## Friday, January 30, 2009

### Hell Hath Frozeth Over

Wow, two posts in one day? What, has the world come to? Has hell frozeth over? Has the sky fallen and Henny Penny died before she could let us all know?

Nah, but I saw this video today and laughed so hard; I just knew my friends would enjoy it, too.

By the way, I'm the guy in the light blue shirt....

### Since I'm Already Going To Hell.... Why Not Get A Good Spot

Jesus is a Steelers Fan!!!!!

## Thursday, January 29, 2009

### Dial Zero For The Operator

For those of you that know me, I’m a fairly anal-retentive person that has little rituals, habits, and schedules that I follow on a daily basis. For example, every morning I wake up to my alarm clock SCREAMING for me to hit the snooze button. After an additional nine minutes of sleep I crawl out of bed, drag myself to the coffee pot, and hook up my morning IV. I then make a cup of coffee for Spawnette and head to the other side of the house. I awaken Spawn, who fixes his own breakfast, then creep into Spawnette’s room to leave her cup of coffee and awaken the dead….there’s more BUT you get the idea that this is a habit that I follow each and every day.

Last night I forgot to set the alarm clock. I can’t remember the last time I forgot to set the alarm clock. Sometimes I even set the alarm clock on my days off. WHO DOES THAT???

Me.

So this morning as I rolled over to see how many more nanoseconds of sleep I had left I read the clock and shot straight up realizing it was already 40 minutes past the time I should have arisen. I knew I wasn’t going to make it to work on time so I grabbed my phone so that I can call a co-worker and inform her I wasn’t going to be sitting prettily in my ergonomic office chair at 7:30 a.m. and ask that she please indicate on the dry-erase board I was going to be a few minutes late.

Now before I continue with my story, grab your cell phone, okay?

Got it?

Cool. Here’s my phone pictured below:

I love my phone, it TOTALLY kicks ass!

I proceed to dial the main number to the office and wait for the electronic message indicating I could dial my party’s extension or press “1” to dial by name. I don’t call my co-workers on the phone. When I need to speak to someone in the office I either holler out the door or I walk to their office for a little chit-chat. I don’t know “my party’s extension” so I hit “1” so that I may start dialing by name.

Here’s is where my dilemma came to fruition; answer me this, what’s your last name? Look at your phone and pretend you were prompted to dial an extension by typing your last name. I’ll use my last name as an example…..glace at the picture above and dial the name “FLANIGAN”.

People, the last name I was dialing did NOT correspond with the telephonic number keypad!!!! I couldn’t remember what letter coincided with what number! I’m frantically running around the house trying to find the landline telephone so that I can look at it while I try and dial my party’s last name. I’m typing letters and numbers until the face of my phone screen is totally and completely full. All of the sudden I hear a voice.

It’s calling out to me.

It’s faint but I hear it.

It’s asking……if it can help me.

Where the hell is this voice coming from?!?!?

I lift the phone to my ear and there she is – the “0” operator.

“OhmygoshI’msosorryIwasdialinginyourearmyphonehasakeyboardinsteadofjustnumbersandIcouldn’trememberwhichnumberwentwithwhatletterandIpanicedandjuststartedpressinglettersandnumbersandI’msosorryIwasdialingsolonginyourear.” I exclaim into the phone.

“Yes please, will be kind enough to connect me to ‘the lady in my office that has the same birthday as me?’” I humbly ask.

“Her extension is 3812; please hold while I connect you.”

……as soon as I got to the office this morning I walk to the other side of the building so that I could apologize to the very nice young lady that had the misfortune of being the first operator in the office today.

She was very understanding – as soon as she saw how blonde and old I am.

## Wednesday, January 28, 2009

### Hey There Buddy....Whatcha Packin'?

Does your significant other do the same thing mine does? When you ask a simple question, for example “How was your day?”, you get the typical “Fine,” thrown back in your face. I know, I hate that too. I would even love for him to make up a story every once in a while just to bring some excitement into my day.

King Dork returned home on Monday after a long weekend spent in Ohio with family and friends. I asked how his trip was and he responded “I almost missed my flight but you already know that.” Why yes I do considering you called and woke me up at 5:30 a.m. He called to ask me to look on his itinerary to see what airline he was flying. He had gone to the Delta counter but they couldn’t find him. Same thing at the Northwest, Continental, and Southwest airline counters as well. I booted up the handy-dandy laptop, pulled up the e-mailed itinerary, and promptly informed him of his airline, flight time, and flight number.

“Thanks Honey!! Can’t wait to see you!!”

Yesterday King Dork cc’d me on an e-mail he sent to his mom in which he told her about his trials and tribulations of his travel home to Florida from Ohio. He didn’t include all the good stuff when he told me he “almost missed his flight”.…I’ve left most of his message intact:

“Brother” sent a birthday present for you. I wish he would have mailed it since it really caused issues at the security check at the airport. It was ok; I had one heck of an ordeal getting to my plane to come home, though.

First of all I woke up a little late, not real late though, just late. I showered and dressed, got out on the road a little later than I wanted but still had plenty of time. I went to the gas station to fill the rental with gas.

It wouldn't fill.

The darn nozzle kept cutting out anytime a good flow of gas started. I tried multiple positions of the dispenser but nothing worked. So, after literally squeeze squeeze squeeze, I was able to get about 6 gallons into it and then it dawned on me, why don't I try another pump. I went to another pump and sure enough same thing however, this time after fooling with it some, I was able to get a small stream to continuously flow through it. Less than a gallon into it, it started spewing out of the hole you fill. So I turned it off and said the heck with it, it’s full enough... even though I know the tank wasn't full.

I drove to the airport and of course at 5:20 in the morning there’s no one to check the rental car in. So, I turned the keys in at a drop box with the hope they won't overcharge me. I then move on to the airport and arrive at the Delta counter. The auto check-in cannot find my itinerary. I ask about a flight and inadvertently give a wrong departure time, my bad, and of course he replies telling me nothing goes to Atlanta at 6:22. My flight was at 6:10.

So I got to Northwest to see if I am on that flight. NOPE.

Go to Continental, NOPE.

Go to US Air, NOPE.

Did I mention that I never printed out my itinerary? So, I call Marnie and wake her up pleading for help. She boots her computer and finds out it is a Delta flight that I am on... So now its 5:45 and I have a 6:10 flight. YIKES they should be boarding RIGHT NOW!!!!

I run back, ok fast walk for me, to the Delta counter and luckily get one of the ladies to help me. Within minutes I have my boarding pass then ask her if I have enough time to make the flight, she responds with “Yes, you should.” I hurry like a herd of turtles to the security gate and ask the guy there validating your ID to your itinerary if I can go through the VIP line as my flight leaves shortly and I want to make sure I don’t miss it. He said yes since my time was so close so I go through the VIP line, get my bag, laptop, and all of the other stuff I have on the conveyor. I get through and the guy is holding my bag up, “Whose bag is this?”

CRAP!!

I respond stating it’s mine.

“I need to look at something in it,” he says. I don't want to give your present away, but let’s just say what you are getting resembles C-4 explosives, Howitzer casings, large projectiles, rifle grenades and/or anti-tank mines when viewed in the security x-ray machine.

GREAT!!

So the guy asks if he can examine the bag….uhm, can I really say NO? SURE! Go ahead look in there; take a look-see at my dirty underwear and clothing! Go for it!

He finds your birthday present in the box it came in and took it out. Since the box is taped, he hunts for something to open it with....HUNT HUNT HUNT…and I’m thinking “Hey man, I’m in a hurry here, can you speed it up???” I look for my keys but cannot find them. I look for anything to assist but can find nothing because oh wait, I’m in line at security and they have everything I own INCLUDING my dirty underwear. Finally the security guy finds scissors. He opens the box up and proceeds to swab your gift down. “Oh, I need to run this and your carry-on bag through the scanner again.”

GOOD BYE PLANE!!!

So the guy runs everything through the scanner one last time and guess what? Yup, it all checks out now. “Do you want me to wrap your present back up?” he asks.

UHM NO!!! I’ll take care of it, THANKS I think as I politely tell him “No, thank you.”

I quickly throw everything back into the bags and turtle herd it down six gates, three newsstands, and two restaurants to where my gate is. I come around the corner and SAINTS BE PRAISED, the door is still open. SWEET!! So winded I step up and ask if I may board. The lady responded, “Of course you can.” I get on the plane, find my seat, put my stuff away, and say a lucky prayer as I wasn't the last one on the plane. One other guy followed me. So no one can blame me for the plane departing late.

Oh, I forgot to mention that it had snowed most of Sunday and part of Monday so guess what had to be done before we could take off - we had to de-ice the plane!

AWESOME!!

However, once we got into the air the rest of my trip improved. Had enough time to make the connector and was delayed a bit due to fog in Atlanta but we were able to take off and get home just 16 minutes later than scheduled. :) Ok, that got a lot longer than I had anticipated, but I think you will find humor out of it.

Wow…..did you see how much he wrote his mom? No really, did you SEE HOW MUCH HE WROTE HIS MOM?!?!? I think next time I ask him about his day I’ll request the turtle herd version.

## Monday, January 26, 2009

### Bee’s Bizarre/Weird WTF-Was-I-Thinking Picture Day

Bee over at Bee’s Musings had a fun little activity she invited her readers to join in on. Post a photo you took that you wanted to blog about but never did.

HA!!!

First I would like to share with you just how many photos I have in my picture folder:

Click on the picture if you can’t read the small writing. Yes folks, I have 19,697 files to chose from. WHAT?!?!? Yea, I usually have two to three cameras in my purse on any given day SO this makes for a more difficult activity than I’m thinking Bee was planning.

How to choose what picture from so many…..I have a photo blog that I used to post pictures on on a regular basis but as not many people were visiting I stopped posting so often. Do I post a funny picture? A pretty one? A nature photo? One of my kids? Obviously the list goes on and on and on and…well, you get “the picture.”

So in an effort to keep this current post as short as possible I initially narrowed it down to fifteen. As I’m sure you don’t want to see all of those photos, I had to take a moment, drink a cup of coffee and narrow it down again. Below are photos I took – may have even posted on the photo blog – but never wrote anything about them:

This one was taken of “Polamalu Roethlisberger.” That’s not her real name BUT as I was her mother’s birthing partner and she was due Superbowl Sunday three years ago, the name kinda stuck. Aren’t kids great? This is a perfect shot of how funny they think they are which in turns ALWAYS makes the grown-ups laugh. But alas, this picture’s not weird or strange enough so I had to search some more.

Kids….so they’re not always funny. These are a couple of shots I took of my kids for my Crime Scene Photography class a few years ago. This was a fun activity for all three of us; I got to pretend I was killing off my kids and they got to pose as dead people. This is also a great way to live the fantasy of “offing” your kids when they become teenagers and smart mouth you when all you asked them to do was take out the garbage. My professor had kids; I got an “A” in his class.

Since most of the photos I keep are kinda “artsy”, I dug around until I found one that was a bit more spontaneous than the others. I love my dog. I’m usually the only one in the family that feeds him, bathes him, brushes him, the works. This one was taken in an effort to remind my kids to make sure he has fresh water every morning before they leave for school. I printed it out and hung it for them to see and remind them how to fill his water bowl because he likes it fresh and cold.

Here we have a picture of my cell phone next to a hamburger. Why??? I think it was to illustrate just how big this friggin’ hamburger is. But really, who gives a crap about how big my lunch was? Do I really want all of you to see what a total and complete pig I am? Why not include the French fries and gravy off to the side that I know was sitting there as well. Yes people, dip your fries in a white gravy and you’ll SMACK your momma it’s so good!

Ya’ll know I live in the south but come on, what did I think I was gonna do, have this picture as my desktop? EEWWWWW! This is a close up of pig’s feet. “Ya’ll wunt sum?”

Why did I take a close up picture of pig’s feet? Well, I most likely wanted to illustrate what my brother was head down, face first in here:

He came in second place at the annual Redneck Games ONLY because his bucket sprung a leak and they wouldn't disqualify the first place winner for not having enough teeth.
Well folks, there you have it. I know they weren’t as funny as Bee’s BUT I promise to take some more in the hopes she does this again real soon. Heck, I could do this for the next (hold on let me grab my calculator…..) I could do this for the next 54+ years and not run out of pictures!

Can’t wait to see yours!

## Sunday, January 25, 2009

### I May Not Be Able To Stomp The Yard But I Can Stomp A Roach

Spawnette and I have taken up a new type of entertainment. As a single mom, cheap entertainment is always the best kind; she and I are reality TV junkies. WAIT; don’t stop reading just because we have lowered ourselves to the very depths of Dante’s sixth circle where those of us are strongly at variance with the accepted opinion that she and I are not the coolest of cool.

Because we are.

This nightmare I speak of….well it would have been if you were there….all started when Spawnette was flipping through the channels and stumbled across Mario Lopez hosting “Randy Jackson Presents: America’s Best Dance Crew!” (Don’t forget the exclamation point!) I’m not much of a dance show connoisseur, I don’t do that whole “Dancing With The Stars” thing, but when a girl like me catches a glimpse of a man/boy like this all hell breaks loose in Cougar World.

So there I am, chopping away at onions and garlic for my noodles Florentine in a light cream sauce when it hits me from behind. The thomping. The stomping. I can’t keep my feet still. There are men all over the television screen gyrating and moving making the most hypnotic beat I’ve ever heard.

Spawnette and I immediately began to duel in the middle of the kitchen floor and if I don’t say so myself I R-O-C-K. Throw in a little hambone and we were ready for the next crew:

By the time I was through showing Spawnette who da boss was she was sweating up a storm and I was looking for my first place trophy.

Hey, you wanna throw down? Cause I be flippin’!

## Friday, January 23, 2009

### I Need A Catnap

That's my Joshua sleeping

Crazy busy at work.

Crazy busy at home.

Haven't had a free minute to myself in quite a few days.

Leah posted some very good blogging rules; one of which I am breaking right now. Why is it our children wait until the very last minute to do their homework assignments. Homework assignments given to them WEEKS in advance. When I go home at night I like to relax, read a book, speand time surfing the web, go to bed early; any number of things other than running to Walgreens to get index cards because you "have to have them tonight because this is due tomorrow...." Next up is a history project due in two weeks that was assigned before the holidays. Has anything been done? According to her it has but to me the accumulation of three resources is not enough to count towards a history project that has to look like this:

Only twice as tall, like this:

Good thing for me the kids will be with their dad this weekend so that HE can be in charge of making sure things get done.

Oh wait, he won't do that because "that's not fun."

Guess I'll be busy next week as well.

## Tuesday, January 20, 2009

### Hospital Decorum

I received a call from my sister, “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her”, letting me know that Mom’s surgery went well and that they were in a recovery room awaiting to be moved to a hospital room for the duration of Mom’s stay. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH was bored and was wondering how soon it would be before I went to the hospital to sit with her in utter and total boredom because come on, who wants to be bored alone?

I changed out of my flamingo pajamas and into more appropriate clothing, grabbed my current Kylar Stern book, threw some snacks into my duffle bag posing as a purse, and headed out to the hospital just moments from my home. When I arrived I found that they had already moved Mom to her room so I wound my way up to the fifth floor and found where they had dumped her. As I walked in the room, I noticed the blank stare upon my sister’s face.

“DUDE!!!! What is up?” I whispered.

She swings around to face me and groans, “Oh. My. Lord….I am so glad you’re here! You have no idea how bored I am!”

I gently reminded her that I had been in that same pair of shoes just three months earlier so yes, I DID know how bored she was. The only difference, and it was a big one, was that I had to do it alone so SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH must owe me a six pack for my suffering. She relented because, well, because she’s nicer than I am.

As Mom was still asleep we thought it best to remain as quiet as we possibly could. This is not an easy thing when the two of us get together but we did our very best…for Mom. We pulled out our books and tried to read for about four minutes. We rearranged Mom’s bedside table for maximum usage so that she could grab what she needed after we left. We read for another three and a half minutes, twiddle our thumbs, squirmed in our seats, and finally realized this whole quiet thing was more difficult than anticipated. We looked around for things to amuse us and then there…right before our eyes…we – saw – this!
There it was, sitting prettily in my purse, my camera. I looked at SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she looked at me and both of us started to giggle. Now the two of us giggling in itself can cause a great deal of ruckus because I snort when I laugh really hard and her laugh is the antithesis of subtle.

First we had to make sure our giggling didn’t awaken Mom.
Whew cause quite frankly we were loud.

(Anyone else notice that the hospital hung the picture above the bed upside down?)

I’m snorking, she’s sniggering, both of us making WAY too much noise.
“CRAP, did we wake her up?” I desperately try to whisper.

“OMG…….do you think she’s dead? Go poke her and see if she wakes up.”

“I’m not poking her YOU poke her.”

“No YOU poke her!”

“No YOU poke her!”

“I’m not poking her but I see her breathing so we’re still good….WHEW!” we both sigh in relief.

“HEY! I see you got a pedicure recently, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, that looks good? Who does your toes?”

“Leilie over at Joe’s place, didn’t she do a good job?”
“Wait, that one’s blurry, show me again,” I ask of her.

“Hooker red looks good on you!”

“I know,” she replies

More snickering and giggling….. and then she shh’s me! SHE SHH’S ME!

“SSHHHHH, you’re gonna wake her up!” She insists.

“SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she hasn’t moved in like forty-five minutes, I think we’re safe,” I grumble.

“Hey SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, you know how our teenaged daughters take pictures of themselves for Facebook? I’m gonna do a self portrait just for you, ‘kay?”

SHIT!!! The flash is still on! I blinded myself! Holy Toledo, I really need to pluck my brows.”

SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH grabs the camera and tells me I’m a reject and that she can do better.

LOL – the flash is still on…..and she calls me a reject!

“Do it again! Do it again!” I appeal in the quietest voice I can manage.

SNAP
CLICK

“OOHHHHH, you’re good!” I tell her. “Here, let me! Let Me!” I insist.
“I turned the flash off! Crap!”
WORSE
“I’m not doing it right.”
By now we’re laughing so hard the nurses passing the room outside in the hallway are looking in to see what’s going on. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH and I are holding our noses while laughing so as not to make too much noise. This makes us spray spittle all over the place which makes us laugh harder.

“SSHHHHH!!!! She’s gonna wake up!!!” I inform my sister.

Not while she’s on morphine we won’t!

With stomachs hurting from laughing too hard we quietly….or NOT so quietly…put away the camera with the hopes of recovering our decorum.
But not for long!

## Friday, January 16, 2009

### "I Must Be Crazy To Be In A Loony Bin Like This." *

Heading to my mom's this afternoon to finish my last shift as Nurse Ratched. Plan on finishing up the photo compilation as promised so long as Mommy Dearest doesn't have a four page list of things for me to do.

I'm kinda pissed off though, my brother stepped up to the plate and split the nursing doodies with me so I can't rag on him or be mean for like a day or two. I haven't talked to him yet this morning, wondering how "Bath Time With Mom" went last night.

He probably has a hangover from too much beer.....

FYI - It's actually colder in Florida than it is in Alaska right at this very moment - is that crazy or WHAT?!?!?

* Quote from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

## Thursday, January 15, 2009

### It’s Like A Scene Out Of Silent Hill and I’m The Nurse

My mother has been keeping me more busy that anticipated. Between errands to the bank, library, grocery store, and rehabilitation appointments I have been doing laundry, cooking meals, cleaning house, and other sundry tasks. She told me I was mean yesterday because I made her get up and help prepare dinner and help fold laundry….while standing. Hey lady!!! I don’t want to be here for a month or two, this weekend looks like you’ll be on your own SO get up and get moving Missy-Moo!

Today is my brother’s turn to spend the day with our mother while I get caught up at work; I’m thinking his nerves will be fried by the time I take over late this afternoon. Of course he IS the favorite child so she may be easier on him than she is on me or The Ancient One….my older sister.

I haven’t yet had a chance to put together that long awaited photo composition but I did begin the outline so thank you for your patience….the nurse will be with you soon.

## Tuesday, January 13, 2009

### And The Verdict IS.....

con·fir·ma·tion
Pronunciation: \kän-fer-mā-shun\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1: an act or process of confirming: as
a(1): a Christian rite conferring the gift of the Holy Spirit and among Protestants full church membership
(2): a ceremony especially of Reform Judaism confirming youths in their faith
b: the ratification of an executive act by a legislative body
2: a: confirming proof : corroboration
b: the process of supporting a statement by evidence

I finally received confirmation from my brother, "I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” that he won’t rat me out to our mom should I post the long promised photo montage of The Sisters demurely sitting in the hospital room while waiting for our mother to awaken after hip-replacement surgery. Okay, he didn’t exactly say he wouldn’t tell on me but I’m taking the following statement to mean he’s going to remain silent no matter how bad The Sisters were. Here’s what he said:

“With all the hype those pictures better be good!”

That’s it. After all of the threats, blog posts, hints, and waiting, this is all I got outta him? All I have to say is how could the pictures not be good????

This evening, as I stay with my mother, I plan on putting together the long-promised picture montage of The Sisters as we sat in the hospital room awaiting our mother to awaken from that morphine induced sleep coma. Hope it will be everything you’re expecting - if not it's all my brother's fault.

## Monday, January 12, 2009

### Word Of The Day - Again

indecision
Pronunciation: \in-di-si-zhen\
Function: noun
Etymology: French indécision, from indécis undecided, from Late Latin indecisus, from Latin in- + decisus, past participle of decidere to decide
Date: circa 1763
: a wavering between two or more possible courses of action.

irresolute
Pronunciation: \i-re-ze-lüt, i(r)-, -let\
Date: 1579
: uncertain how to act or proceed.

vacillate
Pronunciation: \va-se-lāt\
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form(s): vac·il·lat·ed; vac·il·lat·ing
Etymology: Latin vacillatus, past participle of vacillare to sway, waver — more at
Date: 1597
1 a: to sway through lack of equilibrium
b: fluctuate , oscillate
2: to waver in mind, will, or feeling : hesitate in choice of opinions or courses

I still haven’t heard anything from my brother, "I Have Pictures Of You In A Drunken Stupor At One Of Our Many St. Paddy’s Day/Birthday Parties That I’m Sure You Don’t Want Posted” as to whether or not he would rat me out if I posted a picture montage of the day my sister, “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her” and I spent at the hospital awaiting our mom to awaken after surgery. I wish he’d hurry and either post a comment and let us all know what he’s thinking or hell, just give me a call and let me if he’s going to be a poo-poo-doo-doo-head and tell mom. I’d like to know before I go spend the night with her her first evening out of rehab. I figure I’ll need a little something to keep me busy while hanging out at her house (she has basic cable and no ESPN or Hallmark channel……) and what better way to amuse myself than sit on the couch with my laptop and post horrible pictures of her as sits beside me dictating what “helpful little things around the house” I can do for her like re-caulk the bathrooms, scrub clean grout with a toothbrush, or if I’m lucky, re-roof the house.

I know he’s reading the blog because he’s already threatened me with the posting of old photographs from the eighties. As one of 32, 472, 879 people that would like to wipe those years from my memory, I’m dreading the fact that all of humanity will have access to pictures showing off my horrible perms and parachute pants. Thank goodness I never stooped so low as to own zebra stripped leggings!

HEY BRO…….WHAT’S IT GONNA BE?

## Sunday, January 11, 2009

### Making A List and Checking It Twice

Yes I know, Christmas is over and Santa is vacationing in the Abaco’s but the fun isn’t over yet, my friends so grab your list and let’s make sure we have everything we need.

Beer
Chips
Dip
Beer
Sausage Dogs
Big Fat Steak Fries
Terrible Towel
Number 43 Jersey
Number 86 Jersey
Cowbells and Other Noise Makers
Beer

We’re ready and waiting for the kick off this afternoon so grab your towel and wave it high we’re “steeling” some thunder from California!