I Suck

Things to do today...

Make these:


Look like this:



What they look like right at this very moment:





All together now……Queen Goob SUCKS!

In a pissy mood because we got these shelving units to organize the garage but the instructions were long gone on how to get the damn things together. Now I know, it doesn't look difficult but in order for the damn things to be seven feet tall you have to put two shorter legs together and the little doobie hickies that are supposed to go into the little holes aren't long enough to hook together. Did you guys get that? I have deficient knobbie thingies.....UGH!!! Think if I pound the dad-gum things with my really big rubber mallet it would work?

It sucks trying to be self-sufficient, ya know? I'm off to find The King to get him to help me with this project as well as the twenty-six page Honey Do list I gave him when he move down two months ago.

I love my man.......

Our Own Bowl Game…..And It Wasn’t In The Toilet

A group of us got together last night to watch the Florida Gators win over the Oklahoma Sooners. I, of course, was wearing my Pittsburgh Steelers sweatshirt so I got a bit of shit over that BUT I’m already preparing for MY game on Sunday. But that’s another story.

Our evening started of with a nice meal which included rolls from Just Bob’s favorite grocery store. This is one of the many reasons we love Publix:

The group congregated at Magillacutty’s house and soon there after the excitement began:

The gangs all here

Ron Cherry SUCKS


MORE COW BELL!!!


Stop farting in my house.....


Oh Yeah!


The Fan Club

All in all it was a fun night for everyone except for King and Bro who are not Gator fans…..they were there for the beer.

Okay, too many beers…


DAMMIT MARNIE DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE!!!

FYI - That was me throwing the gauntlet at my brother - because I posted a picture of him peeing outside he will not only be pissed about the "inappropriate" picture on my blog but he will now be posting really bad 80's pictures of me with HUGE glasses and a REALLY bad perm. I hope you guys appreciate this!

Word Of The Day

Quandary quan·da·ry
Pronunciation: \`kwän-d-rē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural quan·da·ries
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1579

: a state of perplexity or doubt

Dilemma di·lem·ma
Pronunciation: \da-`le-ma also dī-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Late Latin, from Late Greek dilēmmat-, dilēmma, probably back-formation from Greek dilēmmatos involving two assumptions, from di- + lēmmat-, lēmma assumption — more at lemma
Date: 1523

: a problem involving a difficult choice


My sister and I spent an afternoon together last week while my mother was recovering post-op. We had quite a boring time of it as we didn’t want to disturb Mom by turning on the television or talking too loudly. When “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” and I get together we tend to laugh, giggle, snort, and disrupt those around us without even trying. She and I both gave a shot at reading but had a difficult time concentrating on our stories. We put our heads together and wondered what we could do to pass the time. Then lo and behold what did mine eyes reveal? My camera….in my purse….calling out to us to release it from eternal darkness.

So there we are holding this camera and looking evilly into each others eyes. I smirk…..she smirks…..and we start snapping away.

So here’s my dilemma/quandary. Do I post a photo montage of the pictures we took while waiting for Mom to awaken from her anesthetic or morphine induced coma? If I post them will OUR SWEET, PRECIOUS BABY BROTHER, THE PRODIGAL SON, THE FAVORED ONE, THE BANE OF OUR EXSISTANCE tell Mom there are pictures posted of her that make it look as if we were attending her wake? Hmmm? Will he tattle on me? I know “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” won’t nark but will “I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” let our kind, loving, patient, tolerant mother know what I have done?

I shall wait with bated breath to see if “I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” posts a comment letting us know if I should go ahead with the blog post honoring the successful hip replacement surgery of our mother...... or not.

Paybacks....

My neighbor and good friend was going out of town for the holidays to visit with her family in the frozen tundra of New Jersey. She and I both hate boarding our animals and as I was staying home for the holidays I told her not to worry, former vet-tech Moi would be more than happy to take care of her critters while she was away. “Neighbor Lady” has two dogs, Spencer the terrier mix and Lyrica the Hurricane Katrina rescued Doberman, two Rosey Bourkes (Australian Parakeets), a yellow canary, and a fantail goldfish. Not much of a hassle as she is literally right next door.

Unless you count in the fact that the Doberman is crated all day because the small dog is very old and vulnerable and I am half Jewish……or should be due to the size of my guilt gene. This means for me to feel like Lyrica (the Dobie) is getting enough exercise and love I need to let her out to run and chase squirrels at least four to five times a day.

Lyrica has a nervous stomach.

Lyrica was missing her mommy.

Lyrica was pooping or vomiting in her crate four to five times a day.

Queen Goob was not happy.

Queen Goob was doing laundry four to five times a day and this is NOT one of her favorite chores.

But Lyrica is a most fabulous dog so I lovingly cleaned up her messes of vomit and poo, let her out into the yard to chase squirrels, so all was happy and good in my favorite Doberman’s world.

Until, that is, the day her mommy was due to come home. That morning I walked next door in my big fluffy bathrobe with my first cup o’joe of the day and the first book in the Kylar Stern trilogy. I walk through the house and as I drew close to the room in which Lyrica is kenneled the stench of poo got stronger and stronger. Great, more poo to shovel and clean up and I haven’t even finished my first cup of coffee. I switch on the light as the sun has not yet risen and there in the bottom of the kennel I see a buckle and some dog tags. But wait.....where was the collar??? There wasn’t a collar on the floor of the kennel; oh no, Lyrica had somehow removed her nylon collar and eaten every – single – little – tiny – thread possible. Nothing but buckle and tags.

And to top of an already fabulous morning there is shit EVERYWHERE. It’s coating the kennel floor, the kennel wire bars, the lamb’s wool pad she sleeps on. It’s coating the walls, the floor surrounding the kennel, and the TV and wires running along side of the kennel as well. If there was a square inch devoid of poo in the surround vicinity I didn’t see it and believe you me I looked.

So here I am, cup of coffee in hand, poo flung from one side of the room to the other, and a dog that has eaten her collar. And then it hits me…..there is not one piece of that collar pooped out anywhere in all the sludge that is spattered from floor to ceiling.

Crap! Shit! And every other profane word I can think of that involves excrement. What if the collar gets blocked in the dog’s intestines, all her food and poop get backed up in her system AND SHE DIES!!!

ON MY SHIFT!!!

CRAP!!! SHIT!!! My neighbor was due home THAT DAY!

Boy can I tell you I was no longer worried about getting poop stains on my fluffy white bathrobe from that moment on.

Long story short……okay not so short story long……or long story even longer because I don’t know how to explain I’m cutting this long story short…..the dog lived to eventually poop out her fabulous brand new holiday collar and my neighbor wasn’t even upset.

She says that pay backs are hell. This was payback for the time she watched Cooper and when she went to let him out there was a string hanging from his mouth and when she went to remove it from his teeth it kept coming and coming and coming and coming until a HUGE wad of yard was yanked from his throat reeking of stomach acid juice.

Hmmm, maybe she's right, maybe paybacks ARE a bitch!

I’m Back In The Saddle Again

Okay maybe not TOTALLY back in the saddle because I’ve been on “vacation” since the 24th of December. It was a busy holiday what with family in town for ten days, my mother having a hip replaced, kids at home demanding time and taxi service, a neighbor who was out of town and needed me to take care of her animals (there’s a funny story there, folks, don’t let me forget to tell you all about it), a man whom I dearly love that didn’t really want to spend each and every single day with my sister and her family but did because he loves me (I so owe him sexual favors for suffering through those tumultuous times), and a trilogy of books I just happened across at Borders and haven’t been able to put down (I’ll pimp this new and exciting author in just a moment.)

Can you say “WOW”?

No – really – can you say “WOW”?

Now that you know I still love each and every one of you, I’m going to print out this Word formatted document prior to posting on my blog so that I remember to tell you about all of the exciting events that took place these past two weeks. I just need a moment or four hundred and seventy-one to get caught up here at work so I still have a job to come to.

Hmmmm, do I really WANT this job that I come to?

REMINDER TO SELF: Ponder whether or not it would be a good thing if I got fired from my job. Or maybe I could quit and be a stay at home mom. Do stay at home moms get paid? If so, by whom?

Back to the books I’ve been loath to part company with (I currently have the third book in my purse just in case I get to run away from work and read for a moment.) While browsing Borders here in the lovely Florida Panhandle, I stumbled on absolutely nothing while meandering by the “New Releases” display. As I straightened myself up with the hopes that no one saw me (it was two days before Christmas; what the hell was I thinking, of COURSE people saw my clumsy ass….) I glanced to the left and saw this:



How cool is that?!?!?!? This is actually the third in a trilogy about “an assassin’s journey into legend”.

Assassins?

Legend?

Dudes, I am SO ninja so I had to buy all three books for myself for Christmas and haven’t been able to put them down since I started reading them last week. I took them with me when I pottied, I took them with me when I was hangin’ with my sister, I took them with me when I went shopping with the kids at the mall.

“Hi, my name’s Marnie and I’m a Kylar Stern addict.”

“Hi Marnie!”

If you love to read and enjoy escaping reality every once in awhile, I highly recommend picking up these books and blocking off your calendar for a few days….they are WELL worth the time.

AND….they make you dream really cool ninja dreams in which you totally and completely kick ass in order to save the sheep and children wearing highlander clothing…..other story there folks.

Off to get some work done or at least LOOK like I’m working because my boss is due back soon.
For additional information on Marnie’s addiction, go here: KYLAR STERN ROCKS AND I WANT TO BE VI WHEN I GROW UP!!!!

p.s. Yes, I know he's "more than merely ninja" but no one knows but us.

We Are Santa's Elves

We are Santa's elves
Building Santa's shelves
With a toy for each girl and boy
Oh, We are Santa's elves!

We work hard all day
But our work is play
Dolls we try out see if they cry out
We are Santa's elves!

We've a special job each year
We don't like to brag
Christmas Eve we always fill Santa's bag

Santa knows who's good
Do the things you should
And we bet you, he won't forget you
We are Santa's elves!

We've a special job each year
We don't like to brag
Christmas Eve we always fill Santa's bag

Santa knows who's good
Do the things you should
And we bet you, he won't forget you
We are Santa's elves!

Ho Ho Ho, Ho Ho Ho
We are Santa's elves!


Ho HO!

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello!?!?!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

I didn't write this; my SIL e-mailed this to me and had to share. I'm sure most of you have seen it but come on, it's just as funny the first time you read as it is the twenty-first time you read it.