Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Publix ROCKS!

Sitting around with some girls this afternoon taking a break from the real world and somehow the subject of commercials came up. Wish I had posted this for Mother's Day....

Hallmark got even higher marks but I couldn't find the one with the retiring teacher....anyone remember that one?

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Power of The Wolf

Man, there are some funny, funny people out there. Click on the shirt and read the reviews....who needs blogs when we have Amazon?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

That Time of Year Again......Oh Darn.

As the Highland Games draw near yet again, I though to myself what better way to celebrate my heritage than to bask in the glory of man. And boy will this girl be baskin'! With the hopes of sharing such joy, I bring to you my list of reasons why I love the native dress of my people.
Thirteen Reasons Queen Goob Loves A Kilt
1. A kilt looks good on anyone.

2. A kilt looks even better on a man.

3. Men with work boots and heavy socks bunched up.

4. I LIKE wearing mirrors on my shoes.

5. A kilt is probably the most masculine article of clothing a man could wear.

6. You don’t have to worry about tearing out the knees or the bum.

7. You can dress them up or go casual, we really don’t care.

8. They come in any color you could possibly conceive.

9. I quote Mel Gibson as William Wallace in Braveheart when I yell …"Freedom!"

10. Who doesn’t like their man going commando?

11. Going commando and everyone knowing it.

12. A kilt provides free air conditioning on those hot summer days.

13. Women LOVE a man in a kilt.

....crap, that makes fourteen, doesn't it?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Our Town Is Famous For....

This guy:

As The King was driving us home from work yesterday he rudely interrupted my phone call to Magillicutty when we happened upon this juic-i-licious specimen of a man at the intersection of St. Augustine and Magnolia. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this beautiful stranger’s lusciousness but each and every time one has the pleasure to gaze upon his splendific physique all rational thought just flies out the window.
At this point I could no longer respond to Magill (which was most likely not a problem as she had taken a couple Valium for a minor surgical procedure and was slurring her words like she’s just had fourteen fillings done and the Novocain hadn’t yet worn off), I could no longer grasp a coherent thought, I could no longer breathe or swallow for fear of taking down that little, tiny bit of vomit that had taken refuge in my mouth.

My mind drew a blank……where was my camera? Could I just hang up on Magill and use my phone to take pictures? What would my mother think if I invited him over for a Fourth of July picnic? SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH…... SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH......what would SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH do?!?!?!? I’ll tell you what SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH would have done, she would have so hug up on Magill, swung an illegal right-hand turn from the left-hand turn lane crossing in front of three car-filled lanes of traffic to boldly follow this dumpling of a guy and asking him to pose so her picture would most assuredly turn out perfect.

My - God - She’s - Good!


I just stayed on the phone and mocked my best friend by making shit up and her believing it because she was two sheets to the wind and high as a kite….besides, I knew I could share a video or two without having to utilize the warranty on my camera due to an exploding lens when it focused upon his ass’s gravitational force.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Fiendly Game of Kickball

Yes, I'm still alive....lots going on; will get you caught up soon.

So we're currently planning another game of kickball to be played by family, friends, and loved ones. Our last game was such fun we've decided to try and make this a semi-regular gathering. Last game we had approximaitely 20 -25 people, one dog, and lots of beer.

Word has gotten out (Thanks to SIL!) and it looks like this game will be jam-packed with moms, dads, kids, dogs, friends, neighbors, and office cronies. In trying to determine exactly what to wear to such a prestigious gathering of individuals, I ran across THIS:

Dude, who wouldn't want to play a game of ZOMBIE KICKBALL?!?!?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Life's Still Busy

So busy that I started a post three days ago and have yet to finish. The King and I went on a roadtrip and spent the weekend with STSLLAJBSDBIDHTNTTH and I - got - pictures. Look for it soon.

In the mean time, you'll find me........

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Under Construction

Busy life, busy kids, busy man......just BUSY!!!

I think of you guys often but life's been - well - it's been busy! I'll post ASAP but for now my brain is currently under construction.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

JEEZ-MO-NINNIES…What Begins With “J”?

I was tagged!!

Okay, not really, I actually volunteered for this because believe it or not I’ve been having brain-farts lately and having difficulties coming up with shit to write about. Because basically that’s what I write about; life’s big, bowl-filling dumps.
Giggle Pixie previously known as
posted her list of ten things she likes that began with the letter “G”. She indicated that anyone interested could let her know and she would assign a letter.

I volunteered – which I’ve been doing a lot lately. What’s wrong with me? I’ve volunteered for this, I’ve volunteered to help this weekend with the Extreme Make-Over here in town (and not because Ty looks good in jeans, either), I volunteered to work the concession stand at my daughter’s softball games AND I volunteered to work the Special Olympics next month.


I digress….as usual.

So I left a little note for G.P. telling her I would love to join in the fun and she assigns me the letter “J”.


“J” sucks! Besides, Cowguy just did “J” and he stole all the good “J” stuff!

But I promised G.P. so I gave this whole letter thing a shot. It took all morning with my office door shut to come up with this list so I hope ya’ll appreciate it. AND… true Cowguy style I’ve included a picture to enhance my list of crap.
Queen Goob's List Of Ten Things She Likes That Begin With The Letter "J"......

I – LOVE – COFFEE!!!! I love the smell of freshly ground beans, I love the sound of the gurgling pot indicating the coffee is almost done brewing, I love the first sip of the morning, the sip that closes your eyes in ecstasy regardless of the fact it’s only a Tuesday morning and not the weekend. I – LOVE – COFFEE.

2. Jokes
Jokes are awesome. I love things that make me laugh especially when you’re enjoying a beer with a friend just hangin’ out on the back porch and bantering back and forth to see who has the best blonde joke even though the both of you are truly and legally blonde.

3. Juvenile Delinquents
I love things that make me laugh…..wait that was my previous item. Or was it? Juvies are idiots and idiots are fun to make fun of and making fun of stupid people makes me laugh. YUP, I love juvies.

4. Jewelry
Ladies, need I say more?

5. Jamoca Ice Cream Served with Cookie Wafers
I needed to take a moment for myself when I thought of this one. Do you guys have Baskins Robbins Ice Cream? Is it a national company or is it just on the East Coast? If you don’t have it someone should be shot for not sharing. Available since 1956, Jamoca is a specially blended coffee ice cream. Even better is when you have a scoop of chocolate to enhance the Java-ee flavor.
6. Jury Duty
No, I’m not crazy, I really want to serve on a jury but see here’s the thing. Most of my college education is in Law Enforcement with a specialty in Crime Scene Investigation (strike one) that and the fact that many of my instructors are old school, good old boys here in my great southern town (strike two) and a number of friends are within the law enforcement community (strike three) I’ve been called to jury duty but never been chosen to serve.

7. Junk Food
Honey, if I could bathe in Cheezie Poofs, I would.

8. Jumpin' Jehosaphat
Not only is this a great word to randomly yell out while perusing the junk food aisle at Wal-Mart at 2;30 in the morning, but this is the first word that flies from my lips every time I see Dwayne Johnson.


9. Jeans
They do a body good. Jeans are my favorite piece of clothing AND they make rock hard abs and a tight tush look – well, look H-O-T HOT! Throw a little Jamoca on that and I could eat for a week.

10. Jaguars
The 1963 Jaguar E-Type Convertible in British Racing Green OR the 1959 Jaguar XK150 Roadster in Black. Ya’ll can have your Italian sports cars, I’ll stick with the Brits. Just look at those lines, girls. A figure one can be proud of. I know I wouldn’t complain about my vastly budding and expanding ass if it was sitting in one of those!

So there you have my list of thing I enjoy that begin with the letter “J”. Jesus would have been right up there but that was one Cowguy stole along with a MOST fabulous picture that I knew I couldn’t top. I’m not taggin anyone but if you’ve run outta stuff to blog about the same way I have, drop a note in your comment and I’ll ass-ign a letter to ya. Hey G.P., is there a certain rule I need to follow if anyone actually asks to do this?


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Holy Crap, I’m A Mother…..AND A HOUSEWIFE!!!

As many of you know, The King came down to Florida last November and moved in with myself and The Offspring. There have been many adjustments, changes, and fine-tuning of our living arrangements since that time. One of the things I found myself daydreaming about on a regular basis was organization. I shared with you the “purging” of the bedroom, and now I bring you the “reorganization” of the kitchen cabinets.

I know, you guys think I’m crazy…and I probably am…but here’s the thing. I have been in my house between nineteen and twenty years give or take a nightmare or two and I think in all of those years I have cleaned out those cabinets once.


In twenty years.

I don’t know about you but can you imagine how much shit has accumulated and been piled, shoved, pushed, and stacked in the extremely few cabinets I have in my kitchen? You guys know I love football but did I have to bring an average of 2.67 plastics cups home from every – single – football game I attended? And did I have to have a coordinating koozie for every outfit that used to hang in my closet? Okay, maybe I did but I’m over that phase in my life. Did I have to save every single baby plate, spoon, and sippy cup from when my children were but babes? No really, my son drives a redneck four-wheel drive truck; do you think he’s going to go muddin’ drinking from a Playtex spill-proof juice cup? I don’t think so either, even if it DOES have cute widdle ducks all over it.

So for the past two weeks I have been a tad busy. Between getting over a sham of an illness, I have been attending three softball games a week, taking and picking up Spawnette from softball practices, getting two hundred people here at work ready for a two week COOP exercise in the middle of nowhere with nothing to eat but MRE’s thank goodness I’m not going and organizing kitchen cabinets in any spare time I can find. Here is just a sampling of some of the reorganization results.
An example of "before" that I haven't yet cleaned out:

An example of "after" that is one of the few completed:

Don’t roll your eyes and wonder why the hell I posted pictures of my kitchen cabinets, those there are pictures of my blood, sweat, and tears. That shit took HOURS and I’m still not done. Hell, I’m not even half way through and I truly don’t have that many cabinets in my kitchen!

I need a beer….anyone have a koozie to match my black and white Hawaiian sundress? If not, I’ll take one of these:

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This Is Me With Short Hair and A Penis

Would you believe I got sick on Friday and spent the weekend on my ass or wollerin’ on the couch……..or both if you want to get technical.

We did not go to Tampa, we did not pillage the city, and we did not grab some booty (much to The King's chagrin.)

Still recouping and will most likely spend the evening whoring myself over HGTV’s fabulous ideas for remodeling my home.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

ARRRRRR You Ready For The Weekend?

I had the weather channel on this morning because…well…I like to see the weather not only here but all over the country. It makes me happy when it’s 14º here and I’m miserable to witness two feet of snow somewhere else. Knowing the sun will eventually be shining brings a tear of joy to my eye….which froze to my lashes when I kicked the dog out the back door at 6:00 a.m. so that he can go pee. For the record, the dog stuck his head out the doggie door, stood there for about seven seconds, pulled his head back into the house, looked at me like I was a total and complete moron then went back to bed.

I digress.

As ususal.

This morning, while looking at the snow covered hills of everywhere else (South Dakota, Montana, Minnesota, North Carolina, Indiana, etc.) I saw an advertisement for the Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa. If my sister, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTT, would answer her phone already, we’d know if we could invite ourselves to crash at her place.

Cause we’re slackers like that.

It looks like it’s going to be really crowded and I’m not one to allow strangers into my personal space BUT beer and Captain Morgan’s will be available at each and every corner so I’m thinking I may be okay. If I’m able to hijack my mother’s walker to keep the drunkards at bay I may actually enjoy myself. Can you imagine the photo ops there will be in the masses of persistently inebriated individuals clothed in tri-cornered hats and fake peg-legs? Can you? It will be like going back in time and landing upon the shores of Port Royal, Jamaica when John Rackham was plundering other vessels upon the high seas with the hopes of amassing booty. Or would that be am-assing booty? Either way, old Calico Jack boarded one too many sloops and was introduced to the gibbet.

I digress.

As ususal.

So…..after I speaking with SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTT to see if they will be in residence this weekend, I’ll let you know if I will be AWOL this weekend. AWOL and ARRRRRR’ing my ass off.

I look hot, don't I?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Anyone Ever Been To Orfglimt?

Sorry I’ve been AWOL here lately, lots going on but nothing interesting or funny to write about. Or it could be that there were many things to write about I just didn’t feel like writing. Yea, that’s probably it. Let’s see, how about a quick recap of my weekend.


Spawn and his girlfriend represented the eleventh grade at the basketball game as Sweetheart couple for their class – they didn’t win, the seniors did – Spawn pretended he was crying out on the basketball court – mom was giggling. He spent the night at a friend’s after the game to go hog hunting early the next morning.

Spawnette had a friend spend the night as they were partners for the history fair project –they planned out and prepared to finish up the following day – they stayed up late, ate a lot of junk food, and watched scary movies.


Spawnette due at softball field by 8:15 a.m. for pictures and field clean up. Friend stayed at our house to finish writing history project while Spawnette suffered in the cold. Took both to the mall that afternoon because that’s what teenaged girls want to do.

Spawn was home by 10:00 a.m. after “bagging” four hogs. He mowed grass, cleaned room, and then took off for girlfriend’s house.

Both offspring went to Sweetheart Dance and I got to play taxi for Spawnette and friends. YES. I LOVE THAT PART…. At least we ate at a decent restaurant before the dance but the dang thing didn’t end until after 11:00!


I cleaned house and got ready for Super Bowl Party while Spawnette “worked on her history fair board” and cleaned her room. Spawn hung around and offered to help but didn’t want to scrub toilets or clean kitchen. I guess he watched TV and played Wii and Playstation. The King went to the grocery store; my mom came and helped us prepare food for the guests prior to them coming over around 5:00. We ate, watched a FANTASTIC football game (that’s what a Super Bowl Game should be like!!) and after the game and everyone had left I stayed up with Spawnette to make sure the board actually got done. Went to bed around 1:00 a.m. The board looked good……FINALLY!!!

Nope, boring weekend after all, nothing funny or too exciting yet I didn’t have a free minute to come on and visit with friends. I’m going to try and get caught up as quickly as I can but I actually have work to tend to this week so I won’t be able to sneak peeks here, DANG IT! Look for me lurking around your blogs with a comment here or there and know that I wish I were there instead of here.

Do lurkers tell people when they’re lurking or should I have kept the whole lurking thing a secret so that the lurking was done properly?

Sorry I was gone so long, I Googled “lurking” and got sidetracked on “filksinging”. FYI – for any of you filksingers, I’d like a song dedicated to me to include some kind of ninja assassin from the land of Orfglimt, please.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

Hell Hath Frozeth Over

Wow, two posts in one day? What, has the world come to? Has hell frozeth over? Has the sky fallen and Henny Penny died before she could let us all know?

Nah, but I saw this video today and laughed so hard; I just knew my friends would enjoy it, too.

By the way, I'm the guy in the light blue shirt....

Since I'm Already Going To Hell.... Why Not Get A Good Spot

Jesus is a Steelers Fan!!!!!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dial Zero For The Operator

For those of you that know me, I’m a fairly anal-retentive person that has little rituals, habits, and schedules that I follow on a daily basis. For example, every morning I wake up to my alarm clock SCREAMING for me to hit the snooze button. After an additional nine minutes of sleep I crawl out of bed, drag myself to the coffee pot, and hook up my morning IV. I then make a cup of coffee for Spawnette and head to the other side of the house. I awaken Spawn, who fixes his own breakfast, then creep into Spawnette’s room to leave her cup of coffee and awaken the dead….there’s more BUT you get the idea that this is a habit that I follow each and every day.

Last night I forgot to set the alarm clock. I can’t remember the last time I forgot to set the alarm clock. Sometimes I even set the alarm clock on my days off. WHO DOES THAT???


So this morning as I rolled over to see how many more nanoseconds of sleep I had left I read the clock and shot straight up realizing it was already 40 minutes past the time I should have arisen. I knew I wasn’t going to make it to work on time so I grabbed my phone so that I can call a co-worker and inform her I wasn’t going to be sitting prettily in my ergonomic office chair at 7:30 a.m. and ask that she please indicate on the dry-erase board I was going to be a few minutes late.

Now before I continue with my story, grab your cell phone, okay?

Got it?

Cool. Here’s my phone pictured below:

I love my phone, it TOTALLY kicks ass!

I proceed to dial the main number to the office and wait for the electronic message indicating I could dial my party’s extension or press “1” to dial by name. I don’t call my co-workers on the phone. When I need to speak to someone in the office I either holler out the door or I walk to their office for a little chit-chat. I don’t know “my party’s extension” so I hit “1” so that I may start dialing by name.

Here’s is where my dilemma came to fruition; answer me this, what’s your last name? Look at your phone and pretend you were prompted to dial an extension by typing your last name. I’ll use my last name as an example…..glace at the picture above and dial the name “FLANIGAN”.

People, the last name I was dialing did NOT correspond with the telephonic number keypad!!!! I couldn’t remember what letter coincided with what number! I’m frantically running around the house trying to find the landline telephone so that I can look at it while I try and dial my party’s last name. I’m typing letters and numbers until the face of my phone screen is totally and completely full. All of the sudden I hear a voice.

It’s calling out to me.

It’s faint but I hear it.

It’s asking……if it can help me.

Where the hell is this voice coming from?!?!?

I lift the phone to my ear and there she is – the “0” operator.

“OhmygoshI’msosorryIwasdialinginyourearmyphonehasakeyboardinsteadofjustnumbersandIcouldn’trememberwhichnumberwentwithwhatletterandIpanicedandjuststartedpressinglettersandnumbersandI’msosorryIwasdialingsolonginyourear.” I exclaim into the phone.

“Can I help you?”

“Yes please, will be kind enough to connect me to ‘the lady in my office that has the same birthday as me?’” I humbly ask.

“Her extension is 3812; please hold while I connect you.”

……as soon as I got to the office this morning I walk to the other side of the building so that I could apologize to the very nice young lady that had the misfortune of being the first operator in the office today.

She was very understanding – as soon as she saw how blonde and old I am.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Hey There Buddy....Whatcha Packin'?

Does your significant other do the same thing mine does? When you ask a simple question, for example “How was your day?”, you get the typical “Fine,” thrown back in your face. I know, I hate that too. I would even love for him to make up a story every once in a while just to bring some excitement into my day.

King Dork returned home on Monday after a long weekend spent in Ohio with family and friends. I asked how his trip was and he responded “I almost missed my flight but you already know that.” Why yes I do considering you called and woke me up at 5:30 a.m. He called to ask me to look on his itinerary to see what airline he was flying. He had gone to the Delta counter but they couldn’t find him. Same thing at the Northwest, Continental, and Southwest airline counters as well. I booted up the handy-dandy laptop, pulled up the e-mailed itinerary, and promptly informed him of his airline, flight time, and flight number.

“Thanks Honey!! Can’t wait to see you!!”

Yesterday King Dork cc’d me on an e-mail he sent to his mom in which he told her about his trials and tribulations of his travel home to Florida from Ohio. He didn’t include all the good stuff when he told me he “almost missed his flight”.…I’ve left most of his message intact:

“Brother” sent a birthday present for you. I wish he would have mailed it since it really caused issues at the security check at the airport. It was ok; I had one heck of an ordeal getting to my plane to come home, though.

First of all I woke up a little late, not real late though, just late. I showered and dressed, got out on the road a little later than I wanted but still had plenty of time. I went to the gas station to fill the rental with gas.

It wouldn't fill.

The darn nozzle kept cutting out anytime a good flow of gas started. I tried multiple positions of the dispenser but nothing worked. So, after literally squeeze squeeze squeeze, I was able to get about 6 gallons into it and then it dawned on me, why don't I try another pump. I went to another pump and sure enough same thing however, this time after fooling with it some, I was able to get a small stream to continuously flow through it. Less than a gallon into it, it started spewing out of the hole you fill. So I turned it off and said the heck with it, it’s full enough... even though I know the tank wasn't full.

I drove to the airport and of course at 5:20 in the morning there’s no one to check the rental car in. So, I turned the keys in at a drop box with the hope they won't overcharge me. I then move on to the airport and arrive at the Delta counter. The auto check-in cannot find my itinerary. I ask about a flight and inadvertently give a wrong departure time, my bad, and of course he replies telling me nothing goes to Atlanta at 6:22. My flight was at 6:10.

So I got to Northwest to see if I am on that flight. NOPE.

Go to Continental, NOPE.

Go to US Air, NOPE.

Did I mention that I never printed out my itinerary? So, I call Marnie and wake her up pleading for help. She boots her computer and finds out it is a Delta flight that I am on... So now its 5:45 and I have a 6:10 flight. YIKES they should be boarding RIGHT NOW!!!!

I run back, ok fast walk for me, to the Delta counter and luckily get one of the ladies to help me. Within minutes I have my boarding pass then ask her if I have enough time to make the flight, she responds with “Yes, you should.” I hurry like a herd of turtles to the security gate and ask the guy there validating your ID to your itinerary if I can go through the VIP line as my flight leaves shortly and I want to make sure I don’t miss it. He said yes since my time was so close so I go through the VIP line, get my bag, laptop, and all of the other stuff I have on the conveyor. I get through and the guy is holding my bag up, “Whose bag is this?”


I respond stating it’s mine.

“I need to look at something in it,” he says. I don't want to give your present away, but let’s just say what you are getting resembles C-4 explosives, Howitzer casings, large projectiles, rifle grenades and/or anti-tank mines when viewed in the security x-ray machine.


So the guy asks if he can examine the bag….uhm, can I really say NO? SURE! Go ahead look in there; take a look-see at my dirty underwear and clothing! Go for it!

He finds your birthday present in the box it came in and took it out. Since the box is taped, he hunts for something to open it with....HUNT HUNT HUNT…and I’m thinking “Hey man, I’m in a hurry here, can you speed it up???” I look for my keys but cannot find them. I look for anything to assist but can find nothing because oh wait, I’m in line at security and they have everything I own INCLUDING my dirty underwear. Finally the security guy finds scissors. He opens the box up and proceeds to swab your gift down. “Oh, I need to run this and your carry-on bag through the scanner again.”


So the guy runs everything through the scanner one last time and guess what? Yup, it all checks out now. “Do you want me to wrap your present back up?” he asks.

UHM NO!!! I’ll take care of it, THANKS I think as I politely tell him “No, thank you.”

I quickly throw everything back into the bags and turtle herd it down six gates, three newsstands, and two restaurants to where my gate is. I come around the corner and SAINTS BE PRAISED, the door is still open. SWEET!! So winded I step up and ask if I may board. The lady responded, “Of course you can.” I get on the plane, find my seat, put my stuff away, and say a lucky prayer as I wasn't the last one on the plane. One other guy followed me. So no one can blame me for the plane departing late.

Oh, I forgot to mention that it had snowed most of Sunday and part of Monday so guess what had to be done before we could take off - we had to de-ice the plane!


However, once we got into the air the rest of my trip improved. Had enough time to make the connector and was delayed a bit due to fog in Atlanta but we were able to take off and get home just 16 minutes later than scheduled. :) Ok, that got a lot longer than I had anticipated, but I think you will find humor out of it.

Wow…..did you see how much he wrote his mom? No really, did you SEE HOW MUCH HE WROTE HIS MOM?!?!? I think next time I ask him about his day I’ll request the turtle herd version.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Bee’s Bizarre/Weird WTF-Was-I-Thinking Picture Day

Bee over at Bee’s Musings had a fun little activity she invited her readers to join in on. Post a photo you took that you wanted to blog about but never did.


First I would like to share with you just how many photos I have in my picture folder:

Click on the picture if you can’t read the small writing. Yes folks, I have 19,697 files to chose from. WHAT?!?!? Yea, I usually have two to three cameras in my purse on any given day SO this makes for a more difficult activity than I’m thinking Bee was planning.

How to choose what picture from so many…..I have a photo blog that I used to post pictures on on a regular basis but as not many people were visiting I stopped posting so often. Do I post a funny picture? A pretty one? A nature photo? One of my kids? Obviously the list goes on and on and on and…well, you get “the picture.”

So in an effort to keep this current post as short as possible I initially narrowed it down to fifteen. As I’m sure you don’t want to see all of those photos, I had to take a moment, drink a cup of coffee and narrow it down again. Below are photos I took – may have even posted on the photo blog – but never wrote anything about them:

This one was taken of “Polamalu Roethlisberger.” That’s not her real name BUT as I was her mother’s birthing partner and she was due Superbowl Sunday three years ago, the name kinda stuck. Aren’t kids great? This is a perfect shot of how funny they think they are which in turns ALWAYS makes the grown-ups laugh. But alas, this picture’s not weird or strange enough so I had to search some more.

Kids….so they’re not always funny. These are a couple of shots I took of my kids for my Crime Scene Photography class a few years ago. This was a fun activity for all three of us; I got to pretend I was killing off my kids and they got to pose as dead people. This is also a great way to live the fantasy of “offing” your kids when they become teenagers and smart mouth you when all you asked them to do was take out the garbage. My professor had kids; I got an “A” in his class.

Since most of the photos I keep are kinda “artsy”, I dug around until I found one that was a bit more spontaneous than the others. I love my dog. I’m usually the only one in the family that feeds him, bathes him, brushes him, the works. This one was taken in an effort to remind my kids to make sure he has fresh water every morning before they leave for school. I printed it out and hung it for them to see and remind them how to fill his water bowl because he likes it fresh and cold.

Here we have a picture of my cell phone next to a hamburger. Why??? I think it was to illustrate just how big this friggin’ hamburger is. But really, who gives a crap about how big my lunch was? Do I really want all of you to see what a total and complete pig I am? Why not include the French fries and gravy off to the side that I know was sitting there as well. Yes people, dip your fries in a white gravy and you’ll SMACK your momma it’s so good!

Ya’ll know I live in the south but come on, what did I think I was gonna do, have this picture as my desktop? EEWWWWW! This is a close up of pig’s feet. “Ya’ll wunt sum?”

Why did I take a close up picture of pig’s feet? Well, I most likely wanted to illustrate what my brother was head down, face first in here:

He came in second place at the annual Redneck Games ONLY because his bucket sprung a leak and they wouldn't disqualify the first place winner for not having enough teeth.
Well folks, there you have it. I know they weren’t as funny as Bee’s BUT I promise to take some more in the hopes she does this again real soon. Heck, I could do this for the next (hold on let me grab my calculator…..) I could do this for the next 54+ years and not run out of pictures!

Can’t wait to see yours!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I May Not Be Able To Stomp The Yard But I Can Stomp A Roach

Spawnette and I have taken up a new type of entertainment. As a single mom, cheap entertainment is always the best kind; she and I are reality TV junkies. WAIT; don’t stop reading just because we have lowered ourselves to the very depths of Dante’s sixth circle where those of us are strongly at variance with the accepted opinion that she and I are not the coolest of cool.

Because we are.

This nightmare I speak of….well it would have been if you were there….all started when Spawnette was flipping through the channels and stumbled across Mario Lopez hosting “Randy Jackson Presents: America’s Best Dance Crew!” (Don’t forget the exclamation point!) I’m not much of a dance show connoisseur, I don’t do that whole “Dancing With The Stars” thing, but when a girl like me catches a glimpse of a man/boy like this all hell breaks loose in Cougar World.

So there I am, chopping away at onions and garlic for my noodles Florentine in a light cream sauce when it hits me from behind. The thomping. The stomping. I can’t keep my feet still. There are men all over the television screen gyrating and moving making the most hypnotic beat I’ve ever heard.

Spawnette and I immediately began to duel in the middle of the kitchen floor and if I don’t say so myself I R-O-C-K. Throw in a little hambone and we were ready for the next crew:

By the time I was through showing Spawnette who da boss was she was sweating up a storm and I was looking for my first place trophy.

Hey, you wanna throw down? Cause I be flippin’!

Friday, January 23, 2009

I Need A Catnap

That's my Joshua sleeping

Crazy busy at work.

Crazy busy at home.

Haven't had a free minute to myself in quite a few days.

Leah posted some very good blogging rules; one of which I am breaking right now. Why is it our children wait until the very last minute to do their homework assignments. Homework assignments given to them WEEKS in advance. When I go home at night I like to relax, read a book, speand time surfing the web, go to bed early; any number of things other than running to Walgreens to get index cards because you "have to have them tonight because this is due tomorrow...." Next up is a history project due in two weeks that was assigned before the holidays. Has anything been done? According to her it has but to me the accumulation of three resources is not enough to count towards a history project that has to look like this:

Only twice as tall, like this:

Good thing for me the kids will be with their dad this weekend so that HE can be in charge of making sure things get done.

Oh wait, he won't do that because "that's not fun."

Guess I'll be busy next week as well.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hospital Decorum

I received a call from my sister, “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her”, letting me know that Mom’s surgery went well and that they were in a recovery room awaiting to be moved to a hospital room for the duration of Mom’s stay. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH was bored and was wondering how soon it would be before I went to the hospital to sit with her in utter and total boredom because come on, who wants to be bored alone?

I changed out of my flamingo pajamas and into more appropriate clothing, grabbed my current Kylar Stern book, threw some snacks into my duffle bag posing as a purse, and headed out to the hospital just moments from my home. When I arrived I found that they had already moved Mom to her room so I wound my way up to the fifth floor and found where they had dumped her. As I walked in the room, I noticed the blank stare upon my sister’s face.

“DUDE!!!! What is up?” I whispered.

She swings around to face me and groans, “Oh. My. Lord….I am so glad you’re here! You have no idea how bored I am!”

I gently reminded her that I had been in that same pair of shoes just three months earlier so yes, I DID know how bored she was. The only difference, and it was a big one, was that I had to do it alone so SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH must owe me a six pack for my suffering. She relented because, well, because she’s nicer than I am.

As Mom was still asleep we thought it best to remain as quiet as we possibly could. This is not an easy thing when the two of us get together but we did our very best…for Mom. We pulled out our books and tried to read for about four minutes. We rearranged Mom’s bedside table for maximum usage so that she could grab what she needed after we left. We read for another three and a half minutes, twiddle our thumbs, squirmed in our seats, and finally realized this whole quiet thing was more difficult than anticipated. We looked around for things to amuse us and then there…right before our eyes…we – saw – this!
There it was, sitting prettily in my purse, my camera. I looked at SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she looked at me and both of us started to giggle. Now the two of us giggling in itself can cause a great deal of ruckus because I snort when I laugh really hard and her laugh is the antithesis of subtle.

First we had to make sure our giggling didn’t awaken Mom.
Whew cause quite frankly we were loud.

First I made her pose.
Then she made me pose.
(Anyone else notice that the hospital hung the picture above the bed upside down?)

I’m snorking, she’s sniggering, both of us making WAY too much noise.
“CRAP, did we wake her up?” I desperately try to whisper.

“OMG…….do you think she’s dead? Go poke her and see if she wakes up.”

“I’m not poking her YOU poke her.”

“No YOU poke her!”

“No YOU poke her!”

“I’m not poking her but I see her breathing so we’re still good….WHEW!” we both sigh in relief.

“HEY! I see you got a pedicure recently, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, that looks good? Who does your toes?”

“Leilie over at Joe’s place, didn’t she do a good job?”
“Wait, that one’s blurry, show me again,” I ask of her.

“Hooker red looks good on you!”

“I know,” she replies

More snickering and giggling….. and then she shh’s me! SHE SHH’S ME!

“SSHHHHH, you’re gonna wake her up!” She insists.

“SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she hasn’t moved in like forty-five minutes, I think we’re safe,” I grumble.

“Hey SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, you know how our teenaged daughters take pictures of themselves for Facebook? I’m gonna do a self portrait just for you, ‘kay?”

SHIT!!! The flash is still on! I blinded myself! Holy Toledo, I really need to pluck my brows.”

SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH grabs the camera and tells me I’m a reject and that she can do better.

LOL – the flash is still on…..and she calls me a reject!

“Do it again! Do it again!” I appeal in the quietest voice I can manage.


“OOHHHHH, you’re good!” I tell her. “Here, let me! Let Me!” I insist.
“I turned the flash off! Crap!”
“I’m not doing it right.”
By now we’re laughing so hard the nurses passing the room outside in the hallway are looking in to see what’s going on. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH and I are holding our noses while laughing so as not to make too much noise. This makes us spray spittle all over the place which makes us laugh harder.

“SSHHHHH!!!! She’s gonna wake up!!!” I inform my sister.

Not while she’s on morphine we won’t!

With stomachs hurting from laughing too hard we quietly….or NOT so quietly…put away the camera with the hopes of recovering our decorum.
But not for long!