep, shower, and drink coffee. I haven’t even cooked a meal since the spawn have been off gallivanting the land-o-Satan. I am taking the day off to do all of the cleaning, laundry, and chores there of that make up…….well, in my mind they make up purgatory. Yeah, I think if I had to draw you a picture of purgatory it would be a world of endless housework. Crappy house work like scrubbing toilets and cleaning grout. So here’s the plan; I am taking the day to get caught up and as I have the rest of the weekend off I will treat myself to a job well done by doing nothing but getting caught up on reading blogs and actually leaving comments.

Instead of leaving a funny story or antidote, I’m going to plug my other site and have you guys check out the photoblog….I promise to try and put up more funny pictures, need to scan a lot of photos as I’m more of a “film” girl and just getting around to the digital world. It's new but it's fun. Enjoy the picture of my first mammogram; that one always makes me giggle..

Cheers and much laughter for the rest of the day. Think of me on my hands and knees scrubbing bathroom floors and be glad it’s not you. If that doesn’t make you feel better – you are so screwed!