Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Enough About The Purge....For Now

I know you guys are tired of hearing me complain about the purging of my household items so I thought I would share with you an e-mail response to King Dork's sister. I received a note from The Beanster this weekend wishing me luck and asking if I was truly ready to have her brother move in with me; this is what I told her:

After much consideration and a few moments of dread, my mind and heart have been set. Yes, I'm ready for this. At first a bit of trepidation arose as I have not lived with a man in fourteen years (I don't think my kids remember living with their dad.) But the fear and anxiety were easily nullified by the fact that my chosen path of study in college has prepared me for this better than life itself. Chapter 8, page 209, of the very first text book I purchased toward a "proper education" covers the removal of bloodstains so that they may not be traced. In addition, Chapter 7 covers all trace evidence and how it is collected and Chapter 16 discusses all aspects of a homicide investigation. I highly recommend Barry A. J. Fisher's Techniques of Crime Scene Investigation for any wife or girlfriend that foresees complications or disagreements in their romantic relationships. (You can find the book used on-line, if need be.) Mr. Fisher has kindly covered all areas of crime scenes and what a technician looks for in order to "catch the bad guy." What we can take from this is to learn what NOT to do when eliminating those things from our lives that trouble us.

That being said, the only thing I’m dealing with right now is panic. I’ve lived in the same house for almost nineteen years. Do you KNOW how much stuff a woman can collect in a nineteen year period? Where in heaven’s name am I going to put all that stuff? I asked Bill if he thought he would need more than a drawer for his clothes. He said if he did I could purchase him a cardboard dresser. What a guy, huh?

My sugar-plum, candy-coated, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate bar dreams were shattered long ago. I, too, have a brother. LOL Nah, just kidding, my brother is actually one of my favorite people. Speaking of family, the only thing I see changing in your future are more trips to Florida. Our home is your home; my family is your family……really, they’re yours, take ‘em. I look forward to you and your clan heading down south to thaw out once or twice this winter so we look forward to seeing you guys soon.

I promise to take care of King Dork so don’t worry……Chapter 16 covers a lot. As for the Luck O’ The Irish, let us bow our heads and pray I can hold my liquor.

Love you guys and hope to see ALL of you soon,
p.s. We’ll have to compare stories of our childhood one of these days and see which ones are worse.
Think she got the picture?


Anonymous said...

I pray that you can hold your liquor.

MadMad said...

So... that blood-removal thing. Would it work for wine? Cuz I had a little accident on photo day with my new apron...

Kirsten said...

This should be interesting. Keep us posted! :)

Megan said...

Sounds like you covered all the bases.


i hate when my blood levels get too high in my alcohol...

Evil Genius said...

That textbook is a bit outdated. Although most of the techniques are still relevant, in this day and age you may need to think about DNA evidence collection as well. This might be a good time to invest in a nice, white, Tyvek suit with gloves and booties to wear should the need ever arise to...ahem...dispose of the body.

Meh. That cardboard dresser might come in handy after all.


Queen Goob said...

RC - I practiced last night - things are lookin' good.

MadMad - We perfected the technique last year at my mother's house during the Thanksgiving holidays.

Kristen - I'll even take pictures.....

Megan - Hey, I'm a "cover your bases" kinda gal.

IV - Don't worry, I'll be your designated driver.

Evil - LMAO, I have that suit - actually coverall - so bases covered! You're so cool to know that

Koolio said...

I think it's great that you're taking your relationship to the next level!

Although the perfect murder isn't quite what I thought 'the next level' would be. *snicker*