Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Shopping Made Easy

Step 1 – Find someone that has a sense of humor as sick as yours.

Step 2 – Plan ahead where and when you will meet.

Step 3 – Tell them the front of the mall is unacceptable and you’ll meet at Ruby Tuesday’s because they serve beer before noon.

Step 4 – Meet at designated rendezvous and order two ginormous beers for each of you.

Step 5 – Race to see who can chug their beer faster; this does not frighten you because your shopping companion is a young, single guy who has NO concept what-so-ever of what it takes to raise two teenagers.

Step 6 – Rag your shopping companion relentlessly because he’s a pansy and can’t keep up.

Step 7 – Make your way out into the chaos and destruction of shopping the Saturday before Christmas.

Step 8 – Run back to Ruby Tuesday’s for one more beer because it’s frightening out there.

Step 9 – Who gives a crap, you’ve just chugged three 24 oz. beers and LIFE IS GREAT!

Step 10 – Call your 71 year old mother and slur to her over the phone that “shou neeb a rad homeb”.

Monday, December 17, 2007

God’s Got The Inside Scoop In Football

You have GOT to love the South. Recently my son’s football coach at school was fired after two years of coaching the team to the state Class 1A state final for those two consecutive seasons (Class 1A……we’re kinda small). Why was the coach, an alumni, Heisman Trophy runner-up of 1991, and NFL retiree fired? Well guys, it was “God’s Will”. Yup – that’s the reason this man was fired. No sexual misconduct, no abuse of the kids, no slander, harassment, or surfing of porn on the web. No siree, God told the pastor at the school/church (private Baptist school…..leave me alone) that our much beloved coach had to go. Hmmmm, as the daughter/grand-daughter/niece of very well educated ministers, this pastor must be awfully special. Never once did I ever hear my dad, grand-pa, or uncle tell us that they were special enough to talk directly to God. God must have some spare time on his hands to advise the head of the school who should and should not coach our football team. Maybe if He spent a little less time talkin’ to the pastor we could find the end to world hunger, war, and deviant behavior. WOW, wouldn’t THAT be something! HEY! If the pastor has an in with God, wonder if he could get me a heads up on who’s gonna win the Super Bowl and the name of a good bookie.