I Had No Idea

The King and I spent the weekend running errands and just shopping around. He wants to get a grill now that he can cook outside year round so Saturday morning we went to PetSmart, Home Depot, and Lowe's. I know, PetSmart doesn’t have grills but it was right beside Home Depot and I needed a few things for the fish tanks. I was almost a very bad girl at PetSmart but the King helped me refrain from getting a puppy......even though it was a really, really, cute and sweet puppy that was abandoned at a cabin when he was very small and almost died BUT I was a good girl none-the-less because the rescue group is a “no kill” organization so I knew the not-so-little guy was safe from harm. As we left the store we began our excursion "window shopping" for grills.

I had no idea…

Grill shopping for guys is a totally different experience than it is for girls. Don’t get me wrong, I L.O.V.E. cooking on a grill but I can get the same result from this:

as I can with this:



King wanted this:

Not only was his choice a tad expensive and include a mini refrigerator, but it was a bit cumbersome as well. I had no idea how we would have gotten it home in the SUV….even if we had had a trailer to load it on.

As I watch King position himself in front of this behemoth of a monster-grill, I swear I heard angels singing as he stood dead center of the mammoth component, caressing the surface like that of a young, nubile, virgin sacrifice. He struck a Jesus pose and prayed to the grill-gods of Valhalla. It was a beautiful thing to behold. It brought a tear to my eye just imagining him in nothing but a chef's hat and apron cooking one inch thick porterhouse steaks off the back porch.

Yes siree, it was a beautiful thing!

Merlee Odell Goes Shopping

This past weekend Merlee Odell had a date. Yup, my girl was venturing out into the scary world of dating after divorce. She hadn’t been on a date for probably twenty-five years so in order to best prepare herself for this frightening adventure she figured a bit of retail therapy was in order. She asked if I would be willing to assist her in shopping for a new outfit for the date. Me. ME!!! I’m like the WMD of fashion. A Waredrobe Malfunction Disaster waiting to happen. I shop in the boys section of Target because the cargo shorts not only fit better but they’re cheaper than those in the woman’s section. If I could, I would wear my navy blue Van’s or sandals with every outfit I own. I think a baseball cap with my hair pulled through the closure at the back is equivalent to an elegant chignon or French twist. And my girl wants me to go shopping with her. I do have an eye for color so what the hell, I said I'd go with her.

Friday night Merlee comes to the house with a twelve pack of beer, an over-night bag, and her best pair of pajamas. To set the mood for shopping, we had a girl’s night filled with beer, snacks, chick flicks, and lots of laughter. Merlee and I didn’t stay up as late as Spawnette because we knew we’d need our strength for the shopping excursion planned for the morning. After watching Under The Tuscan Sun, Merlee and I hit the sheets. I shared my bed with a cover-stealing cuddler. Okay…….I’m a cuddler too but for those that were going to ask, no, we didn’t take pictures.

I arose at 6:30 a.m., started a pot of coffee, walked through the house to Purgatory (that’s where Spawn and Spawnette reside) to awaken Spawnette and get her ready for a morning of golf with the guys. I reached down and gently brush her arm and she whips around, stares me unblinkingly in the eyes and says – I’m not kidding here – FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT!?!?! I returned to the kitchen and made sure the coffee was ready because it seemed she was going to need a jumbo cup of Seattle’s Best.

After shoving her out the door and into her father’s care, Merlee and I refilled our cups, sat on the back porch and planned out our day. Kohl’s followed by Governor’s Square Mall, Marshall’s, and PETCO (Merlee was not looking for an outfit there; I was babysitting my neighbor’s pets and ran out of food for the moulting canary.)

For those that love shopping I’m sure it sounds like the perfect day for you. I’m not one of those individuals. Remember how I make it through holiday shopping?

Lucky for us, our first stop, though long, was a great success! Merlee found a lovely blouse, I found some great halter top dresses, and we got out of there before dark. Here's Merlee grabbing some things to try on at Kohl's:

OH!!! And this is the spider we saw crawling up the wall of the store right above the jewelry. That bastard was literally the size of my face!!! We decided to forgo the jewelry for shoes.

We hit Marshall’s “just in case” and I lucked across a fabulous coverlet for my bed. Hi, my name is Marnie and I’m a bedding whore; Hi Marnie! Crossing the street we parked at PETCO for a quick “run in and grab what you need” stop. This is where I ran into difficulties. As most of you have experienced, PETCO, PetSmart, and most retail pet supply stores have adoption booths set up on Saturdays. We, of course, were shopping on a Saturday. The booth at PETCO was set up RIGHT inside the front door so this is what I walked in to:

After sitting on the floor of the store for thirty minutes with that gorgeous guy named Tiger in my lap I quickly grabbed the bird food I originally came for and RAN from the store. I. Was. This. Close. To. Adopting. A. Puppy.

Merlee and I vaulted into the SUV and I drove us back to the house in twenty-seven seconds flat. She grabbed her duffle and headed for home so that she could nap and SSS before her date. I guess the date went well because the guy called her back and asked her out again.

She’s much braver than I. I’ve given up the dating scene but DAMN that guy “Tiger” from PETCO was cute; I may have to see if he’s still available and wants to come home with me.

I’m such a slut.

Public Humiliation

Is it just me or do other parents wake up in the morning with thoughts of how they will embarrass their children in public on any given day? Does anyone else find the need to plot revenge for impertinence or come up with strategically planned and properly executed practical jokes knowing your kids will roll their eyes and pretend ignorance of your existence?

When the spawn were young and impressionable, grocery shopping and trips to the mall were fun. It was a smorgasbord of slap-stick comedy and props and took nothing more than juggling tangerines at Publix to get a belly-rumbling laugh from either one of the two. Now that the spawn are fifteen and sixteen “respectively” (insert your own chuckle here), the acts of sabotage are more difficult to achieve.

I’ll give you an example. A few months ago Spawnette informs me there are still a number of items she needs before going on her ninth-grade class trip. The next day. It’s Easter Sunday. In a small Southern town. Where the hell did she think we were going to go? But ah-HA, there WAS a store open. One bound to be extremely crowded on this Easter Sunday afternoon. And what store would that be? None other than the dreaded life-sucking parasitic desperado…..Wal-Mart.

I despise Wal-Mart. It leeches tolerance, kindness, and patients out of all humanity. It turns sweet, blue-haired ladies into the vampiric creatures of small children’s nightmares. Its horror descends upon the unsuspecting leaving nothing but bloody stumps and appendages behind. It’s every human being’s nightmare come to life in 3-D Technicolor. It is hell.

I do not want to go shopping; I hate shopping. And I really do not want to go shopping in the only store open this lovely Easter Sunday. Spawnette is a browser. She has difficulty deciding upon which pair of white socks she will wear every day of the week. All her socks are the same. We. Will. Be. There. For. Hours. Hours of shopping are unacceptable so I must put my thinking cap on to devise a way to get in and out of hell as quickly as possible. What gets Spawnette moving faster than a speeding bullet? Humiliation and embarrassment. Wow, the ideas were endless. Should I change into my flamingo and trailer pajamas, grab my green frog slippers, and roll some pink curlers into my hair? Pajamas – check. Slippers – check. Rollers – SHIT – I don’t have any rollers. I looked for a breast plate and helmet so that I could do my impersonation of King Leonidas but failed to locate the necessary costume for an authentic reenactment of the Battle of Thermopylae. Crap. I had to call in forces and submit to the deviously scheming thoughts of Spawn. He liked the King Leonidas idea and went off to construct a leather skirt and wrist bands. “Good luck with that, Honey, let me know when you’re done.”

And then it hit me; I had just organized my arts and crafts and sewing materials. I had brown fake fur and some tartanesque material. I had plastic swords and daggers and a nice leather belt. I had the makings of William Wallace and I was raring to go. I slipped on my work boots, wrapped the pieces of fur around my shins and tied them on with yarn. I threw the plaid material over my shoulder and fastened in to my waist with a belt. Dagger in boot and sword in belt I left my room and headed for the front door hollering over my shoulder to Spawnette that Spawn and I would be waiting in the car. (He never did come up with leather for the skirt and wrist bands so he settled for a little kid’s plastic police helmet and a big foam sword.) Would you believe she was so busy primpin’ and make-upin’ that she never did notice our attire? Until, that is, we got out of the car in the parking lot of hell. She whipped her long hair over her shoulder and with piercing eyes and lips pulled back in a snarl she told me I wasn’t to walk closer than ten feet behind her and I was not to say one word to her because “I will not respond to ONE word YOU have to SAY!!!!”

Walking into the building I ran into a supervisor from work; he told me I looked good.

We were in and out in under 25 minutes.

Learn. From. The. Master.

Wanna see what I looked like?

Cooper thought that I looked HOT, even with my highlander scowl.