Monday, December 22, 2008

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello!?!?!
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
I didn't write this; my SIL e-mailed this to me and had to share. I'm sure most of you have seen it but come on, it's just as funny the first time you read as it is the twenty-first time you read it.

9 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

When I'm making homemade mash pototoes, my inlaws ask that I make a batch that has low fat chicken stock instead of butter and milk. Sometimes I "forget"...if you know what I mean.

Megan said...

I had not seen this before. I laughed!

Random Chick said...

If someone brings carrot sticks to a holiday party, they are a LOOSER!

just bob said...

Very wise advice Queen.

Giggle Pixie said...

See? THIS is why I love you.

Happy holidays sweetie!

Leah said...

OMG, I was just at a holiday party tonight and there was a big old platter of carrot sticks!!!!!

This really cheered me up.

whatigotsofar said...

When I start my religion, this will be added to the holy scriptures.

INNER VOICES said...

there is no mention of beer?!?!?

Leah said...

Happy holidays!!