All I Need Are Some Tasty Waves, A Cool Buzz, And I'm Fine.

Most mornings I arrive at work promptly at 7:30; this morning was an exception. I arose as usual at 5:45 to the persistent buzzing of my alarm clock. I soared out of bed, slapped the alarm clock to activate the snooze, crawled back under the covers and proceeded to dream about that really cool traffic map in the right-hand column of my blog (please don’t ask; I have no idea.) The following conversation took place this morning at approximately 7:21:

*ring*

*ring*

Boss: Good Morning, this is (insert boss’s name here), how can I help you?

Me: Hey it’s Marn. I’m running late, I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Boss: What’s wrong with the bus? (Isn’t he a funny guy…..)

Me: Dude, I totally slept through my alarm.

Boss: *hardy laughter* ‘Kay, see you soon.



Dude????

Totally????

What am I, the reincarnate of Spacoli? My boss is now Mr. Hand? What the hell came out of my mouth?!?!?


Thank goodness they deliver pizza to my complex; it looks like it’s gonna be one of those days.


Dude?

*sheesh*

Believe it or not, I pulled into the parking lot at 8:01. My hair may have been wet but I made it in record time.

What's A Little Poo In The Big Scheme Of Things?

This is not a recent story but every time I think of it I laugh out loud. It is also the prologue of another story that happened earlier this week.

Picha dis (did anyone see My Cousin Vinny?)

One day not too terribly long ago my best friend Magillicutty was mindlessly folding laundry in her family room while watching reruns of Trauma: Life in the E.R. Her son, Seraphim, walks into the family room and announces, “Mom? I got poop on my hands.”

Magill turns to him, sees poop all over his hands with a smear here and there on his clothing and says, “Honey, mommy has told you that if you have a messy poo to call her so that she can come help you wipe your bottom.”

They walk through the kitchen, down the hall, and into the bathroom. Magill is greeted with poop on the toilet seat, poop on the hand towel, poop streaks in the sink, on the faucet handles, and along the wall by the toilet paper holder.

With horror straining her vocal cords knowing that she will be cleaning this horrific mess, she squeaks out “What happened? Why didn’t you call mommy to help?????”

He shrugs and give her that I don’t know look.

After disinfecting her son, she grabs her HAZMAT suit and gets to work on cleaning up the rectal explosion that has coated most every surface of the bathroom.

The subject was forgotten.

The next afternoon Magill and Seraphim are riding down the road in the proverbial soccer van when out of the blue, Boy-child states, “Ya know mom…..sometimes poop’s messy.”

“I know Honey, that’s why you call mommy next time you have a messy poo so that she can come and help you clean up. So tell me, what happened in there, Buddy?”

“Well ya see, mom, it’s like this; I was sitting on the toilet takin’ a poop and I could tell it was gonna be a reeeeeealy BIG poop so when I was done I jump down and I turned around so’s I could look in the toilet and see how big the poop was and then I saw it and it was really, really, really big and I looked at it and went WWOOOOOOOWW really loud………and my gum fell in the toilet.”

Gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turn white, she exclaimed (quit loudly) “Do NOT put ANYTHING from the TOILET into your MOUTH!”

I got yelled at.

I gave him the gum.

Like I knew he was gonna try and dig his gum out of a colossal poo he took in the potty.

Morning Boredom and Mindless Crap

I was visiting Megan's site and ran across a quiz to determine which Star Trek character you are. As just about everyone in the office is on vacation this week, I had a free moment to "fill in the blanks". Go on, have fun, see if you're the red shirt of the day.

Here's mine:

Your results: You are Jean-Luc Picard
A lover of Shakespeare and other fine literature. You have a decisive mind and a firm hand in dealing with others.

I know, y'all could've gone all day without knowing I was destined to be your captain but what the hell.

I'll be back later - after I've caught up on my real work - to post something you actually don't mind wasting your time reading. Off you go now, grab a seat and prepare for warp speed.

Which Star Trek Character Are You?

Post Scriptum

(Not only do I look hot bald, but it seems I’m a bit of a dominatrix.)

Secret Boyfriend Number 43

I’m bringing these to my office as they’re taking up too much room at the house.

Any suggestions where I should put them or do you need pictures of my office?

Toora, Loora, Loora

I think the Florida State University College of Engineering has combined forces with their School of Chemistry and released into the air an experimental biological warhead containing spores which induce narcoleptic-like symptoms in all living forms.

This weekend was spent fighting the need, no the physical necessity for sleep not only by me but almost every human being I spoke with. I took a nap Saturday morning….MORNING…before lunchtime for crying out loud. When I spoke to my mother, my ex-MIL, and my best friend all three of them had napped Saturday as well. It affected the young and old alike.

Even Spawnette, who usually slithers to her Moravian sarcophagus just as dawn is breaking, had succumbed to a comatose slumber by seven thirty last night; the dog right there at her side.

If the trend continues, I’ve considered purchasing the new and improved SGE 400 complete with the Drager 40mm NBC Filter. I have five days to get my work at the office caught up with nothing sitting on my desk. The Spawn and I are leaving for a weeks vacation and I want nothing…..you hear me NOTHING standing in the way of a totally and completely irrelevant and meaningless vacation. A vacation spent drinking beer by the poolside and reminiscing with my girl Kat about all of the trouble she caused during our years in high school.

Crap, you already read yesterday’s post, didn’t you? I like to pretend I was a sweet, kind, and caring young lady back in my teen years. Can you guys play along with me, please?

I haven’t yet figured out what has been causing the need to sleep. I have hypotheses other than airborne pathogens expelled into the air with malicious intent to infect the good people of Tallahassee with experimental bioweaponry but I’m going with my first suggested explanation for now.

Sleep well, my Brethren, and dream of peace.

Sibling Harmony

I’ve been quite busy this past week so I am hoping to spend the day catching up on blogs I haven’t been able to read lately. I didn’t have a chance to write anything this morning but with a stroke of luck, a shortage of never-ending thunderstorms, and no unexpected trips the ER, I’ll get some free time later to actually write a story and not just copy what I posted on my photo blog.

I haven’t really taken the time to introduce you to either of my siblings. Let me take a moment to present my little brother. In our younger years, older sister and I would take turns tormenting him by convincing him the things we asked him to do were actually cool, not gross or dangerous. There was the naked run around the block right as the garden club was leaving the church, the trip down the laundry shoot to determine the strength of the clothes “cage” at the bottom, and the drinking of pee to establish his chance of survival should he ever become ship wrecked on a deserted island.

I don’t think it was our treatment of him left too many lasting scars on his perception of life as we know it, just a little one here and there. (Okay, my sister will burst a vein when she reads this and I don’t admit that…maybe….most of these things were my idea)

This is Finnie:

Isn’t he handsome?

This is Finnie enjoying a day of family fun:

Isn’t he athletic?

This is some of the equipment used to measure his athleticism:

Isn’t that nice?

I swear it's ALL my sister's fault he turned out this way - she's a cruel, cruel, soul.

Okay, so maybe not but she's far enough away that I can blame it all on her.

Love ya!
Mean it!

Nocturnal Hydrosis And Vasomotor Symptoms

I don’t know but I think I had my very first hot flash. I can’t figure out if it was an “official” hot flash as I have no one in the family to ask. Neither my mother nor my grandmother ever went through menopause; they just kinda got old. My sister is two years older than me but she has yet to experience the joys of the “normal” symptoms involved. I’m okay with menopause. I don’t need my ovaries any more. No really, I’m well past the need to reproduce and if I feel the need to hold a babe in my arms, I’ll get another puppy. (Wonder if “Tiger” will be a PETCO again this Saturday.) I guess at my age a hot flash would qualify as early menopause but hey….no more periods? I’m cool with that, too!

Has anyone ever experienced a hot flash? Was it because of menopause? Here’s how my flash went down: Merlee Odell, Spawnette, and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie last weekend. All of the sudden this wave of extreme heat washed over my body. I began to sweat profusely from beneath my boobs and under my ass. I jumped off the couch and knocked the air conditioning down to 62º below zero and turned a box fan on to circulate the snowflakes gently falling from the ceiling vents. Merlee and Spawnette both grabbed blankets and thermal socks while I shoved each to the furthest ends of the couch. It didn’t come on quickly and diminish after a brief time; this lasted all night long. I didn’t sweat like an anabolically enhanced female Russian body builder,

I just got hot.

By the morning - *poof* - all was better. I can’t figure out if it was result of an actual hot flash or if it was due to the fact I had squeezed myself into the 4.73 inch spot left on the couch. The spot nobody ever wants because you’re sandwiched between two 98 degree bodies with no wiggle room. I don’t know what it was but let me tell you people, for once in my life, I was HOT!