Okay, I’m going to tell you a few unknown things about myself in order for you to better understand what a red-letter day this is for me.
1. I’m a single mom
2. Of teenagers
3. That have way to many things in their agendas
4. I’m lazy
5. I enjoy eating, love food, and have no fears what-so-ever of becoming anorexic
6. The word “diet” is DIE with a T at the end and I – love – life
7. There are always other more important things on my plate than exercise
8. Like reading a book in a comfy chair on the back porch
9. Or Heroes or Survivor or any Law and Order show I can possibly find
10. Unless it’s the weekend then I’ll have the SciFi Channel on
11. I’m lazy
12. My man is a really big guy so it takes longer for me to feel over weight
13. I wear boy shorts and t-shirts so it’s covered pretty well
14. Okay, okay…..I’m lazy!
I brought the torture devise home Monday night. It was being hosted by Merlee Odell and she told me to “cum git that thang ‘cause it’s a jest settin’ thar not gittin’ used up.” (She’s a lot of fun to have a conversation with; especially after a beer or four.) I picked up my rather large spawn from football practice, loaded him up in the Expedition, and off we went to Merlee’s house. Now, Merlee’s son, Cletus, is spawn’s best friend. Cletus and spawn were both in their football gear and if you don’t have a child that plays football take heed – do NOT let them take off their shoes and/or socks, put their duffle bag too close to you, give you a hug, or any combination there of while you are in the car for more than you can hold your breath. You think tomcat pee smells bad? Nothing….its’ NOTHING compared to football practice sweat socks.
As I was saying, Spawn and I picked up the devise of suffering and brought it into the house. I parked it in my bedroom for a couple of reasons: one - it’s the only room that has any space and two - it’s the only room that has any space. You all have met my dog, Cooper. Cooper is not a small dog. However, when Mommy put that mean monster in her room, Cooper was afraid to come visit. So he sat outside my room and whined. Then he whined some more. And he finished his tirade with a big sign and the dropping of his head onto his front paws while staring at me dejectedly.
I digress yet again, sorry.
I go over my list of things I need to exercise:
Cell phone? Check!
All remote controls that I could possibly need during the next hour? Check!
And we’re off. Okay, raise your hand if you haven’t exercised in the past week. I see quite a few of you out there. Okay, raise your hand if you haven’t exercised in the past month. Magillicutty? I see there are still a lot of you out there. How about raising your hand if you haven’t exercised in the past three years. Oh look, I’m not the lone surviving apathetic loser. You other apathetic losers alone know where this is going. You understand the torturous hell my mind, body, and soul suffered at the hands of Pro-Form “The World’s Number One Fitness Brand”. Sure you’re number one, and the company is run by the Marquis de Sade.
I step up on the runner thingy, pop that green little plastic thing-a-ma-bob into the slot, twist the whozits and I’m off. Look! I’m trucking! This is awesome! Wait, let me take a sip from my water bottle because that’s what all the cool girls do. I know, I know, you’re getting a bit winded but that’s okay we’re in this together. My Lord look how time flies when you’re working out. WOW, can I really be this tired already? After only seventeen minutes? Am I done yet? Just make it until the next commercial break then we can quit. Dang, there’s a commercial now. I gotta do this a bit longer. Drink some more water, you can do this. Greaaaaaat, now I gotta pee. “SON! CAN YOU GET ME MORE WATER?” Why did I ask for more water? I have to pee. But I’m thirsty, really, really thirsty. My lips are dried and cracking just thinking of that water. What’s taking him so long? Come on you guys, Gibbs, McGee, Abby knows what she’s doing, listen to her! Dang, I gotta pee bad. Look, I’ve already been on here twenty-one minutes of the hour I wanted to do. Don’t see that happening. SON…..DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!? I NEED WATER! Crap, my shoe’s untied. Work it! Work it! Look, thirty-nine minutes and fifty-seven seconds, you can make it…..to forty minutes. DONE!