Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Public Humiliation

Is it just me or do other parents wake up in the morning with thoughts of how they will embarrass their children in public on any given day? Does anyone else find the need to plot revenge for impertinence or come up with strategically planned and properly executed practical jokes knowing your kids will roll their eyes and pretend ignorance of your existence?

When the spawn were young and impressionable, grocery shopping and trips to the mall were fun. It was a smorgasbord of slap-stick comedy and props and took nothing more than juggling tangerines at Publix to get a belly-rumbling laugh from either one of the two. Now that the spawn are fifteen and sixteen “respectively” (insert your own chuckle here), the acts of sabotage are more difficult to achieve.

I’ll give you an example. A few months ago Spawnette informs me there are still a number of items she needs before going on her ninth-grade class trip. The next day. It’s Easter Sunday. In a small Southern town. Where the hell did she think we were going to go? But ah-HA, there WAS a store open. One bound to be extremely crowded on this Easter Sunday afternoon. And what store would that be? None other than the dreaded life-sucking parasitic desperado…..Wal-Mart.

I despise Wal-Mart. It leeches tolerance, kindness, and patients out of all humanity. It turns sweet, blue-haired ladies into the vampiric creatures of small children’s nightmares. Its horror descends upon the unsuspecting leaving nothing but bloody stumps and appendages behind. It’s every human being’s nightmare come to life in 3-D Technicolor. It is hell.

I do not want to go shopping; I hate shopping. And I really do not want to go shopping in the only store open this lovely Easter Sunday. Spawnette is a browser. She has difficulty deciding upon which pair of white socks she will wear every day of the week. All her socks are the same. We. Will. Be. There. For. Hours. Hours of shopping are unacceptable so I must put my thinking cap on to devise a way to get in and out of hell as quickly as possible. What gets Spawnette moving faster than a speeding bullet? Humiliation and embarrassment. Wow, the ideas were endless. Should I change into my flamingo and trailer pajamas, grab my green frog slippers, and roll some pink curlers into my hair? Pajamas – check. Slippers – check. Rollers – SHIT – I don’t have any rollers. I looked for a breast plate and helmet so that I could do my impersonation of King Leonidas but failed to locate the necessary costume for an authentic reenactment of the Battle of Thermopylae. Crap. I had to call in forces and submit to the deviously scheming thoughts of Spawn. He liked the King Leonidas idea and went off to construct a leather skirt and wrist bands. “Good luck with that, Honey, let me know when you’re done.”

And then it hit me; I had just organized my arts and crafts and sewing materials. I had brown fake fur and some tartanesque material. I had plastic swords and daggers and a nice leather belt. I had the makings of William Wallace and I was raring to go. I slipped on my work boots, wrapped the pieces of fur around my shins and tied them on with yarn. I threw the plaid material over my shoulder and fastened in to my waist with a belt. Dagger in boot and sword in belt I left my room and headed for the front door hollering over my shoulder to Spawnette that Spawn and I would be waiting in the car. (He never did come up with leather for the skirt and wrist bands so he settled for a little kid’s plastic police helmet and a big foam sword.) Would you believe she was so busy primpin’ and make-upin’ that she never did notice our attire? Until, that is, we got out of the car in the parking lot of hell. She whipped her long hair over her shoulder and with piercing eyes and lips pulled back in a snarl she told me I wasn’t to walk closer than ten feet behind her and I was not to say one word to her because “I will not respond to ONE word YOU have to SAY!!!!”

Walking into the building I ran into a supervisor from work; he told me I looked good.

We were in and out in under 25 minutes.

Learn. From. The. Master.

Wanna see what I looked like?




Cooper thought that I looked HOT, even with my highlander scowl.

17 comments:

Mrs. Schmitty said...

SNORT!!

And to answer that first question, who me? Embarass my children, ON PURPOSE?! (insert evil laugh)

Memarie Lane said...

LOL awesome! I better stock up on rollers now while my oldest is only 5.

Bee said...

Ha ha! Can you believe I have no children but manage to embarrass kids anyway? ;o)

Random Chick said...

Oh. My. God.

That is so funny I think I peed my pants.

And, you are HAWT!!!

just bob said...

Queen Goob, you said the magic word... PUBLIX. OMG, I so miss Publix, where shopping is a pleasure. Now you've got me reminiscing about growing up in FLA... damn you!!!

Alice said...

Hahahhahaaa.....

Love it! Although I'm too chicken to pull it off. Wait, what am I talking about? I already go to Wal-Mart looking like trailer trash in flip-flops and the shirt I use to paint the house.

That girl from Shallotte said...

Brilliant.

My 16-year-old, cooler-than-thou stepson will be visiting us from England in a couple of months. I was considering wearing all my Duran Duran regalia from the 80s, but it doesn't fit and I like your approach much better.

Kisses to Alice for the intro! Fabulous screen name, BTW.

Suzanne said...

Oh my God I laughed too hard. I'm still laughing. Rob read it. He's laughing. Man are you a looker. Hope that's fake fur baby (I'm a vegetarian).

I remember the few times my mom had to come to school and I'd pretend she wasn't mine. I remember walking so far ahead of her it looked like my ass was on fire. No, I'm not proud of that. I've apologized so many times it's become a mantra. Fortunately, she forgave me ages ago, but I can't seem to forgive myself.

Thanks for this. I won't forget it. And thanks for your friendship.

XO Suze

Bonnie the Boss said...

SNORT is right, Mrs. Schmitty.
I can't believe you did that it was brilliant!!!! Pure brilliant. Wallmart is hell!
You do look hot! WTG for pulling that together at the last minute.

Quickroute said...

My parents thrived on embarrassing me - they still do when I visit - they have a special knack of knowing just the wrong thing to say at that perfect moment!

LceeL said...

God you look gorgeous. I'd go shopping with you in a heartbeat - and I hate shopping.

I don't try to embarrass the kids, anymore. As a matter of fact, it's all I can do NOT to embarrass them (*burp*). Excuse me.

Mrs. R said...

You are like the MacGyver of moms. That was very resourceful of you.

I snorted too. Hysterical. I used to be scared of having teenagers, but not anymore. I can't wait to use this strategy!

Queen Goob said...

Mrs. Schmitty – it really does warm the heart, doesn’t it?

Memarie – Don’t forget the pajamas with trailers and flamingos – they LOVE it when you were those in public.

Bee – It an art form, don’t you think? I love making them fun from me in shame and fear.

RC – LMAO – ummm, that picture didn’t blow up, did it? Did you change your panties yet?

Bob – Where in Florida did you grow up? I lived in SoFla and am now on the Florida Georgia border…..it’s kinda scary here sometimes.

Alice – You live around here, don’t you because I’ve seen you at Wal-Mart lookin’ your finest! You are HOT!

Shallotte Girl – Ya know I think the Duran Duran wear COULD do the trick; especially if it’s too tight. Make sure your bra is a brilliant turquoise or something so that everyone can see it through your clothes. Kisses to Alice from me, too!

Suzanne – I am so glad that you and Rob got a giggle or two out of the story. I still get crap from the supervisor I ran into. He’s just mad I thought of it first! And of COURSE the fur was fake. XOXO back attcha – I love you, too!

Bonnie – that is high praise from the crafty-one! I want to hear all about how you dress up to embarrass yours real soon!

Quickie – You don’t have kids, do you? We thrive on the ability to do and say all of the wrong things at the right time. LOL

Lceel – I hate shopping, too. Reference my Christmas shopping post where I had to call my mom to come and pick up my drunk ass from the mall. And thank you for the compliment, it’s much needed.

Mrs. R. – I will never be able to tell you how much fun it is to embarrass my teenagers. It’s a bit more difficult with the boy as he thinks EVERYthing is a joke….but the girl? Easy pickin’s, easy pickin’s!

just bob said...

QB: I grew up in Palm Beach County :)

Megan said...

I am still laughing. Perfect. Plan. Way to take revenge!!!

Ivanna Takurpicture said...

I don't need to embarrass my children, they do a fine job doing it to me! My daughter can fart on command so my son will encourage her to do it while we're, let's say, in a store, and then they'll run away from me screaming "EW!! Mom, you need to go wipe!". Nice, huh?! That's okay, revenge is sweet. *wink*

(by the way, it's me Jezebel!!)

Mary Witzl said...

My husband and I do things like this all the time. We figure they're going to be embarrassed by us anyway, no matter what we do, say, wear, etc. Might as well get some fun out of it.