Weekend Plans.....

Is anyone else addicted to the search for the perfect house? I love house hunting. It sooths my pathetic soul when I fill it with dreams of owning what I consider the perfect home. I like old, historic houses and if given the opportunity…..and a whole lot of money…..would gladly move into a small, secluded farm house that was build in the 1800’s.

HOLD IT MISSY!

You have a house!

An old house, to boot.

My conscience then reminds me of my fourteen paged to do list that is currently wallpapering the outside of my refrigerator.

I hate my conscience.

So much for the relaxing, kid-free weekend I had previously planned to spend with the seven Harry Potter books and five movies.

DRAT! I even had a bottle of wine chilling!

Driving Do's and Don'ts

You’ve previously heard me lovingly discuss the roadways of my fluidity challenged hometown. For future reference, fluidity will hereby be symbolized by: φ = 1 / η or F = 1 / η As a parent of exceedingly impressionable teenaged children I have found the need to become rather inventive with my defensive driving techniques. In the hopes of providing my friends and readers with creative ways to defend their own driving while providing a learning environment for their children, I’ve come up with a list entitled Driving Do’s and Don’ts.

DON’T hit the repetitive speed bumps at speeds higher than the designated 30 mph just to see how “airborne” you can get. This ultimately leads to the discussion of the importance of proper getaway car driving techniques.

DO read up on getaway car driving techniques - especially if you have boys. They are quite impressed with you when you are able to use words such as “torque”, “duel exhaust”, and “horsepower”. But remember ladies, one must be able to back-up the “knowledge” with some key phrases such as “in 1964, Ford introduced a heavily modified Fairlane through the incorporation of a 427 inch or 7.0 liter V8 big block with two four-barrel carburetors on a high-riser manifold and ram-air through the openings left by deleting the inboard headlights.” You do not have to understand the verbiage just enjoy those few moments of silence when their jaws drop to their precious, safety-belted laps.

DON’T get angry at the lesser circumference of the turnabout in the middle of the street two blocks down from your own and in retribution of the city road crew not leaving enough clearance for your SUV to take the turn, cross the diameter of the turnabout and take out the crepe myrtle they lovingly planted for that oh so important “green” effect.

DO remember to incorporate in a smooth and even tone a few key mathematical terms such as “quadrature rule”, “cubature”, “interpolation”, and “trigonometric polynomial”. And try to remember the number one rule of thumb: the skill lies in the removal of that piee of crap, mutant crape myrtle tree in one drive-by without the need to throw your car in reverse and hit it again.

DON’T use derogatory words of description when referencing a fellow driver holding a mobile phone devise to their ear while trying to consume that double cheeseburger you saw them purchase because you were one car behind them in the drive-thru.

DO go home this evening and locate your Moto Q9 phone’s user guide and turn to page 3,722. This page will discuss how to utilize what we call our wireless personal area networks or PANs - “Bluetooth” as it is known to us mere mortals. This will provide you a way to connect your mobile phone device with your best friend without actually removing your hands from the steering wheel. Once you have learned how to use your Bluetooth devise, you may THEN use derogatory words of description. Post Scriptum- For those who have children between the ages of two and four, this is especially useful when dispensing idle threats involving Santa, The Easter Bunny, and/or The Tooth Fairy. If you have a voice-activated phone, “program” bogus phone numbers into your phone and when required, click, dial, and let Santa know what’s going on with Johnny and Timmy there in the backseat.

DON’T use words describing a driver’s intelligence, driving skill, social class, species, or ancestry that your children hear at the local trailer park or recreation center. These words are what we call “the four H’s”: hurtful, hateful, harmful, hostile.

DO involve you children by inviting them to join your repertoire of synonyms involving colorful phases such as “long-legged, fish-lipped, ugly-butt, snot-raggin’ bo bo”. Ask Timmy what he calls his brother, Johnny, when Johnny has tied him to his bed so that he can cut Timmy’s hair. “You’re right Timmy, that man driving ahead of us IS a poo-poo-doo-doo head!”

Remember, mommies, it’s all about education and providing your children with a wholesome, respectable, and virtuous environment. Make the most out of those long car rides taken during rush hour traffic and provide a daily lesson in humility.

Outside My Office Window

The weather is bad this afternoon so I won't be on long.
Here's what it looks like outside my office window:

My God I Look Old!

Driving home one afternoon last week, I called my buddy “Magillicutty”. During our conversation of daughter drama, son procrastination, and all around parenting nightmares she proceeded to inform me that Oprah had on her show a gentleman by the name of Dr. Oz discussing how we can all keep our bodies younger than our actual age. She went on to tell me there was an age test and a list of things we can do to look younger than we actually are. The test indicates what our “actual age” is in comparison to “how we treat our bodies and how old they are because of it” age.

I wanted that test.

No, I needed that test.

I wanted to prove to myself I am in better shape than all of my family and friends continue to advise me I am.

“Magill, you have got to send me the link to the test and the list of things I can do to see how young I am and how good I look. My mom will shit her pants when I show her I’m in better shape than she is even though she works out three times a week, actually watches her diet, and walks two miles every single God blessed day.” (No bitterness there, is there?)

I took the test and received the list; my results and reactions are below.

Calendar Age42.3
Difference+11.2
My RealAge53.6

My mother scored better than me, damn it!

Real Age Test:
http://www.realage.com/ralong/entry4.aspx?cbr=OPRH06


Here is the list of things you can do to help yourself look and feel younger.

1. Give yourself a break
Once or twice daily, for 10 to 20 minutes. On each exhale, repeat your mantra. If other thoughts try to invade, tell yourself, "Oh, well," and return to your word or phrase. When you're done, keep your eyes closed for an extra minute; slowly allow everyday thoughts to flow back into your mind.

-Yeah thanks, Gandhi, I’ll jump right on that relaxation technique as soon as I find a place to hide from my teenaged-mutant-spawn. Oh, and that mantra? I get to make up my own, right?

2. Consume more fat

Virtually every expert agrees that you need two grams of omega-3 fatty acids a day.

- Oh, I so got this covered. Raspberries and strawberries are both foods that provide the omega-3 fatty acids, as do shrimp and scallops. SO – if I eat a pound of steamed shrimp, a pound of broiled scallops followed by a dessert of raspberries and strawberries covered in chocolate I would ingest enough omega-3 to instantly cure my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or ADHD (OH LOOK, a chicken!), obesity (thank you baby Jesus…..), and osteoarthritis. My God – it’s a miracle!

3. Get off the couch

Make time for three 20-minute workouts a week. Run, bike, swim, dance -- do whatever you enjoy most.

- How about I make time for those three weekly works outs by moving my fat ass off the couch and taking it to my bedroom for a “real” nap.

4. Feel the love

Banish boredom and isolation at all costs. Rekindle the flames with your partner. Or discover a new love in the form of a mental or physical pursuit. Do whatever it is that makes you feel energized and alive.

-Does going to Baskin Robbins for dollar scoop night count?

5. Drink red wine

Until an optimally potent resveratrol (antibacterial and anti-fungal chemicals) pill is available, enjoy red wine, but it's best to follow the latest alcohol guidelines from the American Medical Association and drink no more than one glass (5 ounces) a day for your health.

- Fuck my health and pass me the bottle!!!

6. Do yoga
Practice yoga or other mind-body activities at least twice a week for an energy boost, to help build bone mass, and de-stress.

- I did yoga once. My sister-in-law informed me she would NEVER take me back for one of her classes; barking in downward dog is NOT acceptable.

7. Bite into a superfruit
Snack on a handful of dried goji berries throughout the day. Be sure to buy ones from Tibet, because they have high serum levels*. Drink pomegranate juice. Not a fan of the flavor? Buy it in concentrate and add a tablespoonful daily to kefir.

1. Tibetan goji berries sounds like the redneck name for yak balls – thanks but no thanks.
2. During my research to find out what the hell a goji actually was I ran across this little tidbit: Commercial export production of wolfberries (goji) in the Tibetan Himalayas must be a myth fabricated for a marketing advantage, as this mountain range bordering the Tibetan Plateau is a region inhospitable to commercial cultivation of plant foods of any kind. (thanks Wikipedia)
3. How much more of this article/information is bullshit?

4. What the HELL is “kefir”???

8. Sip green tea
Sip two or three cups daily for the ultimate health benefits; we suggest Tazo China Green Tips tea.

- Let me guess…..those green tips come from Tibet.

9. Slather your skin with supplements
Look for skin creams containing retinols. Use it only at night, since it doesn't include an SPF. Or try products containing alpha lipoic acid. Protect your skin against free radicals and stimulate collagen growth. Finally, be sure to use a broad-spectrum sunblock every day to protect against UVA and UVB rays, which cause aging and skin cancer.

- Slathering anything on my body is just not going to happen. That sounds and feels (I’m sure) totally and completely disgusting!

10. Do mental aerobics
Strengthen your mind every day by doing brain games that use numbers, sequences, and word play to condition the left and right spheres of the brain.

- Well, the idiot that wrote this article is obviously not raising children. They have no understanding of the intellectual capacity required in the deciphering of a child’s excuse of why something happened. This skill involves the use of advanced mathematics, statistics, physics, engineering, and in some cases, limited knowledge of aerodynamics. Brain games my ass.

Needless to say I will never again broach the subject of how I treat my body within hearing range of my mother. She tends to rub things in so badly they leave raw spots and sores.

But I love her madly…..

I'm Lame.....

As I’ve been fighting the flu for a week and I truly do not have the brain cells it takes to think of something funny I thought I’d cheat and take something from the web instead.


ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES


Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Deer Kill 17,000

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors






http://my.opera.com/MsBeHaven/blog/2008/01/24/these-are-actual-newspaper-headlines-funny

Softball In The South

My daughter had her very first softball game last night. There were thunderstorms and a tornado watch but by God those girls were out on the field. And when I say “field” I mean field. There was a green “screen” on the other side of the softball diamond’s fence to keep the cows from interrupting the game.

On our way home from the school last night she called her dad and left a message telling him they won 19 – 0 and that she had hit a ball into the cow field, hitting one on the head and winning a free hamburger for such an awesome hit.

Our team lost…11 – 0

Two of the opposing team members got hit in the head by balls thrown by our players.

She had a fun time so I guess that counts for something.

I must say it seems that inbreeding has a positive affect in the sport of softball; I was glad to make it home last night.

My VD Candy

Ohhhhh, look what the computer-tard was taught this week!

THANKS MARIE!!!!
(p.s. - tell your husband I love his name and promise not to try and convince you the spelling should be in its ancient form.....)

Hi, My Name Is Marnie and I'm A Computer-Tard! Hi Marnie!

I know some of you will want to know what my valentine’s candy messages say because you know they’re gonna be better that the real ones.

Here's what the hearts say – left to right; top to bottom.

(I know there’s an html fix to open the picture from yesterday's post in another window but I am SUCH a computer-tard I don’t understand how to fix the code.)

Happy VD!
We’re in church, don’t make me spank you!
NO!
Get out of my bathroom!
How in the hell do you flunk P.E.???
The maid quit, moved to Mexico and it’s all your fault!
Calgon take me away.
Please don’t set your sister on fire.
Don’t make me come in there!
You want clean clothes….wash ‘em yourself!
Stop it, you two, right this instant!
Mom…the cat puked on your bed!
Where’s my dinner, Woman?
Stop feeding the dog crayons to turn his poop colors.
I’m so t-u-r-d tired I could f-a-r-t faint.
Mommy will be fine, she just needs a beer.
BITE ME!
Leave me the hell alone.
Oh fer cryin’ out loud!
JEEZ-MO-NINNIES!
Kiss my ever lovin’ white dimply butt!
Oh sweet Mary, Mother of God!

Gosh, there's so much love there it just give you goosebumps, doesn't it?

Enjoy Your V.D.

I'm going to admit something I rarely say aloud: I am a holiday FREAK. I love the holidays. I love everything about them. I love the colors, the smells, the commercialization, the fact that I can shop at Target, Marshals, or Stein Mart and actually validate spending money on meaningless, tawdry, and vulgar decorations. My holiday decoration shopping mantra (mantra number 164) is “The Tackier, The Better”. I do, however, draw the line at the battery operated, press-the-toe mechanical dancing animals that no matter how much you pay for, always play the absolutely worst music. And really, how many of us want an animated lion gyrating his hips while belting out “You better move it, move it”. How romantic is that? It makes me think I’m not getting dinner on the table and a beer into my man’s hand fast enough. Like that’s ever gonna happen. My name is not June Cleaver so get up off your fat ass and get your own damn beer, Buddy!

Forgive me. I was having horrible flashbacks of a relationship gone wrong many....many years ago.

So anywho, I had to run to my least favorite discount store this weekend because their big storage bins were on sale and I seem to have accumulated even more Christmas decorations this year even though I promised myself I wouldn’t purchase any more "Winter Holiday" goo-ga’s. (Practicing my political correctness, hope it was noticed). Walking through Sam Walton’s worst nightmare (I know he’s rolling in his grave, God love him.) I spy just ahead banners of red, white, and pink gently waving in the breeze from faint gusts of air conditioning. Beckoning….beckoning….”come hither, young doe; seek and ye shall find”. I struggle with my inner voices.

“Go Marnie; behold the wonders just steps away.”

“No! No! Cast ye off Satan for I shall not be tempted”.

Guess who won.

It wasn’t baby Jesus.

That white angel? The one that used to sit on my left shoulder? He’s gone now.

I am now the proud new owner of the following:
· Pink fuzzy slippers that have red sequined hearts all over them.
· Matching Valentine’s Day pajamas.
· Pink fuzzy slippers that have red sequined hearts all over them for my daughter.
· Matching Valentine’s Day pajamas for my daughter.
· Two pairs of boxer briefs – one with hearts and one that has the word “naughty” all over them in red probably left over from Christmas but hey, they were really cute!
· A very pretty, red beaded, square, over-sized table charger.
· A silver serving platter.
· Three red, cranberry scented pillar candles 3, 4, and 6 inches in height.
· One yard of red iridescent chiffon.
· Two bags of chocolate bite-sized Hershey candy bars.
· One bag of Cinnamon hearts.
· One bag of those nasty, Necco hearts that have the cutesy little sayings on them.

This last item I purchased brought on much angst. It had been some time since I’d had the pleasure of reading these fun, little, bit-sized bits of love. Hmmm, are these things I truly want to say to my loved ones? Will my loved ones honestly know these sentiments come straight from my heart? No? I didn’t think so, either. So in the spirit of the holiday and for mothers, wives, girlfriends, and loved one everywhere, I present you with my very own version of Holiday Heart Candy.

Happy Valentine's Day!

(If you have difficulties reading the hearts I'll be glad to provide the text for any who request it.....because I care.)

(I'm an code-writing retard and don't understand the fix!!!)