Wednesday, July 30, 2008

What's A Little Poo In The Big Scheme Of Things?

This is not a recent story but every time I think of it I laugh out loud. It is also the prologue of another story that happened earlier this week.

Picha dis (did anyone see My Cousin Vinny?)

One day not too terribly long ago my best friend Magillicutty was mindlessly folding laundry in her family room while watching reruns of Trauma: Life in the E.R. Her son, Seraphim, walks into the family room and announces, “Mom? I got poop on my hands.”

Magill turns to him, sees poop all over his hands with a smear here and there on his clothing and says, “Honey, mommy has told you that if you have a messy poo to call her so that she can come help you wipe your bottom.”

They walk through the kitchen, down the hall, and into the bathroom. Magill is greeted with poop on the toilet seat, poop on the hand towel, poop streaks in the sink, on the faucet handles, and along the wall by the toilet paper holder.

With horror straining her vocal cords knowing that she will be cleaning this horrific mess, she squeaks out “What happened? Why didn’t you call mommy to help?????”

He shrugs and give her that I don’t know look.

After disinfecting her son, she grabs her HAZMAT suit and gets to work on cleaning up the rectal explosion that has coated most every surface of the bathroom.

The subject was forgotten.

The next afternoon Magill and Seraphim are riding down the road in the proverbial soccer van when out of the blue, Boy-child states, “Ya know mom…..sometimes poop’s messy.”

“I know Honey, that’s why you call mommy next time you have a messy poo so that she can come and help you clean up. So tell me, what happened in there, Buddy?”

“Well ya see, mom, it’s like this; I was sitting on the toilet takin’ a poop and I could tell it was gonna be a reeeeeealy BIG poop so when I was done I jump down and I turned around so’s I could look in the toilet and see how big the poop was and then I saw it and it was really, really, really big and I looked at it and went WWOOOOOOOWW really loud………and my gum fell in the toilet.”

Gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turn white, she exclaimed (quit loudly) “Do NOT put ANYTHING from the TOILET into your MOUTH!”

I got yelled at.

I gave him the gum.

Like I knew he was gonna try and dig his gum out of a colossal poo he took in the potty.


Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying...what is that ol' wives tale, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger?" Does that include poo??

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

I'm laughing and ewwwwwwing at the same time!! :P

Alice said...

LOL - Oh my. I feel a bit ill.

First because there was poo everywhere.

And then the gum. *shudder*

This is funny only when it happens to someone else's kid.


oh thats wicked! my brother used to wake up from naps and take his diaper off and paint with its contents... everything in his room would be covered in far as he could reach, including himself... i hated my stepmother at the time so incouragement from me never happened!


great post...

Quickroute said...

I'm laughing but squirming at the same time!

Bee said...

OMG!! That is hilarious! And I would have thrown up.

Also, my code word from now on for anything will be...

Ta Ta TA!


hmduey said...

Ah, yes, poop stories. I have two boys and I can tell a few of them - like the extra toy in the bathtub, the discovery of brown (instead of green!) poop, and my favourite, which you can find here.

Mrs. R said...


This post is a hall of famer. I can't stop laughing.

Bonnie the Boss said...

Too funny! Poop and boys go together like....... Pee and boys! I will never understand it! I have 4 boys and a hubby and I still don't understand!

Practically Joe said...

You really, really got to love'em!
Oh the joys of being a parent.

Jezebel said...

Seriously? I just laughed so hard I almost crapped myself. But instead I farted and scared the dog.

catscratch said...

Ech. Lil T poo'd in the bathtub a few months ago..


just bob said...

Losing your gum in the toilet is really shitty luck.

Megan said...

Okay I have been trying all day not to believe this story.

Because we are creating an Urban Legend.

Queen Goob said...

RC – No that does not include poo. At least I don’t think but I’m no trying it.

Sandy – You can’t but help doing both at the same time.

Alice – Thank goodness it wasn’t my kid!

IV – I hope you brothers have come to peace with your stepmom and stopped painting the walls with poo. (and thanks)

Quickie – Check your pants.

Bee – I told Magillicutty about your new code word – she cried.

Ester Doodie – Cause you know that’s who you are – Your poo stories are JUST as good!

Mrs. R. – More like a Hall of Shamer

Bonnie – Poop and boys go hand in hand, just ask IV

Joe – Thank goodness I’m spaded

Jez - … the dog okay?

Catscratch – Who got it outta the tub?

Bob – And a crappy job getting it outta there

Megan – This story was totally and completely true AND I have another gum story coming to a theatre near you.

Mrs. Schmitty said...


the boogeyman's wife said...

that is nasty.

so did he get the gum back?

Queen Goob said...

Mrs. S. - yeah...BLECK!!!

BW - Thanks for stoppin' by and no, the gum fell too far down into the (whatever the hell the deep part of the toilet is...) I read your interests, you should have been around in April, there were a number of posts about men in kilts. Yummy!

Memarie Lane said...

I don't understand it at all. When my son poops it takes half a roll of toilet paper, ten wet wipes and a shower to clean him up. When my daughter poops it only takes one wad of toilet paper. WTF???

Mr Farty said...

Excuse me? I had a mouthful of tea when I read that punchline. Kids, eh?

sista #2 said...

Shit happens.

OMG I spit out my water with this one!


Magpie said...

Ew. Ew. Yuckety-yuck.

Attila The Mom said...

Bwahahahahahahaha! and yech!

Evil Genius said...

Okay, that kid is totally banned from our pool.