June 22, 2007
HAPPY CHOCOLATE ECLAIR DAY! Thank you Baby Jesus, A-men.
One week from today I will be on the road headed north toward the Buckeye State to spend a week with my man. As the big guy is not actually thrilled that I will be driving 946 miles to see him instead of flying, I thought I would do the kind and considerate thing and alleviate as much fear from him that I possibly could prior to hitting the road. See, I’m sweet like that. So anywho, I made an appointment this morning to drop of my ve-hicle (southern pronunciation inserted here) “Gawaine” for his annual check-up i.e. tires rotated, oil changed, fluids and belts checked, etc. In order to arrive safely at work this morning I made arrangements to be picked up at the service station by none other than my mother, Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Booty. Well, at 70 years of age, my mother’s driving skills are, shall we say, a bit archaic. First of all, I have worked at the same office complex for roughly eight years. My mother has lived in the same town as I for all of those eight years. So why is it when I jump in her car she asks while I’m fastening my seatbelt…...“What’s the best way to get there from here?” We do not live in a vast metropolitan area; this is at best a large town. A town that during the summer months the population drops approximately 50% as our main source of income stems from two state universities, one community college, and state legislation. Hello Judy-Judy! This is not a $64,000.00 question. In fact, there are at best three possible routes: a good one, a bad one, and an “avoid it at all costs” one. Judy-Judy chose to go with the route behind curtain number four. Now picture if you will a town’s road system that was largely designed by a group of men from ADDA, the National Attention Deficit Disorder Association. We have enough one-way roads here in our lovely town to confuse even the most experienced of drivers. “This road heads north, this road heads south, that one goes east, that one goes west by southwest at 30° 23' latitude N by 84° 22' W longitude so don’t forget your GPS.” Now, another thing our roads are famous for is the old two right-hand turn lanes. As our state is ranked 49th of the 50 states in drivers’ skills (AlaBAMa of course being the worst) everybody and their mother wants to be in the far right-hand lane, turn right, and merge across seven lanes of traffic to get into the left-hand turn lane JUST around the bend. Judy-Judy does not drive a semi. Judy-Judy does not drive an SUV. Judy-Judy is why we are ranked 49th out of 50 states for drivers’ skills. OH MY GOITER! I was suppose to keep my mouth shut not once, but twice during the twelve minute drive to the office. Oh yeah, like THAT was gonna happen. And can I tell you how condescending mothers get when they exceed the age of 65? It is not a pretty picture I’m painting here. I arrived at the back of the parking lot and asked my mother if she was going to drop me of there at the holding pond or if she would mind driving me the last 400 yards to the back of the building. Hey it’s Florida but the sun hadn’t been up too terribly long so I wouldn’t have had to utilize my spare set of clothing had she not been so kind as to swing around the office complex parking lot. However, I think she realized it was going to take a moment or two to retract my nails from the dash and remove my shoes from the floorboard so she kindly drove me to the door. Gosh, sure am glad my girl Mindy was available to take me home!
HAPPY CHOCOLATE ECLAIR DAY! Thank you Baby Jesus, A-men.
One week from today I will be on the road headed north toward the Buckeye State to spend a week with my man. As the big guy is not actually thrilled that I will be driving 946 miles to see him instead of flying, I thought I would do the kind and considerate thing and alleviate as much fear from him that I possibly could prior to hitting the road. See, I’m sweet like that. So anywho, I made an appointment this morning to drop of my ve-hicle (southern pronunciation inserted here) “Gawaine” for his annual check-up i.e. tires rotated, oil changed, fluids and belts checked, etc. In order to arrive safely at work this morning I made arrangements to be picked up at the service station by none other than my mother, Judy-Judy with the Bubblegum Booty. Well, at 70 years of age, my mother’s driving skills are, shall we say, a bit archaic. First of all, I have worked at the same office complex for roughly eight years. My mother has lived in the same town as I for all of those eight years. So why is it when I jump in her car she asks while I’m fastening my seatbelt…...“What’s the best way to get there from here?” We do not live in a vast metropolitan area; this is at best a large town. A town that during the summer months the population drops approximately 50% as our main source of income stems from two state universities, one community college, and state legislation. Hello Judy-Judy! This is not a $64,000.00 question. In fact, there are at best three possible routes: a good one, a bad one, and an “avoid it at all costs” one. Judy-Judy chose to go with the route behind curtain number four. Now picture if you will a town’s road system that was largely designed by a group of men from ADDA, the National Attention Deficit Disorder Association. We have enough one-way roads here in our lovely town to confuse even the most experienced of drivers. “This road heads north, this road heads south, that one goes east, that one goes west by southwest at 30° 23' latitude N by 84° 22' W longitude so don’t forget your GPS.” Now, another thing our roads are famous for is the old two right-hand turn lanes. As our state is ranked 49th of the 50 states in drivers’ skills (AlaBAMa of course being the worst) everybody and their mother wants to be in the far right-hand lane, turn right, and merge across seven lanes of traffic to get into the left-hand turn lane JUST around the bend. Judy-Judy does not drive a semi. Judy-Judy does not drive an SUV. Judy-Judy is why we are ranked 49th out of 50 states for drivers’ skills. OH MY GOITER! I was suppose to keep my mouth shut not once, but twice during the twelve minute drive to the office. Oh yeah, like THAT was gonna happen. And can I tell you how condescending mothers get when they exceed the age of 65? It is not a pretty picture I’m painting here. I arrived at the back of the parking lot and asked my mother if she was going to drop me of there at the holding pond or if she would mind driving me the last 400 yards to the back of the building. Hey it’s Florida but the sun hadn’t been up too terribly long so I wouldn’t have had to utilize my spare set of clothing had she not been so kind as to swing around the office complex parking lot. However, I think she realized it was going to take a moment or two to retract my nails from the dash and remove my shoes from the floorboard so she kindly drove me to the door. Gosh, sure am glad my girl Mindy was available to take me home!
