We Are Santa's Elves

We are Santa's elves
Building Santa's shelves
With a toy for each girl and boy
Oh, We are Santa's elves!

We work hard all day
But our work is play
Dolls we try out see if they cry out
We are Santa's elves!

We've a special job each year
We don't like to brag
Christmas Eve we always fill Santa's bag

Santa knows who's good
Do the things you should
And we bet you, he won't forget you
We are Santa's elves!

We've a special job each year
We don't like to brag
Christmas Eve we always fill Santa's bag

Santa knows who's good
Do the things you should
And we bet you, he won't forget you
We are Santa's elves!

Ho Ho Ho, Ho Ho Ho
We are Santa's elves!


Ho HO!

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello!?!?!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

I didn't write this; my SIL e-mailed this to me and had to share. I'm sure most of you have seen it but come on, it's just as funny the first time you read as it is the twenty-first time you read it.

It's All About Me

I was going to clean house today as everyone is gone and won't be returning until tomorrow afternoon but you know what? Today is for me and I feel like......

I shall walk by the laundry, glance at the dishes, ignore the clutter and pretend it doesn't exist, leave the lights off when I need to use the facilities, walk over the dog-hair encrusted rug, blow the dust away so I can set down my coffee while I lounge on the couch reading a perfectly horrid novel, and think about MAYBE getting out of my pajamas.

Tis The Season Of Giving

Dr. Zibbs tagged me after seeing how much fun I had with the Secret Santa Can Suck It gift exchange. In a heart-warming act of kindness, our Dr. Z. has started “The That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts for Sick People Stockpile.” He proposed that we make a list of gifts that MIGHT be given to some sick people and we just send that list to a place where sick people are with the hopes that “some rich dude will see the list and buy all of the presents for the sick people.” But to make this exchange a little more challenging he feels that we really shouldn’t waste our time, efforts, or money on sick people as they will most likely just cough on it anyway or something but hey….isn’t it the thought that counts?

So here’s what we were to do:

1) Pick a crappy gift for the That Blue Yak Crappy Gifts For Sick People Stockpile and post it on your site.

2) Pick 5 bloggers that you think might want to open their hearts and pick a crappy gift.

3) Link back to this post.

4) And if you really want to get into heaven, write, "I POSTED A CRAPPY GIFT" in the comments section of this post so we can see the crappy gifts you picked.

After much thought, soul searching, and two sushi rolls I decided upon the following to be added to the crappy gift stockpile exchange:

A pair of hand-made maxi-pad slippers. Not only will this fabulous gift fit snuggly to our invalid’s foot (because these are adjustable to just about any size) they provide warmth, comfort, and the ability to pick up hazardous waste material dropped on the floor by those uncaring and thoughtless nurses. I tried to find a holiday pair but was unsuccessful so first thing this morning…….okay third thing this morning (I needed coffee and a cigarette) a made this fabulous pair myself. Note the holiday garland and berries make a perfectly ordinary pair of maxi-pads a festive holiday treat.

I didn't tag anyone because knowing the few that will read this, some of you guys will take it upon yourselves to just do it for the fun of it. So go ahead, take a walk on the wild side and visit That Blue Yak for some more exciting holiday gift ideas!

p.s. I really did make the slippers.....think Spawnette will wear them?

It's Practically Christmas!

Bee over at Bee’s Musings has opened her heart and started a Christmas tradition to end all traditions. This fun-filled and magical gift exchange brings enchantment back into this dreary and dismal season. No money leaving your pocket, no last minute shopping for that gift you totally forgot you were required to bring to the office holiday party, no wracking of your brain as to what to purchase for your mother because she’s one of those people that goes out and buys everything on her Christmas list before Thanksgiving dinner has fully digested. No my friends, this is a gift exchange that will bring a tear to your eye.

If you were lucky enough to join in the fun, all you had to do was “post a picture of what you would have gotten that person if you had money and you know, cared.” The first round of secret Santas looked like they had lots of fun. I missed that round but was so excited I peed my pants a little when I saw she was hosting a second round. After popping off and e-mail, Lovely Bee sent me the name of the recipient of my Secret Santa gift.

I was frenzied and filled with excitement when I saw that I was Secret Santa to Practically Joe. Amazingly enough I “know” Joe. Joe is a funny guy that adores his wife and family and having read most of his blogs I grabbed my imagination and went on a shopping spree.

Joe is anal retentive. He hangs his clothing in OCD order. Joe uses wire hangers and in this day and age, these are unacceptable. However, even though those wire hangers DRIVE ME NUTS I understand why he uses them so instead of insisting upon the use of plastic hangers, I though of getting this for Joe:

Not only is this a great conversation piece, but it’s completely made up of white plastic hangers. Unfortunately, this piece was purchased before I could grab my checkbook and scream in agony at the price as David Mach is a highly sought after artist.

I then thought of a Garmin for those road trips he and his wife take so he doesn’t have to draw and follow his own maps anymore.

Example of what a Garmin can do:

Example of a map Joe drew:

With the Garmin, Joe can even teach Mrs. Joe how to program in the location of coffee shops around town so that all it takes for directions to the closest coffee shop is a press of a button. (You’re in like Flint with THAT one, Joe.)

But wait…..even better……Mrs. Joe likes to frequently stop for coffee while she and Joe are out and about running errands so why not have an in-car coffee maker installed in his car so that Joe doesn’t ever have to stop for coffee again! (Joe, this gift will SO get you laid.)

But alas, that’s more of a gift for Mrs. Joe so on to the next idea.

I thought about the Screaming Chicken but if he were to play with this in the car while Mrs. Joe was making a cup of coffee, it would be a disaster in the making.

I then thought about getting Practically Joe a Yip Yip because come on people, Yip Yips are practically funny!

Sold out……..oh well.

I don’t know if Joe has a cat, but if he does I thought about getting him one of these. If he doesn’t have a cat I think this would look great on one of the grandkids, don’t you?

Then I remembered…Joe is still recovering from an unfortunate accident. Our conqueror of boredom, our slayer of apathy, our illustrious hero fell off a ladder. Poor guy….broken ribs, broken spirit, the works.

So with much love and wishes for a less painful year I pre-registered Joe for an OSHA training class which covers “ladder safety". No really, click on the link I’ve provided and test away!

CLICK ON THIS LINK TO TAKE YOUR SAFETY CLASS, JOE

I’ve also reformatted the follow safety poster so that all Joe needs to do is click on the picture for a “printer friendly” copy to hang in his garage for future reference.

Last but not least, I went out on a limb and did a little research because hey, I’m cool like that. For Joe we have the ComforTech 3-D Full Body Harness. This harness attaches to a ladder and provides you with:

Three D-rings (Fall Arrest and Positioning).
5-Point Adjustability.
Quick-Connect Buckle Leg Straps.
Padded Shoulder Yoke.
Twin Butt Pads.
Waist Pad/Positioning Assembly with Lumbar Support.
Extreme Duty, Removable Work belt.
2 Lanyard Keepers.
Polyester Webbing holds up to 7,300 pounds.

Gotta get the rope, too, or what good would the harness do?

I think this will look FAB and as an added bonus, once donned it will fit snuggly across the chest and grasp your upper thighs gently lifting your groin area enhancing the size of your “sacagawea” making you look comparable in size to John Holmes.

Look Joe……NO HANDS!

So there you have it Joe, with lots of love and many a hug Queen Goob wishes you a happy and MOST healthy holiday!

Head on over to Bee's to take a looksee at other gift exchanges!

Where’d The Merry Go?

I want to know if ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? But alas, if I’m not happy, no one is happy. Must be the Irish temper thing plaguing my home; my fiery nature; may all the miscreations that misunderstand me just burn in the flaming pits of……

Sorry, what I meant to say there is Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy Hanukkah!

No, that’s not true either. At Publix yesterday I greeted the bagboy with a cheerful “Christmas!” He looked at me oddly (go figure) and I responded with a blistering “Well it ain’t merry at MY house, buster!” Funny enough, he didn’t offer to take my cart to my car and unload the grocery bags for me and King slinked off into the sunset.

King Dork’s daughter arrives this afternoon for a week-long visit. “Orlagh” is a beautiful girl with a heart of gold. I can’t wait to see her and spend time with her here in the unusually warm weather we’re having. (Sorry Gig, it was cold last week.)

My only issue is the fact my house is trashed. When I say trashed I mean really trashed. I am one of those people that must have a clean house whenever visitors are coming to stay. WHAT?!?!? My house isn’t clean? No it’s not. For the past week I’ve been trying to explain to the rest of the members of the household that this is something important to me – a clean house. They don’t understand the importance when there are Wii and role-playing games to be played. “Don’t worry, she won’t care” is a comment I have heard often these past seven days. She may not but I will. Is it just me or is your home a reflection of you? It is? Great, I’m trailer trash. AWESOME!!!

This is what my home would normally look like sans the Christmas decorations that at this time of the year should be up:

This is what is currently resembles:

See my dilemma here? No? Well you guys don’t count because I know you don’t understand but ladies? Could you help me out here while I try to explain?????

I came home last night with a “fuck it” attitude, made jambalaya for dinner (it was really, really good by the way), washed up afterwards and proceeded to clean The King and I’s bathroom. That’s it, just the bathroom. I told King that Orlagh was to use our bathroom and not the room of Spawn. He said “No, she can use the kids’ bathroom.” I informed him I was fresh outta HAZMAT suits and he said, “yes, dear.” I love it when he says that, it just brings a tear of joy to my eye.

So here I sit, an hour before Orlagh arrives with a dirty house, no Christmas decorations except for the yard things the boys put out in an attempt to escape my bad mood, and no idea where the sweet princess will sleep as the previously thought out scenario included the cleaning off of the couch in the Florida Room.

Oops…..you forgot about THAT one guys, didn’t ya?

Awwwww fuck it and CHRISTMAS to all!

Ya'll Can Kiss My Christmassy Ass

I am so not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I have yet to decorate the house, purchase a tree, or even buy the first gift. "Bah, humbug!" doesn’t really express my current enthusiasm this year. I’m more along the lines of “Fuck you, you little bastard, I can't believe you finished decorating and shopping before the 24th.....fucker!”

Yea, that kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

Last year we had a pretty paathetic tree but once decorated it didn’t look too bad. This year I’d settle for anything…..even this:

Here’s how I’m feeling about the holidays right about now:

Doesn't this guy look pleased?

How about him, are ya feelin’ the love from THIS guy?

Doesn’t this make you wanna don a Santa hat and sing carols to your neighbors?

How about these three; which one do you think is gonna pee in the eggnog….huh?

I bet this guy left one hell of a Christmas gift for you, buddy!

Hope you guys are have a fabulous season despite the “love” I’m sending your way. Or better yet, any fun stories you’d like to bitch about yourself? Bring them on let's celebrate together....I'll bring the eggnog!

WEEEEEEEEE Are The Champions!

FINALLY!!! The boys came away Friday night with a Championship win. The final score was 17 – 7 and both the pre-game and post-game celebrations were AWESOME!

(Z is middle right)

(Isn't he handsome? Cougars need not apply.)

We arrived at the stadium a couple of hours early to tailgate before the game. There was great food and much laughter in preparation of a challenging game. Here we have my brother and my daughter hamming it up for the camera. Actually, in the second shot I was just trying to get a photo of the sun setting on the stadium BUT Spawnette had to get into the act.

(His ears aren't REALLY that big, he just pulled his hat low for a "special Kodak moment....man, he'll be pissed when he sees I posted this picture. LOVE YOU FINNIE!!!!)


(Scary shot of her mouth.)

After the boys pulled of a much deserved victory I hoofed it down to the field. Looking around I also noticed that no other parents (other than Satan himself who happened to jump the wall) were down on the field. I am such a hoodlum, I know.

(Come on guys, it was a long day; you were expecting me to look sexy???)

Spent Saturday with my sister and family. Here I am with my niece "Legs"…..she just turned fifteen....she’s kinda tall.


(Hellooooo??? Can you see me???)

Hope you all had a MOST fabulous weekend as well!

Sometimes It's Good To Be Queen

I know…..I’m a bad girl for being gone so long but it has been a crazy couple of weeks. As you all know, King Dork has finally and “officially” moved from Ohio down to the armpit of Florida. He’s not as close to his kids as he would like BUT there is year-round golf so he’s adjusting. Speaking of his kids, his youngest son leaves Saturday for a year-long tour in Iraq so keep him and all of the soldiers over there in your prayers.

So we brought The King’s stuff back to the homestead the weekend of Thanksgiving. As we didn’t get in until very late that night due to holiday traffic, we waited until Monday morning to unload the U-Haul trailer and the SUV. The two combined held a lot.

I’m talking so much that the garage is overflowing onto the back porch and there are additional boxes in the Florida room and dining room.

STILL.

packing it up to bring to Florida

stuff that didn't make it to Florida but instead got "stored" at the farm


I’m freaking out because I don’t know where to put all of this stuff, my Christmas decorations did not make it up, I have no tree, and this is my favorite season on the year as far a decorating. UGH!!! Big cry jig Sunday and onto the “fuck it” stage. This is the stage in the game where I pretty much don’t give one or two shits whether or not I put up a tree, hang a stocking or two, or string my flying light-up flamingos from the pines in the front yard.

yes this is really my house.....

This is a quiet stage, a stage of acceptance, a stage that reminds me there will be no week-long packing up of decorations after the holiday season is over. A stage of many a beer and contemplation of many more beers.

And now onto THIS weekend. As most of you know, my son plays high school football. He plays on a 1A team that has made it through the playoffs and is headed to the Citrus Bowl for the State Championship game tomorrow night. This is the teams’ third year in a row making it to State Champs; we’re hoping for a win this year. My son is a junior but has started in all three State Championship games and is finally hopeful they will go all the way.

This is MY “Z”

coming in for the kill

The fun part will be staying at my sister’s for the weekend. I see in my future quite a few toddies consumed as I sit on the floor admiring HER Christmas tree.

Admiring her tree…..sounds like I need a beer this evening to prepare for the beer tomorrow that I will be drinking as I sit under a tree that is shedding needles on someone else’s floor, that someone else is forgetting to water, and that someone else knows before this holiday is over the dog is going to run through the house and slam into the tree knocking it down and leaving shards of broken glass all over the floor that the kids will step right through or over because they don’t have it in them to grab the broom and sweep it up themselves.

Ya know.....sometimes it’s good to be Queen.

Holiday Traffic Is The BOMB!

Well we made the trip to and from Columbus; what should have been a thirteen hour drive (with potty breaks) turned into seventeen hours each way. SEVENTEEN HOURS!!! Why did it take so long? Well, because I love you guys and think of you often I took my camera along just so I could share with you a photo or two of holiday traffic.

In February of this year Atlanta was deemed having the worst traffic in the country; here is why:

This is our trip up to Columbus. Between Macon and Atlanta this is what the traffic looked like. This is a 95 mile distance that took between three and four hours. It usually only takes me just over an hour. Not this past weekend:

This is one of the reasons for the hold ups:

This is our trip back:

We finally got off just south of Atlanta (you can see the split highways here) and took the back roads home. It may have taken a bit longer but at least we were moving!

Any road trip horror stories you’d like to share?

UPDATE.....

This is what I am used to driving on:

Thanksgiving Day Cooking Tips While We're Away

My brother is always looking for new ways to cook a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Living in the south it is now “understood” that the holiday bird will be deep fried, not baked like woosie people do. Through trial and error he has discovered the need to fully thaw and remove any and all moisture from the turkey before submerging the carcass into a vat of hot, boiling oil.

He has also discovered that it’s best not to fry a turkey in the carport as the flames can flash in a nanosecond reaching heights of ten feet or more.

Lastly, it has been determined that when frying a turkey, proper footwear is a must.

Hiking Shoes = NO
Steel-toed boots = YES

This year I found a recipe for the Finster to tryout; jars of jalapeno peppers will fill the cavity of the bird instead of plain, old stuffing. Once stuffed the well-thawed and well-dried off turkey will be submerged into the hot vat of boiling oil and cooked to perfection. Unfortunately I will not be here to enjoy this tradition in the making as King and I will be enroute to Ohio to bring back his worldly possessions.

Happy Turkey Day To One And All!

We'll be back next week - stay safe and eat too much.....errr, don't, yea DON'T eat too much.