Monday, June 9, 2008

A Right of Passage

I've been suffering tennis elbow (surfin' the web doesn't help by the way) and this is something I found - verbatim – “Tennis elbow is so common and the age occurrence so striking, that it seems both accurate and reassuring to consider this illness a ‘rite of passage’ through middle age.”

A right of passage? A RIGHT OF PASSAGE?????? What the hell does that mean? I want my right of passage to be perky boobs and slim thighs. I want my right of passage to be retirement at the age of 45 with the rest of my golden years spent around the pool with Cocoa serving me frozen margaritas. I want my right of passage to be fun, exciting, and full of pleasure. There should be a party with alcohol flowing and lots of fattening food. There should be bells….whistles….male strippers. I want crepe paper and balloons. A reason to go shopping for a new dress; a dress just like the one worn by Audrey Hepburn portraying Eliza Doolittle attending the Embassy Ball. And I want to look that good wearing, too. I want Mark Wahlberg on one arm and Daniel Craig on the other. I want gifts and money bestowed on me by well-wishers and loved ones. And I want Ty Pennington to show up at my door with his team of builders with the sole purpose of leveling my home, sending me on a week long vacation to the Caribbean, and having a brand new home right there on my lot with updated appliances and furniture waiting for me when I return.

I do not want this never-ending nagging pain. Gooooooolly, Andy, maybe next we can whack my knees and take out my shoulders leaving nothing behind but arthritis and bursitis. Yeah – that sounds like a good time!

9 comments:

LceeL said...

I wish I could do something to make you feel better. I can't do anything about your fantasies (although, if we lived near each other, I would be willing to come over and let you sit on my face) and I can't help with your shoulders and knees. I could massage you anywhere it hurts (I do that for Annie every night), but that still won't make the underlying issues go away.

Tennis elbow: Extend the offending arm straight out in front of you. With your other hand, place your thumb under your wrist (hurt arm) and your fingers across the top (just think of Kermit trying to eat you hand). Push your hand down (keeping your arm straight - think of a gay guy saying "Dearie!") and hold for like 10 seconds. repeat 5 times and do this two or three times a day.

Lateral Epicondylitis. Tennis elbow. The bane of writers, Tennis players and masturbaters everywhere.

Mrs. R said...

I nominate you for Supreme Ruler of the World. Your right of passage manifesto sounds perfect to me!

Jezebel said...

If this is a rite of passage, I think I experienced this when I was 10 years old. I'm not about to turn 40 - I'm now waiting for something really cool to fall off my body!

Quickroute said...

Just stop playing tennis and you'll be fine ;-)

Bonnie said...

I agree. The thing about tennis elbow is it comes and goes. If you do what the doctor tells you it shouldn't be too bad. I have problems with it occasionally.

Random Chick said...

Drugs. Isn't that a right of passage???

VE said...

Probably a bad time to mention I'm heading to Belize on Saturday, huh?

Queen Goob said...

Lceel - I'll keep trying the exercises but I really do hate exercising....LOL At least I can sit down for these.

Mrs. R - RIGHT?!?! I like my right of passage better, too!

Quickie - What's sad is I really don't like to play tennis; not enough blood/contact. Maybe I should hang my head is shame because I'm old or stand tall and proud because I'm an Über-Geek.

Bonnie - I should have gone to a what? A doctor? LOL

RC - Why yes it is!

VE - I'm sorry, what did you say? I was ignoring you. (Have a MOST fabulous time!)

the mama bird diaries said...

hilarious.

i'll send some streamers and male strippers your way.