Dammit Big Daddy

My neighbor is out of town for a couple of weeks. I get up at 5:30 every morning to go over and let her dogs out, feed them, let them get a bit of exercise and then go home for a either a shower or a cup of coffee and a little relaxation, depending on whether it’s a weekday or the weekend. Saturday morning after finishing off a pot of coffee and a book, I thought I’d head back over to my neighbor’s house to let the dogs run a bit more. As Spawn was up and waiting for his Big Daddy to come and pick him up, he graciously joined me on my excursion through the azalea bushes that line the property between myself and my neighbor. We let the dogs out and after quite a bit of prodding, were finally able to un-Velcro the Doberman from the left side of my son’s pants. (The neighbor’s Doberman thinks the sun rises and sets on Spawn.)

As the dogs frolicked around the live oak trees and barked at the chattering squirrels, I heard Big Daddy honk the horn of his truck. Spawn and I walked together through the neighbor’s house so that I could hug him goodbye and watch him leave to spend a day with is grandfather. As Big Daddy is pulled away from my house I noticed that he had pulled off of the street and into my yard a bit. Well, more than a bit, actually. In fact, he had pulled so far into my yard that as he slowly started to drive away I could see from the Florida room of the house next door that his truck had hit some sort of hole in the yard. A hole? I don’t have a hole in my yard. Then it hit me; mother ƒü¢k!!! The man had done it again! This is the third time he’d done it; two times in less than a year. Big Daddy had proceeded to drive over my water main and burst a pipe.

I quickly locked up the neighbor’s dogs, dashed from her house, exploded through the azaleas, and threw myself on the ground by the water meter. I grabbed the metal lid, tossed it to the side, and sunk my arm into the dark sludge that had gurgled to the surface around the shut-off valve. I quickly turned the water off destroying the mini-geyser that had sprung forth from a water pipe that had been severed in half. Sitting back on my haunches I wonder how long I am going to be without water as this is a small Southern town on a Saturday morning. Will I even be able to get in touch with the city utilities office to report an emergency? Thank you sweet baby Jesus I had already brewed another pot of coffee or people would have started disappearing off the face of the earth never to be heard from again.

I was lucky enough to get in touch with a live human being and would you believe that a representative of Tallahassee Utilities was at my house no more than twenty minutes later? He got out of his truck, looked into this,

and proceeded to tell me I needed to call a plumber because the pipe that was severed was 2.1678 mm past the shut off valve so it was my responsibility to pay to have it fixed, not the city. Who the hell issued THAT f’ing measuring tape?!?! Before he was even able to straighten up, get into his work truck and drive out of my life forever, a representative of Lance Maxwell Plumbing pull into my driveway. As the plumber got out of his work truck I hollered over to him, “Jim call you?”

“Yup,” he replied. “Told me to come on over without calling because he ran over your water main……..again.” He states with a laugh.

This is Will.

He was the plumber that showed up at my house courtesy of Big Daddy, the General Contractor. I know Will. I went to college with Will’s brother, Roger. Roger and I are friends. Can you tell Roger owns three tattoo shops around town? (I have a big thing for guys with ink.) Will is the BOMB!

Will had the severed pipe finished in next to no time BUT when he was through replacing that pipe, he points down into the depths of sludge and says. “See that drip? That’s from the base of the shut-off valve. You’ll need to call the city back and have them send another guy out here to fix that before you turn your water back on.”

“That’s awesome, Will, thanks.”

He giggled.

I went back into the house, called the city utilities office, and again requested an emergency service repair to my water shut-off valve.”

To make a long story short (or maybe not as I’ve already taken way too much time to tell you a crappy story) I had one plumber, two city water guys, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree spend the day with me Saturday.

At least I had my coffee.