What's A Little Poo In The Big Scheme Of Things?

This is not a recent story but every time I think of it I laugh out loud. It is also the prologue of another story that happened earlier this week.

Picha dis (did anyone see My Cousin Vinny?)

One day not too terribly long ago my best friend Magillicutty was mindlessly folding laundry in her family room while watching reruns of Trauma: Life in the E.R. Her son, Seraphim, walks into the family room and announces, “Mom? I got poop on my hands.”

Magill turns to him, sees poop all over his hands with a smear here and there on his clothing and says, “Honey, mommy has told you that if you have a messy poo to call her so that she can come help you wipe your bottom.”

They walk through the kitchen, down the hall, and into the bathroom. Magill is greeted with poop on the toilet seat, poop on the hand towel, poop streaks in the sink, on the faucet handles, and along the wall by the toilet paper holder.

With horror straining her vocal cords knowing that she will be cleaning this horrific mess, she squeaks out “What happened? Why didn’t you call mommy to help?????”

He shrugs and give her that I don’t know look.

After disinfecting her son, she grabs her HAZMAT suit and gets to work on cleaning up the rectal explosion that has coated most every surface of the bathroom.

The subject was forgotten.

The next afternoon Magill and Seraphim are riding down the road in the proverbial soccer van when out of the blue, Boy-child states, “Ya know mom…..sometimes poop’s messy.”

“I know Honey, that’s why you call mommy next time you have a messy poo so that she can come and help you clean up. So tell me, what happened in there, Buddy?”

“Well ya see, mom, it’s like this; I was sitting on the toilet takin’ a poop and I could tell it was gonna be a reeeeeealy BIG poop so when I was done I jump down and I turned around so’s I could look in the toilet and see how big the poop was and then I saw it and it was really, really, really big and I looked at it and went WWOOOOOOOWW really loud………and my gum fell in the toilet.”

Gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles turn white, she exclaimed (quit loudly) “Do NOT put ANYTHING from the TOILET into your MOUTH!”

I got yelled at.

I gave him the gum.

Like I knew he was gonna try and dig his gum out of a colossal poo he took in the potty.