Friday, June 22, 2007

June 22, 2007

June 22, 2007

Thank you Baby Jesus, A-men.

One week from today I will be on the road headed north toward the Buckeye State to spend a week with my man. As the big guy is not actually thrilled that I will be driving 946 miles to see him instead of flying, I thought I would do the kind and considerate thing and alleviate as much fear from him that I possibly could prior to hitting the road. See, I’m sweet like that. So anywho, I made an appointment this morning to drop of my ve-hicle (southern pronunciation inserted here) “Gawaine” for his annual check-up i.e. tires rotated, oil changed, fluids and belts checked, etc. In order to arrive safely at work this morning I made arrangements to be picked up at the service station by none other than my mother, Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Booty. Well, at 70 years of age, my mother’s driving skills are, shall we say, a bit archaic. First of all, I have worked at the same office complex for roughly eight years. My mother has lived in the same town as I for all of those eight years. So why is it when I jump in her car she asks while I’m fastening my seatbelt…...“What’s the best way to get there from here?” We do not live in a vast metropolitan area; this is at best a large town. A town that during the summer months the population drops approximately 50% as our main source of income stems from two state universities, one community college, and state legislation. Hello Judy-Judy! This is not a $64,000.00 question. In fact, there are at best three possible routes: a good one, a bad one, and an “avoid it at all costs” one. Judy-Judy chose to go with the route behind curtain number four. Now picture if you will a town’s road system that was largely designed by a group of men from ADDA, the National Attention Deficit Disorder Association. We have enough one-way roads here in our lovely town to confuse even the most experienced of drivers. “This road heads north, this road heads south, that one goes east, that one goes west by southwest at 30° 23' latitude N by 84° 22' W longitude so don’t forget your GPS.” Now, another thing our roads are famous for is the old two right-hand turn lanes. As our state is ranked 49th of the 50 states in drivers’ skills (AlaBAMa of course being the worst) everybody and their mother wants to be in the far right-hand lane, turn right, and merge across seven lanes of traffic to get into the left-hand turn lane JUST around the bend. Judy-Judy does not drive a semi. Judy-Judy does not drive an SUV. Judy-Judy is why we are ranked 49th out of 50 states for drivers’ skills. OH MY GOITER! I was suppose to keep my mouth shut not once, but twice during the twelve minute drive to the office. Oh yeah, like THAT was gonna happen. And can I tell you how condescending mothers get when they exceed the age of 65? It is not a pretty picture I’m painting here. I arrived at the back of the parking lot and asked my mother if she was going to drop me of there at the holding pond or if she would mind driving me the last 400 yards to the back of the building. Hey it’s Florida but the sun hadn’t been up too terribly long so I wouldn’t have had to utilize my spare set of clothing had she not been so kind as to swing around the office complex parking lot. However, I think she realized it was going to take a moment or two to retract my nails from the dash and remove my shoes from the floorboard so she kindly drove me to the door. Gosh, sure am glad my girl Mindy was available to take me home!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

June 19, 2007

Not much happening today so I'll start my blog off with my week's beginning:

Oh my GOITER! What?!?! Is it like Monday the 13th or something? My day started out horrible and turned into nothing but a comedy of errors. But hey, at least I have my coffee. Had tickets to take my daughter and a friend to a concert last night, couldn't get out of it had I even tried. Hawthorne Heights was here in Tallahassee but the girls failed to tell me there were FOUR count them FOUR OPENING ACTS and that the concert started at 7:00! HellOOoo, even driving as if I were Racer-X I can’t beat the traffic and make it home before 5:00 – and that is contingent upon me actually leaving work on time and not having to stop for gas and a Full Throttle. I also needed to change clothes, grab a bite to eat, slap a bit-o-face on before I would ever consider leaving the house to attend such a fabulously exciting public performance such as we were going to. Sarah, (Ally's friend) lives somewhere in the vicinity of 20 miles in the complete and opposite direction. Her mother was laying on the couch having succumbed to pain medication after receiving two fillings and a root canal so it wasn't as if I could ask her to bring Sarah to my house. Needless to say it was a tad late for this old broad when we girls finally made it home last night. Of course when you get home from an "exciting" evening such as we had you can't just crawl into bed and drop immediately to sleep, right? So I took a few moments to sit on the back porch with my book and a beer trying to unwind and recover my hearing. “Recover your hearing?” you ask in a sweetly inquisitive voice? “But why?” Well girls, the concert wasn't in the Civic Center which seats approximately 13,000.....oh no, it was in an "establishment" that measures approximately 16'x21' that was bursting with enthusiastic fans.

This morning I was a good girl and got up to turn my alarm off at 6:00 AND I also grabbed and answered the phone when my man called “just to make sure” I was actually awake. Okay, so I hit the snooze button one time, I just didn't wake up for another hour and ten minutes. GREAT! I'm just waking up and I should already be on my way to work, FABULOUS! So I grab a quick shower, throw on a dress, remember to apply deodorant, grab a cup’o joe, my lunch and my purse and…..I'm…! (Just for the record, flying over speed bumps at 50+ miles an hour is not recommended while drinking a ginormous cup of coffee.) I grab my phone to call my man as I do every morning on my ride to work and *PLOP* phone takes a triple gainer with half twist right into my cup of coffee. What?!?! Now you tell me my phone does not know how to swim? NOW?!?! Crap - a speed bump ahead and I can't slow down......I hit the bump, my coffee flies into the air spewing forth my phone and in slow motion I pull a “007” grabbing it mid-air right as my tires touch down and my SUV shimmies and swerves as I expertly bring it under control again........okay, so maybe I didn't retrieve my phone out of the coffee exactly like that but it would have been really cool if I did, huh? Nope, goober Marn has to submerge her hand into the sickly-sweet concoction, pull her phone to safety, and begin rescue breathing and CPR. It was kinda like when puppies or kittens are born and they're not breathing so you have to hold them in the palm of your hand and fling them downwards to remove the fluid from their lungs, that's what I looked like driving myself to work this morning. Let us hope my efforts of resuscitation work and my phone doesn't ascend to Mount Technolympus, the sacred dwelling of all things technological baffling to blondes.

Figured I may as well enter the 21st Century.....

since I'm always pushing my mother to do so.'s a scary thing!

I've enjoyed my cousin's blog so much that I thought I
would start my own; what a great way to keep up with
family and friends so ya'll come back now, ya'hea?