The Best Birthday Gift

I just hung up the phone and had to share this little tid-bit.

While eating lunch at Jimmy John’s a message was left on my phone. As I don’t like to be interrupted while partaking in a Big John sandwich, I left the phone in my car for a peaceful and enjoyable meal. As my lunch buddy, Will-I-Am, and I jumped back into my gas-guzzling SUV “Gawaine”, I see my phone blinking and realize I have a voicemail message. Flipping open the bane of my existence I see that Spawnette has called…..or so I think. I figured that she called to wish me a Happy Birthday because she failed to do so over our morning cup of coffee and the hour it takes for her to get ready for school each morning.

Nope, not a call from Spawnette.

It’s a message from her history teacher.

From Spawnette’s phone.

History is currently her lowest GPA so this solidifies my thoughts and visions of Spawnette sitting in class texting instead of paying attention to the rise and fall of Sparta.

Again…..I am wrong.

I return the call as requested and this is what I am told.

“Hi Ally’s Mom, This is Mrs. World History Teacher.”

“What’d she do? Is she in trouble?” I quickly ask with the hopes of getting the humiliation over as fast as possible.

“Oh no, no, no, she’s not in trouble at all. In fact I wanted to thank you.” She responds.

lift of the right eyebrow “Thank me?”

“Yes”, she continues, “I had to leave the room for a moment to use the lady’s room and right before I left I put on he overhead what I thought were questions for the class to copy down and answer. Instead, I had unknowingly put the answers up and then left the room. Everyone noticed however, Spawnette was the only student to do anything. She went up to the front of the class and removed the answers from the overhead and replaced them with the questions. The other students proceeded to give her quite a bit of slack but she reminded them that they were there to learn, not cheat. I just wanted to take a moment thank you for instilling the integrity and honesty in your daughter that I am constantly preaching about in class. I wish I were able to make twenty more of these calls but I can’t. So thank you.”

Wow…..is that a cool call to get from a teacher or what.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!



(That’s a meat cake, YUM!)

When Angels Weep

Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak,
Whispers the o’er fraught heart and bids it break.
~ William Shakespeare


There are no words of comfort.

A dear friend lost her eldest son two weeks ago today in a horrible car accident that was a genuine accident.

This morning, on his way to work, her husband died of a heart attack.

What can I say to this beautiful woman who has lost so much?

I Work With A Bunch of Clowns

Meetings, meetings, meetings. If they’d just let us go do our work without having to discuss it with a room full of clowns I bet we could get our work done on time!

So the boss walks in loaded for bear

followed by the lead developer who OBVIOUSLY knows how to program the only way known to man.

Also included are the business analyst,

her protégé,

and two guys from applications and development.

Sitting across from me I’m thrilled to see the office jokester

until a young gun walks into the meeting room and states……“I hear ya got an Appalachian you need to kill.”

“No, Funny Man, but could you kill the application?” I sweetly reply.

Black Dog Syndrome

WAIT! Before you guys start pounding and slamming me about not blogging here in the past month or two, I need to speak up on my own behalf…..because no one else will. Work has been a total and complete nightmare. Okay, not as bad as IV but bad nonetheless. That dude’s work life S-U-C-K-S!

I work in a government IT department and we are currently preparing for three….count them three new applications that will be going live in two and a half months. What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, no one up until now has decided how they want these systems to work. No big deal you think? Imagine yourself going to, say, a website and every time you need to click on a button for more information or a link or a picture or an order form or whatever, imagine that link not working. You click and nothing happens. Each one of these pages has a gazillion options available to you and no one…NO ONE has decided how they are going to work. Not only that, the current systems (of which there are three) have to be “killed off”. That means they will no longer will be available for use. This means training employees to use the new systems. This means informing employees they will receive training for the new systems. OH WAIT! This means the development of training for employee training. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GUYS HAVEN’T GOTTEN STARTED ON THIS YET!!!

So, needless to say I have had early mornings and late nights FILLED with idiots and morons.

I love government work! YES!

I feel like one of those black dogs people have been talking about lately. This leads to my intro into…

The kids and I have been discussing the adoption of another dog to keep our “Pooper” company.

Of course none of us agree on what breed of dog we want; I want an Irish Wolfhound, Spawn wants a boxer, and Spawnette wants something she can carry around and bling-out (that is SO not happenin’.)

Anywho, in doing a bit of research because that what we mommies do, I ran across information about a phenomenon called “Black Dog Syndrome”. Has anyone ever heard of this? My brother mentioned it years ago but I had totally forgotten about it. It’s so prevalent that some local animal shelters even advertise it in order to inform the public.

I’m not one to stand on a really talk soapbox but one less “dead dog walking” is awesome in my book.

I think the effort to educate the public is great. So great, in fact, that I’ve included not only stories from reliable sources but links for those of you that have recently considered bringing into their homes a new member of the family.

Articles of Interest:
Time
MSNBC

Resource for available dogs near you!

Thanks for listening, I'll get down off my cardboard box now and get back to work.

Back From Vacation

Just back from a vacation in the Rockies with my man; will update as soon as my work is caught up.....and no one is in my office looking over my damn shoulder! Geez, you'd think I had better things to do than get caught up in my blogosphere!

p.s. If I have to spend one more minute listening to our receptionist gag and throw up as she sits at her desk I'm heading up there to bitchslap her and send her ass home. Come on, do you REALLY think that's what I want to hear as I drink my morning coffee?

Welcome back, Marn, welcome back!

Missed Me, Missed Me, Now Ya Gotta Kiss Me!

So I bet the past two weeks with no word from the Marnster has driven all of my regular readers away in disgust. Bitch ain’t got’s the time fer us we outta here. Well let’s see, things to get you guys caught up on:

· Workin’ the Storms

· Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Bootie’s Surgery

· Sister Sister in Town to Cover My Ass

· Reconciliation With My Man

· Spawn’s Football

· Insurance Coverage for Teenage Boy

· I Love Football

Okay, that about covers the first ten days since I was last here; get the picture of how hectic my life was sans the football? Because come on, everyone has to have a vise or thirteen.

Workin’ the Storms

It sucked. I worked anywhere from twelve to fifteen hours a day. And remember, State Emergency Response covers the entire State of Florida. They get a thunderstorm over Key West and yes, it’s us to the rescue. And can you say it’s been Africa Hot? She’s been spittin’ out storms like a toothless old man with over active mucous membranes standing on the front porch hockin’ loogies at the neighborhood hoodlums. We also offer assistance to neighboring states should they be impacted as well. Guess what? Next big storm they’re gonna deploy me to a staging area instead of “The War Room”. Okay, so that would be cool; I’m not complaining about that.

Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Bootie’s Surgery

Yes folks, I got pictures. If my mother sees this she will be SOOOOO pissed but then again, she has no internet and the only people I can think of that would tell her I posted a post-op picture of her in all of her glory would be my brother or my sister.

(Judy-Judy doing her impersonation of a morphine addict as my brother, Finnie, provides her with a chaser of vodka. Okay, okay, she'd just awakened from surgery and was thirsty. Note the snicker on my brother's face? Yeah, he spilled a bit of water onto Judy-Judy's boobies but she was still doped up so we didn't tell her.)

Judy-Judy’s surgery went well. She’s up and hobbling around with just a cane. However, for those of you that have never been a caregiver of any kind whatsoever, it’s a tough job. My mom wasn’t even sick and she drove me nuts. She’s lucky I love her as much as I do….and I love her BUNCHES…..but washing her hair for her while she was unable to take a shower proved that Shampoo Girl is not an optional career choice for me should I ever decide to get a new job. I soaked myself, my mother, and her friend Pat The Telephone Junkie in three minutes flat. Thank goodness she finally got her stitches out and can bathe herself.

I won’t tell you about her sponge bath; it even scared me.

Sister-Sister in Town to Cover My Ass

My sister arrived Monday night of this week to take over the care of my mother.

I. Love. My. Sister.



(Remarkable how much she resembles Angelina Jolie, isn’t it?)

Reconciliation With My Man

Way back in June, King Dork and I had a bit of a tiff and after three years of long distance relationship struggles, he called it quits. Nine hundred miles DOES tend to put a strain on a romantic relationship and no being able to see each other as often as we liked, irrational insecurities on both sides attacked our over-active imaginations and BAM…..disaster struck.

BUT, I really, really missed my snuggie-wugg’ms.

I caved.

I contacted him, told him I missed him, he missed me too, we talked about what goobers we both were and SHAZZAM….he showed up at my door for Labor Day weekend. Next week we’re meeting in Denver for the WVU/Colorado game. YEA!!!! Sex, football, beer, and no kids. Can you say “YESSSSSS”?

I’m so glad I called this big, bald, tattooed, lovable guy…..



....besides, he’s a Steelers fan so I have to keep him.

Spawn’s Football

Friday August 29th was my son’s first football game of the season. He is the starting left guard and guess what!

Hold on a minute, I’m a bit emotional and my eyes are tearing up; I can’t see to type.

Okay, thanks for being patient with my sentimental ass.

Spawn received his very first personal foul.

I KNOW!!!! He makes a mother proud. A kid from the opposing team said something derogatory so Spawn lifted him up by the front of his jersey and threw him to the ground. I’m in the stands hold up this sign:



I jump up yelling into the face of the guy sitting next to me DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!? THAT’S MY BOY!!! (Pointing proudly at my offspring)

Then I remembered he plays for a Christian school so I quickly sat back down.

I’d like to think the kid said something ugly about me so Spawn felt the need to kick his ass. He neither confirmed nor denied so leave me with my dream, will ya?

Insurance Coverage for Teenaged Spawn

Speaking of Spawn, I contacted my insurance guy to see how much my insurance would increase by allowing Spawn to finally get his regular driver’s license.

I would increase by 400%.

Spawn’s not getting his license any time soon.

I Love Football

Did anyone else cry at the beginning of football season because they were so glad to see it again? None of my family has ESPN because they’re all a bunch of cheap bastards so party at my house on any given game day.

I am a football whore. I really don’t have much to report on here and don’t ask me to recite stats or tell you where any given player is from (that’s Spawn’s job), just leave me alone if there’s a game on TV because I. Love. Football.

Just remember….if you’re coming over to watch a game, bring beer.


There you have it folks, a busy time was had by all. Sister Sister goes home on Sunday, I leave for Denver on Wednesday BUT I will do my best to come a visit all of my long lost friends this weekend and get caught up.

And by the way, I missed you guys, too!

I Got Gas

Thank goodness a friend called and warned me gas prices were hitting the roof; as I stood in line to pay, the lady behind the countered answer the ringing phone and screamed $5.49?!?!?!

Yup, go fill up now if you're low because the lines are long and once a station runs out and is required to get a new shipment, the price could go up as high as $6.00 a gallon.

Ike......you're a dick!