My God I Look Old!

Driving home one afternoon last week, I called my buddy “Magillicutty”. During our conversation of daughter drama, son procrastination, and all around parenting nightmares she proceeded to inform me that Oprah had on her show a gentleman by the name of Dr. Oz discussing how we can all keep our bodies younger than our actual age. She went on to tell me there was an age test and a list of things we can do to look younger than we actually are. The test indicates what our “actual age” is in comparison to “how we treat our bodies and how old they are because of it” age.

I wanted that test.

No, I needed that test.

I wanted to prove to myself I am in better shape than all of my family and friends continue to advise me I am.

“Magill, you have got to send me the link to the test and the list of things I can do to see how young I am and how good I look. My mom will shit her pants when I show her I’m in better shape than she is even though she works out three times a week, actually watches her diet, and walks two miles every single God blessed day.” (No bitterness there, is there?)

I took the test and received the list; my results and reactions are below.

Calendar Age42.3
Difference+11.2
My RealAge53.6

My mother scored better than me, damn it!

Real Age Test:
http://www.realage.com/ralong/entry4.aspx?cbr=OPRH06


Here is the list of things you can do to help yourself look and feel younger.

1. Give yourself a break
Once or twice daily, for 10 to 20 minutes. On each exhale, repeat your mantra. If other thoughts try to invade, tell yourself, "Oh, well," and return to your word or phrase. When you're done, keep your eyes closed for an extra minute; slowly allow everyday thoughts to flow back into your mind.

-Yeah thanks, Gandhi, I’ll jump right on that relaxation technique as soon as I find a place to hide from my teenaged-mutant-spawn. Oh, and that mantra? I get to make up my own, right?

2. Consume more fat

Virtually every expert agrees that you need two grams of omega-3 fatty acids a day.

- Oh, I so got this covered. Raspberries and strawberries are both foods that provide the omega-3 fatty acids, as do shrimp and scallops. SO – if I eat a pound of steamed shrimp, a pound of broiled scallops followed by a dessert of raspberries and strawberries covered in chocolate I would ingest enough omega-3 to instantly cure my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or ADHD (OH LOOK, a chicken!), obesity (thank you baby Jesus…..), and osteoarthritis. My God – it’s a miracle!

3. Get off the couch

Make time for three 20-minute workouts a week. Run, bike, swim, dance -- do whatever you enjoy most.

- How about I make time for those three weekly works outs by moving my fat ass off the couch and taking it to my bedroom for a “real” nap.

4. Feel the love

Banish boredom and isolation at all costs. Rekindle the flames with your partner. Or discover a new love in the form of a mental or physical pursuit. Do whatever it is that makes you feel energized and alive.

-Does going to Baskin Robbins for dollar scoop night count?

5. Drink red wine

Until an optimally potent resveratrol (antibacterial and anti-fungal chemicals) pill is available, enjoy red wine, but it's best to follow the latest alcohol guidelines from the American Medical Association and drink no more than one glass (5 ounces) a day for your health.

- Fuck my health and pass me the bottle!!!

6. Do yoga
Practice yoga or other mind-body activities at least twice a week for an energy boost, to help build bone mass, and de-stress.

- I did yoga once. My sister-in-law informed me she would NEVER take me back for one of her classes; barking in downward dog is NOT acceptable.

7. Bite into a superfruit
Snack on a handful of dried goji berries throughout the day. Be sure to buy ones from Tibet, because they have high serum levels*. Drink pomegranate juice. Not a fan of the flavor? Buy it in concentrate and add a tablespoonful daily to kefir.

1. Tibetan goji berries sounds like the redneck name for yak balls – thanks but no thanks.
2. During my research to find out what the hell a goji actually was I ran across this little tidbit: Commercial export production of wolfberries (goji) in the Tibetan Himalayas must be a myth fabricated for a marketing advantage, as this mountain range bordering the Tibetan Plateau is a region inhospitable to commercial cultivation of plant foods of any kind. (thanks Wikipedia)
3. How much more of this article/information is bullshit?

4. What the HELL is “kefir”???

8. Sip green tea
Sip two or three cups daily for the ultimate health benefits; we suggest Tazo China Green Tips tea.

- Let me guess…..those green tips come from Tibet.

9. Slather your skin with supplements
Look for skin creams containing retinols. Use it only at night, since it doesn't include an SPF. Or try products containing alpha lipoic acid. Protect your skin against free radicals and stimulate collagen growth. Finally, be sure to use a broad-spectrum sunblock every day to protect against UVA and UVB rays, which cause aging and skin cancer.

- Slathering anything on my body is just not going to happen. That sounds and feels (I’m sure) totally and completely disgusting!

10. Do mental aerobics
Strengthen your mind every day by doing brain games that use numbers, sequences, and word play to condition the left and right spheres of the brain.

- Well, the idiot that wrote this article is obviously not raising children. They have no understanding of the intellectual capacity required in the deciphering of a child’s excuse of why something happened. This skill involves the use of advanced mathematics, statistics, physics, engineering, and in some cases, limited knowledge of aerodynamics. Brain games my ass.

Needless to say I will never again broach the subject of how I treat my body within hearing range of my mother. She tends to rub things in so badly they leave raw spots and sores.

But I love her madly…..