This Is A Test

This is a test to see what kind of replies I get just for shits and giggles.  And yes, this IS Her Royal Highness.

I can't believe this thing is still live!

Don't Piss Off A Southern Girl

Lonely - A powerful feeling of emptiness and isolation; feeling disconnected and alienated from other people.

That’s me, lonely. My life away from the computer is full and content but I miss my cyber family. I loathe my inability to access friends and family from my fingertips but alas, this dilemma has yet to be resolved.

I miss you…..you know who you are…..I chased a guy down in the hallway here at work today and told him to GET MY SHIT FIXED! The countdown has begun. It’s not nice to piss a southern girl off, just sayin’.

I had no idea....

they had yet to delete my blog. Maybe I should rethink and start writing again.

Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano!

I love the pizza dough tosser in the Visa “Hey Mambo” commercial. I thought to myself how cool it would be to find out who this guy is and where he makes pizza so that maybe one day soon I could hope in the car and take a road trip just to watch him toss back a few…..pizza crusts. The search didn’t take long and I discovered way more than I thought I would. His name is Juan Hermosillo and he is currently the captain of the United States Pizza Team.

WHAT?!?!??? Did you know there was a United States Pizza Team?

No really, these guys (and gals) travel the world competing in freestyle throwing receiving points for difficulty, creativity, etc. And get this….the team is from ALL OVER!! Brooklyn, Orlando, Columbus, Chattanooga! How cool is that? When not competing you can visit these guys where they work. I say we pick a day and all go out to a restaurant in a city close to us and compare notes. Anyone game?

Soft-Core Porn and Primetime Television

For those that know me and know me well, it comes as no surprise when I tell you I am a reality TV addict. I love everything horrible and wrong about reality TV. Is it staged? Of course. Is it invasive and destructive? Have no doubt. Does it open doors to public humiliation like no other television genre? You bet your sweet padoobies it does. But really, can you honestly say that when you stubble across Patti Stanger while channel surfing the 4,381 channels you undoubtedly overpay your cable company for, you don’t become mesmerized not only by her forthrightness (that was me being polite) but by the incredibly brave souls that bare themselves hoping for a highlight clip on E! or TMZ.

Last night was the kick off to the new season of Dancing With The Stars. I’ve never watched this series before unless my mother was over for dinner and politely suggested we turn the TV on so that she could “watch her show”. I realized last night while an 80 year old Buzz Aldrin moon-walked his way onto the dance floor and showed us how unattractively we will dance as we not-so-gracefully grow old I don’t want that much reality, thank you very much. This man is an American Icon. A legend. Come hell or high water the man better make it through at least one elimination. THIS tribe has spoken!

But alas, the pièce de résistance was the one and only Pamela Anderson sexing up prime time television with her version of the Cha-Cha. Really? That’s what professional dancers wear when dancing the Cha-Cha? Bet it didn’t take that child illegally working in a third world country to sew on those 16 sequins ya got there, Sugar. The adjustment of her breastages while the hostess was interviewing her was the highlight of MY evening. I’m looking forward to her wardrobe choice for next week. Maybe, if we’re lucky, it will look something like this:

And so I post this one for you, guys, because through lottery winnings I’ve yet to attain and a sugar daddy I’ve never really put the time and effort into acquiring I will look and dance….just….like….this:

For other reality TV junkies, there’s a new show coming down the pike….CHECK!

All By Myself

Wow, coming back here is like peering into another dimension. It’s been so long since I‘ve blogged that my ironicism, a skill once honed and crafted to perfection, has become lackadaisical and flaccid. (I love that word. I think I will try and use the word “flaccid” no less than three times a day this week. The King may be pissed by tomorrow afternoon BUT what’s a girl to do.)

Nothing extraordinary has taken place since 2001 so I’ll skip the update since last I was here. I figure that all of the other bloggers I came to know and love have flown the coup and moved on to bigger and better things so from here on out – I’ll pretty much be writing for myself. Good thing I crack my ass up!

I won’t be here every day because I don’t have the time and effort it takes to come up with something as creative as I expect of myself. I’ll be rambling about nonsensical things that only a mind as warped as my own will be able to understand AND if you’re lucky post a picture here and there.

So there it is folks, let’s se how long I can keep this up. Wish me luck, cross your fingers, and make a wish on a star.

Sláinte!!!!

Just Sayin'

Yes...I suck...I know.

Publix ROCKS!

Sitting around with some girls this afternoon taking a break from the real world and somehow the subject of commercials came up. Wish I had posted this for Mother's Day....



Hallmark got even higher marks but I couldn't find the one with the retiring teacher....anyone remember that one?

Happy Belated Mother's Day!

The Power of The Wolf

Man, there are some funny, funny people out there. Click on the shirt and read the reviews....who needs blogs when we have Amazon?

That Time of Year Again......Oh Darn.

As the Highland Games draw near yet again, I though to myself what better way to celebrate my heritage than to bask in the glory of man. And boy will this girl be baskin'! With the hopes of sharing such joy, I bring to you my list of reasons why I love the native dress of my people.

Thirteen Reasons Queen Goob Loves A Kilt

1. A kilt looks good on anyone.

2. A kilt looks even better on a man.

3. Men with work boots and heavy socks bunched up.

4. I LIKE wearing mirrors on my shoes.

5. A kilt is probably the most masculine article of clothing a man could wear.

6. You don’t have to worry about tearing out the knees or the bum.

7. You can dress them up or go casual, we really don’t care.

8. They come in any color you could possibly conceive.

9. I quote Mel Gibson as William Wallace in Braveheart when I yell …"Freedom!"

10. Who doesn’t like their man going commando?

11. Going commando and everyone knowing it.

12. A kilt provides free air conditioning on those hot summer days.

13. Women LOVE a man in a kilt.

....crap, that makes fourteen, doesn't it?

Our Town Is Famous For....

This guy:

As The King was driving us home from work yesterday he rudely interrupted my phone call to Magillicutty when we happened upon this juic-i-licious specimen of a man at the intersection of St. Augustine and Magnolia. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this beautiful stranger’s lusciousness but each and every time one has the pleasure to gaze upon his splendific physique all rational thought just flies out the window.

At this point I could no longer respond to Magill (which was most likely not a problem as she had taken a couple Valium for a minor surgical procedure and was slurring her words like she’s just had fourteen fillings done and the Novocain hadn’t yet worn off), I could no longer grasp a coherent thought, I could no longer breathe or swallow for fear of taking down that little, tiny bit of vomit that had taken refuge in my mouth.

My mind drew a blank……where was my camera? Could I just hang up on Magill and use my phone to take pictures? What would my mother think if I invited him over for a Fourth of July picnic? SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH…... SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH......what would SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH do?!?!?!? I’ll tell you what SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH would have done, she would have so hug up on Magill, swung an illegal right-hand turn from the left-hand turn lane crossing in front of three car-filled lanes of traffic to boldly follow this dumpling of a guy and asking him to pose so her picture would most assuredly turn out perfect.

My - God - She’s - Good!

Me?

I just stayed on the phone and mocked my best friend by making shit up and her believing it because she was two sheets to the wind and high as a kite….besides, I knew I could share a video or two without having to utilize the warranty on my camera due to an exploding lens when it focused upon his ass’s gravitational force.

A Fiendly Game of Kickball

Yes, I'm still alive....lots going on; will get you caught up soon.

So we're currently planning another game of kickball to be played by family, friends, and loved ones. Our last game was such fun we've decided to try and make this a semi-regular gathering. Last game we had approximaitely 20 -25 people, one dog, and lots of beer.

Word has gotten out (Thanks to SIL!) and it looks like this game will be jam-packed with moms, dads, kids, dogs, friends, neighbors, and office cronies. In trying to determine exactly what to wear to such a prestigious gathering of individuals, I ran across THIS:

Dude, who wouldn't want to play a game of ZOMBIE KICKBALL?!?!?

Life's Still Busy

So busy that I started a post three days ago and have yet to finish. The King and I went on a roadtrip and spent the weekend with STSLLAJBSDBIDHTNTTH and I - got - pictures. Look for it soon.

In the mean time, you'll find me........

Under Construction

Busy life, busy kids, busy man......just BUSY!!!

I think of you guys often but life's been - well - it's been busy! I'll post ASAP but for now my brain is currently under construction.

JEEZ-MO-NINNIES…What Begins With “J”?

I was tagged!!

Okay, not really, I actually volunteered for this because believe it or not I’ve been having brain-farts lately and having difficulties coming up with shit to write about. Because basically that’s what I write about; life’s big, bowl-filling dumps.

Giggle Pixie previously known as

posted her list of ten things she likes that began with the letter “G”. She indicated that anyone interested could let her know and she would assign a letter.

I volunteered – which I’ve been doing a lot lately. What’s wrong with me? I’ve volunteered for this, I’ve volunteered to help this weekend with the Extreme Make-Over here in town (and not because Ty looks good in jeans, either), I volunteered to work the concession stand at my daughter’s softball games AND I volunteered to work the Special Olympics next month.

LIKE I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH SHIT ON MY PLATE ALREADY?!?!?!

I digress….as usual.

So I left a little note for G.P. telling her I would love to join in the fun and she assigns me the letter “J”.

“J”????

“J” sucks! Besides, Cowguy just did “J” and he stole all the good “J” stuff!

But I promised G.P. so I gave this whole letter thing a shot. It took all morning with my office door shut to come up with this list so I hope ya’ll appreciate it. AND…..in true Cowguy style I’ve included a picture to enhance my list of crap.

Queen Goob's List Of Ten Things She Likes That Begin With The Letter "J"......

1. JAVA
I – LOVE – COFFEE!!!! I love the smell of freshly ground beans, I love the sound of the gurgling pot indicating the coffee is almost done brewing, I love the first sip of the morning, the sip that closes your eyes in ecstasy regardless of the fact it’s only a Tuesday morning and not the weekend. I – LOVE – COFFEE.

2. Jokes
Jokes are awesome. I love things that make me laugh especially when you’re enjoying a beer with a friend just hangin’ out on the back porch and bantering back and forth to see who has the best blonde joke even though the both of you are truly and legally blonde.

3. Juvenile Delinquents
I love things that make me laugh…..wait that was my previous item. Or was it? Juvies are idiots and idiots are fun to make fun of and making fun of stupid people makes me laugh. YUP, I love juvies.

4. Jewelry
Ladies, need I say more?

5. Jamoca Ice Cream Served with Cookie Wafers
I needed to take a moment for myself when I thought of this one. Do you guys have Baskins Robbins Ice Cream? Is it a national company or is it just on the East Coast? If you don’t have it someone should be shot for not sharing. Available since 1956, Jamoca is a specially blended coffee ice cream. Even better is when you have a scoop of chocolate to enhance the Java-ee flavor.

6. Jury Duty
No, I’m not crazy, I really want to serve on a jury but see here’s the thing. Most of my college education is in Law Enforcement with a specialty in Crime Scene Investigation (strike one) that and the fact that many of my instructors are old school, good old boys here in my great southern town (strike two) and a number of friends are within the law enforcement community (strike three) I’ve been called to jury duty but never been chosen to serve.

Bastards!

7. Junk Food

Honey, if I could bathe in Cheezie Poofs, I would.

8. Jumpin' Jehosaphat
Not only is this a great word to randomly yell out while perusing the junk food aisle at Wal-Mart at 2;30 in the morning, but this is the first word that flies from my lips every time I see Dwayne Johnson.

JOHNSON……ANOTHER “J”! YAY ME!!!

9. Jeans
They do a body good. Jeans are my favorite piece of clothing AND they make rock hard abs and a tight tush look – well, look H-O-T HOT! Throw a little Jamoca on that and I could eat for a week.

10. Jaguars
The 1963 Jaguar E-Type Convertible in British Racing Green OR the 1959 Jaguar XK150 Roadster in Black. Ya’ll can have your Italian sports cars, I’ll stick with the Brits. Just look at those lines, girls. A figure one can be proud of. I know I wouldn’t complain about my vastly budding and expanding ass if it was sitting in one of those!

So there you have my list of thing I enjoy that begin with the letter “J”. Jesus would have been right up there but that was one Cowguy stole along with a MOST fabulous picture that I knew I couldn’t top. I’m not taggin anyone but if you’ve run outta stuff to blog about the same way I have, drop a note in your comment and I’ll ass-ign a letter to ya. Hey G.P., is there a certain rule I need to follow if anyone actually asks to do this?

Jeez-mo-ninnies!

Holy Crap, I’m A Mother…..AND A HOUSEWIFE!!!

As many of you know, The King came down to Florida last November and moved in with myself and The Offspring. There have been many adjustments, changes, and fine-tuning of our living arrangements since that time. One of the things I found myself daydreaming about on a regular basis was organization. I shared with you the “purging” of the bedroom, and now I bring you the “reorganization” of the kitchen cabinets.

I know, you guys think I’m crazy…and I probably am…but here’s the thing. I have been in my house between nineteen and twenty years give or take a nightmare or two and I think in all of those years I have cleaned out those cabinets once.

ONCE.

In twenty years.

I don’t know about you but can you imagine how much shit has accumulated and been piled, shoved, pushed, and stacked in the extremely few cabinets I have in my kitchen? You guys know I love football but did I have to bring an average of 2.67 plastics cups home from every – single – football game I attended? And did I have to have a coordinating koozie for every outfit that used to hang in my closet? Okay, maybe I did but I’m over that phase in my life. Did I have to save every single baby plate, spoon, and sippy cup from when my children were but babes? No really, my son drives a redneck four-wheel drive truck; do you think he’s going to go muddin’ drinking from a Playtex spill-proof juice cup? I don’t think so either, even if it DOES have cute widdle ducks all over it.

So for the past two weeks I have been a tad busy. Between getting over a sham of an illness, I have been attending three softball games a week, taking and picking up Spawnette from softball practices, getting two hundred people here at work ready for a two week COOP exercise in the middle of nowhere with nothing to eat but MRE’s thank goodness I’m not going and organizing kitchen cabinets in any spare time I can find. Here is just a sampling of some of the reorganization results.

An example of "before" that I haven't yet cleaned out:

An example of "after" that is one of the few completed:

Don’t roll your eyes and wonder why the hell I posted pictures of my kitchen cabinets, those there are pictures of my blood, sweat, and tears. That shit took HOURS and I’m still not done. Hell, I’m not even half way through and I truly don’t have that many cabinets in my kitchen!

I need a beer….anyone have a koozie to match my black and white Hawaiian sundress? If not, I’ll take one of these:

This Is Me With Short Hair and A Penis

Would you believe I got sick on Friday and spent the weekend on my ass or wollerin’ on the couch……..or both if you want to get technical.

We did not go to Tampa, we did not pillage the city, and we did not grab some booty (much to The King's chagrin.)

Still recouping and will most likely spend the evening whoring myself over HGTV’s fabulous ideas for remodeling my home.

ARRRRRR You Ready For The Weekend?

I had the weather channel on this morning because…well…I like to see the weather not only here but all over the country. It makes me happy when it’s 14º here and I’m miserable to witness two feet of snow somewhere else. Knowing the sun will eventually be shining brings a tear of joy to my eye….which froze to my lashes when I kicked the dog out the back door at 6:00 a.m. so that he can go pee. For the record, the dog stuck his head out the doggie door, stood there for about seven seconds, pulled his head back into the house, looked at me like I was a total and complete moron then went back to bed.

I digress.

As ususal.

This morning, while looking at the snow covered hills of everywhere else (South Dakota, Montana, Minnesota, North Carolina, Indiana, etc.) I saw an advertisement for the Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa. If my sister, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTT, would answer her phone already, we’d know if we could invite ourselves to crash at her place.

Cause we’re slackers like that.

It looks like it’s going to be really crowded and I’m not one to allow strangers into my personal space BUT beer and Captain Morgan’s will be available at each and every corner so I’m thinking I may be okay. If I’m able to hijack my mother’s walker to keep the drunkards at bay I may actually enjoy myself. Can you imagine the photo ops there will be in the masses of persistently inebriated individuals clothed in tri-cornered hats and fake peg-legs? Can you? It will be like going back in time and landing upon the shores of Port Royal, Jamaica when John Rackham was plundering other vessels upon the high seas with the hopes of amassing booty. Or would that be am-assing booty? Either way, old Calico Jack boarded one too many sloops and was introduced to the gibbet.

I digress.

As ususal.

So…..after I speaking with SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTT to see if they will be in residence this weekend, I’ll let you know if I will be AWOL this weekend. AWOL and ARRRRRR’ing my ass off.

I look hot, don't I?

Anyone Ever Been To Orfglimt?

Sorry I’ve been AWOL here lately, lots going on but nothing interesting or funny to write about. Or it could be that there were many things to write about I just didn’t feel like writing. Yea, that’s probably it. Let’s see, how about a quick recap of my weekend.

Friday:

Spawn and his girlfriend represented the eleventh grade at the basketball game as Sweetheart couple for their class – they didn’t win, the seniors did – Spawn pretended he was crying out on the basketball court – mom was giggling. He spent the night at a friend’s after the game to go hog hunting early the next morning.

Spawnette had a friend spend the night as they were partners for the history fair project –they planned out and prepared to finish up the following day – they stayed up late, ate a lot of junk food, and watched scary movies.

Saturday:

Spawnette due at softball field by 8:15 a.m. for pictures and field clean up. Friend stayed at our house to finish writing history project while Spawnette suffered in the cold. Took both to the mall that afternoon because that’s what teenaged girls want to do.

Spawn was home by 10:00 a.m. after “bagging” four hogs. He mowed grass, cleaned room, and then took off for girlfriend’s house.

Both offspring went to Sweetheart Dance and I got to play taxi for Spawnette and friends. YES. I LOVE THAT PART…. At least we ate at a decent restaurant before the dance but the dang thing didn’t end until after 11:00!

Sunday:

I cleaned house and got ready for Super Bowl Party while Spawnette “worked on her history fair board” and cleaned her room. Spawn hung around and offered to help but didn’t want to scrub toilets or clean kitchen. I guess he watched TV and played Wii and Playstation. The King went to the grocery store; my mom came and helped us prepare food for the guests prior to them coming over around 5:00. We ate, watched a FANTASTIC football game (that’s what a Super Bowl Game should be like!!) and after the game and everyone had left I stayed up with Spawnette to make sure the board actually got done. Went to bed around 1:00 a.m. The board looked good……FINALLY!!!

Nope, boring weekend after all, nothing funny or too exciting yet I didn’t have a free minute to come on and visit with friends. I’m going to try and get caught up as quickly as I can but I actually have work to tend to this week so I won’t be able to sneak peeks here, DANG IT! Look for me lurking around your blogs with a comment here or there and know that I wish I were there instead of here.

Do lurkers tell people when they’re lurking or should I have kept the whole lurking thing a secret so that the lurking was done properly?

Sorry I was gone so long, I Googled “lurking” and got sidetracked on “filksinging”. FYI – for any of you filksingers, I’d like a song dedicated to me to include some kind of ninja assassin from the land of Orfglimt, please.

Here We Go Steelers...HERE WE GO!!!

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