Monday, February 4, 2008

Enjoy Your V.D.

I'm going to admit something I rarely say aloud: I am a holiday FREAK. I love the holidays. I love everything about them. I love the colors, the smells, the commercialization, the fact that I can shop at Target, Marshals, or Stein Mart and actually validate spending money on meaningless, tawdry, and vulgar decorations. My holiday decoration shopping mantra (mantra number 164) is “The Tackier, The Better”. I do, however, draw the line at the battery operated, press-the-toe mechanical dancing animals that no matter how much you pay for, always play the absolutely worst music. And really, how many of us want an animated lion gyrating his hips while belting out “You better move it, move it”. How romantic is that? It makes me think I’m not getting dinner on the table and a beer into my man’s hand fast enough. Like that’s ever gonna happen. My name is not June Cleaver so get up off your fat ass and get your own damn beer, Buddy!

Forgive me. I was having horrible flashbacks of a relationship gone wrong many....many years ago.

So anywho, I had to run to my least favorite discount store this weekend because their big storage bins were on sale and I seem to have accumulated even more Christmas decorations this year even though I promised myself I wouldn’t purchase any more "Winter Holiday" goo-ga’s. (Practicing my political correctness, hope it was noticed). Walking through Sam Walton’s worst nightmare (I know he’s rolling in his grave, God love him.) I spy just ahead banners of red, white, and pink gently waving in the breeze from faint gusts of air conditioning. Beckoning….beckoning….”come hither, young doe; seek and ye shall find”. I struggle with my inner voices.

“Go Marnie; behold the wonders just steps away.”

“No! No! Cast ye off Satan for I shall not be tempted”.

Guess who won.

It wasn’t baby Jesus.

That white angel? The one that used to sit on my left shoulder? He’s gone now.

I am now the proud new owner of the following:
· Pink fuzzy slippers that have red sequined hearts all over them.
· Matching Valentine’s Day pajamas.
· Pink fuzzy slippers that have red sequined hearts all over them for my daughter.
· Matching Valentine’s Day pajamas for my daughter.
· Two pairs of boxer briefs – one with hearts and one that has the word “naughty” all over them in red probably left over from Christmas but hey, they were really cute!
· A very pretty, red beaded, square, over-sized table charger.
· A silver serving platter.
· Three red, cranberry scented pillar candles 3, 4, and 6 inches in height.
· One yard of red iridescent chiffon.
· Two bags of chocolate bite-sized Hershey candy bars.
· One bag of Cinnamon hearts.
· One bag of those nasty, Necco hearts that have the cutesy little sayings on them.

This last item I purchased brought on much angst. It had been some time since I’d had the pleasure of reading these fun, little, bit-sized bits of love. Hmmm, are these things I truly want to say to my loved ones? Will my loved ones honestly know these sentiments come straight from my heart? No? I didn’t think so, either. So in the spirit of the holiday and for mothers, wives, girlfriends, and loved one everywhere, I present you with my very own version of Holiday Heart Candy.

Happy Valentine's Day!

(If you have difficulties reading the hearts I'll be glad to provide the text for any who request it.....because I care.)

(I'm an code-writing retard and don't understand the fix!!!)


Marie said...

I would like to know what the hearts say.

They had chocolate ones at Target yesterday, but they looked gross. They also had a cupid Mr. Potato Head, and I was thinking "who would want that?"

I love all the holiday stuff too, but my husband is a universal Scrooge. Drives me crazy!

WA said...

Funny, funny!
So YOU'RE the one who buys all of that stuff. Well, good for you. I'm sure the Chinese economy appreciates your support. And I'm with you on the singing animals--rumor has it there's a penguin who sings "I'm Just A Love Machine" at the bottom of our neighborhood pond.