Wednesday, November 19, 2008

"Oid" Words Suck

Oh my goiter, I am such a goob. Yesterday morning I awoke to a bit of a pain in my back due to sleeping kinda wacky-wacky all over King Dork (we’re both cuddlers). To escape the blinding, excruciating pain in the “twist and sit up” move it takes each morning to get out of bed, I rolled around and sat up stiff backed to compensate for the back ache.

Oh my goiter, I am such a goob. In performing the breath-taking stiff-backed avoid the back pain body-lift, I wretched a muscle in my neck. An inch or two behind my ear, down the left side of my neck and not stopping until that muscle runs into the clavicle. That mother f***ing muscle called the sternocleidomastoid.

Sternocleidomastoid. Let’s take a look at this word and break it down to see exactly what type of pain I’m talking about.

STERNO = fire
CLEIDOMAST = large horse stomping en “mas” which directly controls the weight bearing down on said muscle.
OID = Do I need to explain that every word I could come up with that ended in “oid” truly, TRULY sucks. i.e. hemorrhoid, humanoid, rhomboid (I hated geometry), android (they’re really spooky, like stuffed clown spooky), factoid – wait, I like that word so scratch it from the list – you get my drift, “oid” words suck.

So here I sit in my ergonomically designed office chair with my keyboard at a 90º angle for maximum comfort and still I suffer in silence.

Okay, so maybe not total and complete silence but I’m trying.

I brought with me today copious provisions in an attempt to keep the “owies” at bay. Here we have Myoflex, Dolgit Crème, IcyHot, a store brand equivalent of extra strength Tylenol, Aleve, and a “heat it in the microwave” lavender rice bag. For all of my suggestions to blogosphere friends, I do not take a lot of prescription drugs. I have no pain killers, no muscle relaxers, no pills, shots, or snake oils of any kind. May I take this moment to let you know this morning, my second morning of dealing with the pulled-muscle-it-really-hurts-neck pain, I would have had no problems whatsoever of turning in to a prescription drug addict? I would have gladly horked back a few Vicodin and chased them with a shot of tequila followed closely by a couple of Percocet, Skelaxin, Darvocet, and for a good night’s sleep a small dose of Amobarbital.

Oh my goiter, I am such a douche bag…if it weren’t for the horrendously frightening side effects and reactions I have had to any and every prescription pain killer I ever allowed past my lips I think I would at this moment be laying prone on the floor of my office, my head resting comfortably upon the hideously ugly carpeting and drooling out of the right side of my mouth.

Let’s hope that damn lavender rice bag works.
Neck doing MUCH better thanks for your thoughts and well wishes!


Bonnie the Boss said...

I hope it works to. Pain is not a good time!! Especially when you have to be at work.

just bob said...

I've got this little spot on my back that acts up from time to time, usually 2 or 3 times a year. I also try to avoid prescription meds too. Although it sometimes takes a week to recover, I do a lot of Advil and heating pads until it starts to loosen up, when I add a stretching regiment.

I know the pain your going through. Sorry about that Goob :(

Matt-Man said...

Drool coming out of your mouth, cigarettes, and you like Irish drinking music? Holy Crap!! Where have you been all my life!? Cheers Goob!!

Memarie Lane said...

sounds exactly like what happened to me about a month ago. took about two weeks to be able to move my head again. double ibuprofen and lots of heat were the only things that helped.

Wendy said...

I know this pain! I couldn't lift my head off the bed at first. It was bad. Make no swift moves!

Dr Zibbs said...

I advise my patients to name their goiters. You can call yours Charlene until you come up with a name yourself.

Queen Goob said...

Bonnie – even worse when you work for the Deaprtment of HEALTH

Bob – Thanks, that actually means a lot.

Matt – Where have I been? Today? In hell. :-0

Marie – TWO WEEKS!!!! Oiy!

Wendy – No swift moves? Check!

Dr. Z – Her name is Tamponia but I like Charlene; maybe if my gout flairs up again I’ll use that.

Megan said...

Sheesh, another person who needs condolences? What the heck is happening to the world???

Hope your pain goes away soon, Goobness.

Jess said...

Good lord woman! Might I suggest a strong shot of (insert favorite strong shot here) and a massage from the King!

Anonymous said...

Believe me, I know that kind of pain...and it sucks ass. You've got the first thing to help it go away: humor.

Now, just take some Liquid Advil Gels and wash it down with beer or wine. Then sit back and relax. Go to bed (preferably without cuddling, just this once). You'll wake up feeling refreshed and pain-free.

P.S. No Go-Go Dancing for you tonight, Missy!!

Koolio said...

Drug pusher here recommending you ask your doctor for something called "Tramadol". Saved. My. Life. when I had my ankle injuries this past summer. It's a non-narcotic pain reliever and while I think it's more a muscle relaxant than pain medication, it was wonderful and it brought me very restful sleep.

I hope you're feeling better. I can't afford to have any back ailments so the second I feel a twinge, I dose myself on multiple OTC pain meds. I know one day my stomach will bitch at me about that but right now, it does the trick!

LceeL said...

What you REALLY need is a strong dose of Lou's Magic Hands, which, unfortunately for you, live at the end of my arms and my arms are here and you are there. That said, a good therapeutic massage would be just what the Doctor ordered. Provided, of course, you remove all blunt (or sharp) objects from within reach, so that the start of the massage is allowed to naturally progress to the end of the massage, without causing severe pain to the person rendering the massage. I'm just sayin'.

Giggle Pixie said...

RheumatOID. I rest, :-)

Sorry hon, I know that's got to hurt! I hope the rice bag works too. And a few beers after work would probably help. lol

Real Live Lesbian said...

Ouch! Hope that lavender rice does the trick.

catscratch said...

Awwww. . I hope your back pain eases up and soon!

Super sux!

Bee said...

Nothing worse than back pain! Except maybe having your leg chopped off.

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