Thursday, May 22, 2008

Thursday Thirteen - Thirteen Reasons I Haven’t Been Blogging Lately

  1. No internet at home……I know, sacrilege
  2. I’ve had a horrific stomach virus for almost a week that’s kept me down and out
  3. I have developed lateral epicondylitis from too much research
  4. Okay, okay I got tennis elbow from surfin’ the web
  5. My neighbor and I went through the alcohol and chocolate in less than two days
  6. See number two
  7. I’ve been spring cleaning and have only ¼ of the house finished. As I’ve been in the house for over eighteen years there is a LOT of purging going on
  8. Catching up at work after being out for most of the week
  9. End of the school year parenting duties….and I really hate being nice to the hypocrites that swarm amongst themselves spouting what good Christians they are while shunning the new people. I have become a crusader. Call me Joan.
  10. Spring football. Thank you baby Jesus, A-men.
  11. I’ve been really tired lately and by the time I get home the urge to write has bound and gagged itself and to perilously dangle upside-down from my rooftop
  12. My neighbor’s sister gave me two Publix bags full of books; I haven’t finished the first bag yet
  13. The lateral epicondylitis is actually a bit painful and as I am a single mom that doesn’t get enough sympathy I’m milking this for all it’s worth

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I'm Thinking Of Moving Again

What do you think of my "new home"?

Quaint, isn't it?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Let The Games Begin

I FINALLY got a treadmill. I have been diligently trying to obtain a treadmill for the last three weeks as I have at last reach that special point I my life in which I have no other choice but to actually exercise to lose my winter hibernation excess fat.

Okay, I’m going to tell you a few unknown things about myself in order for you to better understand what a red-letter day this is for me.

1. I’m a single mom
2. Of teenagers
3. That have way to many things in their agendas
4. I’m lazy
5. I enjoy eating, love food, and have no fears what-so-ever of becoming anorexic
6. The word “diet” is DIE with a T at the end and I – love – life
7. There are always other more important things on my plate than exercise
8. Like reading a book in a comfy chair on the back porch
9. Or Heroes or Survivor or any Law and Order show I can possibly find
10. Unless it’s the weekend then I’ll have the SciFi Channel on
11. I’m lazy
12. My man is a really big guy so it takes longer for me to feel over weight
13. I wear boy shorts and t-shirts so it’s covered pretty well
14. Okay, okay…..I’m lazy!

I brought the torture devise home Monday night. It was being hosted by Merlee Odell and she told me to “cum git that thang ‘cause it’s a jest settin’ thar not gittin’ used up.” (She’s a lot of fun to have a conversation with; especially after a beer or four.) I picked up my rather large spawn from football practice, loaded him up in the Expedition, and off we went to Merlee’s house. Now, Merlee’s son, Cletus, is spawn’s best friend. Cletus and spawn were both in their football gear and if you don’t have a child that plays football take heed – do NOT let them take off their shoes and/or socks, put their duffle bag too close to you, give you a hug, or any combination there of while you are in the car for more than you can hold your breath. You think tomcat pee smells bad? Nothing….its’ NOTHING compared to football practice sweat socks.

I digress.

As I was saying, Spawn and I picked up the devise of suffering and brought it into the house. I parked it in my bedroom for a couple of reasons: one - it’s the only room that has any space and two - it’s the only room that has any space. You all have met my dog, Cooper. Cooper is not a small dog. However, when Mommy put that mean monster in her room, Cooper was afraid to come visit. So he sat outside my room and whined. Then he whined some more. And he finished his tirade with a big sign and the dropping of his head onto his front paws while staring at me dejectedly.

I digress yet again, sorry.

I go over my list of things I need to exercise:

Water? Check!
Cell phone? Check!
Towel? Check!
All remote controls that I could possibly need during the next hour? Check!

And we’re off. Okay, raise your hand if you haven’t exercised in the past week. I see quite a few of you out there. Okay, raise your hand if you haven’t exercised in the past month. Magillicutty? I see there are still a lot of you out there. How about raising your hand if you haven’t exercised in the past three years. Oh look, I’m not the lone surviving apathetic loser. You other apathetic losers alone know where this is going. You understand the torturous hell my mind, body, and soul suffered at the hands of Pro-Form “The World’s Number One Fitness Brand”. Sure you’re number one, and the company is run by the Marquis de Sade.

Digress? Me?

I step up on the runner thingy, pop that green little plastic thing-a-ma-bob into the slot, twist the whozits and I’m off. Look! I’m trucking! This is awesome! Wait, let me take a sip from my water bottle because that’s what all the cool girls do. I know, I know, you’re getting a bit winded but that’s okay we’re in this together. My Lord look how time flies when you’re working out. WOW, can I really be this tired already? After only seventeen minutes? Am I done yet? Just make it until the next commercial break then we can quit. Dang, there’s a commercial now. I gotta do this a bit longer. Drink some more water, you can do this. Greaaaaaat, now I gotta pee. “SON! CAN YOU GET ME MORE WATER?” Why did I ask for more water? I have to pee. But I’m thirsty, really, really thirsty. My lips are dried and cracking just thinking of that water. What’s taking him so long? Come on you guys, Gibbs, McGee, Abby knows what she’s doing, listen to her! Dang, I gotta pee bad. Look, I’ve already been on here twenty-one minutes of the hour I wanted to do. Don’t see that happening. SON…..DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!? I NEED WATER! Crap, my shoe’s untied. Work it! Work it! Look, thirty-nine minutes and fifty-seven seconds, you can make it… forty minutes. DONE!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A Chick Flick Moment

Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to read is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. I’ve taken a few liberties…okay, I’ve taken a lot of liberties with the story but it is still based on actual events.

It was a sultry night with not a cloud in the sky or a breeze in the air to bring a reprieve from the oppressive heat. Merlee Odell flew out of her house letting the screen door slam closed behind her. She’d had enough. Three years of waiting for that moron to come to his senses. Three years of patience, mollycoddling, determination and for what? Nothing, nada, zilch.

Dressed in her favorite Nick and Nora sock monkey night-shirt and not a stitch more, she stormed to her car with the manila envelope clasped in her hand slicing the air at her side. Yanking open the door of her 1981 powder blue Oldsmobile Cutlass she starts mumbling under her breath the beginnings of a six mile tantrum, “That stupid, no good son-of-a bitch. I can’t beLIEVE he’s such a piece of shit. He knew I was at my fuckin’ wits end and he tells me WHAT?!?! He loves me but he doesn’t love me? What kind of stupid, idiotic, stupid, stupid shit is that?”

Throwing the car in reverse she pulled out of the drive with such force the side of her home was pelted with pebbles and dirt. “Great, now the son-of-a-bitch is making me hose off the house because it wouldn’t be muddy if he wasn’t such a complete and total ass!”

After almost coming to a complete stop at three stop signs and not quite running two red lights, she finally arrived at her destination. Hurling open the driver’s side door at the same time she threw the car in park she marched to the front door and proceeded to ring the doorbell emitting a continuous stream of dings and dongs into the quiet evening air.

The door flew open and before the lying, placating, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings” bullshit starts spewing forth like a stream of projectile vomit she slammed the envelope into his chest and says “I’ve held on to these papers way too long waitin’ for your indecisive ass to make up your mind. I made it up for you. Sign these and notarize these then file ‘em with the court. You want a divorce? You got it, you slack-ass piece of shit!”

Turning on her heel she stomped back to her car and spun out of his drive in reverse as if the fires of hell are racing towards her. Squealing into drive she leaves enough rubber on the road to glove the entire staff of the local hospital.

Suddenly, two hundred yards down the street she realized she’s having difficulty seeing. “SHIT! I can’t believe that fucker is making me cry! AGAIN! Shit I can’t see……FUCK!” Blindly reaching for the console she doggedly searched for a tissue, a used napkin, something to wipe her eyes with. “CRAP!” Not wanting to lift her night-shirt to wipe away her angry tears letting the entire neighborhood see she is no longer the perking young woman she once was, she thankfully came to a halt at the red light four blocks down the bastard’s street. Leaning over to pop open the glove compartment she pleaded under her breath for anything…..anything to wipe her eyes. Buried amongst the maps, receipts, screwdriver, tire pressure gauge, and Midol she found what she had been praying for. She quickly removed the plastic wrap and blotted her tear-filled eyes. “Holy shit, these pads are REALLY absorbent! And look, it removed all of my mascara without smudging!”

Picking up her phone she hit *8 impatiently waiting for the ringing call to be answered. “Marnie, I just dropped of the divorce papers to that bastard and I’m drivin’ along and I’m cryin’ and I got nothin’ to wipe my eyes with and I know I’m gonna die because I can’t see the road in front of me and you know what? I found a maxi pad to wipe my eyes and it really works and I’m thinkin’ I have SO got to call Marn because this is such a chick flick moment.”

“You okay?” Marnie asked

“I will be after I finish that bottle of Moscato Allegro” Merlee Odell replied.

“What kind is it?” Marnie curiously inquired.

“I already told you.” Merlee Odell muttered into the phone “It’s that real sweet stuff you know I like.”

“No, Merlee, what kind of maxi pad was it?”

“Oh! Well now, I guess that would be Always if my memory serves right.”

Marnie relied with a snicker, “You may wanna switch to Stayfree”.

This story is dedicated to Weiner; she knows how much I love her!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Dun Dun Dun Duh Duh Dut

(Stealthily peeks around the corner while humming the theme song to Mission Impossible)

I snuck in here to say “HEY YA’LL”! I miss you guys and hope to be back soon. Going to try and post this weekend with the help of alcohol and chocolate bribery across the street at my best friend, Magillacutty’s house.

A big THANKS to Mamabird; I am so excited about my Maidenform win!

Hugs and much love for a most fabulous Mother’s Day!

Monday, May 5, 2008

A Forced Sabbatical

Hello Friends,

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I bring you this news: I must take a forced sabbatical from blogging. I will not have access to the internet for at least a month BUT will do my best to go to friend's or neighbor’s homes and provide home-made chocolate chip cookies for a moment or two of internet access so that I may check in every once in a while. If all else fails, I should be able to check my e-mail a couple of times a week so if you have a heart (a heart that actually works and isn’t frozen from lack of use) just pop in and say “Hey Marn”.

I’m really gonna miss you guys! TONS!