Monday, January 28, 2008

Do I Look That Desperate?

The spawn and I went out for some pizza to celebrate my elevation to the eighth circle of hell, bolgia ten - thank you Danté. Because we were celebrating, I thought "What the heck, let's splurge and order some bread stick with marinara sauce as well!" As the nubile, young, blonde female-child approached our table to deliver the appetizer, what do you think mine eyes beheld?

YES! This was delivered to our table. Right in front of me. In front of my teenaged, hormonal, I-stay-behind-a-locked-door-because-I-have-to kids. I glance to the left and see Barbie smirking with the other serving wenches while pointing directly at me. They think it funny to mock a middle-aged woman? A middle-aged woman who hasn’t seen her boyfriend in eight weeks and five days? I…think…not!

As my children rise to go to the restrooms to wash their hands (because I demanded they do so, and do so right now) I gently take the breadstick in hand, turn to face those immature, inexperienced girls and proceed to eat the thing whole.

So I'm a tad on the loney side and yes, I am that desperate.

The guys tossing pizza dough in the back gave me a standing ovation.

Hi, My Name is Marnie and I'm A Bad Mommy....Hi Marnie!

I’ve done the unthinkable. What I’ve repeatedly stated I would never do. My mantra (number 361) is no longer valid and must be sent to the dungeon that imprisons all other fallacious and erroneous mantras. (I LOVE my thesaurus!!) I wrote a paper for one of my kids. I hang my head in shame. I am going to hell.

Okay, okay… need to brand me with a scarlet “H” for hypocrite; I did not come up with the title or subject of the paper as that was already decided upon. And I actually made them read the material and highlight all of the subject areas to be include but I had stuff to do, people. I had to go to the grocery store, bathe the dog, drop off a truckload of Good Will items, and go to my mother’s in order to return her vacuum cleaner that had been at my house for 4½ weeks. I did NOT have the time to lollygag at the house waiting for my kid to write a paper on the downfall of the Knights Templar. Geez-mo-ninnies guys, do you know how long that would have taken? My entire Saturday was already kaput! I got nuthin’, nada, zilch, done and the clock was a tickin’. It was already Sunday high-noon and the guns were slingin’. I had a shootout with my mother scheduled and my horse was lame. I panicked, I take full responsibility, I have violated the unwritten and sacred law of parenting: “Thou shalt not composeth manuscripts for thy offspring.”

I was good, though. I used a few conjunctions and when it was finished, the Flesch-Kincaid reading level was appropriately a 10.7. I do these things because I care. Because I’m a good mommy. Because I’m trying my best to cover-up the fact that the 27th commandment had been broken. I am doomed.

Okee-dokee, pity party over. I’m cool now. I’ve bemoaned my fate for those that care. Like no one else has never done the same for their kid? No? Then your children obviously aren’t old enough yet to have papers and projects requiring display boards with asinine deadline dates assigned to them.

Bookmark this for later reference and we’ll drink a toast to your demise. God how I love stripping good parents of their morals and values for the good of mankind.

“The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.” – Darth Vader

p.s. I promise to take pictures of the man-dolls we have dressed in robes and burning at the stake. I take these pictures again…because I care…because one day you will thank me for providing you with a last minute idea for that project your child “forgot to tell you about and is due on Monday”. I have many…..MANY great ideas. I am your master.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Wii Hate Video Games

Every Christmas morning I, my two teenaged spawn of Satan, and my seventy-one year old mother gather for Christmas breakfast at my brother’s house. With the entire crew (mother excluded because she thinks we’re all bonkers) still clothed in our favorite flannel pajamas (yes, it actually gets chilly in Florida) we gorged on Sister Schubert’s Sausage Wrap Yeast Rolls, homemade monkey bread, and a selection of breakfast-type pork items. Suddenly, amid the sparkle and gaiety of that magical morning, my nine year old niece screamingly discovered the “most awesome” gift of the holiday season……a Wii. Once Beelzebub and Linda Blair spied the Wii their own roars and snarls of excitement filled the air.

Our gluttonous souls contented, we herded ourselves toward the living room to watch these lovely children partake in Christmas morning activities. Gathered around the big-screen television and after restlessly scrutinizing forty-seven minutes of syncing the handheld controllers we were finally ready to experience this revolutionary and effortless technology. Admiring the ease at which some of the games were played I inquired as to whether or not I may have a turn. The progeny said yes.

Three days later I was fit into my doctor’s excessively busy schedule for numerous cortisone shots due to the fact I wrenched an elbow, threw out a hip, twisted a shoulder, and stubbed a toe. All of this while trying to pick the booger from a giant nose with a wireless handheld “finger”. Thank goodness I had recently trimmed my nails.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Does Anyone Else Still Have Their Christmas Tree Up?

A co-worker and I were laughing about the fact that she and I both still have our Christmas trees up. Yeah, I know, I’m a slacker. I usually have the decorations up the weekend of Thanksgiving and down the weekend of Epiphany but here’s the thing. I didn’t get my decorations out of my mother’s attic until the Saturday after Thanksgiving. And see, my boyfriend was visiting that week and traveled all the way from Ohio to spend time with me………and the family. (Yeah right) So due to the fact I was “busy” that weekend I was a bit tardy putting up my decorations this year. When did I get them up, you ask? Hmmm, guess it was about December 16th that I finally finished putting all the decorations up. So let’s do the math, shall we? Had I put up the decoration the weekend of Thanksgiving as I normally do, and had taken them down and neatly packed away the weekend of Epiphany – that’s a full six weeks to enjoy the sparkling, shiny, and glorious holiday ribbons and garlands. So, if I didn’t get the celebratory decorations up until December 16th – six weeks makes it JANUARY 27th! I have another whole week to enjoy my holiday season and procrastinate taking down those dad-gum holiday goo-ga’s, ribbons, ornaments, and Santas! YEA ME!

I just thought of something.
She said her tree was artificial.
Mine’s not.
CRAP – I forgot to water the damn thing, too!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Who Needs Weight Watchers?

I had chicken for dinner last night and it made me think of my blog and how I’ve neglected my fans.

Last week I took a look at pictures from less than a year ago. May I be the first to state what a porker I am? As I would like to once again feel sexy in my turquoise flamingo and trailer park pajamas I’ve decided to count points the Weight Watchers way. According to the system, I have been allotted 20 – 25 points a day. As I’m a bit of a greedy girl, I’ve given myself the whole entire 25 points per day. Now, I’m not one to actually attend WW meetings BUT I did make the effort to steal my daughters point counting books so that I could determine just how much I’m eating a day vs. what I SHOULD be eating a day. I’m not very good with math (simple addition and subtraction tends to make me vomit) but I have devised my very own, specially formulated points counting system that I want to share with my friends, family, and loved ones.

Marnie’s Points

1. 2 points for eating only 7 chocolate chip cookies instead of the entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy.

2. 3 points for eating my double cheeseburger in the car before I get to the school to pick up the kids and they see that I stopped at McDonald’s and didn’t get them anything.

3. 1 point for removing the pickle and strategically throwing it out the window into oncoming traffic.

4. 1 point for it landing on the windshield of a sports car driven by a middle-aged man with a comb-over.

5. 5 points for using wheat pasta in any dish I make because it tastes like crap.

6. 5 additional points for actually eating it.

7. 3 points for the cease and desist of coffee drinking by 7:00 pm to alleviate that additional pound of sugar and ½ gallon of 2% milk consumption.

8. 2 points for not beating my kids senseless before they go to bed.

9. 1 point for chain-smoking in the evenings while I read my trashy romance novel.

10. 2 points for getting to bed before midnight.

There you go folks; feel free to indulge in the fun-filled activity of counting points to lose weight.

It works for me!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Why I Suck At Blogging

1. ….can’t think of anything to say.

2. No more internet at home due to teenagers surfing inappropriate sites.

3. No more internet because I hate MySpace.

4. No more internet because my son was struck dumb when I showed him that even though he deleted his history I could still see the sites he had visited on the web.

5. Once I start a list of things I get sidetracked because I’m ADD.

6. Oh look! A chicken!

7. Single parenting is time consuming.

8. I can’t wait until my kids get driver’s licenses.

9. Do you think they’ll run errands for me?

10. I really should have finished the dishes last night instead of watching "Ghost Hunters" on the Sci-Fi Channel.

11. Oh look! A chicken!