Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hospital Decorum

I received a call from my sister, “She Wishes She Looked Like Angelina Jolie But She’s Doesn’t and I Don’t Have The Nerve To Tell Her”, letting me know that Mom’s surgery went well and that they were in a recovery room awaiting to be moved to a hospital room for the duration of Mom’s stay. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH was bored and was wondering how soon it would be before I went to the hospital to sit with her in utter and total boredom because come on, who wants to be bored alone?

I changed out of my flamingo pajamas and into more appropriate clothing, grabbed my current Kylar Stern book, threw some snacks into my duffle bag posing as a purse, and headed out to the hospital just moments from my home. When I arrived I found that they had already moved Mom to her room so I wound my way up to the fifth floor and found where they had dumped her. As I walked in the room, I noticed the blank stare upon my sister’s face.

“DUDE!!!! What is up?” I whispered.

She swings around to face me and groans, “Oh. My. Lord….I am so glad you’re here! You have no idea how bored I am!”

I gently reminded her that I had been in that same pair of shoes just three months earlier so yes, I DID know how bored she was. The only difference, and it was a big one, was that I had to do it alone so SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH must owe me a six pack for my suffering. She relented because, well, because she’s nicer than I am.

As Mom was still asleep we thought it best to remain as quiet as we possibly could. This is not an easy thing when the two of us get together but we did our very best…for Mom. We pulled out our books and tried to read for about four minutes. We rearranged Mom’s bedside table for maximum usage so that she could grab what she needed after we left. We read for another three and a half minutes, twiddle our thumbs, squirmed in our seats, and finally realized this whole quiet thing was more difficult than anticipated. We looked around for things to amuse us and then there…right before our eyes…we – saw – this!
There it was, sitting prettily in my purse, my camera. I looked at SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she looked at me and both of us started to giggle. Now the two of us giggling in itself can cause a great deal of ruckus because I snort when I laugh really hard and her laugh is the antithesis of subtle.

First we had to make sure our giggling didn’t awaken Mom.
Whew cause quite frankly we were loud.

First I made her pose.
Then she made me pose.
(Anyone else notice that the hospital hung the picture above the bed upside down?)

I’m snorking, she’s sniggering, both of us making WAY too much noise.
“CRAP, did we wake her up?” I desperately try to whisper.

“OMG…….do you think she’s dead? Go poke her and see if she wakes up.”

“I’m not poking her YOU poke her.”

“No YOU poke her!”

“No YOU poke her!”

“I’m not poking her but I see her breathing so we’re still good….WHEW!” we both sigh in relief.

“HEY! I see you got a pedicure recently, SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, that looks good? Who does your toes?”

“Leilie over at Joe’s place, didn’t she do a good job?”
“Wait, that one’s blurry, show me again,” I ask of her.

“Hooker red looks good on you!”

“I know,” she replies

More snickering and giggling….. and then she shh’s me! SHE SHH’S ME!

“SSHHHHH, you’re gonna wake her up!” She insists.

“SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, she hasn’t moved in like forty-five minutes, I think we’re safe,” I grumble.

“Hey SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH, you know how our teenaged daughters take pictures of themselves for Facebook? I’m gonna do a self portrait just for you, ‘kay?”

SHIT!!! The flash is still on! I blinded myself! Holy Toledo, I really need to pluck my brows.”

SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH grabs the camera and tells me I’m a reject and that she can do better.

LOL – the flash is still on…..and she calls me a reject!

“Do it again! Do it again!” I appeal in the quietest voice I can manage.

SNAP
CLICK

“OOHHHHH, you’re good!” I tell her. “Here, let me! Let Me!” I insist.
“I turned the flash off! Crap!”
BAD
WORSE
“I’m not doing it right.”
By now we’re laughing so hard the nurses passing the room outside in the hallway are looking in to see what’s going on. SWSLLAJBSDAIDHTNTTH and I are holding our noses while laughing so as not to make too much noise. This makes us spray spittle all over the place which makes us laugh harder.

“SSHHHHH!!!! She’s gonna wake up!!!” I inform my sister.

Not while she’s on morphine we won’t!

With stomachs hurting from laughing too hard we quietly….or NOT so quietly…put away the camera with the hopes of recovering our decorum.
But not for long!

29 comments:

Jess said...

LMAO! That was GREAT! I have been looking forward to this post for a while! It reminds me of me and my mother in the hospital setting...of course me and my bros would do the same thing too!

CSymons said...

You. Are. The. Bomb!!! Can I be you when I FIANLLY grow up? PLEASE?!?!?! I'll be your best friend!

Karen ^..^ said...

Awwwww, my sister and I are like that. That is a really cute story!

The Prodigal Son said...

I'm telling mom!

VE said...

That acronym just rolls right off the tongue...

Queen Goob said...

Son - I know where you live and I know secrets to tell your wife AND your mother.

Queen Goob said...

Jess - We were laughing SO hard in there!

CSY - Why yes you can BUT you gotta grow up first.

Karen - Are sisters the BEST?!?!?

VE - My sister and I were JUST talking about that moments before you commented.

Giggle Pixie said...

I SNORT TOO!!!! And I TOTALLY snorted while reading this! You two are hysterical. God I wish I had grown up having a sister.

And after she sees these pictures (and/or reads this post), your mom will probably GLADLY give me one of you. Or maybe both! hehehehehe!!!!

Dr Zibbs said...

You should put a red clown nose on her then take some pictures. Please?

Then you can make a blog called Momma Clown using her pictures. Give her a link to the blog site on her birthday.

WA said...

You know, of course, that you just gave your own kids a great idea for what to do to YOU in 20 years, right?

Gladys said...

Your MOM is going to Kill you! She is going to come out of the morphine induced happy place and knock the everloving shit out of you. Then you'll be sorry young lady! I mean if everyone else was jumping off a cliff would you too?

Ooops sorry I was channeling my mother.

When my mother, the nurse, was in for her broken hip we actually posed her while she was out. She did knock the shit out of us when she woke up.

Bee said...

Damn! You guys had a ton of fun and I'm calling you the next time I have to sit with someone after surgery! (hopefully I won't need to since I really don't want anybody I know to have surgery, ya know?)

Megan said...

Woot! Totally lived up to the expectations - and beyond!!!

Can I tell you a truly horrible thing? My sister and I would have sat there for about five minutes, then looked at each other and said, "She's totally out. Smoke break?"

Suzanne said...

I always say my sisters make me laugh harder than anyone else. I was having an insanely hard day yesterday, my younger sister called and we laughed our asses off about nothing really!!!

I've been waiting for this post. So glad you finally found your balls. Too funny!!!! Poor mom, but she'll recover because she gave birth to the two of you and knows true pain. This is nothing.

I'm going to have to look up Gladys because my mom use to say "If you don't knock it off I'm going to knock the shit out of you." Hummmmmmmmmmmmm? She never did, but it was the funniest phrase. My mom...the comedian.

XO

kylie said...

jeez, if you posted a picture like that of me....

several pictures, in fact.....

i'd have your guts for garters (and thats chanelling my mum)

and who ever thinks of photographing an out of it patient??

i loooove this post, goobie and your self portraits are waaay better than mine

snork away!
k

CSymons said...

Ok - but I'll grow up when you do...hehehe!

I have some new professions your mom can do now that she has a brand, spanking new hip! Plese see below:

1) She can revive her go-go dancing days
2) She can be a burlesque dancer..."Let me entertain you"...Gypsy Rose, we don't need no stinkin' Gypsy Rose!
3) Pole dancer...there's a HIGH demand for 'mature' dancers in West Palm Beach...at the retirement communities...dirty old men!
4) Zigfield Folly Girl...Dancing around on stage for a bunch of horny men...Do you see a pattern here?
5) Sylvester Stallone stand in for the next RAMBO movie - at least its something OTHER than a stripper...Brother should be happy!

Hey! They're only ideas...just remember if Brother and Sister read this, I got your ok first! I LOVE your mom!!!

just bob said...

Funny stuff... almost like Scrubs but real life.

Cece said...

Sisters.
Sometimes you want to kill them but, you always love em. No matter what!

A great post, Goobie.

Gig said...

Great pics Goobie!! I will have to remember not to let my granddaughters near me if I am ever in need of help!! They take my camera now...I don't want them to get any ideas,LOL!!

gig

Bonnie the Boss said...

I really enjoyed that! My sister and I can get like that too.
I think the last pic of the two of you is my fave!
Plus I love your new Profile pic.
The name you came up with for your sis. Good stuff. How do you remember to even type it in right, and would anyone know if you didn't?

Suzanne said...

This is still too damn funny. Came back to read the comments and can't stop laughing. God I love you!!! Baby, I finally emailed! ;)

Mr. Shife said...

Like Suzanne said this is too damn funny. You guys had a good time and made us all laugh. Thanks for sharing.

Magpie said...

Your poor mother. Though I did take a picture of mine while she was gearing up to have a sonogram...

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