Tuesday, April 29, 2008

All In The Family

This past weekend the spawn spent time with FAPOS (acronym for Fat Ass Piece Of Shit) or, as I usually refer to their dad, Satan. He doesn’t live here in town so they only have to see him (oops, did I say that) every other weekend. As he was not in town for their birthdays a week and a half ago, a party was planned for his side of the family to get together and celebrate spawn’s and spawnette’s birthdays. Now before eyes start rolling and heads start shaking, I need to fill you in and let you guys get to know “the other side of the family” before you start to judge.

I. Love. My. Ex.’s. Parents. Big Daddy and Grandma are two of the most wonderful people I know. I never married their only off-spring but to me they are still my family. FAPOS and I split up approximately fourteen years ago and had it not been for his parents, our lives (the spawn and I) would have been extremely difficult. It goes to prove that even though we are well educated, loving, compassionate, and God-fearing people, there’s no guarantee our kids will be. Crap, that means my children still have the capability of turning into serial killers, arsonists, or stock-brokers.

So anywho, back to the party. You already know I’m from the South. Big Daddy is one of three locals left that is actually a native of our “Just This Side Of The Georgia State Line” town. Grandma was born and raised in Alabama. As you can imagine, it’s a totally different dialect when we’re visiting their home. Now, the birthday parties aren’t just for parents and grandparents, no-siree-bob! We invite the whole family: aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, the whole kit n’ kabootle. And can the family arrive just baring gifts? No, they bring along with them any livestock within arms reach as they jump into their cars on their way across town. The finally tally was as follows: one mom, one FAPOS, one grandfather, two grandmothers, three aunts, three uncles, one niece, four nephews, three dogs, three kittens (that were trying to be handed off to any unsuspecting family member), and four baby chickens. Chickens, I say…..CHICKENS! Someone brought frickin’ chickens to my childrens’ birthday celebration!

Hey, at least I knew what we were having for dinner.

12 comments:

Bee said...

Well did they cook 'em??
The chickens I mean. :o)

Alice said...

I was going to comment on your chicken problems since I'm a chicken hater, but I was TOO excited when I saw on your profile that you read the Black Dagger Brotherhood books too! My copies are so cracked and tatty from re-reading and I'm counting down the days until Phury!

Queen Goob said...

bee - nope, just the kittens.

alice - Mine are dog-eared and ready for me to re-read the whole series again before Phury's story comes out in June....does the woman write too slow or what?!?!

Attila The Mom said...

Hahahaha! You crack me up, Girlie!!

LceeL said...

Apparently, you come from an area of 'The South' where the family trees still fork. I say count your blessings.

Suburbia said...

Sounds like a great party, except for the chickens that is!
Found you at Tootsies.

Mrs. R said...

You know...this might be kind of off the subject, but in the past, we've had relatives who are habitually 2 hours late to anything. So we started to tell them that gatherings began 2 hours before they actually did, so they'd show up on time.

You could use a reverse strategy with FAPOS. Say the party starts at 1, you could tell FAPOS it starts at 3, thereby minimizing the time you have to spend in FAPOS' proximity, and allowing you to enjoy the time with relatives that are actually human.

Just a thought. But the courts might not like that strategy, come to think of it...

Bee said...

I just wiki'd those books and once I read erotic vampires... now I have to go buy 'em!

WA said...

See, if you were in L.A., it'd cost you about $150 to have "Animal Joe" bring all those creatures to the party. Plus, you'd have to make sure you had a permit and the ASPCA's approval. Gotta love the South.

Bonnie said...

My husbands family is still in the south. That is the best place for them to be. I am not as lucky as you to get amazing in-laws. Maybe it is because his family tree is really a bramble bush, that just keeps coming back together. In-breeding Sheesh!

Queen Goob said...

Attila – Seems we both crack ourselves up!

LceeL – I do count my blessing except for the occasional spork that sits on the limb of an unsuspecting tree branch.

Suburbia – Welcome! And thanks for taking a moment to comment. Hope to see you around.

Mrs. R – They don’t really arrive late, they just bring chickens. As for FAPOS, he stays at his parent’s house when he is in town SO I really don’t worry about the kids much. As for the courts, we’ve never been. No divorce needed and I have my child support…..his parents. I’m blessed.

Bee – Actually, I’ve read others with more eroticism, these are my favorite as some of the others go a little overboard for my taste. They’re really good books; even my brother has read them. Very dark story lines.

WA – Sounds like I saved myself a few bucks! For $150, Animal Joe better look GOOD in the leopard print thong I’d make him wear!

Bonnie – Sounds like “Turkey In The Straw” is played at your family reunions, too!

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