Thursday, February 28, 2008

Driving Do's and Don'ts

You’ve previously heard me lovingly discuss the roadways of my fluidity challenged hometown. For future reference, fluidity will hereby be symbolized by: φ = 1 / η or F = 1 / η As a parent of exceedingly impressionable teenaged children I have found the need to become rather inventive with my defensive driving techniques. In the hopes of providing my friends and readers with creative ways to defend their own driving while providing a learning environment for their children, I’ve come up with a list entitled Driving Do’s and Don’ts.

DON’T hit the repetitive speed bumps at speeds higher than the designated 30 mph just to see how “airborne” you can get. This ultimately leads to the discussion of the importance of proper getaway car driving techniques.

DO read up on getaway car driving techniques - especially if you have boys. They are quite impressed with you when you are able to use words such as “torque”, “duel exhaust”, and “horsepower”. But remember ladies, one must be able to back-up the “knowledge” with some key phrases such as “in 1964, Ford introduced a heavily modified Fairlane through the incorporation of a 427 inch or 7.0 liter V8 big block with two four-barrel carburetors on a high-riser manifold and ram-air through the openings left by deleting the inboard headlights.” You do not have to understand the verbiage just enjoy those few moments of silence when their jaws drop to their precious, safety-belted laps.

DON’T get angry at the lesser circumference of the turnabout in the middle of the street two blocks down from your own and in retribution of the city road crew not leaving enough clearance for your SUV to take the turn, cross the diameter of the turnabout and take out the crepe myrtle they lovingly planted for that oh so important “green” effect.

DO remember to incorporate in a smooth and even tone a few key mathematical terms such as “quadrature rule”, “cubature”, “interpolation”, and “trigonometric polynomial”. And try to remember the number one rule of thumb: the skill lies in the removal of that piee of crap, mutant crape myrtle tree in one drive-by without the need to throw your car in reverse and hit it again.

DON’T use derogatory words of description when referencing a fellow driver holding a mobile phone devise to their ear while trying to consume that double cheeseburger you saw them purchase because you were one car behind them in the drive-thru.

DO go home this evening and locate your Moto Q9 phone’s user guide and turn to page 3,722. This page will discuss how to utilize what we call our wireless personal area networks or PANs - “Bluetooth” as it is known to us mere mortals. This will provide you a way to connect your mobile phone device with your best friend without actually removing your hands from the steering wheel. Once you have learned how to use your Bluetooth devise, you may THEN use derogatory words of description. Post Scriptum- For those who have children between the ages of two and four, this is especially useful when dispensing idle threats involving Santa, The Easter Bunny, and/or The Tooth Fairy. If you have a voice-activated phone, “program” bogus phone numbers into your phone and when required, click, dial, and let Santa know what’s going on with Johnny and Timmy there in the backseat.

DON’T use words describing a driver’s intelligence, driving skill, social class, species, or ancestry that your children hear at the local trailer park or recreation center. These words are what we call “the four H’s”: hurtful, hateful, harmful, hostile.

DO involve you children by inviting them to join your repertoire of synonyms involving colorful phases such as “long-legged, fish-lipped, ugly-butt, snot-raggin’ bo bo”. Ask Timmy what he calls his brother, Johnny, when Johnny has tied him to his bed so that he can cut Timmy’s hair. “You’re right Timmy, that man driving ahead of us IS a poo-poo-doo-doo head!”

Remember, mommies, it’s all about education and providing your children with a wholesome, respectable, and virtuous environment. Make the most out of those long car rides taken during rush hour traffic and provide a daily lesson in humility.

2 comments:

WA said...

Genius.
Teenagers learning to drive--I think I just felt a chill. God bless you, woman.

Melissaria said...

That made me laugh - particularly because I am a bit concerned at the moment that the first complete sentence out of my little boy's mouth is looking likely to be 'tedious, BMW driving arsehole...'

Hope to be a driving instructor once I'm done having kids, so will be able to drum safety into them from a professional perspective!