Wednesday, February 18, 2009

JEEZ-MO-NINNIES…What Begins With “J”?

I was tagged!!

Okay, not really, I actually volunteered for this because believe it or not I’ve been having brain-farts lately and having difficulties coming up with shit to write about. Because basically that’s what I write about; life’s big, bowl-filling dumps.
Giggle Pixie previously known as
posted her list of ten things she likes that began with the letter “G”. She indicated that anyone interested could let her know and she would assign a letter.

I volunteered – which I’ve been doing a lot lately. What’s wrong with me? I’ve volunteered for this, I’ve volunteered to help this weekend with the Extreme Make-Over here in town (and not because Ty looks good in jeans, either), I volunteered to work the concession stand at my daughter’s softball games AND I volunteered to work the Special Olympics next month.


I digress….as usual.

So I left a little note for G.P. telling her I would love to join in the fun and she assigns me the letter “J”.


“J” sucks! Besides, Cowguy just did “J” and he stole all the good “J” stuff!

But I promised G.P. so I gave this whole letter thing a shot. It took all morning with my office door shut to come up with this list so I hope ya’ll appreciate it. AND… true Cowguy style I’ve included a picture to enhance my list of crap.
Queen Goob's List Of Ten Things She Likes That Begin With The Letter "J"......

I – LOVE – COFFEE!!!! I love the smell of freshly ground beans, I love the sound of the gurgling pot indicating the coffee is almost done brewing, I love the first sip of the morning, the sip that closes your eyes in ecstasy regardless of the fact it’s only a Tuesday morning and not the weekend. I – LOVE – COFFEE.

2. Jokes
Jokes are awesome. I love things that make me laugh especially when you’re enjoying a beer with a friend just hangin’ out on the back porch and bantering back and forth to see who has the best blonde joke even though the both of you are truly and legally blonde.

3. Juvenile Delinquents
I love things that make me laugh…..wait that was my previous item. Or was it? Juvies are idiots and idiots are fun to make fun of and making fun of stupid people makes me laugh. YUP, I love juvies.

4. Jewelry
Ladies, need I say more?

5. Jamoca Ice Cream Served with Cookie Wafers
I needed to take a moment for myself when I thought of this one. Do you guys have Baskins Robbins Ice Cream? Is it a national company or is it just on the East Coast? If you don’t have it someone should be shot for not sharing. Available since 1956, Jamoca is a specially blended coffee ice cream. Even better is when you have a scoop of chocolate to enhance the Java-ee flavor.
6. Jury Duty
No, I’m not crazy, I really want to serve on a jury but see here’s the thing. Most of my college education is in Law Enforcement with a specialty in Crime Scene Investigation (strike one) that and the fact that many of my instructors are old school, good old boys here in my great southern town (strike two) and a number of friends are within the law enforcement community (strike three) I’ve been called to jury duty but never been chosen to serve.

7. Junk Food
Honey, if I could bathe in Cheezie Poofs, I would.

8. Jumpin' Jehosaphat
Not only is this a great word to randomly yell out while perusing the junk food aisle at Wal-Mart at 2;30 in the morning, but this is the first word that flies from my lips every time I see Dwayne Johnson.


9. Jeans
They do a body good. Jeans are my favorite piece of clothing AND they make rock hard abs and a tight tush look – well, look H-O-T HOT! Throw a little Jamoca on that and I could eat for a week.

10. Jaguars
The 1963 Jaguar E-Type Convertible in British Racing Green OR the 1959 Jaguar XK150 Roadster in Black. Ya’ll can have your Italian sports cars, I’ll stick with the Brits. Just look at those lines, girls. A figure one can be proud of. I know I wouldn’t complain about my vastly budding and expanding ass if it was sitting in one of those!

So there you have my list of thing I enjoy that begin with the letter “J”. Jesus would have been right up there but that was one Cowguy stole along with a MOST fabulous picture that I knew I couldn’t top. I’m not taggin anyone but if you’ve run outta stuff to blog about the same way I have, drop a note in your comment and I’ll ass-ign a letter to ya. Hey G.P., is there a certain rule I need to follow if anyone actually asks to do this?


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Holy Crap, I’m A Mother…..AND A HOUSEWIFE!!!

As many of you know, The King came down to Florida last November and moved in with myself and The Offspring. There have been many adjustments, changes, and fine-tuning of our living arrangements since that time. One of the things I found myself daydreaming about on a regular basis was organization. I shared with you the “purging” of the bedroom, and now I bring you the “reorganization” of the kitchen cabinets.

I know, you guys think I’m crazy…and I probably am…but here’s the thing. I have been in my house between nineteen and twenty years give or take a nightmare or two and I think in all of those years I have cleaned out those cabinets once.


In twenty years.

I don’t know about you but can you imagine how much shit has accumulated and been piled, shoved, pushed, and stacked in the extremely few cabinets I have in my kitchen? You guys know I love football but did I have to bring an average of 2.67 plastics cups home from every – single – football game I attended? And did I have to have a coordinating koozie for every outfit that used to hang in my closet? Okay, maybe I did but I’m over that phase in my life. Did I have to save every single baby plate, spoon, and sippy cup from when my children were but babes? No really, my son drives a redneck four-wheel drive truck; do you think he’s going to go muddin’ drinking from a Playtex spill-proof juice cup? I don’t think so either, even if it DOES have cute widdle ducks all over it.

So for the past two weeks I have been a tad busy. Between getting over a sham of an illness, I have been attending three softball games a week, taking and picking up Spawnette from softball practices, getting two hundred people here at work ready for a two week COOP exercise in the middle of nowhere with nothing to eat but MRE’s thank goodness I’m not going and organizing kitchen cabinets in any spare time I can find. Here is just a sampling of some of the reorganization results.
An example of "before" that I haven't yet cleaned out:

An example of "after" that is one of the few completed:

Don’t roll your eyes and wonder why the hell I posted pictures of my kitchen cabinets, those there are pictures of my blood, sweat, and tears. That shit took HOURS and I’m still not done. Hell, I’m not even half way through and I truly don’t have that many cabinets in my kitchen!

I need a beer….anyone have a koozie to match my black and white Hawaiian sundress? If not, I’ll take one of these:

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This Is Me With Short Hair and A Penis

Would you believe I got sick on Friday and spent the weekend on my ass or wollerin’ on the couch……..or both if you want to get technical.

We did not go to Tampa, we did not pillage the city, and we did not grab some booty (much to The King's chagrin.)

Still recouping and will most likely spend the evening whoring myself over HGTV’s fabulous ideas for remodeling my home.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

ARRRRRR You Ready For The Weekend?

I had the weather channel on this morning because…well…I like to see the weather not only here but all over the country. It makes me happy when it’s 14º here and I’m miserable to witness two feet of snow somewhere else. Knowing the sun will eventually be shining brings a tear of joy to my eye….which froze to my lashes when I kicked the dog out the back door at 6:00 a.m. so that he can go pee. For the record, the dog stuck his head out the doggie door, stood there for about seven seconds, pulled his head back into the house, looked at me like I was a total and complete moron then went back to bed.

I digress.

As ususal.

This morning, while looking at the snow covered hills of everywhere else (South Dakota, Montana, Minnesota, North Carolina, Indiana, etc.) I saw an advertisement for the Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa. If my sister, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTT, would answer her phone already, we’d know if we could invite ourselves to crash at her place.

Cause we’re slackers like that.

It looks like it’s going to be really crowded and I’m not one to allow strangers into my personal space BUT beer and Captain Morgan’s will be available at each and every corner so I’m thinking I may be okay. If I’m able to hijack my mother’s walker to keep the drunkards at bay I may actually enjoy myself. Can you imagine the photo ops there will be in the masses of persistently inebriated individuals clothed in tri-cornered hats and fake peg-legs? Can you? It will be like going back in time and landing upon the shores of Port Royal, Jamaica when John Rackham was plundering other vessels upon the high seas with the hopes of amassing booty. Or would that be am-assing booty? Either way, old Calico Jack boarded one too many sloops and was introduced to the gibbet.

I digress.

As ususal.

So…..after I speaking with SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTT to see if they will be in residence this weekend, I’ll let you know if I will be AWOL this weekend. AWOL and ARRRRRR’ing my ass off.

I look hot, don't I?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Anyone Ever Been To Orfglimt?

Sorry I’ve been AWOL here lately, lots going on but nothing interesting or funny to write about. Or it could be that there were many things to write about I just didn’t feel like writing. Yea, that’s probably it. Let’s see, how about a quick recap of my weekend.


Spawn and his girlfriend represented the eleventh grade at the basketball game as Sweetheart couple for their class – they didn’t win, the seniors did – Spawn pretended he was crying out on the basketball court – mom was giggling. He spent the night at a friend’s after the game to go hog hunting early the next morning.

Spawnette had a friend spend the night as they were partners for the history fair project –they planned out and prepared to finish up the following day – they stayed up late, ate a lot of junk food, and watched scary movies.


Spawnette due at softball field by 8:15 a.m. for pictures and field clean up. Friend stayed at our house to finish writing history project while Spawnette suffered in the cold. Took both to the mall that afternoon because that’s what teenaged girls want to do.

Spawn was home by 10:00 a.m. after “bagging” four hogs. He mowed grass, cleaned room, and then took off for girlfriend’s house.

Both offspring went to Sweetheart Dance and I got to play taxi for Spawnette and friends. YES. I LOVE THAT PART…. At least we ate at a decent restaurant before the dance but the dang thing didn’t end until after 11:00!


I cleaned house and got ready for Super Bowl Party while Spawnette “worked on her history fair board” and cleaned her room. Spawn hung around and offered to help but didn’t want to scrub toilets or clean kitchen. I guess he watched TV and played Wii and Playstation. The King went to the grocery store; my mom came and helped us prepare food for the guests prior to them coming over around 5:00. We ate, watched a FANTASTIC football game (that’s what a Super Bowl Game should be like!!) and after the game and everyone had left I stayed up with Spawnette to make sure the board actually got done. Went to bed around 1:00 a.m. The board looked good……FINALLY!!!

Nope, boring weekend after all, nothing funny or too exciting yet I didn’t have a free minute to come on and visit with friends. I’m going to try and get caught up as quickly as I can but I actually have work to tend to this week so I won’t be able to sneak peeks here, DANG IT! Look for me lurking around your blogs with a comment here or there and know that I wish I were there instead of here.

Do lurkers tell people when they’re lurking or should I have kept the whole lurking thing a secret so that the lurking was done properly?

Sorry I was gone so long, I Googled “lurking” and got sidetracked on “filksinging”. FYI – for any of you filksingers, I’d like a song dedicated to me to include some kind of ninja assassin from the land of Orfglimt, please.

Sunday, February 1, 2009